20thJanuary2012

Today is a sad day, for today is the day that everything ended between my best friend; Lean and her boyfriend Omur. It was him who broke the bond, on the phone her this morning. She phoned me straight after their phone call crying down the phone to me, unfortunately we couldn't get to each other meaning I could only comfort her through the phone call without any hugs. Most of the time it's Lean that breaks up with the boys and leaves them heart broken, only once can I remember her being this upset over a guy; Tayo, who she dated in around year 8 or 9. She cut herself so deeply over him and still has the scars from four years ago! I so badly hope that she hasn't hurt herself over this relationship, would mean I would have to cause a lot of pain to Omur! It's how he broke up with her that's affecting her the most, it was as if he wanted her to feel pain and wanted it to be really deep pain. He told her things such as 'he had never loved her, only said it as it is easier than saying he doesn't'. This was all brought on by his sister, who has said that Lean hasn't been treating her nicely lately, even though Lean says she has done nothing wrong, I understand that there's a good chance that she has said something back to his sisters bitchy-ness as she is not usually the person to keep her mouth shut. I do hope that Lean hasn't hurt herself and will soon be okay, I love my best friend.

In my second phone call today with Lean, I found out that Alex knows something between Chris and me happened. I feel so sick that words cannot explain. I have no idea how Alex reacted and guess I won't know until at least 12 days later than now. I think it's worse that he heard it from someone else other than me, and before I was ready to talk to him about it. I am so unhappy as I even asked Chris not to tell people about it and have no idea how it managed to get to Alex. I really need the chance to talk to him about it, explain my side of the story and show him how hard these months have been for me. I think the worst thing is that I have been disloyal to Alex, he never asked and I never said. I think I should stick to what I said and not talk to him until the 1st, hopefully this will give him a chance to think about it properly. When I finally meet up with him I will probably have to be drinking as I will not be able to cope or say anything about the whole situation, I will end up crying to Alex and I hope he's willing to give me a hug. Chris is the one person who Alex would never want me to have anything with, as it seems like Chris has wiggled himself in-between Alex and me and has always been trying to get in a relationship with me even before we were broken up.

This whole situation with Alex and Chris is very likely to send me to depression. I really do feel like there's no one who I can talk to to make anything better, or that will even understand me. All I wish for right now is that Alex will still want to be friends with me at the end of the month and ever more.