10thJanuary2012

I'm feeling in a better mood today !! I think this is to do with the fact that no one bothered me in the morning and I have been keeping my mind active on things other than Alex and Chris for most of the day. It makes such a change, feeling satisfied today, from feeling suicidal yesterday. I was suppose to get my uni choices sorted for tomorrow, but I guess that'll have to wait yet another day as I've been distracted and tired tonight. My phone was sent away yesterday, as I couldn't even get it to light up without using the keypad. This meant the hours of recordings from when Alex and me have been on the phone together have been lost, I only wanted to listen to them over once again then would have deleted them forever. I got really upset over this last night, but I've been through losing things on my phone and laptop so many times that I should be use to it by now. As I was walking home from the bus stop earlier I thought I may have seen Chris driving in his car, the person inside looked at me back as I stared for a little recognition. I'm more than certain that it was not him however, there is no chance he could have carried on driving and not come to see how I was, even if I did say I wanted no contact with him. I hate how I expect people to know what I want without telling them, Alex for example, I always wished he would come over and surprise me. I know that's a very silly thing to do but that's me all over. There's nothing much else to say about my day other than I nearly fell over and all of my class was directly behind me, I would have been laughing so hard if I saw someone fall so I expect no different from others. Another thing worth mentioning is that I am using one of my mums old phones, as I was looking through the photos I found one of me with an ex which treated me badly; it amused me and I couldn't help but laugh at it. The pain that I went through because of him is near enough nothing compared to what I'm going through in my life now because of my most recent ex. My old ex Ryan, didn't really care about me at all and controlled me into thinking in his way of life. He blackmailed me to stay with him and made my life hell at times. I am very happy that he is in the past but do not regret anything that happened; if these moments were taken away I would not be the person I am today :)