8thJanuary2012

I think it's a bit ridiculous really, how long it's taking me to get over such a stupid boy. I think his reasons were ridiculous too. And I think everything to with our break up is completely crazy. I'm sure we could have tried to work it out, but instead he just gave up. I think he was scared of being in a relationship that deep, and before he knew it, it had already happened and I was in love with him and willing to devote everything to him. Alex has been a good friend I guess since the break up as he was always here for me. At the start of our single lives I kept coming onto him and he would ask if I really wanted to, of course I wanted to, I wanted him to want it too. I don't understand why Alex doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, maybe it's because I was too much into him compared to how much he was into me, maybe it was the commitment part, maybe it was how much he thought we needed to see each other and talk to each other. He told me when he broke up with me that he sees me as more of a friend than anything else, I really truly was devastated. I've never had a relationship like that, not where over 10 months on, I still am not over them at all. I do believe my love for Alex will go on endlessly. The mood that I'm in right now means that any happy memory that was shared between Alex and me, I get upset thinking about it afterwards. Just to do with the fact that I miss when we were happy, when nothing was wrong.

The last time I saw the both of them, was right after we had sex. With Alex it felt so right and so natural, afterwards I was feeling happier than ever and feeling so close to him. With Chris it felt so wrong and so un-natural, afterwards I was feeling unhappy and wanted to distance myself from him. I remember Chris saying to me 'Amy, are you drunk', I replied yes and asked him the same, he said not really. Chris was out for himself at that moment, and I don't think he cared at all what I was thinking or how I felt at all. He knows how I feel about Alex, but not about anything we have continued to do with each other. Alex knows nothing about me and Chris, and I'm not sure if he's suspicious at all. I think even if Alex did think something was going on with Chris and me, he would be too scared to ask. I have always felt so happy knowing I lost my virginity to Alex, and felt so proud of myself that I could stay true to him and myself. Being able to say I had only had sex with one person who I loved gave me so much respect for myself and I always use to tell myself I would only have sex with someone if I loved them. I do love Chris, but not in the right way to open myself up to him in that way. I hate how people are with sex, taking anything they can get and spending it in one night never to see the other person again. I'm not a Christian, and do not think there is any need for anyone to save themselves for marriage.. But I do think there is a need to wait for the right person, ensuring they both want it and love the other person limitlessly. I definitely made a mistake in having sex with Chris and I hope nothing ever happens like this again. I could happily never have sex again if I don't find the right person. Don't let yourself get pressured into anything, stay strong in your own thoughts.