2nd November 2013

I hurt myself on the outside so that the hurt on the inside will fade for a while.

23rd October 2013

Yesterday, I was asked whether I had taken my meds. I was asked this in a joking way, by a person that I had practically just met, who expected no more of a reply than a smile or a laugh. I haven't taken my medication for a little while now, and it is really obvious how that's affected me. This is the worst I have been feeling with this round of depression than I have done before. Yesterday was a year on from the day that I said goodbye to my beautiful boy Webster, that affected me greatly. I did not deal well with the death of my dog, my best friend and the one that I love at all. I can't help but feel that if he was still with me today, that I would not be in this situation that I am in now. He would always know when I was upset, and he would come and comfort me. I need comforting now, I need comforting from him, but I can no longer get that. Webster slept in my bed room for a few nights before he was sent to the vets. I was so excited for him to come back home, as I had plans to sleep with him every night for the rest of our lives. He was truly what held me together. Everything has gone downhill since he hasn't been around. I miss him, I love him, and I will always love him.

9th September 2013

Everyone has a different idea of being depressed, and here is mine; it feels as if I'm in a wide ocean, never being able to reach the shore. Deep waves of despair push over me and pull me under, but never quite enough to pull me deep enough down to drown and get this depression and life over with. Any time I manage to resurface, another wave comes across and drowns me into the water that I greatly struggle to survive from, but again never enough for me to have my life at an end.

I do not feel as if I am at a big risk of suicide, however the risk is there.

28th August 2013

I think today would be a good idea to start my daily blog posts again. It has been an extremely difficult day for me today, as for the first time I have opened up to three separate people about my depression.

I had a doctors appointment today, it was to pick up the pill. Things have been really tough for me lately, and my happiness is at an all time low. I took the very daunting decision to seek help from the nurse, however she referred me to a doctor that I saw around two hours later than my first appointment. I got really nervous when trying to tell her about my depression, so much that I cried in front of her. On my walk home I phoned Alex, but he didn't pick up. I phoned him again a little while later as I know I won't be able to survive without his support. He picked up and agreed to meet up with me after my appointment, even though less than a week previously he had told me that he wanted a little space from me for a while. I broke down as soon as the call was dropped, I knew I would have to tell Alex today and I knew that something was seriously wrong with me. My second doctors appointment had results, and it showed that I did have anxiety and depression issues. I managed to hold things together enough to have a proper conversation with the doctor and tell her what's going on. She prescribed me anti-depressants, and has contacted a councillor for me. I will be visiting the doctors again in two weeks time, so that the doctor can see how I am feeling. The doctor asked me to think about what lead to my depression, but I seriously have no clue. I went to see Alex straight after my second appointment. Things were so hard for me, especially after his seeming of lack of care towards me and interest in how I was feeling. I sat with him in his telly room for over an hour in silence; he was watching telly and I was sat thinking. I knew I had to tell him today, and I managed to go through with it. He asked me if I had anything to say to him, and of course I did, before this however, I broke down in tears. After a little while he asked if I would like a hug, which I slowly accepted. I told him that I was diagnosed with depression today and he repeated 'depression' in a shocked and worried way. We hugged tightly and talked a little about what the doctors did for me, how long have I been aware, and what's making me sad. I don't care if he's not the greatest at making me smile or happy when I'm depressed, he showed me that he cares and that is the most that I can receive. I'm glad that Alex now knows about my mental health issue, as it proves how I feel I can talk to him about anything. I have had a phone call with Rob tonight, I did not tell him anything and I do not see this relationship with him going any further. It would not be fair to put my pressure onto him if I do not think he can help me with this. I don't want to put pressure onto Alex either, but it's really nice to know that someone has a basic idea of what you're going through. I don't care what anyone says, Alex is a good friend to me and we love each other dearly!

I have self harmed today, it was before my first doctors appointment. I did it because if I did it once more I would know that there was definitely something wrong with me, and It made me feel as if my time with the doctor was well needed.

16th August 2013

I just need someone to understand, understand all of the pressure that is currently put on me. I don't believe that is possible, but I need someone, I need help. My laughter is no longer true, my smiles are no longer strong. I'm pretending to be happy, and there's noway out. My situation is far too much for me, I cannot handle it now. I feel stuck in limbo, not getting better, and not getting worse. Suicide plays on my mind every day, but I cannot go through with it, I've promised too many people that I wouldn't try again, but it feels like the only option out of here.

31st July 2013

I'm not putting any ideas forward about my death happening any time soon, but I would just like to state what I would like clearly. I would like to be buried where my uncle and cousin were buried; in Wooburn Green. I did not know either of them, and I do not feel like they were known well while they were alive, as my cousin died a few months after birth, and my uncle decided to end his life as a teen as he didn't want to spend the rest of his life taking pills which meant he would stay alive. I want to be buried there because I feel I also am not know, I don't know myself, and other people sure don't either. The songs to be played at my funeral are 'Kid Cudi - The Prayer', 'Lebo M - He Lives In You' and 'Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me'. I stand strong with these songs, and this has been decided a long time ago. I don't wish for everybody to stand in front of everyone at my funeral and talk about me (although they are welcome to if they have the strength to), but I would be more than welcoming if they would like to write me a letter and bury it with me. I don't know if my death will be intentional or not, but I would like my close friends and family to know that I love them dearly, and that I forgive them for any hurt that they may have given me. Any animals that I may have must be kept with my mother, as she is a good mother to me and I know that she will take very good care for them. I just hope you're happy that I lived.

4thJuly2013

I really have no idea what to do with myself any more, the only thing that comes to mind is to drink myself to death. Everything is really pushing me to the edge at the moment, and I'm not able to cope with it. Everything is working against me, and there's nowhere to turn for help. All the help I've asked for, refuses me. I am all alone, and there is nothing I can do. This place isn't doing anything to help me any more, but I can't get away from it.

15thMay2013

The moment when you realise you've started thinking about suicide on a regular basis again is not a nice one. I don't know whether it's because I'm genuinely down at the moment, or whether it's because I've been unwell with a cold and have been very knackered as of late. I think it is a good thing that I'm aware of my regular thoughts now, and that I am coming on here to express my thoughts and feelings, but of course it would be even better if those thoughts and feelings weren't there. I should currently be really happy as it's my birthday tomorrow, but all happy thoughts have now left my body for the day. I'm in hope that I will be joyful tomorrow, and I'm sure I will be.

3rdMarch2013

I have got so behind with my blog posts that I feel like giving up hope with it. I really do enjoy doing my daily blog, but I hate the emptiness of some weeks. I think the lack of dedication is due to having Internet on my phone now and not using my laptop as much. Just like everything else in my life, it has all builded up so much that I'm going to have to forget about some of the days. I really do hate this, but I feel like I really should keep up doing my blog posts despite the massive gaps. I am proud that I managed to keep it up to a reasonable standard for a year, and thats more than I can say about most things.
Today I have been at work from 2 - 6, it hasn't been too bad at all. It's all been very rushed as we currently have a sale on, but surprisingly we managed. I really do enjoy taking a leading role, that I have previously avoided as I've been afraid that people will ignore me and my efforts will go to waste. Management is a new discovery in my interests, but sadly I can't imagine it will go much further than me feeling like I can try to organise people in a work place because I'm rather useless and actually don't get listened to all that much.

18thFebruary2013

I was feeling lonely again this morning. I have such an addictive feeling towards my ex. I just want to spend time with him again. It brought me ultimate happiness when I knew I would be seeing him. There is no one that I would prefer to spend time with (other than my dog Webster who sadly passed away in October).

I cannot see myself ever truly getting over my ex, the happiest moments of my life were spent with him. I want to relive those moments and never let it end.

17thFebruary2013

I'm feeling rather sad now, as tonight I have spent time with my ex and he has now left. Every time he leaves I feel a wave of despair wash over me, lasting for a few days to a couple of weeks. I do really enjoy spending time with him, but I seem to have a 'come down' after seeing him. The first thing I want to do after seeing him, is see him again. I don't know how to stop this feeling, and I can remember being like this ever since there was a hint of something wrong with out relationship. Perhaps it's because I don't know when the next time I see him will be, or because there's a slight thought in my head that I will either not see him for a long time, or never again. That's a ridiculous thing to think, but I don't know what causes these thoughts and emotions. I remember it being so bad at one point that I ended up crying every time he left, it was a serious problem. I use to suffer from depression, seeing him use to cheer me up majorly, and him leaving displeased me greatly. I think my depression may also be linked to the sadness that comes when he leaves, as I feel so safe while I'm with him. Late night thoughts have me feeling that I may still be so attached to him because he helped me through my depression, and the thought of not being the same with him may bring the depression back. This is a serious breakthrough in reasons for me being so deadly attached  and I must talk to him about it the next time I see him.

We were planning to play Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2, but sadly that didn't happen as my father rudely took the telly. I suppose we could have taken the console upstairs and plugged it into my telly, however this required far more effort than I was willing to give. Instead we had a nice evening in my bedroom. We started off all happy just wandering around singing to a band we both get great enjoyment out of listening to, and then to lay on-top of my bed. The evening didn't start of with us being too distant, but just a little more than usual. Everything was as usual, but with none of the usual kisses. I appreciated our normal cuddles greatly, I have seriously missed those after a month of not seeing him.

The time spent together went as planned, with no lip kissing or anything more. I dealt with it reasonably well, until it seemed to me a little that he would like to kiss me. I feel that he did, just as I did, but as if he thought it would be best if he didn't. Now thinking back I disapprove of my lack of urges to kiss him, as there was at least one really close moment where it seemed as if we were about to. If we had kissed, I would have been happy about it, however right now after not kissing him, I know that no kisses was the 'right' way for it to be. I like the feeling of being really wanted, as I did today. I think holding out opposed to giving in and not resisting makes him much more interested in me, as we want what we can't have. I do try to have the higher ground as much as I can, but honestly I cannot resist him.

16thFebruary2013

It really has been nice to have a day off from work, especially after my two weeks of heavy work, countless numbers of weekends working, and the stress that the load of coursework has brought.

Things have calmed down from yesterdays dramas with my father, however he is still being as much as a prick as he usually is to me. Mother was attempting a family meeting today to try and get things resolved, however I avoided that as dad had been drinking last night and he's always in a foul mood the following day. I was going to try and talk with the both of them, however I could already hear him downstairs shouting and complaining about me to mother.

I have finally been able to see my friend today after about a month of absence. We usually see each other at least twice a week as he lives a twenty second walk away from me, however this had not been the case as I have been so busy with coursework and work experience. It was really nice to see him again, as I do really enjoy spending time with him and he truly is one of my closest friends. We got up to date with each other, discussing his relationship, my relationship status, his possible employment, my work experience, and other random topics.

15thFebruary2013

I have finally completed my two weeks work experience at Pets At Home, and I can safely say that I enjoyed it greatly. The majority of the work experience was good, and it gave me a better understanding of how a pet shop with regular animal delivery works, as well as a better knowledge on how businesses are run in the animal field of retail. I believe the reason for high levels of enjoyment was because of how well I got on with all of the staff, and how well I felt I fitted in. I am in high hope of getting a job there if any positions become available, as I have a deeper connection with one of the managers because of the situation with him and my best friend who also works there (they're sleeping together in secret). The early mornings starting at seven in the morning didn't suit me too well, but it meant that I was able to interact with the animals more, as that is when the cleaning of the enclosures and feeding happens. The animals aren't handled a lot at Pets At Home, and there is always tasks which needed to be completed meaning that I always had something to do, opposed to other work placements where there was nothing to do so I was sent to get the animals use to human interaction. I believe it would be beneficial to handle the animals more, as in my opinion the animals were more people-friendly at smaller pet shops. I managed to damage myself every day somehow, mainly from cuts, not necessarily from the animals, but from opening cardboard boxes too. I will somewhat miss working at Pets At Home, mainly due to the people who worked there.

This morning was the worst of the two weeks, as my dad is a very argumentative person anyway and is even worse in the mornings (which goes the same with me). It wasn't planned for him to take me to work, but because mum had woken up late it was down to him. I was ready by the front door and simply told him to be quick as it's time to leave, already by then I had obviously been such an inconvenience to his life that he started complaining about me and putting me down. I then got into the car waiting for him, for him to then say that the windows need to be defrosted and said it in a way that implied it was my fault. He was being horrible to me for no reason, and after a few more put downs I was gradually getting angrier. I went back in the house absolutely raging, mum calmed me down slightly and I got back into the car to try again. He then continuously complained at me some more even with me telling him to simply stop talking to me. I was so worked up at this point that I hit him and again went back inside, to then take my rage out on furniture. My face looked awful after the crying, which made me more upset and it didn't put out a good outline for the day following. In the end mother took me to work, for me to arrive ten minutes late, not at all giving a good impression for any possibility of being offered a job. My main problem was that I set out to make a really good impression on the managers there, just for it to then be completely screwed with because my dad was being unreasonable. I really do have a great passion of hate for my father. I don't feel like he cares about me in the slightest and he'd much rather have me out of his life completely.

14thFebruary2013

I am really into Gnarwolves at the moment, and I'm extremely excited for the 30th of April when I will be seeing them at a gig. I have only very recently heard of them, and gotten into them, but already they're one of my favourites. They're a gruff pop punk band from Brighton, and the three of them have been together since I assume 2010.

It's valentines day today and I'm not too bummed out over being single. It would be nice to have the day (and my life) filled with love and romance, but I'm certain I'll get my chance eventually. It makes me somewhat happy seeing other people happy in relationships too, as I love the great ideas that valentines day brings out.

My manager at work experience is very flirty, but in a caring way. I really do like him, as in personality wise. If I could find someone with his personality, around my age, and that I'm somewhat physically attracted to then I would be quite happy. I like confidence a lot, and I think that's my main attraction in him, along with being able to make me smile and laugh at any time he likes and even brightening up my seven O'clock mornings at work experience.

11thFebruary2013

Although I'm getting close to being a month behind with my blog posts, I will not accept defeat. Writing a daily blog post is inconvenient at times, but at other times it helps me greatly. I wouldn't be able to write a blog post at random when I feel I need to get things off my chest, I can imagine I would up eventually forgetting about it and instead start to go insane from all my emotions building up.

I've got a real soft spot for my ex ex at the moment, and by 'this moment' I mean the next hour or so. I've just successfully looked through four-hundred and fifty photos of him, and I could go through a hell of a lot more if I had the resources. It was one of those two week relationships that didn't really count, but I did really have fun when dating him. Although it was four years ago now, I would love to date him again, as he was the first person I was physically attracted to. My type preference has changed now, to the obvious blonde hair and blue eyes, but still his mysteriousness, scruffiness, darkness and whatever else he has is still damn attractive for me! I usually can't do facial hair in the slightest, but he seems to be the only one that  give allowance to. I shouldn't even be talking about this topic, we don't talk at all and he's an absolute man whore (from what I've heard).

4thFebruary2013

I wasn't feeling too nervous for my work experience at Pets At Home today, as I'd already felt welcomed by the manager in charge of work experience and because my best friend works there too. Of course there was a little thought inside of me thinking that it would be an awful day of cleaning, and indeed I did end up cleaning. I completed a shift starting at nine O'clock until five O'clock today, which covers my eight hours minimum a day work experience nicely. I first was let into the building and got shown around the facility, including all fire exit points and was covered briefly on the fire procedures. I was also given an introduction to the staff members that were working the same shift, but I doubt there's any chance I'll even remember half of their names by the end of the week. I started my day off upstairs in the fish department, which looks down upon the rest of the shop floor. The staff member and I ensured all enclosures were safe and secure, that all animals were in good health (fish must be checked every thirty minutes due to a recent report on Watchdog). Fish were fed in the morning, and I believe they are redone at night. Fish tanks were cleaned, using the right equipment that's correct for each column of tanks. It was a reasonably good day, however it was rather relaxed and I feel like I should have been provided with more work to do.

3rdFebruary2013

I've been at work for most of today, and it's been reasonably busy. I seem to have noticed my work performance dropping as of late, I have vague memories of being able to get through three walls at work in four hours, but lately I seem to be rushing through everything and doing half a job. I think my managers expect too much of me, either that or I really need to step up in my work pace. I don't really think I do that badly though, as I don't spend a lot of time talking and loitering about like some people in the work place. It irritates me at times to think about how little some people do at work, and how much they get away with.

Although we had already concluded that we would not be seeing each other this evening, I still stayed in hope that we somehow would do. Sadly we have not seen each other this evening, and we will not be seeing each other this evening. I was in so much hope that I would have a text from him saying that he changes his mind and that he is perfectly free to see me this evening, but instead, nothing. I am feeling down that I wasn't able to see him, but it hasn't been that bad of an evening to be fair. It's getting to the point that I haven't seen him in so long (3 weeks), and we haven't spoken that much at all, that it's really getting to me and all of my focus seems to be on him. I hate my routine I have with him; see him, have huge urges to see him, wanting to see him, be fine with not seeing him for a few days, wanting to see him, have huge urges to see him, and then see him. If it's possible to get addictions to people, I am certain to have it over him.

This evening (other than obsessing over him) I have seem my family as they came over to my house for a little while; it was nice spending time with my family, especially my little cousin even if I did have coursework to do. The rest of the evening has been spent attempting to structure a hamster maze for my HND project: "the affect of gender, age, and housing on the performance of a Syrian hamster in a spatial maze". It's been hard work, made harder by how tired I am. It's not difficult work as such, just takes a lot to get your head around the measurements and such. My mother has been extremely helpful tonight, being really caring about my course and me. My dad's been helpful too, with measuring and cutting out the cardboard fittings.

2ndFebruary2013

After the short relaxation period yesterday, I am once again feeling very stressed over the amount of work I have to do and the short amount of time I have to do it in. There's no easy solution, I'm in a situation where I need sleep, work, and have a social life, but sadly I'm only able to pick two. At the moment my levels are very low on all three, and it's not healthy for me at all. I've had a little more guidance on my husbandry coursework, with my lecturer telling me that I would have of course failed if I had submitted my coursework as it is now. I'm happy that I've had help with it, however I wish I wasn't such a failure with ALL of my coursework in the first place. I now understand my production coursework a little more now, although I know full well that I am going to struggle majorly with it as it's simply a topic that I am clueless about and will have to research into the basics. I've even had another piece of coursework back, which hasn't been failed! Simply on the basis that it was that bad that it couldn't even be accepted as coursework. The given back coursework was an academic poster for Anatomy and Physiology, but it wasn't in format as the college facilities didn't allow me to do so as they closed early without notice. This means though that I'm able to completely start fresh on my poster, and have a better advantage over everyone else in the class. The coursework wasn't even looked at, meaning that I can add in whatever I want, especially seems as I've had the work back and they can't even check that I haven't added anything more in. I'm happy about this, but not happy that I only have until Friday to complete it all when I've got work experience from eight in the morning until five in the afternoon every day this week. I'm not even too sure how I will be handing in the work, as I'm working in all the available time that I have to hand it in. This means that I only have around six hours each night to complete the work, which I suppose is twenty-four hours, but it takes me a long time to get into concentration mode. I am also going to be very knackered after long days at work experience, so this has not been planned well at all.

My plans for Sunday evening were to meet up with the ex, to get approval of the new piercing from him and to be satisfied with seeing him after a long while of not speaking as much. I'm pretty gutted that I won't be seeing him this weekend, as it will mean that I'm in damper spirits for this week. First of all it took him a couple of days to give me a reply, making me feel as if he was reluctant to meet up with me. He then said he would see me then, and then even asked about details for it, and then he suggested other days as Sunday evening wasn't very convenient for him. The two days he offered were Monday and Tuesday, for him to realise he can't do Monday, and just leave Tuesday. I'm not free at all this week as I've got work experience, which sucks greatly as I'm rather desperate to see him. At first my message was slightly giving off the impression that I simply couldn't be bothered with him, but I soon made it clear to him that I do want to see him, and that I'm not just leaving it like that because I can't be bothered. It aggravates me slightly that he probably can do Sunday evening, but it is his choice I suppose, and he knows full well what I am like with always leaving late. His last text was a little blunt, simply because it was something that I wouldn't be able to reply to, as if he's happy to have the conversation over even though I tried to make effort with us. I really must stop reading into things too much, I'm getting far too into all of this. He truly does brighten up my life.

31stJanuary2013

I asked my ex in the very early hours if the morning if he would life to meet up with me in a few days, so far I've had no ignolagment. My current thoughts are that he must be very hesitant to meet up with me, which is understandable as we're trying to stop the intimacy. My reason for wanting to meet up with him is to show him my new piercing and see how he feels about it, really I just want an approval. For some reason I'm reluctant to post it anywhere he may see as I like to tell him face to face about major changes in the piercings range. I was the same with my first and second lip piercing, and I want to assume that he will be much more approving of my industrial piercing. I of course miss him too, but this is not something I can willingly say to him, perhaps if he says it first I will do. My actions still revolve around him and his opinions towards the action. I really should set myself lose from him, but I'm rather clueless how to do that.

Friends were approving of my piercing at college today, so that made me feel much better with people's opinion on it. College hasn't been that much of a bad day at all, and I strangely seemed to enjoy it much more than I usually do on a Thursday. I've been proud with myself for remembering last weeks lesson topics on two occasions today, which is something that doesn't tend to happen at all. I've got a long way to go to remembering everything we've taught, but today has made me dowel positively about it. I found my love for maths once again, as our nutrition module has included a minor amount of maths. I find maths really enjoyable, but sadly I'm just not that good at it, coming out with a C at GCSE level.

I can now finally relax a little as the class has been given an extension on our two pieces of coursework that was supposed to be in for this Friday (tomorrow). The coursework would have been seriously implemented? if we had not got an extension, and I feel we can now be at rest because of this.

30thJanuary2013

I really need to get back on track with my blog, I'm getting so behind and it's all down to coursework taking over my life. When this blog is finally posted, it means that I have at least caught up to this date, but most likely still behind. It seems as if I have an endless amount of things that need doing, and they're all just building up, it's getting me awfully stressed.

I finally finished my 2000 word coursework on animal testing today, after three days of working on it. I'm greatly interested in the subject of animal testing, but for all the wrong reasons. While completing the coursework I've been getting rather emotional because of the topic, and hormones definitely have not been helping. The topic that mainly got me angry and upset was research that was being done on animals; monkeys being used for Parkinson's disease, mice being used for cancer research, and rats being used for stem cell research.

(A paragraph from my coursework) "Research was carried out to restore locomotion after permanent paralysis of the hind limbs due to damaged spinal cords. A machine was created to provide support with gravity but not aid in forward direction for rats to walk in a safe environment. The rats would first gain ability to perform one or two steps, then gradually sprint over ground and climb steps. Through applying electrical stimulation into the spinal cord it enabled the brain to establish new connexions in the spinal cord to send instructions to walk". It all seems fine and dandy in my coursework, but really they DISABLED a rat, and the FORCED it to walk.

Sacrificing an animal's life in aid of a human's life is not at all acceptable to me, I find it absolutely disgusting and all people who agree with animal research should be disgusted with themselves. I only find animal testing to be acceptable when it benefits the animals themselves. Worsening the life of one to make a life of another better isn't understandable. It's a selfish thing for me to say, but I honestly couldn't care less about people with problems where the problems are trying to be solved through animal research. I refuse to donate money to charities such as cancer research as they're not 'heroes' at all, they're disgraceful and I hope everyone involved burns to death. The life of one animal is far more important in my eyes than one million humans. It does not make sense to not use humans for research that is for HUMANS. I would happily watch any human that has done a wrong to be put in the place of an animal at an animal testing laboratory. Even if someone got sent to prison for something minor like stealing a chocolate bar, why not replace them for the animal that has done no wrong in it's life. I would not have a problem with seeing children purposely bred to be used for research, if it is acceptable to be done with animals, why exclude humans.

The topic has got me angry once again. Why not cut out the middle man and save all the animals from suffering when there is no need to do so. Everyone needs to stop being so selfish, so foolish and instead look the fuck around.

Enough of that now, onto the subject of the ex. After our talk over two weeks ago (damn that has gone quickly) everything has been rather strange and 'off' with us, which I suppose is understandable. It went a week until today that we hadn't spoken to each other, which I honestly hadn't thought about all that much until the past couple of days. Not speaking to him for a few days is weird enough for me, and a week is far too long as it greatly impacts my mood in a negative way. I wanted to talk to him, and I had the chance to, I just didn't feel like I should. I definitely wanted to speak to him before this, but only until the last couple of days had I felt like I really wanted to, and I didn't feel as if he would want me speaking to him. As it was him that set the standard of us to giving ourselves distance, I feel as if he has the upper hand in the situation and is telling me to back the fuck off, but in a nice way. I hold out talking to him because I'm in hope that he'll want to start up the conversation with me, and then I will know that he cares at least a little. I'm being silly again, I know he cares for me greatly, but it just panics me greatly when we haven't talked for a little while and things are not right between us. I say 'not right' between us, but this is how things are supposedly going to be from now on. Wow, this makes me sad. I had such high hopes for us.. I really need to let the fuck go.

24thJanuary2013

I had a phone call with the ex last night. It was a short one of 20 minutes long. I loved talking to him, but I hated how casual it was. I want to talk to him in a way that shows him how much I truly care about him, but that's not what he wants any more. My excuse for phoning him was to tell him that I had booked tickets for us to go to a concert, one that we had already planned and discussed. Of course I could have easily sent him a message notifying him this, and it was a bit of a pathetic reason. I didn't give myself enough time to think of a reason for phoning him, it happened before I realised, and then it was to late to stop phoning him. In the end he did miss the call, but phoned back a while later. I had an expectation of him to invite a fair amount of people to the concert we would be going to, but when asked he replied that there's no one else (meaning it would be just the two of us). He knows full well that I won't let us not stay together that night once back from London, but I guess we can worry about that later. I reckon that he will be close on that night, in a way that's there to be comforting rather than to pose anything.

23rdJanuary2013

It has been a very long day of attempting coursework and failing miserly. If only I could write my coursework about my research project; The Effect of Gender, Age and Housing on the Performance of Syrian Hamsters (Mesocricetus Auratus) in a Spatial Maze like I can do about myself; I would be absolutely fine if so. This is a piece of coursework that I handed in over a month ago, but sadly referred on which means I need to get it up to standard and then re-submit it. The coursework needs to be completed by Friday the 25th of January, so I'm in deep hope that the snow will settle once again and cancel my college day.

I've been invited by my friend from college to join him at a music concert that's on this Friday. The band we would be seeing is called The Blackout, and to see them I would have to skip out on college. I am not willing to cut off one of my college days, especially at the moment when I have so much coursework to get through and so much to learn. The Blackout are a good band from what I've heard, however I have only listened to very few of their songs. Concerts are much better when you're really into the band and can sing along to most of their songs, this is most definitely something I can't do with this band. I would have gone, but he just needs to plan it at a better time!

My parents have once again done their usual thing of arguing on a Wednesday night. This is due to my dad thinking this is an acceptable night to drink, and he seems to do so every week even though he has work the next day. He's highly irritating when he drinks, as he brings people home who are also drunk. It's even worse the next morning though, as he's in such a terrible mood and he treats both mum and me absolutely terribly. Mother does try to stop him from drinking on weekdays, but he does it anyway as he has no respect for either of us. It angers me greatly at how unappreciative of us he is, he often acts as if he doesn't want to be in a family and he would rather be with his friends. He does honestly put his friends before his family, and we truly are sick of it.

My parents went through a rough patch around a year ago, as my dad was doing drugs (again). My mother was deeply upset and hurt about it, as she had him promise her that he wouldn't touch it ever again. They 'broke up', and even though it's not a rightful thing of me to say, I preferred it that way. My father was a lot less arrogant and it was a much nicer house to live in as the two of them weren't talking, thus no arguments. After a little while they of course made up, but she will never trust him again, and I don't blame her in the slightest.

18thJanuary2013

My snow day has pleased me greatly. Not only did I get a day off college, I got to spend time with my friends, make a new friend, and completely de-stress in the snow. I am a person who loves the snow, and I can't ever remember a time where I have complained about the snow or been angry because of it. It rarely happens, so I appreciate it when I can. Luckily I have a golf course very close by my house, one that is great for sledging and socialising. My theory is that people want to play out in the snow, but only when it is not snowing at that very moment. My friends and I went up to the golf course while it was still snowing, and it was a lot less crowded than it usually is. One of my friends brought a snowboard along, which came in handy  getting down the hill when it was time to leave with all of our bin lids and sledge. I really would love to snowboard, however I don't think I would ever be that good a it as I have a lack of balance.

17thJanuary2013

As I'm so use to skipping out on classes to finish off coursework that's due in, I have promised myself that I will not skip out on any today or tomorrow, and instead try to get all of my Ecology coursework done this evening and in my lunch breaks. I couldn't see this going well for me at all, but luckily there was something that gave me great hope. Firstly my Friday day at college has been called off as snow seems to be interfering with buses. Even if it does not snow heavy, there will still not be college. Secondly the class have been given an extension until Monday on the coursework; we are all very pleased about this and cannot thank our supportive teacher enough.

All of college went well today, apart from our last module which was Business. Our teacher arrived late by thirty minutes (1/3 of the lesson time). She didn't have an excuse for it, even left early and made the lesson absolutely boring. None of our class were happy with her, and most were greatly angry. My main problem is that I have paid for this course, and for her to not educate us is totally out of order. It's not even like this is the first time it's happened, she insists that our lesson starts fifteen minutes later than it does, even after the head of the course telling her it's not on multiple occasions. In my opinion she has a very bad way of teaching that makes the boring subject more boring. I'm still irritated by her being late, but hopefully she will step up soon otherwise I'm sure she'll be fired in no time!

15thJanuary2013

I've finally got a little annoyed at the conversation and situation with the ex. It angers me that he's finally putting a stop to everything, that he's that interested in a girl enough to think it's worth mentioning to me, and that it's all happened so fast since the last talk we had a conversation about him not wanting to be in a relationship at all. I'm feeling much better about it all than I was a couple days after he first told me though. I did and do still kind of assume that things will still happen between the both of us, and then a mutual agreement afterwards that it shouldn't still be happening, and repeat.

A few hours later and I'm not feeling too sad about the conversation with the ex, I think it resulted well but of course it could have gone a lot better. I am still feeling sad about the whole situation though, but that's what I do when I'm given a deep conversation to think over.

The gym hasn't been too bad today, however I have been feeling rather self concious about it. I can't help but think about what people must be thinking about my health, and my exercise ability. I shouldn't worry too much, as it's obvious that there's far worse people in the facility than me, but still it comes naturally to panic about what people think about me. The gym went surprisingly better than I expected it to, and I'm feeling rather positively towards it now. I'm even looking forward to the gym on Friday, which is not something that anyone that knows me would expect in the slightest. My friend and I have booked our training programmes, meaning that the trainers will put us on a training scheme and monitor our progress, making us push ourselves harder.

Mother and me have been sorting through random bits and bobs that have been in the loft this evening. It's been really nice to find items that I haven't seen in months, there's been a lot of nostalgia been going on. The best thing I found in the loft was a valentines card from my ex ex, it was adorably done and it was absolutely perfect. It's most definitely the most thought about gift I have ever received from a boyfriend, and I can't see myself ever getting rid of it. Inside was a sweet note that he typed up, it said something along the lines of how he's watched enough telly to know that he's supposed to ask me to be his valentines, I'd say yes, and then we'd share a special kiss. I feel like I should be able to feel happy over that card years on, so I will!

14thJanuary2013

Although it was only yesterday that I last saw my ex, I was ready to see him again. I had a sense of urge to see him, which is something I use to get a lot throughout the first few months of dating. I feel this is related to how strongly I'm feeling for him at the time. Today though, it was so that I could talk deeply with him about remaining friends.

I haven't done much earlier in the day, so I'll snap right into it. There was a lot of talking being done over nothing, as I wanted to put the conversation off for as long as possible and spend as much time being happy with him as I could. My thoughts are that perhaps we shouldn't be friends any more, or remain in contact. Cutting off the relationship may make things better for the both of us, as we're both absolutely hopeless when we're with each other and I'm still locked in love with him. We've had this conversation quite a few times since he broke up with me, and it always results in the same outcome of us remaining friends and sorting out our problems as we go along. I don't want to stop talking to him at all, but it could make things better for the both of us. I don't believe that it will be easy for me to not feel pain about him being in a relationship, so my preference would be to protect myself by not talking to him. This is not currently happening, so I don't feel like I want to stop talking to him or that I could. Not talking to him would be really hard, and I don't believe the outcome would be worth the pain of missing him. I brought it up with him so that he would make the decision for me, but that didn't go as well as I planned as had just as much of a problem as me at making a decision. We finally decided to remain talking, but try to keep apart a little as every time we get together we end up being intimate, just like tonight. It started with me sitting on his lap for warmth as we were outside in the car, along with the obvious feeling of wanting to be close to him. One thing lead to another and after it all he said 'you're right Amy', meaning that we do need to distance ourselves. I was a little hurt after he said that, however he never once said that he wants to stop talking. Again he mentioned that he wants to remain friends even if he's in a relationship, and he even said that the girl would never get a choice in our friendship; if she didn't agree with us being friends then the two of them would go separate ways. Although he is willing to put a relationship before my feelings, he would never put our friendship behind a relationship. Him being so kind about the situation really made me feel safe with us, we really have stuck as good friends through so much. I appreciate our friendship very much, it is truly something beautiful.

13thJanuary2013

It was a late drinking evening for me. It ended with the ex in my arms, which was truly beautiful. It wasn't properly planned for him to stay over, but I asked once again at the end of the night and he kindly accepted. It wasn't a hard choice, but it was an important one none the less; choosing between staying at the event with the ex, or following the guy who I like to the pub close by. I shamefully followed the ex back into the club and consumed even more alcohol. I've worked it out to be 6-7 pints of Strongbow, two cans of Strongbow, and a little mix of alcohol I made before I went out of the house that I had drank in the night. I am proud of how much I drank without passing out or throwing up, it's a real achievement for me. The ex ex kindly gave us all a lift back to my house, and then made his way home. I was very happy that the ex was stating over, but I probably should have been a little less drunk for it. It seemed normal to be bringing him back home with me, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Even though we said we wouldn't be having any more intimacy, it still got heated between us, even in the morning when we were both sober.

Now thinking back to it, I do feel bad for the friend of mine that was staying over that night, as he seems to have big feelings towards me. I'm a terrible person for bringing the ex back, but I seriously can't waste any chances with us when things are getting so cold between us. My friend didn't bug us in the morning, which I appreciate greatly, he truly is a kind person.

We laid in bed for ages in the morning, as we would have usually done while we were dating. Waking up with him is something I seriously enjoy, everything is always so relaxed and it feels so natural. I seriously don't want to live my life any other way than having him as the main person in my life, but he's forcing me to change that.

I had obviously smoked far too much the night before, as my chest was very tight for the whole of the next day. I can't imagine being hungover all day helped either, but I managed to sleep through most of that. I first went to sleep at around 4 in the morning, I woke at 12 in the afternoon, went back to sleep at 4 in the afternoon, and then woke for a final time at 10 in the evening.

It was a beautiful early morning I spent with him, and I really do hope that I get to share that some time again soon!

12thJanuary2013

My day started off worrying about the evening, which wasn't positive in the slightest. I had very low hopes of having a good evening, simply because the ex would be there and we've been having troubles at the moment. My worst thought was that the girl he likes would be there, which I can only imagine would send me crazy. I would assume that they would be all over each other, as they would most likely be drinking and I would be at the back of his mind. Having huge feelings like this towards someone is not fun, it mucks around with my head.

The day itself hasn't been that bad. I managed to wake up at eleven fifty-five in the morning, which is huge achievement for me as of late. The long sleep was due to my late bed time, and my avoidance of a friend staying over. I'm not very sociable in the mornings, so this was best for all of us. I've been left a little sore from being waxed; under-arms, and legs which are not in pain. I also got my eyebrows threaded, which satisfies me greatly as out-of-control eyebrows are not attractive in the slightest.

Lets get started on the night.. After a little alcohol intake I was feeling excited for the night, but still understandably worried of what would come. I received a call from him a little before I left the house, asking if I was there yet as he was by himself. He asked me to call him when I got there, but I felt like I had the upper-hand by not doing so; I like feeling in-control, which is not something that I have often with him. When we arrived the best friend pointed out who she thought was him, but instead it was his lookalike, my friend who I'm somewhat attracted to because of who he resembles. We jumped in the queue with them, for the ex and the ex-ex to shortly arrive. I don't see any happiness that it brought me, but I didn't turn around to say hello, instead I pretended I hadn't seen them, perhaps in hope that they would walk straight past. I didn't want them to walk past, and in actual fact I would have probably been pretty annoyed if they did, but I guess it was just an attempt to control my feelings. The night started off with both of us saying very little to each other. I did want to talk to him, but I had no clue what to say without making it seem as if something was wrong, so instead I gave him the impression that something was wrong by starting no conversation. A little while into the gig we all went outside for a cigarette, I was a little annoyed with him, but truthfully I wanted him there. I overheard a conversation between him and the best friend about how I was avoiding him, I guess I was, but this can be put in relation to me not knowing what to say to him. After a short time he offered me a cigarette and we got talking properly, I think the conversation of me not avoiding him arouse, but I can't promise that as I was a little intoxicated. After that it was pretty much fine, although I didn't see him much of the night and instead spent it with the other four which were on the same gig level as me, which is to avoid the mosh pits at all costs. It was the after-party that started making it up for me and the ex, which was nice as I felt interested in, as if he cared. It was very nice to spend a drunken night out at a gig with him, and I hope to do it again soon.

All in all it was a good night, however I can't put much conversation into how the bands were, as obviously my head was somewhere else. It was Funeral For A Friend playing, supported by Freeze The Atlantic and My Preserver.

We then headed back to my house, with a kind lift from the ex-ex. I once again invited the ex to stay over mine for the night (as we had planned before things went to mush), and he surprisingly accepted.

11thJanuary2013

Being with a friend who likes you more than that, isn't such a nice thing. Although he knows I don't have feelings towards him, he stays in hope. I guess I can blame myself for this as some 'what goes around, comes around' thing, but god dammit. My friend's having to stay at my place tonight and tomorrow night as we're going out see a band and he won't be able to get back to his accommodation until Sunday. I do enjoy spending time with him, and I somewhat like the attention, however it's not fun having to tell him the same thing time and time again. He is a lovely person, but he doesn't realise that he's going to end up hurting himself if he carries on this way. I have a tendency to lead people on, and then leave them standing. It's not a purposeful action, but it happens because I get confused with my feelings and end up kissing them. I hope this doesn't happen with him on our drunken Saturday night out, but I suppose he will try. He is setting himself up for false hope.

College was not the greatest today, as I had to finish off another piece of coursework and get it handed in. I managed to get it all done, but that was by working through my lunch, and missing two lessons (three hours). I feel better now that it's been done, but this panic feeling comes around weekly as we tend to have a 2000 word report to hand in every Friday. The two lessons that I did go to were nice, as I understood what we were talking about well, and it was nice to spend time with friends.

This evening I have been to my families house, from around seven pm to one am. I had to drive back home afterwards, which went rather well considering how tired and cold I was, but I think this is mainly due to how many cars weren't on the road. I talked a little with my cousin over the whole ex situation, and she asked me how I was feeling about it all. I'm not sure how I feel exactly, I'm just trying to ignore the situation until I am forced to deal with it, which seems like it may be tomorrow as that will be when I will be seeing him, with a possible her there too. I played with my little cousin who is seven?, it's nice and relaxes me as it means I can act like a child again. Unfortunately I still have the same temperament as a little child, but still it was nice.

10thJanuary2013

Once again I have gone and done the silly thing of leaving my coursework for the last minute. I didn't consider that I would be knackered from my first day back at college either, which is not a good mix at all. I've decided to give up on coursework for the night, and instead attempt it at college in the morning as I'll be getting there early because I'm driving. This week has not been a good one for course work in the slightest. I'm not too stressed at the moment thankfully, but I think that's due to my tiredness.

The 'lovely' college day was started off with a dissection of a sheep's lung for my Anatomy and Physiology module. The lesson didn't go too well at all! Throughout my life I have managed to avoid all dissections other than one in secondary school, and we have had a fair few in my two years at college. I didn't think I would be able to keep myself in the room, and I was damn right. I'm not fond of blood, I don't like dead animals, and the stench was overpowering. I didn't face any of the animal parts, instead got awful glimpses of them every now and again when I wasn't being careful enough. I'm not entirely sure why, but seeing dissections make me want to cry, I'd say that it's now more down to that I'm scared of them, rather than them making me feel like I'm unwell. Today was not good for my fear of blood at all.

The following three subjects at college I can skip through as we didn't do all that much in any of them. The second lesson was Nutrition, third was Project, and fourth was Business. I didn't particularly like any of them, and I don't feel like I learned much either. This year in comparison to the level three that I completed is very poor. In the level three I was enjoying myself greatly, getting reasonable grades, and being taught properly. I know that all of our teachers do a lot for us, but truthfully I feel that there is a lot more that they could be doing. I want to be able to be proud of my work, but so far that's not happened. Perhaps I will feel better in the summer, it seems to be nicer at college when it is summer.

Something that has been brought to my attention in the past few days is my best friend's need to have a sexual partner in her life. I think she's at her all time low at the moment, as she is sleeping with her boss, who has a girlfriend, at the workplace. I think it's disgusting that she's allowing him to use her like that, I'm disgusted with how this situation ever arouse, I think it's disgusting to have sex in the workplace, and I think it's disgusting to cheat while you are in a relationship. I don't approve of my best friend's habits at all, but in a way I am thankful, as she's opened my eyes up to what I do not want to be like. I literally look at my best friend and think about how much I would hate to be her. Sleeping around is disgraceful, and I hope she one day realises this.

9thJanuary2013

All the many feelings from the past few days are finally dying down now, which I think is because I haven't talked to him at all today. Surprisingly I am not upset that we have not talked, instead I think it has given me some time to calm down and think about it properly. I can't see the next time we meet up going well though, as it will be at a gig night where I will be drinking and his possible hoe will be there. If she is, I will be so mad and will end up getting absolutely hammered. I'm planning to get hammered anyway, but her being there
would just make matters worse.

I have to build a hamster maze for a college project; the effect of sex, age and housing on a Syrian hamster (Mesocricetus Auratus) in a spatial maze. It's been a long evening of battling with coursework, but the design for the maze seems to be all finished, and now all that's left is the actual making of the maze. The maze will work out to three feet by three feet wide and either five or six inches high. My assumption will be that males will do better than females in the maze from past research, and that younger hamsters will do better than the older, however I have not yet got an opinion on if there will be an affect from housing. It was a project that I thought up and researched about myself, it's a long piece of coursework and will last until April.

My final baby hamster was taken away today. I'm feeling a little sad that they're all gone now, but it puts me at peace knowing that they're probably in a better home now. I say this because I'm sure they'll get more attention at the other homes, as keeping just six hamsters is a lot to give attention to. If I just gave them 10 minutes attention each, that already takes up an hour of my evening. I do love the babies, but I feel they have gone to good homes.

In all honesty though, I have not got much done with my day. The whole day was supposed to be spent doing coursework, but I managed to allow websites and television to distract me for most of the afternoon. All that is safe to say, is that I am not looking forward to tomorrow! It is my first day back to college since the winter holidays, and I don't appreciate mornings one little bit.

8thJanuary2013

I've had a really nice day, it's a shame about the evening. I've spent the day with my best friend, we first went to look at two gyms, got a gym membership, chose out gym clothes, and then celebrated with food. It's a big achievement for the both of us, as neither have ever had a gym membership or done much exercise over the age of ten. My biggest worry about going to the gym was being by myself, but thankfully she mentioned the idea first and I tagged along, which she was more than happy about. I'm still a bit worried about going to the gym, especially about seeing people I know there, but I'm sure it'll go fine, and hopefully we'll both stick to it!

I'm so mad right now, after yesterdays heartache I would have thought he would want to sort things through once we've both had a bit of time to think about it all. I wouldn't have even been too bothered with us meeting up today IF HE DID NOT ASK TO. Instead he makes plans with me, allows me to get happy and excited over seeing each other, and then goes and stands me up. He phoned me at the time that he said he would be over, to ask me how I was, what I've been up to, and then let me down once again. The worst thing is that he left the whole day to tell me, instead of telling me earlier, so that I can have a little pick me with with my friend before I'm sat at home waiting for him. I really am sick of it. I can't be bothered with him right now, it is not okay.

I discussed the whole yesterday situation with my best friend, she was reasonably helpful. She somewhat knows the girl that he is interested in, and it doesn't look very good for the two of them. Apparently she's has sexual control issues, getting off with anyone available. I very much hope this is the case, as I don't feel this is the type of girl that he is into whatsoever. I don't wish things to work out for the both of them, and I hope she throws it back in his face. I will probably feel bad for saying this later, but right now I am so angry at him.

He strings me along, he knows it, but I allow him to. It's not very pure of me to allow him to do so, but I take what I can get with him. I would rather something, than nothing. He finally realised yesterday that what he has been doing for these nearly two years, is not right. It has not been fair on me, and he wants to stop it even if nothing escalates with this new girl. I completely understand him, I want it to stop too, but I'm far too afraid to let go of what we have.

7thJanuary2013

I feel so numb, and I don't know what to do with myself. The one that I'm closest to has finally decided to distance ourselves. My ex (who I mentioned yesterday) has met someone else who he is interested in, making it the right time for him to let go of the relationship that we had. Ever since he broke up with me (nearly two years ago) we have carried on the relationship, by keeping the same closeness and intimacy. We had a big talk the last time we saw each other, discussing the possibility of getting with other people and what would happen if he got in a relationship with someone. It's all happened so quickly, and I don't see any way that I could change anything. Truthfully I do not feel like I could be friends with him if it was not me that he was in a relationship with. I will try my best to remain friends, but it will truly be hard. They say the worst pain you can feel is seeing the one you love, love someone else. Talking about it today was hard enough, it was like I was being broke up with all over again. I have never managed to stop loving him through these two years, it would have been difficult enough with us staying friends, but we were so much more than that. It hit me hard, as I've never really thought about us ending the intimacy we have. I'm feeling shit about it now, and I don't even want to imagine what it will be like for me when they get together. I'm very appreciative for him telling me, but this has really kicked me in the face. The thought that he likes a girl more than me makes me feel sick, and it's already making me crazy. I'm deadly in love with him, and I want nothing more than for us to be back together and happy.

He does care about me, and he will support me through this, however there's only so much that he can do. Whenever something was wrong in my life, I knew I could always turn to him. The new girl will really make me distance myself from him, as I cannot even look at his face without feeling sad that it's not me that he has feelings for and wants to be with. I don't understand how he thinks I can be around him, without making a move on him. I trust him not to cheat on this new girl once they get in a relationship, but I honestly can't resist.

I can imagine getting myself in a relationship with someone else would really help me, although as I mentioned yesterday, being in a relationship with someone else is not possible as I feel so much towards him. I don't want to consider being in a relationship with someone other than him, but I feel I may have to force myself into one. I don't reckon I could hide my feelings for him away from someone else, so I guess that the chance of a relationship is still out of the question.

I knew this day would eventually come, with us stopping this closeness that we have, but I never thought that it would be because of someone else. I seriously would love to crawl into a corner and die right now, but thankfully (I suppose) I'm not that stupid to do something like that any more. I do believe distancing ourselves will help me get over him, but I've only once been brave* enough to do so. It wasn't so much me being brave though, it was more to do with that my life was really going downhill and I had to distance myself from everyone.

She really is getting everything that I have ever wanted. It's hard to let any of this happen, but I've got no voice in what happens. He has said that he would rather be friends with me than in a relationship with anyone else, but that wouldn't be at all fair of me to say that I'll stop talking to him to cope with the situation in hope that he chooses not to be in a relationship. I want to be friends with him, I really do, but I cannot promise that it will last.

6thJanuary2013

I'm tired and I've just been watching a film with a feature of love within it, sadly resulting in me thinking.. I would love to fall in love with someone who loves me equally, in a girlfriend / boyfriend kind of way opposed to the friendship or family kind of love. It's difficult at the moment though, as I am already in love with someone. Unfortunately for me, they do not feel the same way. I'd like to think that they once loved me, but my mind now says that they never quite did, or it just wasn't that strong to make them want to fight to make the relationship work. There's so many things I regret from my past relationship, but I still try to look at all aspects positively.

I can't say if it's him who I'm in love with, or whether it's the concept of love that I'm in love with. I'm so desperate for that feeling of closeness with somebody, knowing that you'll always be accepted by them no matter what you do.

My main reason for not being in another relationship is down to my feelings towards this guy, which leaves me to think up other pathetic reasons as to why relationships wouldn't work out between me and other people. I have had chances to be with people who genuinely like me, and would treat me very right, but they aren't him.

I don't like to focus this all around the positive side of love, but the positive memory is blocking out the negative right now.

5thJanuary2013

My day has consisted of getting ready for work, working, and spending an evening at my nans for a small family gathering which usually happens on Saturday nights. As it's the start of the year my work place decided it would be a nice time to start spring cleaning, which I'm not too keen on. My job was to take shoes off the shelf, dust the shelf, and put the shoes back onto the shelf. It wasn't a fun job, and I don't appreciate dust at all. I only managed to get half of the shoe collection done, but I'll possibly be carrying this on tomorrow through my four hour shift.

I came across a familiar face today at work, but couldn't put a name or a reason to it. It was a little embarrassing / awkward when that person approached me and said "hello, remember me then?". Once he told me his name it all came back to me. I met them at my friends private party in December 2011, which is understandable to why I wasn't remembering them completely. They were involved in a big blow out I had with my cousin at the start of the year, which led the both of us not talking for around six months. It was hard as my cousin and I were very close, but she was completely over-reacting to the situation and I was a little clueless to everything. Thankfully my cousin and I have made up now, but I wouldn't say that we are as close as we use to be. The familiar face buzzed around me while I was working, and it was a nice catch up to have, even if I did have a lot of work to get through and it wasn't a nice reminder.

There's not much to say about my family gathering, as most of my time was spent on my laptop looking through social media sites and playing games. I did enjoy my families company, but I feel it would have been more beneficial for me to go home and rest as I wasn't too lively. I'm off to sleep now though, in preparation of a long day tomorrow consisting of cleaning out my animals (fish tank, chinchilla cage and multiple hamster cages) and room, working, and then coming home to let one of the baby hamsters go.

Seems as I have not written about my baby hamsters as of yet in 2013, I will do so now. I currently only have two more baby hamsters left, one of which that has an owner that will be collecting her tomorrow. I have six of my own hamsters that I will be keeping; Mini (mum), Nibbler (dad), Scramble and Marble (boys), Mash and Barley (girls) which were from the first litter of the parents. The four babies were purposely bred, and were not planned on being kept, however the decision to keep them was made when there wasn't a lot of hamsters to sell. The second litter was not a planned pregnancy, instead the mother and father both escaped from their exercise balls at the same time. The first pregnancy didn't go too well, as quite a few of them didn't make it past the first few weeks. I think the death of the first litter was down to the fact that the mother wasn't prepared with efficient nutrients and that she was inexperienced. The second and last litter was much more successful, resulting in around seven surviving pups. The baby hamsters were very cute, and a detailed process through them growing up has been stated previously through the blog.

4thJanuary2013

My dreams don't like to be very nice to me at times, especially last night. First of all I was insulted by a friend saying that I was dull, and how he doesn't understand how another friend puts up with me. Next I was insulted by my ex-ex, who sad he was happy that it had been over a year that we had broken up. Lastly I was offended by being left out of going to Reading Festival, which in a way is in relation to reality.

I would love to go to Reading Festival, and plenty of other festivals for that matter, but I have many problems with them. My main issue is drugs, which I completely disapprove of. I wouldn't like to be around people doing them, but more importantly I would have little control over myself while drinking and would likely end up taking drugs. Festivals are really dirty places too, and camping is not one of my strong points, especially when I don't get time out to shower. My last problem is that I have no close friends that would want to go, and the only one that will most likely en up going, won't invite me, and it would be far too weird to spend time with their other friends.

Big Brother is an addiction of mine, however that comes and goes. I prefer the show with the normal people, opposed to the celebrities, but it's a nice warm up for the real show. I missed the opening showing last night, so instead had to watch it this morning. This is the order in which the contestants entered the house: Frankie Dettori (horse rider), Rylan Clark (xfactor 2012 contestant), Paula Hamilton (model), Tricia Penrose (actor), Ryan Moloney (actor), Gillian Taylforth (actor), Sam Robertson (actor), Lacey Banghard (glamour model), Claire Richards (vocalist), Neil Ruddock (footballer), and lastly Heidi and Spencer Pratt (actors). I have taken a liking to all of the house-mates, other than Spencer who doesn't seem to be very nice. These are all early judgements though, so I will leave it at there.

3rdJanuary2013

Once again I have spent a huge part of my day playing The Sims, but I managed to control my addiction a little better today, as there was another addiction craving my attention. My other addiction is nicotine, through JPS black cigarettes. My Sims break was spent walking to shops to buy a few packets as I had ran out. My plan was to quit smoking for one of my new years resolutions, I even set a limit of how many I was allowed each day for the few previous weeks before new years day. Smoking relaxes me, and it reduces my stress levels. I first started smoking at the age of 14, as it caught my interest. I use to take cigarettes from my father (without his knowledge), unless I was around people that could and would buy them for me. I had always wanted to quit before I turned 18, but sadly that did not happen and I can't see myself quitting smoking for a while now. I have tried to quit smoking plenty of times, but I've always failed miserably.

My phone has been broken since Christmas eve now. It wasn't bothering me too much though as it gave me a break from texting people, which I'm not too keen on as it's far too time consuming. I don't mind texting if it has a purpose, such as making plans or supporting someone in a time of need, but people get too repetative with their texts. I haven't been very happy at all with my phone that's recently broken. I've had the model for two years, and it managed to break four times with no influence. I think it's appalling how a faulty phone can be sold by such a professionally company. The phone was a Sony Ericsson wi20, and I don't suggest it at all! I was very upset that Orange had promised me a completely new phone once this had broken again, but unfortunately the phone broke just three months out of the contract. I felt Orange had cheated me a little, as at first I was told it was the third time that I would get a new phone, but instead they raised that. Orange don't treat their customers well at all, but they managed to work into me through using an Irish man on call for customer services who offered me 10% off my bill for my new phone. The phone that I will be getting is an iPhone 4. There are two new editions to the iPhone, however neither of them appealed to me. I've been thinking of getting an iPhone for a few months, and I'm still a little unsure as I can be very clumsy at times.

2ndJanuary2013

Many of my teenage years have been spent playing The Sims, which I have a slight addiction to. The addiction started with The Sims 1, then The Sims 2, and finally The Sims 3 as the game for PC was one of my Christmas presents. It's a great game that I can escape reality through, as I can create my ideal life in the game that I cannot achieve in reality, which is my poor excuse for playing it all day long. The Sims doesn't make a good impact on the rest of my life other than getting away from problems. I tend to ignore or decline my friends when being asked out. The third game has topped the second massively. The game allows the characters to be completely personalised, and the graphics are great. Although it defeats the object of the game, I used cheats to become rich and happy (as they are practically the same thing), that enabled me to create a beautiful house.
I have so many high expectations for my home when I'm older. I would love every room to be colour coded; with a definite blue living room, a red bed room and a brown dinning room. I can imagine the relating colours would really brighten up my mood. I would have a beautiful house if I had sufficient money to do so.

1stJanuary2013

The plans for this blog were supposed to change completely, so my hardest will be given to do so. At the start of 2012 the blog seemed to be to be appropriate and easy to understand for new readers, but slowly it slipped into posts that were simply for me. Looking though some of my posts from 2012 I realise how some of them were completely uninteresting to everyone, and I will try to avoid that from now on. I'm still unsure of how to go about talking about people, whether to use their first name, second name, or initials. I think an introduction to everyone I talk about would be nice, but anyone who doesn't follow the blog religiously won't understand my situations or the people involved in them.

Lets start on new years resolutions, as I believe I've chosen a great one this year that I can stick to. I usually have the same resolution every year; to lose weight and get exercise. Sadly for me, I love my food and I hate exercising. This new years resolution is to stay vegan for three months (I've been a vegetarian for four years now). I eventually want to go vegan permanently, but while living with my parents this proves to be difficult. My main reason for wanting to become vegan is my passion for animal welfare, as harm does come to them with consuming products that they produce. I am 100% confident that I will never purposely eat meat in my life again, but unfortunately I cannot say the same with being vegan diet. I can't remember ever having a big liking to meat, which meant switching to vegetarian was easy for me, but I cannot say the this about my love for dairy and the ease of becoming vegan. It will be a hard three months, but I'm certain I can do it.

I am currently in eduction studying higher national diploma in animal management, and I have a part time job at Matalan. From secondary school I went to college to study animal management, which lasted two years and I absolutely loved the course. I had a good group of friends and felt I fitted in nicely. The same goes for the course I am on now, which is the level five and will also last for two years. I have an option to go through a third year at a uni, which I'm feeling positively about as I love education that's interesting to me. Matalan is my first job, and I have been working there since September 2012. I enjoy working there very much as everyone's nice, which overweights the pay that isn't the greatest. I would prefer having a job linking to animals, but as a first job I cannot complain.

My blog will be revolved around me and my life, discussing my thoughts, opinions and providing an insight to what I do. The blog first started as it was a good was to express my feelings how I wanted to without having to involve those that know me. Having a blog makes my stress levels lower, and I hope you also can benefit from the blog.