I woke up for college today at 6.20, I then got into the shower and 15 minutes later dad was hitting the door telling me to hurry up in a slightly aggressive voice telling me I have taken ages, instead of arguing I decided to ignore him instead. When I got out of the shower a very few minutes after I went straight into my room, he was standing on the opposite end of the upstairs corridor and shouted abuse at me as soon as I got out, so I told him to shut the fuck up and that I don't care as I went into my room and closed the door. He very soon got more aggressive and more abusive, I hit the door telling him to shut up again and then he punched to door on the other side. He then opened the door and slammed it with me behind it, pushing me into the wall and forced me to become trapped. My toe was under the door and from the amount of force he was giving has left it to now be swollen; It doesn't hurt when I walk but does when I attempt to move it. After he let go because of my screaming and crying, my mum heard what was happening and came upstairs to shout at him. He was shouting how she always sticks up for me [which isn't true], but in the end he is twice the size of both of us and always takes everything too far and ends up really hurting us. He was shouting at me saying how I should move out and stop being a spongy cunt, he said I do nothing with my life and I should go get a job. Other things he said included that he doesn't like me and doesn't care about me. He apologised a while after, but I can tell he means most of those things and he truly doesn't care. I was so upset this morning, everything was getting to me about the whole Alex and Chris situation and so I cracked, I felt alone. This morning I cut myself, not too deep, but deep enough for it to be there for a good few months to a year I would say. This morning reminded me of a time before, it was a very dark time in my life where I was seriously depressed and was about to take my life. I wrote a little something for my friends / family which I wanted them to know; my dads letter was all about how he mistreated me and told me he doesn't want me there and now his wishes are all coming true. The letter to him was the only one which said anything like that, all those times I cut myself over him, so many memories rushing back to me bring me to tears.
As my phone is broken I'd rather set it onto aeroplane mode so I cannot receive any texts which I wouldn't be able to reply to. Mum needed the phone earlier as she was talking to Sony Ericsson about it, when she turned it back on she went onto the normal mode, thus giving me texts. There was one from Alex.. It said something along the lines of 'I'm not expecting a reply, but I would quite like Stigg and Steffy back please'. Stigg and Steffy are his teddys; I bought Stigg for him on his 16th birthday which was less than three months after we got together, and Steffy is the bear he has had his whole life. It upsets me that he text me this and hasn't bothered to say that he wishes me well or anything, but I did expect this text. I think I'm going to keep them both for the rest of the month as they comfort me at night and when I am down. I am planning to see Alex and Chris at the start of the next month, depending on how that day is, I will decide if I ever want to see them again after or live my life separately.
I have spent so much of today upset, so many tears have been shed because of Alex. Knowing that the one person you have ever loved and cared for the most is gone and there's nothing you can do about it is with no doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I believe there is no way to help after this has happened as I've tried to move on so many times now. Sometimes I wonder if he realises how much I am still in love with him, and then I realise that if he did there would be nothing he could do about it anyway. He cannot force himself to start liking me just as much as I can't stop myself from loving him. In the end you should always accept people as they are, or move on and find someone who is more like the person you want them to be. No one is perfect, until you wish them to be no other way <3
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