7thJanuary2013

I feel so numb, and I don't know what to do with myself. The one that I'm closest to has finally decided to distance ourselves. My ex (who I mentioned yesterday) has met someone else who he is interested in, making it the right time for him to let go of the relationship that we had. Ever since he broke up with me (nearly two years ago) we have carried on the relationship, by keeping the same closeness and intimacy. We had a big talk the last time we saw each other, discussing the possibility of getting with other people and what would happen if he got in a relationship with someone. It's all happened so quickly, and I don't see any way that I could change anything. Truthfully I do not feel like I could be friends with him if it was not me that he was in a relationship with. I will try my best to remain friends, but it will truly be hard. They say the worst pain you can feel is seeing the one you love, love someone else. Talking about it today was hard enough, it was like I was being broke up with all over again. I have never managed to stop loving him through these two years, it would have been difficult enough with us staying friends, but we were so much more than that. It hit me hard, as I've never really thought about us ending the intimacy we have. I'm feeling shit about it now, and I don't even want to imagine what it will be like for me when they get together. I'm very appreciative for him telling me, but this has really kicked me in the face. The thought that he likes a girl more than me makes me feel sick, and it's already making me crazy. I'm deadly in love with him, and I want nothing more than for us to be back together and happy.

He does care about me, and he will support me through this, however there's only so much that he can do. Whenever something was wrong in my life, I knew I could always turn to him. The new girl will really make me distance myself from him, as I cannot even look at his face without feeling sad that it's not me that he has feelings for and wants to be with. I don't understand how he thinks I can be around him, without making a move on him. I trust him not to cheat on this new girl once they get in a relationship, but I honestly can't resist.

I can imagine getting myself in a relationship with someone else would really help me, although as I mentioned yesterday, being in a relationship with someone else is not possible as I feel so much towards him. I don't want to consider being in a relationship with someone other than him, but I feel I may have to force myself into one. I don't reckon I could hide my feelings for him away from someone else, so I guess that the chance of a relationship is still out of the question.

I knew this day would eventually come, with us stopping this closeness that we have, but I never thought that it would be because of someone else. I seriously would love to crawl into a corner and die right now, but thankfully (I suppose) I'm not that stupid to do something like that any more. I do believe distancing ourselves will help me get over him, but I've only once been brave* enough to do so. It wasn't so much me being brave though, it was more to do with that my life was really going downhill and I had to distance myself from everyone.

She really is getting everything that I have ever wanted. It's hard to let any of this happen, but I've got no voice in what happens. He has said that he would rather be friends with me than in a relationship with anyone else, but that wouldn't be at all fair of me to say that I'll stop talking to him to cope with the situation in hope that he chooses not to be in a relationship. I want to be friends with him, I really do, but I cannot promise that it will last.