One thought that went through my mind today was that just maybe, I don't care what Alex thinks. And whatever his reaction is to my antics of the past few months, I won't be affected by them and my feelings won't be changed at all. In reality though, Alex's opinion is the only one I really care about, I'd rather share his thoughts than have my own. I am in love with Alex, not only do I want to be with him, I want to be just like him. His personality to me truly is the most beautiful I have ever seen. I am so crazy over him, I don't believe there's a chance I will ever be any different. I do wish I couldn't care, but that's just another thing I will have to accept in my life.
There was one time when I went over his and acted like I didn't care, I kept my distance away from him quite a bit and pulled away a few times; it made him more attracted to me. He tried harder that day, and I felt great! I felt like I was the one in control, that I could make any decision and he would stand by me. My problem is I cannot get back to that feeling, as soon as I see him I start to melt and take every opportunity to be as close as possible to him.
I really do think a councillor would be a good thing for me, to keep me steady as I feel head fucked oh so much! But then if I did ever go, I would feel as if I was being judged, really they wouldn't understand and instead would think I was just being a stupid bitch. There's not always a way out </3
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