12thFebruary2012

I'm ill, the main thing to say right now, and I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself. I'm being hopeful that I'm at my worst stage right now and will be getting better tomorrow, but sadly probably not.
I stayed up quite late on Skype last night, till 5 in the morning actually, which is reason why I'm up so late again tonight. This left me to wake up at two in the afternoon, even though I had to be somewhere which closed at 4, thus having about an hour to get ready, which I amazingly succeeded with! At 3 I was ready to go to the garden centre to buy a fish nursery and some food. As Alex also works there I texted him somewhere in the hour asking him if he was in and would like a visit, after a bit of a conversation we got to the answer of yes, he even said I could come over his later in the day but I refused as I'm feeling unwell. I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to reject an offer of meeting up with him, the reason I said no is because I'm ill and I'd much rather have the conversation at my house and get to spend the whole day with him, instead of a very late afternoon for a short time. As I was walking into where he was I didn't feel worried at all, I think I've got to the point where I don't care that much any more. Obviously I care about his opinion so much though, when I know we're about to have the whole conversation I'm sure I will definitely be going crazy with worry! It was nice seeing him though, we just talked about usual things like how our week has been and any plans we have. We shared hugs too; the first time my arm was stuck in between our bodies so I wan't satisfied and asked for another, the second was so much better as it gave me a feeling that everything would be okay between us, as I had been thinking before that he may not even want to be friends with me any more. He gave me a really tight cuddle for quite a bit, it kind of felt like he didn't want to let go and I very much didn't want him to either. The first hug we ever had together was also tight, I loved it oh so much and it left me feeling so amazing afterwards. Eventually just under 10 minutes I had to sadly leave him to get to work and so mother and I could leave to go home.
Last night Chris was talking to me about staying over his tonight, I said possibly but not definitely as I'm ill. How he was talking sounded like he just wanted to get some action, as he has a free house for the week and is no longer seeing the girl he was last week. Instead of going over to his house and staying the night I decided it would be best if he just came over to mine for a few hours, which he did from around near 8 until 11. All I can say with honesty is that I have most definitely missed him! However he did get flirty very soon after and kept trying things with me, again I want to believe he is over me as he says he is, but the way he acts just tells me the complete opposite. He kept asking why I wouldn't do anything with him, and mentioning that the only reason before that I didn't want anything to happen is because I knew he liked me, but there's no problem now as there's no emotional attachment. I am very emotionally attached to Chris, but I guess he doesn't see things like I do. Earlier today we were just laying in bed, he had his arm rested around my body with my head on his shoulders and my arm around his body too, I seriously enjoyed this so much and have missed feeling closeness with people. I enjoy being close with people, but without the sexual part, I really do think sex and everything else isn't particularly needed. Throughout the whole time of being here he didn't realise that nothing was going to happen between us, and continued to try for the night. As I have been self-harming recently I asked Chris to buy me a pack of cigarettes, however he refused even when I told him about me cutting.
All in all I have had a good day, I feel okay but think things may get worse again if Chris carries on acting the way he is and if when Alex and I have the talk that it turns all bad and ends up with us not being okay with each other. Better luck next time Amy!