1stJanuary2012

My first blog of the year :) Today hasn't been one of my easiest, because of a very stupid thing that I allowed to happen last night. 'New year, new start'.. What happens when you already cock it up in the first few hours ?! I've decided to make this month a 'forgetting' month, by disregarding two people which have a very big impact on my life; closing down my Facebook and using my phone much less is the aim. I am very close to these two people and have been for quite a while. Firstly Alex, we dated from the 5th of September 2009 until the 26th of February 2011 which is when he ended it; I am still not over this relationship. Secondly Chris, a friend which has liked me since Christmas 2010 and has not given up since. Neither of the two like each other that much because they know I hold back too many secrets between the two. Today was the day that I finally reached out and cut the contact between the two boys and myself. I have always been too afraid to tell either of them that I need a little space from them, in fear that they would not be there when I was ready to come back. Truly I am still scared of that, but I have realised that I must push myself if I wish to improve myself. I don't think the love that Chris has for me will get any smaller over this next month, and when I am ready to contact him, he will be right there for me like a dog would be to their owner after they have came home from work for the day. I'm in hope that Chris will be less forceful towards me though, not trying to come onto me all the time and not telling me how I feel. Alex on the other hand, I feel the start of next month won't go so well. So many negative thoughts are going through my head such as he will find another girl, he will rapidly forget about me, I will not be able to make a month without talking to him and much more negativity. The truth is I don't really want to be over Alex at the end of the month, but instead am in hope that he realises how much he misses me in his life and we cannot keep on being the way that we are; pretty much in a relationship but hiding it from everyone else and not seeing each other as much as we would do. No matter how much I would love for that to happen, I know that it will not and any chance of Alex and me ever being together is completely gone. I can see myself becoming really lonely for this month, but hopefully I can focus on becoming healthier, putting more effort into college and building my other friendships. Today, I am unhappy and unsure of what will come of this month.