My last night was spent at Chris', it went better than I expected as he was planning to get all his stress out by having sex with me. He got to my house at 10, before I had packed anything so I spent the next 50 minutes doing that and avoiding being close to him while in my room. I had already drank one can of Strongbow and was onto my second when he arrived, making me in a more cheerful mood than I would usually be in as I knew the nights plans would be terribly wrong. I told him that I would need cigarettes for the night, and I now have them, and now that I do, I will probably continue to smoke them until the whole 20 are gone. The night was quite slow, and neither of us were too pushy about getting the job over and done with straight away. There was quite a bit of kissing and a little bit of dry sex happening before any of our clothes were off. I mentioned a few of times to him about me having to drink quite a bit more to be able to have sex with him, and on the last time of telling him he said that we shouldn't really be doing it if I need alcohol to manage. Eventually he got over this and was into the idea of us having sex again, it got to the point of him being completely undressed, my top half undressed and him with a condom on to realise that this is actually not what I want. He was then backing out of it after wasting one of my 'delay' condoms, which I assure you from last time we had sex and any time I have jacked him off, he needs! At the time I felt terrible and it really knocked my self confidence down as I felt really worthless, and still do. I hate myself for even letting it get that far, let alone further. I got into bed, clothless and feeling sorry for myself. He then got into the bed next to me and apologised, told me he feels bad for letting this much happen and would feel even worse if he had let more happen. The main thing he mentioned for not letting anything more happen was the girl he was seeing a short while ago, Corrina. From last night I now know that he does genuinely have feelings towards her, and does rate her higher than me. He started shaking while telling me about all of his problems and how he always makes the wrong decisions and messes everything up. I was trying to help him though his problems as much as I could, even though I was annoyed with him. A little while later he took my hand and lowered it onto his penis, I already felt quite low and disgraceful by then so that I decided to give him a hand job until he came all over his blanket. He asked me if I would like to use my mouth while it was happening, and per usual I said no as I feel like you should completely trust the other person before you go this far and I would rather have sex with someone than stick their penis in my mouth. After a few minutes of awkward silence I put on some clothes to get me decent and went outside for a cigarette, Chris told me to be quick otherwise he'll worry about me and to lock the door back up afterwards. I was right outside of his drive for just over ten minutes, then went back inside as it was very cold at two in the morning. When I came back inside I locked the door up and put some of my stuff back into the front room where we were sleeping, Chris was already asleep, which annoyed me. I picked up all of my teddies and travelled into his room to sleep in his bed instead, as I wasn't too up for sleeping next to him any more. As I got inside I realised there was no blanket [other than the one he came over], and that his room was really messy which irritated the hell out of me. I was feeling quite restless and had quite a lot on my mind so decided to use the time productively and clean his room. Just under three hours later I had cleaned up a heap of paperwork from the floor, sorted out the tops of two desks, alphabetical listed around 50 dvds and xbox games, sorted out an overflowing draw to make it look presentable and chucked away lots of rubbish which he didn't need. After that I was most definitely feeling better about myself, and thought it was time to go back to sleep in the other room. When walking back into the front room I must have woken him as he asked me if I had locked the front door, thus meaning he obviously thought I had just came in from having a cigarette and completely unaware that three hours had gone past. While trying to get comfy on what I was sleeping on, I cuddled up to Chris in hope that he would cuddle me back as I was feeling lonely, but there was no reaction whatsoever from him at all. Soon after I rolled back over and fell asleep.
This morning wasn't awkward at all, unlike how it would have been if we did end up having sex. I got out of my bed around 11 and got ready to be taken home as he was in the shower. He noticed that I had cleaned his room and didn't take it badly at all. Since I have been at home I've showered, walked Webster with my friend Sean and just relaxed around home. I am feeling much better than I thought I would be right now, however I still feel used and know that I cannot trust Chris to think about my feelings any more.
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