17thFebruary2013

I'm feeling rather sad now, as tonight I have spent time with my ex and he has now left. Every time he leaves I feel a wave of despair wash over me, lasting for a few days to a couple of weeks. I do really enjoy spending time with him, but I seem to have a 'come down' after seeing him. The first thing I want to do after seeing him, is see him again. I don't know how to stop this feeling, and I can remember being like this ever since there was a hint of something wrong with out relationship. Perhaps it's because I don't know when the next time I see him will be, or because there's a slight thought in my head that I will either not see him for a long time, or never again. That's a ridiculous thing to think, but I don't know what causes these thoughts and emotions. I remember it being so bad at one point that I ended up crying every time he left, it was a serious problem. I use to suffer from depression, seeing him use to cheer me up majorly, and him leaving displeased me greatly. I think my depression may also be linked to the sadness that comes when he leaves, as I feel so safe while I'm with him. Late night thoughts have me feeling that I may still be so attached to him because he helped me through my depression, and the thought of not being the same with him may bring the depression back. This is a serious breakthrough in reasons for me being so deadly attached  and I must talk to him about it the next time I see him.

We were planning to play Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2, but sadly that didn't happen as my father rudely took the telly. I suppose we could have taken the console upstairs and plugged it into my telly, however this required far more effort than I was willing to give. Instead we had a nice evening in my bedroom. We started off all happy just wandering around singing to a band we both get great enjoyment out of listening to, and then to lay on-top of my bed. The evening didn't start of with us being too distant, but just a little more than usual. Everything was as usual, but with none of the usual kisses. I appreciated our normal cuddles greatly, I have seriously missed those after a month of not seeing him.

The time spent together went as planned, with no lip kissing or anything more. I dealt with it reasonably well, until it seemed to me a little that he would like to kiss me. I feel that he did, just as I did, but as if he thought it would be best if he didn't. Now thinking back I disapprove of my lack of urges to kiss him, as there was at least one really close moment where it seemed as if we were about to. If we had kissed, I would have been happy about it, however right now after not kissing him, I know that no kisses was the 'right' way for it to be. I like the feeling of being really wanted, as I did today. I think holding out opposed to giving in and not resisting makes him much more interested in me, as we want what we can't have. I do try to have the higher ground as much as I can, but honestly I cannot resist him.