I really am having some trouble trying to figure out why I am still friends with Lean right now. She really doesn't understand how much I would do for her, how much I care about her or how much I love her. After how she has always treated me, I shouldn't be friends with her at all. She is always letting me down; any time we plan to met up with just the two of us, she forgets and doesn't bother mentioning it on the day or after. To parties such as my dads and Chris', she put other peoples parties before people who she is most close to; for the one at my house it was only a few hours before which she told me she could not come to, as she had 'forgotten about the other party which she accepted the invite to months ago'. She does 'string me along' as such, by telling me every now and then that I'm her best friend, but really I know her heart is somewhere else. I so badly wish I would just be able to let go of a friend as bad as her, but really I know she is such a good friend at times too. However I'm in a negative mood and don't want to say anything about her niceness [which under-weighs the nastiness] at all right now.
I have only painted my nails once this year, just this Friday night so they were ready for the party on Saturday night. The nail polish came off the next afternoon, leaving my nails to look tacky. It's really bothering me that I've managed to pick most of it off other than a tiny bit left on my thumb.
Alex is another thing which I'm really irritated by right now. I hate that some people can be in a relationship as deep and meaningful as ours, just for one of them to let go of the other and leave them to fall. I have just been looking through a few hundred photos of him on my laptop, most of which are times which were shared between us. I would do nearly anything to get those times back, to be truly happy again. Thinking back, I haven't been that happy in a long time </3
30thJanuary2012
There are way too many weird people out there on the internet, thinking they can get whatever they want, thinking everyone is as naive as a thirteen year old would be. I remember when I was younger, there was a guy called Dan who I dated online, he was a little bit older than me, around seventeen or eighteen while I was thirteen. It was one of those stupid immature ones, where really I didn't have too much of a clue what I was doing or what was happening. All the way through the relationship he was sending sexual text messages, and when talking to him on the phone too. It's strange really, he phoned once a day from what I remember just to make sure I was okay, with nothing wrong or bothering me. I personally think that it was his mother that told him to break up with me, as I had phoned his house phone up a few times to talk to him. I know now that he didn't care about me whatsoever, but at the time I really felt like I loved him and thought that he loved me too. Now thinking back I can't believe how ridiculous it all was! We were 'dating' for a few months I think, and truly he did make me feel quite happy at times and very much wanted. I don't feel like the whole thing with him bothers me now so much, just has made me more aware of how some guys may be on the internet towards young girls. I always make sure I am safe when it comes to talking online to people, I would never meet up with anyone if I thought I was in danger. I feel I am internet smart and internet safe, I know how to take care of myself.
Right now I would quite like a Himalayan Crocodile Newt, we have about eight at college which I have been really into for our latest exotics lessons. There is a picture somewhere on this blog of one. They truly do look so cute and so innocent, and would be quite interesting to watch or hold. I really have been getting into reptiles a lot lately as well, however I wouldn't enjoy feeding them live food!
I would just like to remind everyone that a pet is for life, treat it like it were your own child <3
Right now I would quite like a Himalayan Crocodile Newt, we have about eight at college which I have been really into for our latest exotics lessons. There is a picture somewhere on this blog of one. They truly do look so cute and so innocent, and would be quite interesting to watch or hold. I really have been getting into reptiles a lot lately as well, however I wouldn't enjoy feeding them live food!
I would just like to remind everyone that a pet is for life, treat it like it were your own child <3
29thJanuary2012
The day I first got back into contact with Chris and Alex. Not in the best way I have to admit, calling them both and on the third time leaving them a drunken answer message asking to meet up on the Wednesday and Thursday. Both of them received the message and replied to me. Talking to Alex today through only a couple of texts each, I've worked out that he's a very busy kid and per usual is putting me to the back. We will not be able to meet at all this week, but quite possibly next week. Chris on the other hand, instead of leaving it until next week asked to meet up tonight as he was in the area. We sat in his car for about an hour and a half. I honestly had no idea what it would be like, but really I don't think it went too badly. At many times it was quite awkward as we have not spoken in a month and since we made the silly mistake of having sex, of course I cried as soon as I got into the car and was hyperventilating a little. Eventually it wasn't too bad though, we shared cuddles and thoughts. I've found out that it was Leans fault that everybody from their school knows and that Alex knows about it too. I am very wary of her, and will continue to be so. She has simply let me down so many times now, and I'm quite sure she bitches behind my back about me at least once a week. Chris kept telling me how he is over me, and so we talked about my problems with Alex, which was really really nice. I do believe Chris understands a lot more than everybody else how I feel about Alex, without judging me. Nearer to the end of the night with Chris he started to get really flirty, trying to get to my boobs and on several occasions coming close to my face as if he was going to kiss me. As much as I want to think he's over me, I can't because of how he is still behaving. I really think he wants to believe it too, and thinks the more he will say it, the more he will start believing it and it will become true. Chris is seeing someone at the moment, this doesn't bother me at all, what does bother me though is how I think he will still be towards me if they get properly together. Chris and me probably won't be as close as we ever were, as in a friend way; this really bothers me. Right now I feel like I can talk to Chris about anything, I truly do love him so much. I have missed him over the month, as I have with Alex too. I can't really see things going with Alex so well, simply because anything revolving around those two, I have lately been negative about. But then again, if you think the worst then there should be no disappointment. Unhappy thoughts </3
28thJanuary2012
I feel like I should write a little message now as I have a family party tonight which I am quite likely to be drinking at, thus leaving me unable to write a sober post later. Right now I don't feel that attached to Alex, as in I'm not dying to have him back as he is very much disappointed in me for doing things with Chris and I need to continue to hold my head down in shame for quite a while. I know however that as soon as I see Alex, all my emotions will be rushing back and I won't be able to help myself just as a fat kid would be with cake which is sat in front of them. Really Alex is just somebody which I use to know, we have both changed so much in a year, I'm sure both keeping secrets from each other and we don't know how each other are feeling or our thoughts at all. It's depressing to think that people who were once so close, can turn into such distant people. I am really happy that Alex and me have stayed friends, even if it cause me more pain and us more drama. Simply I have accepted that he doesn't like me any more than a friend, but I will stay hopeful forever.
27thJanuary2012
Today I have been doing coursework on the importance and factors of imprinting and bonding in animals, it hasn't been interesting at all but I'm glad it's done now. I'm not in a positive mood, but I am in neither a negative mood. Sorry that tonight has been quite short, very effortless mood and South Park is one. All I can say right now is that I love my cat Jasper, she is so cuddly :)
26thJanuary2012
I have been thinking about the other guy a lot today, I found out yesterday his name is Iain. I actually have a few mutual friends with him as he goes to a school fairly close by to me. I would say there's a good chance I've thought about him more than Alex today, but that would be silly!
Cheating is a ridiculously stupid thing to do, I really do hate people who do it. However there may be many reasons for why people do it, so sometimes it may be understandable. I hate myself for being one of those people. Even though I haven't been with Alex for 11 months today! I feel like I cheated on him when I was with Chris because of the relationship we share. I do miss Alex very much!
Cheating is a ridiculously stupid thing to do, I really do hate people who do it. However there may be many reasons for why people do it, so sometimes it may be understandable. I hate myself for being one of those people. Even though I haven't been with Alex for 11 months today! I feel like I cheated on him when I was with Chris because of the relationship we share. I do miss Alex very much!
25thJanuary2012
It seems as if I have completely lost track of time tonight, only noticed after 12 at night what the time is! My facebook stalking skills are truly incredible! I am quite proud of myself for my excellent findings. On a minus note however, Viki has already started treating Rachel terribly in less than a week of them starting talking to each other again! I knew it wouldn't take Viki long to mistreat Rachel, but never did I think It would take this short of time. Rachel's head and heart have been played around with way to much because of her, and I don't think it's fair that she is continuing to do so. Viki has done this to two of my other friends too, which have both let her back in just for her to disappoint them again. As Viki is my friend, I do not wish for her to be hurt too much, but honestly, she really does deserve so much shit! I wish everyone could be a lot nicer to people and think about their consequences more.
24thJanuary2012
I haven't thought too much today, which is very weird for me. Instead I have been spending my time in college, but not really doing work either, which is extremely normal for me. I think I may just be too tired today to do any thinking or anything too productive.
I forget things stupidly easily, I would say more on this.. But obviously I have forgotten where this was going.
23.23 <3
I forget things stupidly easily, I would say more on this.. But obviously I have forgotten where this was going.
23.23 <3
23rdJanuary2012
Today I still am not completely well, I have the sniffles and have been feeling a little light headed at college. It hasn't been all bad though, my friend Rachel is now friends again with our friend Viki; who was a truly bad friend to Rachel and left her feeling confused, uncared for and upset. I am happy they are friends again, as it means I will be seeing more of Viki and our other friends, however I'm worried that Viki may do this again and completely break down Rachel once more. I have mentioned Viki on here before.
Seeing photos of Alex drives me crazy, so many reminders of the happy times we shared. He is honestly my first love, and as I am still in love with him, I feel like I will never get out of this feeling. I don't believe that if I still feel even a little bit towards Alex as I do now, I will never be able to love someone else. It makes me afraid that for the rest of my life, I may have to pretend my feelings are over, and that one day I did get over him. Do you ever get over your first love? Do you ever find another love? These are some of the questions I cannot answer yet, but one day I hope to know.
No one really knows what will happen in the next few minutes; in one you could be feeling like a bird high above the ground, to the next being so deep underground that it seems there's no way out. Grasp every chance you get to be happy, and don't ever take it for granted.
Seeing photos of Alex drives me crazy, so many reminders of the happy times we shared. He is honestly my first love, and as I am still in love with him, I feel like I will never get out of this feeling. I don't believe that if I still feel even a little bit towards Alex as I do now, I will never be able to love someone else. It makes me afraid that for the rest of my life, I may have to pretend my feelings are over, and that one day I did get over him. Do you ever get over your first love? Do you ever find another love? These are some of the questions I cannot answer yet, but one day I hope to know.
No one really knows what will happen in the next few minutes; in one you could be feeling like a bird high above the ground, to the next being so deep underground that it seems there's no way out. Grasp every chance you get to be happy, and don't ever take it for granted.
22ndJanuary2012
One thought that went through my mind today was that just maybe, I don't care what Alex thinks. And whatever his reaction is to my antics of the past few months, I won't be affected by them and my feelings won't be changed at all. In reality though, Alex's opinion is the only one I really care about, I'd rather share his thoughts than have my own. I am in love with Alex, not only do I want to be with him, I want to be just like him. His personality to me truly is the most beautiful I have ever seen. I am so crazy over him, I don't believe there's a chance I will ever be any different. I do wish I couldn't care, but that's just another thing I will have to accept in my life.
There was one time when I went over his and acted like I didn't care, I kept my distance away from him quite a bit and pulled away a few times; it made him more attracted to me. He tried harder that day, and I felt great! I felt like I was the one in control, that I could make any decision and he would stand by me. My problem is I cannot get back to that feeling, as soon as I see him I start to melt and take every opportunity to be as close as possible to him.
I really do think a councillor would be a good thing for me, to keep me steady as I feel head fucked oh so much! But then if I did ever go, I would feel as if I was being judged, really they wouldn't understand and instead would think I was just being a stupid bitch. There's not always a way out </3
There was one time when I went over his and acted like I didn't care, I kept my distance away from him quite a bit and pulled away a few times; it made him more attracted to me. He tried harder that day, and I felt great! I felt like I was the one in control, that I could make any decision and he would stand by me. My problem is I cannot get back to that feeling, as soon as I see him I start to melt and take every opportunity to be as close as possible to him.
I really do think a councillor would be a good thing for me, to keep me steady as I feel head fucked oh so much! But then if I did ever go, I would feel as if I was being judged, really they wouldn't understand and instead would think I was just being a stupid bitch. There's not always a way out </3
21stJanuary2012
For most of today I have been on the internet, so much time was spent on it that it has all conjoined together and seems like actually not that much time was spent on it! Other than that, mum and I visited my family just this evening. I saw my two cousins; Caitlin who may be seven and Shanice who is eighteen but in the same school year as me. After spending some time with all of the family downstairs Shanice and I went up into her room to have a private catch up as we had not seen each other since a few days after Christmas. The main topic of conversation was about the whole Chris and Alex situation. Shanice is the only other person who I know that has had a similar relationship to mine and Alex's, however theirs ended much differently and they no longer talk. Anyway, talking to her made me think a lot more as she opened me up to new aspects of it, such as that people may now know about what happened with Chris and I, and that if so he must have not been keeping his mouth shut, or telling people who he should have known he could not trust. We talked about how there may be a chance that Alex doesn't know, but I feel now that I must be open with him as it is the only right thing to do. I also had a conversation with my friend Maybury, he truly is such a caring and amazing person! This is how the conversation went if anyone needs a little info > Simply I am no way over Alex, even before we broke up there was a guy called Chris who now appears to have been trying to wiggle himself in. After Alex broke up with me, Chris was there making sure I have been okay. He has always been open with me telling me that he likes me, and slowly his feelings have been growing and we came closer as friends. [Keep in mind I got broken up with in Feb] In Oct, one night I got stupidly drunk resulting in me remembering nothing much of my night, just before I went to sleep I remembered someone's lips being pressed against mine but have no idea who it was. Obviously assuming Chris as he was there as I woke up later, however still lightly drunk. Chris came into the room and as he came closer to my face I kissed him and broke the bond of being just friends. Since then I thought I may of had something for Chris, but had many many doubts. Throughout the months we carried this on and I was so confused within my thoughts. I knew I loved Alex, but enjoyed the attention from Chris. Possibly November, I had a phone call with Alex and we talked about a girl he had kissed on one of his drunken nights out. He said something along the lines of Amy you are the only one I really want anything to happen with, and I can't see myself feeling any different for a long time. This got my thinking about the whole Chris situation and I realised I really didn't want anything to happen again. However it did on new years and we ended up sleeping together [only person other than Alex and first time]. One thing I remembering him asking is if I was Drunk, I replied yes and asked the same. He replied with not really and we carried on. Thus kind of taking advantage. This is why I needed to take a month out from them two in attempt to get my head clear.. But so far it's not working too well. Still locked in love with Alex and want nothing more than a friendship with Chris. But only yesterday was it that I found out Alex had heard what happened on that night. I think the worst thing is that he didn't hear it from me. I wasn't particularly planning on telling Alex at all. But now the conversation is gunna have to come up. I'm so afraid of how he's going to feel about being friends with me. Over the months I have just been digging myself a deeper hole =/ Nothing I can do now other than wait for the month to end and talk to the both of them with honestly. Ahh I've fucked up so hard this time =/ < After all of that Maybury understood me and comforted me with many words. He not only told me everything will be okay, he gave me advice on how to ensure everything gets better. He showed me through his own personal experiences how he has overcame such things with love and told me how he has dug deeper holes and has still managed to come out on top of them.
The truth is, I am so scared of talking about the whole situation with Alex. I would hope that after all of this time he won't let this affect our friendship completely. Really I should know what Alex's opinion would be, but I am so head fucked now and so worried that I don't even know how I should be feeling. I need to find out who blabbed to Alex and find out the whole route of who told who to allow it to get to Alex. I know for certain that this is Chris' fault, that people know about what happened, but I guess I always knew this was a risk and in ways I can only blame myself.
Here's a little bit about my friend Maybury as he has always been such a good friend to me and is very much worth mentioning! The first I remember talking to him was around winter time in 2008, we already had each others numbers by the night that his name shined through and we met through a social networking site, bebo I think. On one very bad night for me I was ready to take my life, and was trying to do so. As I was waiting for the pills I had taken to work, I decided to text a few people to see if there was anyone that would text back in the late hours of the night. Maybury was one of the people who I was texting and as he was so nice and came across so genuine I decided to tell him about what I was doing and what my reasons for choosing this decision was. He talked to me throughout that whole night until I was ready to be alone, with so much care for me even though I had only really started talking to me, he was there when no one else was. Since that night our bond has grown so strong, and even though we have not met, I know that I will always remember him and remember the thoughtfulness of that once just a stranger. I love BSMM <3
The truth is, I am so scared of talking about the whole situation with Alex. I would hope that after all of this time he won't let this affect our friendship completely. Really I should know what Alex's opinion would be, but I am so head fucked now and so worried that I don't even know how I should be feeling. I need to find out who blabbed to Alex and find out the whole route of who told who to allow it to get to Alex. I know for certain that this is Chris' fault, that people know about what happened, but I guess I always knew this was a risk and in ways I can only blame myself.
Here's a little bit about my friend Maybury as he has always been such a good friend to me and is very much worth mentioning! The first I remember talking to him was around winter time in 2008, we already had each others numbers by the night that his name shined through and we met through a social networking site, bebo I think. On one very bad night for me I was ready to take my life, and was trying to do so. As I was waiting for the pills I had taken to work, I decided to text a few people to see if there was anyone that would text back in the late hours of the night. Maybury was one of the people who I was texting and as he was so nice and came across so genuine I decided to tell him about what I was doing and what my reasons for choosing this decision was. He talked to me throughout that whole night until I was ready to be alone, with so much care for me even though I had only really started talking to me, he was there when no one else was. Since that night our bond has grown so strong, and even though we have not met, I know that I will always remember him and remember the thoughtfulness of that once just a stranger. I love BSMM <3
20thJanuary2012
Today is a sad day, for today is the day that everything ended between my best friend; Lean and her boyfriend Omur. It was him who broke the bond, on the phone her this morning. She phoned me straight after their phone call crying down the phone to me, unfortunately we couldn't get to each other meaning I could only comfort her through the phone call without any hugs. Most of the time it's Lean that breaks up with the boys and leaves them heart broken, only once can I remember her being this upset over a guy; Tayo, who she dated in around year 8 or 9. She cut herself so deeply over him and still has the scars from four years ago! I so badly hope that she hasn't hurt herself over this relationship, would mean I would have to cause a lot of pain to Omur! It's how he broke up with her that's affecting her the most, it was as if he wanted her to feel pain and wanted it to be really deep pain. He told her things such as 'he had never loved her, only said it as it is easier than saying he doesn't'. This was all brought on by his sister, who has said that Lean hasn't been treating her nicely lately, even though Lean says she has done nothing wrong, I understand that there's a good chance that she has said something back to his sisters bitchy-ness as she is not usually the person to keep her mouth shut. I do hope that Lean hasn't hurt herself and will soon be okay, I love my best friend.
In my second phone call today with Lean, I found out that Alex knows something between Chris and me happened. I feel so sick that words cannot explain. I have no idea how Alex reacted and guess I won't know until at least 12 days later than now. I think it's worse that he heard it from someone else other than me, and before I was ready to talk to him about it. I am so unhappy as I even asked Chris not to tell people about it and have no idea how it managed to get to Alex. I really need the chance to talk to him about it, explain my side of the story and show him how hard these months have been for me. I think the worst thing is that I have been disloyal to Alex, he never asked and I never said. I think I should stick to what I said and not talk to him until the 1st, hopefully this will give him a chance to think about it properly. When I finally meet up with him I will probably have to be drinking as I will not be able to cope or say anything about the whole situation, I will end up crying to Alex and I hope he's willing to give me a hug. Chris is the one person who Alex would never want me to have anything with, as it seems like Chris has wiggled himself in-between Alex and me and has always been trying to get in a relationship with me even before we were broken up.
This whole situation with Alex and Chris is very likely to send me to depression. I really do feel like there's no one who I can talk to to make anything better, or that will even understand me. All I wish for right now is that Alex will still want to be friends with me at the end of the month and ever more.
In my second phone call today with Lean, I found out that Alex knows something between Chris and me happened. I feel so sick that words cannot explain. I have no idea how Alex reacted and guess I won't know until at least 12 days later than now. I think it's worse that he heard it from someone else other than me, and before I was ready to talk to him about it. I am so unhappy as I even asked Chris not to tell people about it and have no idea how it managed to get to Alex. I really need the chance to talk to him about it, explain my side of the story and show him how hard these months have been for me. I think the worst thing is that I have been disloyal to Alex, he never asked and I never said. I think I should stick to what I said and not talk to him until the 1st, hopefully this will give him a chance to think about it properly. When I finally meet up with him I will probably have to be drinking as I will not be able to cope or say anything about the whole situation, I will end up crying to Alex and I hope he's willing to give me a hug. Chris is the one person who Alex would never want me to have anything with, as it seems like Chris has wiggled himself in-between Alex and me and has always been trying to get in a relationship with me even before we were broken up.
This whole situation with Alex and Chris is very likely to send me to depression. I really do feel like there's no one who I can talk to to make anything better, or that will even understand me. All I wish for right now is that Alex will still want to be friends with me at the end of the month and ever more.
19thJanuary2012
Today I have been quite unwell; a soar throat, headaches and light headedness. I have spent all day in bed other than about two hours on the sofa wrapped in a blanket watching rubbish on telly. Tomorrow I am meant to be going into town to get my cousin a 18th birthday present and I will be getting Noodle Nation with my mum. After that we will be going to my cousins house which is just up to road, we get on very well and I love her very much. She never seems to judge me when I talk about my life, however she does get moody very easily which means we cannot spend too much time together. I haven't seen her in quite a while, so am most definitely looking forward to seeing her tomorrow !! Depending on how unwell I am tomorrow, there's a chance that I won't be going anywhere. However Noodle Nation gives me so much motivation !! I haven't had it in over 3 / 4 weeks, very depressing stuff for me. 22.22 <3 Make a wish!
18thJanuary2012
I hate how I hardly ever look at anyone and think 'I could have a relationship with them', I always over think and end up judging people before I've even started talking to them. I guess this is because I slightly feel like I don't want relationships any more, instead would rather just wait until I find the right one. There is so much heart aches in relationships, and personally I get too attached way too easily. There's one guy who I have only just really noticed, he is small built and has natural blonde shaggy hair, however he has a slight tint of black at the front in his fringe. I guess I do have a type, even if very particular. I know barely anything about him, other that he goes to my college and studies public services. It's horrible to think that's all I will ever know about him, but that's just something I'm going to deal with my hole life with many different people. Sometimes I do wish that I had a wider range of boys that interested me, but at least this way is causing me less trouble than what it would be if I liked many guys. My mind is always on at least one guy, I'm just happy he is giving me a break from thinking about Alex.
17thJanuary2012
I often find it hard to keep up with all the lies and secrets I have between different people. I guess it's not lying if all I'm doing is keeping the truth from someone and instead turn it into a secret. There is not one person which I feel I can be completely honest with, they will always judge and not understand how I feel or why I do those things. I don't tell people things as I feel they won't accept me any more. With Chris for example, if he knew how it has been for Alex and me since we have broken up. And with Alex for example, if he knew how it has been for Chris and me for the last few months. I have been keeping so many lies, that I am so afraid of letting the truths out, no one knows the real me any more, not even myself. There is one secret I have been keeping for quite a while, it is breaking me apart as I want to be honest with Alex about it, but I know that if I ever did tell him, he would think so much less of me and we would likely end up not being friends. I try to make excuses for everything, but for this I can only blame myself. I will eventually let it out on here, possibly, but for now I am not ready.
I don't like facial hair on boys [and obviously girls too], I hate the feeling of somebody rubbing their face up against yours as you feel all the stubble scratching all of your skin. I think it can look quite unclean at times. Beards and moustaches tend to put me on edge, I feel as if the guys are trying to hide something from me or are likely to kill me. I'm sure I have no reason for feeling any of this, but it is there and that's just my opinion. Stubble can look good on some people, but this is very limited, and stubbles are as far as it should go. There is only one person I find attractive who often has stubble, my ex ex Matt; he looks rugged all over, which for a weird reason is attractive to me.
Another thing I am not keen on in boys is muscles, fair enough I do expect them to be slightly macho, but big biceps really turns me off. The only thing I am positive thinking on is a six-pack, however not after I have seen them without it and then slowly growing one after working out. Alex for instance, wasn't anything special in the muscle area, but he has now been going to the gym for about half a year, working out regularly on improving his muscles. This makes me feel over-powered by him and I really dislike it, I can no longer pin him down for even a few seconds or get him to where I want him to be as he is now much stronger. I liked having some control over Alex before, but this just upsets me. I have one friend who really is in love with his muscles, he talks about them within 5 minutes of meeting up with him every time, it does my head in and I really could not care less. The more my friend Sean talks about his muscles, the more I become disgusted and the bigger of-put I have towards them.
'Sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead', Adele can always manage to get me into a sad or feeling sorry for myself mood. The song by her called Someone Like You makes me reminisce moments spent with Alex; it is not over for me yet.
I don't like facial hair on boys [and obviously girls too], I hate the feeling of somebody rubbing their face up against yours as you feel all the stubble scratching all of your skin. I think it can look quite unclean at times. Beards and moustaches tend to put me on edge, I feel as if the guys are trying to hide something from me or are likely to kill me. I'm sure I have no reason for feeling any of this, but it is there and that's just my opinion. Stubble can look good on some people, but this is very limited, and stubbles are as far as it should go. There is only one person I find attractive who often has stubble, my ex ex Matt; he looks rugged all over, which for a weird reason is attractive to me.
Another thing I am not keen on in boys is muscles, fair enough I do expect them to be slightly macho, but big biceps really turns me off. The only thing I am positive thinking on is a six-pack, however not after I have seen them without it and then slowly growing one after working out. Alex for instance, wasn't anything special in the muscle area, but he has now been going to the gym for about half a year, working out regularly on improving his muscles. This makes me feel over-powered by him and I really dislike it, I can no longer pin him down for even a few seconds or get him to where I want him to be as he is now much stronger. I liked having some control over Alex before, but this just upsets me. I have one friend who really is in love with his muscles, he talks about them within 5 minutes of meeting up with him every time, it does my head in and I really could not care less. The more my friend Sean talks about his muscles, the more I become disgusted and the bigger of-put I have towards them.
'Sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead', Adele can always manage to get me into a sad or feeling sorry for myself mood. The song by her called Someone Like You makes me reminisce moments spent with Alex; it is not over for me yet.
16thJanuary2012
Last night I laid in my bed continuously rolling over and continuously thinking about everything that is going on in my life at the moment, mainly Chris and Alex. I was thinking how both of them may not want to speak to me ever again after this month, cutting off our friendship. I am so so scared of being forgotten about, I think this would be more likely to happen for Alex rather than Chris. There's even a chance that one of them has found a girl, more likely Alex again. I wouldn't be too bothered if Chris got a girlfriend, I would probably quite like it as long as I knew it wouldn't destroy our friendship and she would treat him properly. Alex however, I would be so distraught if he found a girl. Especially after he has only just told me in the last month that he doesn't see himself wanting to be like how we were with any other girl, only eyes for me. Something like that could really play on a girls heart, but I've heard things like that from him enough to know that he only thinks that himself, but really she will come along eventually. I really miss my baby, I miss calling him 'My Little Wittle Alexx Wallex'. I can tell tonight will be another long one, even though I am very knackered. Believe in yourself, there will become a day when no-one else will.
15thJanuary2012
Last night I had a dream about both Chris and Alex, both dreams were relating to the day next month when I will first be seeing them this year. I think both will be happy to see me, but Chris more so than Alex. Chris does seem to care more, but Alex does things more right. At the moment I really miss Chris, but as it gets later I will start to miss Alex more as I miss cuddling him in bed every night before I go to sleep.
Today I have been doing coursework, it's hopefully finished now but I need to add the finishing touches such as pictures and organising it all. I still have two more pieces of work in for tomorrow, can see tomorrow is going to be hectic at college!
Today I have been doing coursework, it's hopefully finished now but I need to add the finishing touches such as pictures and organising it all. I still have two more pieces of work in for tomorrow, can see tomorrow is going to be hectic at college!
14thJanuary2012
I think it would be pretty cool to have dinosaurs still around, but kept on separate islands to people of course; I only say this because Jurassic Park was on earlier today. But then again if they were, humans would have soon poached them to extinction anyway. I guess now would be a good time to have a rant on all the terrible things humans do to animals in this world. Lately I have had to research into Chinese medicine quite a bit, it truly is disgusting and ridiculous what some of their beliefs are; they use animal parts to make themselves 'stronger' in different ways or cure themselves of diseases, even though research has been done which proves plants can give them the same benefits. Bear bile farms are truly tremendous; Bears are crushed and kept in tiny cages for the whole of their lives, a painful surgery operation is done so that their bile can be extracted easily. One charity which has really helped make a difference to stop Bear farming is Animal Asia, so far they have closed down 43 farms and saved a total of 361 bears! You can find their campaigns here. It's people like this which restore my faith in humanity. I think people in other countries are not educated enough to know that what they are doing is fucking retarded; thinking monkey heads will help with headaches and such. I really do wish so much pain and torture to anyone who mistreats animals to an unacceptable manner. I also think it's ridiculous that Chinese people can only have one child, they should be able to give birth to more than one and then they can eat all the children instead of eating dogs and other animals. Really this is a smart idea and I see nothing wrong with it. Animal abuse gets me so angry! Treat animals as you would a person, most animals are less selfish than people and I would much rather see thousands of people die than one animal.
13thJanuary2012
As I have fallen in love with my nans gift, I attempted to find ones like it on the internet. I have had no luck, but instead have found something else plant like which is modern and sleek. It's a pot which doubles as a plant vase and a fish tank! You can find it here. This inspires me to design my own ideas, they would all be wacky, cool and useful. Sadly though, I would have no idea how to make my designs or get them publicly known, leading anything I made to be a massive fail. I would love to design jewellery and clothes along with cool gadgets or just nice things to go around the house.I quite like septum piercings, I wouldn't mind getting one myself when I'm older, but so many people dislike them and none of my friends would like me to have it. That goes the same with my lip piercing however. This summer I will be getting the other side of my lip done, hopefully. It took me many years to know that I definitely wanted a lip piercing, and it looks great! I would have got it done before this summer but I was with Alex before when I had the chance to and he has always said that he would rather me without it. I finally got it done in the summer and told minimum people that I was getting it done, and didn't let anyone know I had it done until they saw me. If people knew I was getting it done, they would have managed to talk me out of it, especially Alex. It was four days later after I got it done that it was shown to Alex and Chris, they were both shocked and couldn't believe I didn't tell them. I remember how it went with Alex so well; as I was talking to him on the phone I asked if it could just be us two who meet up first so I could show him by himself. I was standing waiting for him nervously chewing my Gherkin and covering my lip piercing, as he arrived he was with our friend Matt. I said hello to both of them, still covering it up and after less than a minute Matt left to go somewhere he needed to be then would meet us back there. I was so worried about showing Alex and so scared about what his reaction would be. We talked for a while until Matt got back. As Matt got back I felt like a hug so gave him one, I took my hand away from my face and turned the other way round so Alex wouldn't see, however obviously not well enough because he saw. He made a shocked noise by breathing in deeply and quickly, then said 'I saw it'. Matt must have seen it before as he said 'omg have you only just seen it'. Alex and me hugged then we talked a bit about it after. It wasn't long after until Chris saw it too, he was so gutted that I hadn't told him and got it done even though he didn't want me to have it. Simply I believe people should do what they want to do and not think about what other people will think, as long as it's not hurting them. Be free to be yourself :)
12thJanuary2012
It has been quite a stressful day which was full of headaches, purely because of the amount of work that needs to be completed by Monday for college. I've finally had my UCAS application sent off now, which is a lot off my chest and leaves no more panic for a while until I get my replies from the university's. I haven't been having any troubles or thinking about anything else much today, so that was nice being able to think about just one thing, shame that one thing was work though. For my main piece of coursework this term, I have chosen to base it on animals being involved in the black market trade. This meant that I had to research animals that had been mistreated, some of the pictures truly were disgusting. My opinions on people who mistreat animals on purpose are very strong, I will talk about my work properly tomorrow possibly, as I can easily have a massive rant on how badly people treat animals. My question today is; why should animals be treated any less than humans ?
11thJanuary2012
'My great start to the year', not so great start to the year I should have written. I know I have brought most of this sadness and doubt on myself, and only have myself to blame. I'm watching a programme at the moment about teen mums, it's reminding me about my pregnancy scares.. Only scares because I was uneducated and thought I would get pregnant any time I had unprotected sex. When I lost my virginity it was unprotected, the next day I was in such a worry and so was Alex. We both thought the chances that I would be pregnant was around 75%, which is pretty stupid but we slowly forgot about that. We've had so much unprotected sex, it's unbelievable that I have never been pregnant; Alex and me are very grateful that I haven't been. I have only talked to Alex about it once very briefly, but I really feel like I may have troubles of getting pregnant when I am older. After my mum had me she tried for years to have another child, and even had IVF 'treatment' around four times I think, all failed. The doctors haven't found any reason to why my parents can't have any more children together. I really think I want to find out whether I can have children now, rather than wait until I am trying for children and find out that I cannot have any. It really would upset me if I couldn't have children, I dream of having a middle to large size family.
Today I have been missing Chris quite a bit, I blame this on the amount of time we usually see each other. I miss Alex less, simply to the fact that we don't see each other too often however I do miss being on the phone to him every night and knowing that he is okay. It has only been 1/3 of the time which I won't be talking to either of them for but I do miss them both dearly. I prefer meeting with Chris outside somewhere in a public place such as town because we both act more like friends and not too close. I am in a missing mood at the moment and feel like the night laying in bed trying to get to sleep will be a long one. Positive thoughts will help us through <3
Today I have been missing Chris quite a bit, I blame this on the amount of time we usually see each other. I miss Alex less, simply to the fact that we don't see each other too often however I do miss being on the phone to him every night and knowing that he is okay. It has only been 1/3 of the time which I won't be talking to either of them for but I do miss them both dearly. I prefer meeting with Chris outside somewhere in a public place such as town because we both act more like friends and not too close. I am in a missing mood at the moment and feel like the night laying in bed trying to get to sleep will be a long one. Positive thoughts will help us through <3
10thJanuary2012
I'm feeling in a better mood today !! I think this is to do with the fact that no one bothered me in the morning and I have been keeping my mind active on things other than Alex and Chris for most of the day. It makes such a change, feeling satisfied today, from feeling suicidal yesterday. I was suppose to get my uni choices sorted for tomorrow, but I guess that'll have to wait yet another day as I've been distracted and tired tonight. My phone was sent away yesterday, as I couldn't even get it to light up without using the keypad. This meant the hours of recordings from when Alex and me have been on the phone together have been lost, I only wanted to listen to them over once again then would have deleted them forever. I got really upset over this last night, but I've been through losing things on my phone and laptop so many times that I should be use to it by now. As I was walking home from the bus stop earlier I thought I may have seen Chris driving in his car, the person inside looked at me back as I stared for a little recognition. I'm more than certain that it was not him however, there is no chance he could have carried on driving and not come to see how I was, even if I did say I wanted no contact with him. I hate how I expect people to know what I want without telling them, Alex for example, I always wished he would come over and surprise me. I know that's a very silly thing to do but that's me all over. There's nothing much else to say about my day other than I nearly fell over and all of my class was directly behind me, I would have been laughing so hard if I saw someone fall so I expect no different from others. Another thing worth mentioning is that I am using one of my mums old phones, as I was looking through the photos I found one of me with an ex which treated me badly; it amused me and I couldn't help but laugh at it. The pain that I went through because of him is near enough nothing compared to what I'm going through in my life now because of my most recent ex. My old ex Ryan, didn't really care about me at all and controlled me into thinking in his way of life. He blackmailed me to stay with him and made my life hell at times. I am very happy that he is in the past but do not regret anything that happened; if these moments were taken away I would not be the person I am today :)
9thJanuary2012
I woke up for college today at 6.20, I then got into the shower and 15 minutes later dad was hitting the door telling me to hurry up in a slightly aggressive voice telling me I have taken ages, instead of arguing I decided to ignore him instead. When I got out of the shower a very few minutes after I went straight into my room, he was standing on the opposite end of the upstairs corridor and shouted abuse at me as soon as I got out, so I told him to shut the fuck up and that I don't care as I went into my room and closed the door. He very soon got more aggressive and more abusive, I hit the door telling him to shut up again and then he punched to door on the other side. He then opened the door and slammed it with me behind it, pushing me into the wall and forced me to become trapped. My toe was under the door and from the amount of force he was giving has left it to now be swollen; It doesn't hurt when I walk but does when I attempt to move it. After he let go because of my screaming and crying, my mum heard what was happening and came upstairs to shout at him. He was shouting how she always sticks up for me [which isn't true], but in the end he is twice the size of both of us and always takes everything too far and ends up really hurting us. He was shouting at me saying how I should move out and stop being a spongy cunt, he said I do nothing with my life and I should go get a job. Other things he said included that he doesn't like me and doesn't care about me. He apologised a while after, but I can tell he means most of those things and he truly doesn't care. I was so upset this morning, everything was getting to me about the whole Alex and Chris situation and so I cracked, I felt alone. This morning I cut myself, not too deep, but deep enough for it to be there for a good few months to a year I would say. This morning reminded me of a time before, it was a very dark time in my life where I was seriously depressed and was about to take my life. I wrote a little something for my friends / family which I wanted them to know; my dads letter was all about how he mistreated me and told me he doesn't want me there and now his wishes are all coming true. The letter to him was the only one which said anything like that, all those times I cut myself over him, so many memories rushing back to me bring me to tears.
As my phone is broken I'd rather set it onto aeroplane mode so I cannot receive any texts which I wouldn't be able to reply to. Mum needed the phone earlier as she was talking to Sony Ericsson about it, when she turned it back on she went onto the normal mode, thus giving me texts. There was one from Alex.. It said something along the lines of 'I'm not expecting a reply, but I would quite like Stigg and Steffy back please'. Stigg and Steffy are his teddys; I bought Stigg for him on his 16th birthday which was less than three months after we got together, and Steffy is the bear he has had his whole life. It upsets me that he text me this and hasn't bothered to say that he wishes me well or anything, but I did expect this text. I think I'm going to keep them both for the rest of the month as they comfort me at night and when I am down. I am planning to see Alex and Chris at the start of the next month, depending on how that day is, I will decide if I ever want to see them again after or live my life separately.
I have spent so much of today upset, so many tears have been shed because of Alex. Knowing that the one person you have ever loved and cared for the most is gone and there's nothing you can do about it is with no doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I believe there is no way to help after this has happened as I've tried to move on so many times now. Sometimes I wonder if he realises how much I am still in love with him, and then I realise that if he did there would be nothing he could do about it anyway. He cannot force himself to start liking me just as much as I can't stop myself from loving him. In the end you should always accept people as they are, or move on and find someone who is more like the person you want them to be. No one is perfect, until you wish them to be no other way <3
As my phone is broken I'd rather set it onto aeroplane mode so I cannot receive any texts which I wouldn't be able to reply to. Mum needed the phone earlier as she was talking to Sony Ericsson about it, when she turned it back on she went onto the normal mode, thus giving me texts. There was one from Alex.. It said something along the lines of 'I'm not expecting a reply, but I would quite like Stigg and Steffy back please'. Stigg and Steffy are his teddys; I bought Stigg for him on his 16th birthday which was less than three months after we got together, and Steffy is the bear he has had his whole life. It upsets me that he text me this and hasn't bothered to say that he wishes me well or anything, but I did expect this text. I think I'm going to keep them both for the rest of the month as they comfort me at night and when I am down. I am planning to see Alex and Chris at the start of the next month, depending on how that day is, I will decide if I ever want to see them again after or live my life separately.
I have spent so much of today upset, so many tears have been shed because of Alex. Knowing that the one person you have ever loved and cared for the most is gone and there's nothing you can do about it is with no doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I believe there is no way to help after this has happened as I've tried to move on so many times now. Sometimes I wonder if he realises how much I am still in love with him, and then I realise that if he did there would be nothing he could do about it anyway. He cannot force himself to start liking me just as much as I can't stop myself from loving him. In the end you should always accept people as they are, or move on and find someone who is more like the person you want them to be. No one is perfect, until you wish them to be no other way <3
8thJanuary2012
I think it's a bit ridiculous really, how long it's taking me to get over such a stupid boy. I think his reasons were ridiculous too. And I think everything to with our break up is completely crazy. I'm sure we could have tried to work it out, but instead he just gave up. I think he was scared of being in a relationship that deep, and before he knew it, it had already happened and I was in love with him and willing to devote everything to him. Alex has been a good friend I guess since the break up as he was always here for me. At the start of our single lives I kept coming onto him and he would ask if I really wanted to, of course I wanted to, I wanted him to want it too. I don't understand why Alex doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, maybe it's because I was too much into him compared to how much he was into me, maybe it was the commitment part, maybe it was how much he thought we needed to see each other and talk to each other. He told me when he broke up with me that he sees me as more of a friend than anything else, I really truly was devastated. I've never had a relationship like that, not where over 10 months on, I still am not over them at all. I do believe my love for Alex will go on endlessly. The mood that I'm in right now means that any happy memory that was shared between Alex and me, I get upset thinking about it afterwards. Just to do with the fact that I miss when we were happy, when nothing was wrong.
The last time I saw the both of them, was right after we had sex. With Alex it felt so right and so natural, afterwards I was feeling happier than ever and feeling so close to him. With Chris it felt so wrong and so un-natural, afterwards I was feeling unhappy and wanted to distance myself from him. I remember Chris saying to me 'Amy, are you drunk', I replied yes and asked him the same, he said not really. Chris was out for himself at that moment, and I don't think he cared at all what I was thinking or how I felt at all. He knows how I feel about Alex, but not about anything we have continued to do with each other. Alex knows nothing about me and Chris, and I'm not sure if he's suspicious at all. I think even if Alex did think something was going on with Chris and me, he would be too scared to ask. I have always felt so happy knowing I lost my virginity to Alex, and felt so proud of myself that I could stay true to him and myself. Being able to say I had only had sex with one person who I loved gave me so much respect for myself and I always use to tell myself I would only have sex with someone if I loved them. I do love Chris, but not in the right way to open myself up to him in that way. I hate how people are with sex, taking anything they can get and spending it in one night never to see the other person again. I'm not a Christian, and do not think there is any need for anyone to save themselves for marriage.. But I do think there is a need to wait for the right person, ensuring they both want it and love the other person limitlessly. I definitely made a mistake in having sex with Chris and I hope nothing ever happens like this again. I could happily never have sex again if I don't find the right person. Don't let yourself get pressured into anything, stay strong in your own thoughts.
The last time I saw the both of them, was right after we had sex. With Alex it felt so right and so natural, afterwards I was feeling happier than ever and feeling so close to him. With Chris it felt so wrong and so un-natural, afterwards I was feeling unhappy and wanted to distance myself from him. I remember Chris saying to me 'Amy, are you drunk', I replied yes and asked him the same, he said not really. Chris was out for himself at that moment, and I don't think he cared at all what I was thinking or how I felt at all. He knows how I feel about Alex, but not about anything we have continued to do with each other. Alex knows nothing about me and Chris, and I'm not sure if he's suspicious at all. I think even if Alex did think something was going on with Chris and me, he would be too scared to ask. I have always felt so happy knowing I lost my virginity to Alex, and felt so proud of myself that I could stay true to him and myself. Being able to say I had only had sex with one person who I loved gave me so much respect for myself and I always use to tell myself I would only have sex with someone if I loved them. I do love Chris, but not in the right way to open myself up to him in that way. I hate how people are with sex, taking anything they can get and spending it in one night never to see the other person again. I'm not a Christian, and do not think there is any need for anyone to save themselves for marriage.. But I do think there is a need to wait for the right person, ensuring they both want it and love the other person limitlessly. I definitely made a mistake in having sex with Chris and I hope nothing ever happens like this again. I could happily never have sex again if I don't find the right person. Don't let yourself get pressured into anything, stay strong in your own thoughts.
7thJanuary2012
It has been an uneventful today, all I have done is watch skins and buzz around on myyearbook.com. I have been talking to a few lovely people.. Mostly guys. There's this really nice guy called Adam.. We've been on webcam together and it's really nice because I never really use to go on webcam to anyone other than Alex and Chris in the past year. I feel really relaxed right now. I have eaten way too much today, wouldn't be shocked if I've eaten double the guided amount of everything. Today I have been in a slightly better mood but now I am very tired. Webster is asleep on me now and he is very cute.. I can't wait to get into bed with Hippo, Alexandra, Stigg and Steffy.. I love all my babys including Jasper, Rou & the fish too <3
6thJanuary2012
Has been a very productive day.. But not interesting at all =/ Woke up at 10, showered, watched last nights BB, walked Webster, cleaned the fish tank, cleaned Rous cage, cleaned room, ate a weeks worth of food in a few hours, watched BB, watched Jedward planning a wedding, watched BB bit on the side. I don't have much to say today, and especially now as I'm tired. Dean & Karl have been on my mind a little less today and I'm much more relaxed about how they are, I'm sure they are in safe harms and are in no way at all in danger. There have been no updates about what happened in the court this morning, but I am certain he will be put away for many deserved years. I've been thinking about Alex & Chris a little today, but haven't really been upset about any of it as haven't been thinking too deeply about any of it. As I said earlier, I don't have much to say today. I apologise for the shitty-ness of this blog, I'm sure tomorrows will be better.
5thJanuary2012
I have carried my sadness from yesterday over to today, along with the same reason affecting me. Today I have been at college purely to do coursework; staring at a computer screen for 6 hours does me no good. It was a slightly depressing day as I watched the sun pass from one side of the window to the other while I was stuck inside doing work. Karl and Dean have been on my mind a lot today. Two new reports have been put on the Bucks free press website, it says that their mum was strangled to death. It happened in the very late hours of Tuesday, probably meaning the twins were at home and knew what was going on. It makes me feel so sick knowing anyone could do that to another person, especially when they have been a couple for many years and have children together. I was talking to a close friend about it today, my friend Lean who also knows the two of them but not so well as me. While I was telling her what had happened I felt my eyes swell up, my stomach in pain and my hands shaking. After that I was finding it difficult to focus on any work so instead I sat there for near an hour and thought about it over and over again. After a while I was focused on my work again and made good progress. My phone has now broken again after being replaced 3 times already in just over a year and 3 months. Hopefully this means I can get a new phone model as obviously this one has issues with it and is oh so slightly crap. The phone thing has really gotten to me, simply haven't been in that good of a mood for the past few days and nothing that good seems to be coming up. We can all be hopeful for a little bit of change and some happiness (:
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9453844.Man_charged_with_murdering_wife/
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9455377.Murder_suspect_appears_before_court/
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9453844.Man_charged_with_murdering_wife/
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9455377.Murder_suspect_appears_before_court/
4thJanuary2012
Today I heard some really bad news about a couple of friends of mine. The two boys are twins called Karl and Dean, only in year 10. They both went to my secondary school when I was there and they live quite near to me so it isn't uncommon to bump into them every few weeks. They are both really sweet and kind hearted, but often can be quite naughty, which is expected simply because of the people who they hang around with and the area where they live. Anyway, their mother recent cheated on the father and they were about to go through a divorce. I am unaware of what happened at all but last night he beat her some how, she was taken to hospital and this morning she lay dead in the hospital bed. I can't bear to think how my twins are feeling right now, neither of their parents beside them, having to be away from home and their friends unable to go see them. I think right now they are at their aunts which is really close to where they live. So close to Christmas and to have this right at the start of the year, any time would be painful but I am happy they have each other. It's unlikely to hear anything like this, but when you know the people who it has affected, it really gets to you. While I was at school with them they use to call me mummy and still do, I have always been trying to looking out for them and make sure they're doing the right things. It's horrible to think any person needs to go through any death, let alone someone who is as close to you as they were with their mother and how the death happened. The thing I'm worrying about most right now is how they are, what they're thinking, what is going to happen with them and what they're going to do. Fourteen years old and feeling so alone, all I hope is that they stay by each others side and always have each other. I really do wish them the best, I love you Dean and Karl <3 <3
Below are two reports on the story.
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9449984.Man_arrested_over_attempted_murder_in_High_Wycombe/
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9451510.Murder_probe_launched_after_woman_dies/
Below are two reports on the story.
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9449984.Man_arrested_over_attempted_murder_in_High_Wycombe/
http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/9451510.Murder_probe_launched_after_woman_dies/
3rdJanuary2012
My first day back at college wasn't too bad at all, it allowed me to see some of my friends which I have not spent enough time with for far too long. It was particularly nice seeing my friend Rachel who I spend all my classes with, we had a good catch up on everything which has happened since the last time we spoke. It amazes me how an old friend of hers and a not so close friend of mine any more can still mess around with her head, making her feel bad for things which are in no way at all her fault months after. This other girl Viki does this on purpose, she has already messed with many of my friends feelings, I really wish I had the confidence to tell her straight how I feel, but I'm scared of losing her as a friend. Rachel and me talked about the whole Alex and Chris situation, as I'm always making very silly mistakes she wasn't too shocked, just laughed along with me over it. Since Alex broke up with me we have always been close, he still tells me things which keep me holding on. I'm starting to feel like he knows that it's making me have a tight grip with us still, since Rachel and my talk earlier today. She said things such as he is leading me on and not treating me fairly, but I have been doing the same to Chris. I don't think anyone understands how it is for Alex and me, not even ourselves. Really I do not think there is any more time for 'what ifs', many things happen for a reason and eventually everyone needs to accept this. We can all change and learn for the better, being positive is what keeps me going <3
2ndJanuary2012
All I would like right now is to know I can wake up without thinking about Alex first thing in the morning. I wish that I could get past the whole day without thinking about him even once. But that will not happen, not for a very long time. Today has been a good day for me; I woke up at 10 as this year I am trying to wake up at a decent time, watched the last few episodes of skins series 3, showered and sorted my face out. Just as I was about to walk my lovely border collie Webster, my friend Laura from down the road came over. We went for a walk around the Green and was back within an hour, we talked about what has happened since we last saw each other [just before Christmas]. She spent new years eve with another friend, I think there's a good possibility that if she came to mine instead, nothing would have happened between Chris and me. I don't have any hard feelings towards her at all for her not being over mine, just would have rather she was. I do love Laura so very much, she truly feels like a little sister to me. I'm back to college tomorrow after the holiday break, I am dreading the early morning but feel I may cope better as am going trying to get to sleep for before 12. I tend to lay awake in bed for an hour most nights, continuously thinking about everything which is going on in my life, and of course weird crap too. College should be okay tomorrow, as long as I get focused on my work and I am not reminded about Chris or Alex too much. I feel this month will go too slowly and will be very difficult. I'm rambling on a little tonight, I don't have too many thoughts right now, still am confused with what I'm going to do with my life to set it back on track and get to where I want to be. Today my love is going towards Laura <3
1stJanuary2012
My first blog of the year :) Today hasn't been one of my easiest, because of a very stupid thing that I allowed to happen last night. 'New year, new start'.. What happens when you already cock it up in the first few hours ?! I've decided to make this month a 'forgetting' month, by disregarding two people which have a very big impact on my life; closing down my Facebook and using my phone much less is the aim. I am very close to these two people and have been for quite a while. Firstly Alex, we dated from the 5th of September 2009 until the 26th of February 2011 which is when he ended it; I am still not over this relationship. Secondly Chris, a friend which has liked me since Christmas 2010 and has not given up since. Neither of the two like each other that much because they know I hold back too many secrets between the two. Today was the day that I finally reached out and cut the contact between the two boys and myself. I have always been too afraid to tell either of them that I need a little space from them, in fear that they would not be there when I was ready to come back. Truly I am still scared of that, but I have realised that I must push myself if I wish to improve myself. I don't think the love that Chris has for me will get any smaller over this next month, and when I am ready to contact him, he will be right there for me like a dog would be to their owner after they have came home from work for the day. I'm in hope that Chris will be less forceful towards me though, not trying to come onto me all the time and not telling me how I feel. Alex on the other hand, I feel the start of next month won't go so well. So many negative thoughts are going through my head such as he will find another girl, he will rapidly forget about me, I will not be able to make a month without talking to him and much more negativity. The truth is I don't really want to be over Alex at the end of the month, but instead am in hope that he realises how much he misses me in his life and we cannot keep on being the way that we are; pretty much in a relationship but hiding it from everyone else and not seeing each other as much as we would do. No matter how much I would love for that to happen, I know that it will not and any chance of Alex and me ever being together is completely gone. I can see myself becoming really lonely for this month, but hopefully I can focus on becoming healthier, putting more effort into college and building my other friendships. Today, I am unhappy and unsure of what will come of this month.
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