17thJanuary2012

I often find it hard to keep up with all the lies and secrets I have between different people. I guess it's not lying if all I'm doing is keeping the truth from someone and instead turn it into a secret. There is not one person which I feel I can be completely honest with, they will always judge and not understand how I feel or why I do those things. I don't tell people things as I feel they won't accept me any more. With Chris for example, if he knew how it has been for Alex and me since we have broken up. And with Alex for example, if he knew how it has been for Chris and me for the last few months. I have been keeping so many lies, that I am so afraid of letting the truths out, no one knows the real me any more, not even myself. There is one secret I have been keeping for quite a while, it is breaking me apart as I want to be honest with Alex about it, but I know that if I ever did tell him, he would think so much less of me and we would likely end up not being friends. I try to make excuses for everything, but for this I can only blame myself. I will eventually let it out on here, possibly, but for now I am not ready.

I don't like facial hair on boys [and obviously girls too], I hate the feeling of somebody rubbing their face up against yours as you feel all the stubble scratching all of your skin. I think it can look quite unclean at times. Beards and moustaches tend to put me on edge, I feel as if the guys are trying to hide something from me or are likely to kill me. I'm sure I have no reason for feeling any of this, but it is there and that's just my opinion. Stubble can look good on some people, but this is very limited, and stubbles are as far as it should go. There is only one person I find attractive who often has stubble, my ex ex Matt; he looks rugged all over, which for a weird reason is attractive to me.
Another thing I am not keen on in boys is muscles, fair enough I do expect them to be slightly macho, but big biceps really turns me off. The only thing I am positive thinking on is a six-pack, however not after I have seen them without it and then slowly growing one after working out. Alex for instance, wasn't anything special in the muscle area, but he has now been going to the gym for about half a year, working out regularly on improving his muscles. This makes me feel over-powered by him and I really dislike it, I can no longer pin him down for even a few seconds or get him to where I want him to be as he is now much stronger. I liked having some control over Alex before, but this just upsets me. I have one friend who really is in love with his muscles, he talks about them within 5 minutes of meeting up with him every time, it does my head in and I really could not care less. The more my friend Sean talks about his muscles, the more I become disgusted and the bigger of-put I have towards them.

'Sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead', Adele can always manage to get me into a sad or feeling sorry for myself mood. The song by her called Someone Like You makes me reminisce moments spent with Alex; it is not over for me yet.