Friday - This was actually a good day for me, just wish I could say the same about the night. I had planned with my friend the day before to meet up with her around 2ish, when mother could take me up to hers. I didn't do much before going to hers, just lazing around the house getting ready. My friend Danielle's mother is a child minder, thus having lots of children at her house as I was over. There was a little girl around 8 years old there, she remembered me from several other times I had been over there; she said to me 'Amy, do you still lick?'. This made me laugh a lot as I use to lick people a lot, but have now gotten over that but it was a nice reminder. Danielle and I after a while went upstairs where the children were not allowed, we talked a little, looked through her art books as I was in her art class at secondary school and looked through photos on her camera of when she was on holiday with her family. It was around 6 O'clock that her family was having dinner, so I thought it would be best to head off. I phoned Lean who lives close if I could come over and chill for a while, as she was at home she said I was very welcome to. It took me around 10 minutes to walk to hers, her father let me in and I went up into her room to see her. As we have been friends for very many years now, her parents are always friendly to me and know me well. We have been in the same school as each other since we were 4 years old, other than last year where she went to a different college. I spent 2 and a half hours at Lean's, we talked about a lot of things and looked on the internet. As she had been broken up with we talked about how she's coping, all the guys she's been seeing in the mean time and just everything else. She saw one of her ex's the day before, which was a good friend of mine and is a good friend of Alex's. His name is Jonny and those two were dating for eight months while Alex and I were in a relationship. As we were talking about Jonny, this got me onto the conversation about how I was going to go to a concert with him, Alex and another friend called Matt, however I am no longer as things have been tough with Alex recently. I mentioned to Lean that I saw in Alex's Facebook inbox with Matt that Matt had asked what happened between Jonny and I, as we're not exactly friends any more. As I left Lean everything was fine, mother gave me a lift home, as Lean wouldn't ever bother to make sure I got safe home even though she can drive now. Just two hours later in the night, I received a text from Alex saying 'Have you been reading my conversations? X'. My reply was something along the lines of that I haven't even been on his account this year, I didn't even click that it would have anything to do with what I said to Lean earlier on. I asked why he was asking and he mentioned Lean saying something to Jonny, who he was actually with at the time. Somehow we got into a big argument over this, possibly because he was drunk otherwise I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even bothered to say anything to me. Another thing he said to me was 'And if you really think I didn't give a shit, you're an idiot', I thought he was talking about me looking through his conversations which before he had said he didn't care about, but actually he was talking about caring about me. I assume I said something to Lean about how I feel he didn't care about me, but I can't exactly remember what and I see no reason for her to have told Jonny about that anyway! I was feeling so upset that night, as again Lean has proven that I can't trust her and I keep falling it and because Alex and I had gotten into a big argument over nothing, and from one of his texts seemed like he no longer was going to care. After a long while I managed to calm myself down and get myself to sleep as I had a long day the next day.
Saturday - I had to be up and ready in the morning to get my eyebrows done at 12.30, however managed to stay in bed until 11am, after getting them threaded, I sat around at home waiting for my driving lesson which was at 4 - 6. In my driving lesson I practiced turning again and started on roundabouts, which I have done before as I have to go around to get home. Sadly there were less animals on my two hour journey, but a lot more driving which was fun. Right from the start of the day I could tell it wasn't going to be a good one, I was in a terrible and upset mood, feeling depressed and just sick of life. In the night I was planning to go up to my uncles house for his birthday, and then go with my cousin Shanice to one of her friends parties which I know and get on with. I wasn't too much in a party mood, so I decided that I would not stay the night and instead get picked up when my parents were leaving my uncles. I didn't dress up too much to go over to my uncles and to the party, but I looked decent enough in just skinny jeans, a vest and a nice cardigan. I wanted £5 to give the girl whose party it was as it was for her birthday, I asked mother as we got into the car for it and dad got really horrible to me per usual saying that I never give money back and being really abusive to me. As I was already in such an upset mood that day, he really was not helping! I told him to shut up several times, but of course he didn't, I then said if you say one more thing I'm going to hit you, he of course carried on so I hit him. He got out of the car and was trying to pull me out of the car while hitting me, while I was slapping him back and trying to get him away. He hit me hard across the face and I got out and walked back home, along with mother who was really cross with him. I can honestly say that I fucking hate him, he always abuses me and makes me feel shit about myself. When I got into the house I went straight up to my room, so angry and so upset with my eyes streaming with tears. I attempted to phone Alex several times, but he wouldn't pick up. Straight away I thought it was because he was really angry with me from the night before, I felt as if he didn't care to sort things out right then and wanted to leave it for a while until he spoke to me again. After around thirty minutes of crying in my room trying to get hold of Alex, I put on some warmer clothes and grabbed some things to go out in and walk to his house. While walking down the road I phoned Chris as I knew he was just coming out of work and for a few moments I thought it would be best to be with someone as I had suicidal thoughts the night before and again then. He said that he would come pick me up, but then I changed my mind and said I would be okay, after disagreeing with me for a while he finally gave in. I continued my walk to Alex, not really understanding what I was doing, it all felt a little strange. It takes 40 minutes to walk to his house, every now and then I would phone to try to get hold of him, but still he would not pick up. Texting him wasn't working either, even when I said that if he doesn't pick up I would come to his house. After that text I sat down on a bench which is 10 minutes away from his house, I sat there for 10 minutes and phoned him twice, still there was no reply. I called Lean in the meantime, to see if she knew if Alex was at home, she said that she thought he was as he was out the night before. My journey ended as I got to his house at 9.30pm, his mother answered the door [whom I love] and let me in. She called for Alex who I think was playing xbox or watching telly, he didn't look excited to see me at all and it was a really strange feeling. He leaned against the side of the wall and said 'Yes', as in what do I want, I then asked him if we could talk and he said that we could. We then hugged and then I followed him up the stairs, he said sorry if you've texted or called, my phones upstairs. After two whole time he hadn't even known how much I wanted to see him, which is so silly as I thought he didn't want to speak to me at all. Per usual, as soon as I got into his room I jumped straight into bed, soon followed by Alex. We laid there hugging very closely for a good 5 to 10 minutes, as he was shivering and I tried to warm him up. While there we talked about last night a little, and he realised that I had not lied to him at all and the argument was a complete mistake. We laid beside each other, gazing into the others eyes and just enjoying each others company after so long being deprived from it. Alex and I have always been so close, and always willing to be as open and act however we want around the other. As I laid with my back against his bed, he laid on top of me with our faces closely touching and rubbing against each other. He leaned in to kiss me, and as went a little closer he wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing for both of us and said 'but you don't want to', I replied with something like of course I want to, otherwise I wouldn't be coming to you. We shared a little romantic snog which truly was so amazing and we both loved. He asked me again if I minded that, and I told him that I loved it so. He kissed me again, really taking my breath away with how amazing it was, I love those kisses which he seems so sure of and mean so much! We both calmed down after a while and laid beside each other again, we mentioned slightly about new years with Chris, the night before Alex broke up with me and several other things, all of which we are going to talk about in detail but did not have enough time to do so last night. Just before I was leaving, Alex caressed my breasts with his hands and his mouth, which I was not forcing him to do at all but was very willing to let him do. Afterwards I told him it wasn't fair that he got to touch and kiss a part of me, he was very reluctant at first to allow me to go down his trousers, but I have enough persuasion and then went down on him. I don't feel disgusted with saying this at all, but I really have missed sucking him off, I really do love his penis! It's most definitely more to the fact that it is him rather than because it is something of the opposite sex. I can't see myself ever wanting to do that to another guy, other than Alex. I'm very sure that was the best I have gave him, as he couldn't stand for a while after and that's the first time it's ever happened, It meant that I got to lay down with him for another 5 - 10 minutes, which I loved. My favourite part of the night though, was hearing him say 'in the words of someone famous who has recently died, And I [singing those two words in his voice that I love], will always love you Amy'. It was seriously so romantic and thinking about it now just makes me want to squeeze tightly to him and never let go! I most definitely think that we would be good together again, but I do not know his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with me. We practically are already in a relationship, however do not call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I think I will have to bring up the conversation sometime, I'm not hopeful at all that he would do anything about it though. He knows too that we would be good together, I just don't understand why he won't make that final step again, it really gets me down sometimes, but I'm happy with what I've got really.
Today in comparison is nothing much, I have just been chilling at home, not doing too much and enjoying my last day off from college. Sad times that I have an early cold morning tomorrow, wish me luck!
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