For most of today I have been on the internet, so much time was spent on it that it has all conjoined together and seems like actually not that much time was spent on it! Other than that, mum and I visited my family just this evening. I saw my two cousins; Caitlin who may be seven and Shanice who is eighteen but in the same school year as me. After spending some time with all of the family downstairs Shanice and I went up into her room to have a private catch up as we had not seen each other since a few days after Christmas. The main topic of conversation was about the whole Chris and Alex situation. Shanice is the only other person who I know that has had a similar relationship to mine and Alex's, however theirs ended much differently and they no longer talk. Anyway, talking to her made me think a lot more as she opened me up to new aspects of it, such as that people may now know about what happened with Chris and I, and that if so he must have not been keeping his mouth shut, or telling people who he should have known he could not trust. We talked about how there may be a chance that Alex doesn't know, but I feel now that I must be open with him as it is the only right thing to do. I also had a conversation with my friend Maybury, he truly is such a caring and amazing person! This is how the conversation went if anyone needs a little info > Simply I am no way over Alex, even before we broke up there was a guy called Chris who now appears to have been trying to wiggle himself in. After Alex broke up with me, Chris was there making sure I have been okay. He has always been open with me telling me that he likes me, and slowly his feelings have been growing and we came closer as friends. [Keep in mind I got broken up with in Feb] In Oct, one night I got stupidly drunk resulting in me remembering nothing much of my night, just before I went to sleep I remembered someone's lips being pressed against mine but have no idea who it was. Obviously assuming Chris as he was there as I woke up later, however still lightly drunk. Chris came into the room and as he came closer to my face I kissed him and broke the bond of being just friends. Since then I thought I may of had something for Chris, but had many many doubts. Throughout the months we carried this on and I was so confused within my thoughts. I knew I loved Alex, but enjoyed the attention from Chris. Possibly November, I had a phone call with Alex and we talked about a girl he had kissed on one of his drunken nights out. He said something along the lines of Amy you are the only one I really want anything to happen with, and I can't see myself feeling any different for a long time. This got my thinking about the whole Chris situation and I realised I really didn't want anything to happen again. However it did on new years and we ended up sleeping together [only person other than Alex and first time]. One thing I remembering him asking is if I was Drunk, I replied yes and asked the same. He replied with not really and we carried on. Thus kind of taking advantage. This is why I needed to take a month out from them two in attempt to get my head clear.. But so far it's not working too well. Still locked in love with Alex and want nothing more than a friendship with Chris. But only yesterday was it that I found out Alex had heard what happened on that night. I think the worst thing is that he didn't hear it from me. I wasn't particularly planning on telling Alex at all. But now the conversation is gunna have to come up. I'm so afraid of how he's going to feel about being friends with me. Over the months I have just been digging myself a deeper hole =/ Nothing I can do now other than wait for the month to end and talk to the both of them with honestly. Ahh I've fucked up so hard this time =/ < After all of that Maybury understood me and comforted me with many words. He not only told me everything will be okay, he gave me advice on how to ensure everything gets better. He showed me through his own personal experiences how he has overcame such things with love and told me how he has dug deeper holes and has still managed to come out on top of them.
The truth is, I am so scared of talking about the whole situation with Alex. I would hope that after all of this time he won't let this affect our friendship completely. Really I should know what Alex's opinion would be, but I am so head fucked now and so worried that I don't even know how I should be feeling. I need to find out who blabbed to Alex and find out the whole route of who told who to allow it to get to Alex. I know for certain that this is Chris' fault, that people know about what happened, but I guess I always knew this was a risk and in ways I can only blame myself.
Here's a little bit about my friend Maybury as he has always been such a good friend to me and is very much worth mentioning! The first I remember talking to him was around winter time in 2008, we already had each others numbers by the night that his name shined through and we met through a social networking site, bebo I think. On one very bad night for me I was ready to take my life, and was trying to do so. As I was waiting for the pills I had taken to work, I decided to text a few people to see if there was anyone that would text back in the late hours of the night. Maybury was one of the people who I was texting and as he was so nice and came across so genuine I decided to tell him about what I was doing and what my reasons for choosing this decision was. He talked to me throughout that whole night until I was ready to be alone, with so much care for me even though I had only really started talking to me, he was there when no one else was. Since that night our bond has grown so strong, and even though we have not met, I know that I will always remember him and remember the thoughtfulness of that once just a stranger. I love BSMM <3
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