29thFebruary2012

It's the leap year day! It sounds to me like this should be an 4 year thing where every time on this day everyone should do ridiculous things which can be forgotten about an never mentioned again, but luckily for me it's a day worth remembering. As planned Alex came over mine after school today, which was very enjoyable but of course we had some bad parts per usual, but that is quite expectable. I woke up because of my alarm at 13.13, however missed this time so didn't get to make a wish, which I think may well have saved the day. I went to sleep and didn't expect to sleep in to that late at all, however I had a good sleep. I spent two and a bit hours getting ready for Alex, including shower, make up, hair, clothes and finish of making my room look nice. I made my way towards the bus stop with Webster at 3.40pm for Alex to arrive at 4.05, even though it only takes 15 minutes to walk; I was already ready and didn't want to pace around the house for a while until I could eagerly wait for him. I ended up sitting on a wall where my feet couldn't quite reach the ground for ten minutes with Webster, even though I was walking at a very slow pace. I saw his bus pulling up and Webster noticed him getting off the bus, it's safe to say we were both rather excited to see him! We shared a lovely hug and then made our way to Tesco as I need some bonjela for a terrible ulcer I have, and I was still in hope that he would buy me a packet of cigarettes. As I walked to where one of I would stay with Webster, Alex kindly offered to get the bonjela for me but slightly refused to get the cigarettes for me as he has never been happy with me smoking, and didn't particularly want to stay with Webster either as he would obviously be barking his head off until I was back and he was on his walk. When Alex finally came back he had actually bought the packet of cigarettes for me and got the right kind of bonjela that I had asked for, which I did not expect. I was very thankful towards Alex and told him this. We then walked back towards home however stopped off in the park for a little while and then again on the stairs of the flats close to me so that I could have a cigarette. Alex asked me if he could have some of one, because he had bought them for me with my money, I wasn't okay with this at all however after a while close to the end of the cigarette I offered him what was left, only for him to say he is only joking. That slightly upsets me now thinking back to it, as it shows how easy I give in to things, especially whenever it is something to do with him! After sitting there for a while enjoying snuggles and both being a little deep in thought we made our way back to the house for another three minutes. Dad was across the road talking to the neighbour and said that he's about to go visit my uncle, which meant he would be out for a good 30 minutes to an hour, also meaning that Alex and I had the house alone. After sorting out Webster we went upstairs into my room, which is where we spend most of the time at my house. Per usual I stripped him of his coat, blazer and tie, which I love doing as soon as we get into my room, sadly however this time his shirt stayed on. He stood perched against the windowsill with my body pressed towards his, it was very lovely I must admit! We then made our way into bed and put St Trinnians the film on, after that we ordered our Jimmies Pizza and then put Spy Kids 3 on until he left at 9pm, however was 15 minutes late as I was taking my time purposely. While laying in bed we kissed quite a bit, but not obsessively. My hands also made my way around his body, all apart from his private parts as he was in a off mood with me doing that [as I found out later]. After kissing him from his face down to just above his trouser line, and all the way back up again he asked me why I did not try to go lower, as he knows me very well and that's what I would usually do, he also asked me this in a questioning way rather than one which hints onto him wanting me to do it or me feeling pressured to do it. I had no real reason, other than he didn't seem too much like he would want me to, even though I'm sure he would have very much enjoyed it. A little later on while in bed I tried to get my hand down his trousers, however he was very persistent at keeping me away, and said something along the lines of that he didn't want it to happen tonight and sounding like it could well be because of new years with Chris. I asked him why not several times, and instead of giving me an answer at all he kept kissing me on the cheek, this upset me very much and sent me into quite an upset mood. After a while he noticed something was wrong and kept asking me what was up for a couple of hours, however I did not say anything about it until our walk home. We both agreed that I would only walk him to the bus stop, which is 15 minutes away and left him with another 30 minute walk home, however while on our journey to there I told him I had no intention of stopping there as things were not okay between us. He tried to stop me walking, and pulled me close to him as he sat down on the brick wall that I was earlier sitting on, I told him to start walking three times however he chose to ignore that, so I started walking instead with a big hope that he would follow closely behind, which of course he would and did. The walk was another 20 minutes longer, there was a lot of silence but I managed to get out of him that it was because of Chris and new years that he did not want anything to happen tonight, which I very much respected however wished that he would just tell me earlier. He caught onto the fact that things had happened before that night too, which I had to admit but keeping the details to the very minimum. Alex was quite frustrated, and asking things but then saying that he doesn't want to know the answer. Near the end he told me he was neither angry or upset with me at that very moment, but of course wishes things never happened between Chris and I and that in general he is angry and upset at all of that. I struggled so much to let go of Stigg and Steffy, and was holding them tightly throughout the whole of our walk. It was also hard to let go of Alex, as I never know when the next time I will see him will be. I have a feeling he won't speak to me on Facebook chat or anywhere else for a few days, to let things cool down but won't leave it longer than three days to start a conversation. Another thing that Alex said was that Chris was one of the main reasons for him breaking up with me, which he had never ever said before. He has changed his reasons so much, but really I know it's so hard to give one final reason. I know it's a completely terrible thing to say, but I think I would take back meeting Chris if it meant I was still with Alex, I miss him so fucking much and knowing this really does pain me so much! I can see a lot of tears being brought on by this :'(