28thFebruary2012
Nothing much happened today at college, just the usual getting a little irritated at people, being bored, listening to my ipod and sharing laughs with friends. There's really good news about my college which I have known for a little while, but have not mentioned on here yet.. We'll be getting lemurs and meerkats sometime this year! Since college I have been eating rubbish nearly non stop, however don't think I've eaten too much. Alex finally gave me a decent answer to meeting up tomorrow, which was thankfully a yes! I was even more so happy that he said yes simply because I had cleaned my room for a good few hours, making the effort for him. We've decided that we'll be getting Jimmies pizza tomorrow and it sounds like Alex will be walking home, however I will most definitely try my hardest to make him let me walk him a least a little bit. I am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, hopefully it will be like how things use to be; completely happy and feeling like we're loved up. Alex makes me truly happy, if only he could feel the same way towards me :)
29thFebruary2012
It's the leap year day! It sounds to me like this should be an 4 year thing where every time on this day everyone should do ridiculous things which can be forgotten about an never mentioned again, but luckily for me it's a day worth remembering. As planned Alex came over mine after school today, which was very enjoyable but of course we had some bad parts per usual, but that is quite expectable. I woke up because of my alarm at 13.13, however missed this time so didn't get to make a wish, which I think may well have saved the day. I went to sleep and didn't expect to sleep in to that late at all, however I had a good sleep. I spent two and a bit hours getting ready for Alex, including shower, make up, hair, clothes and finish of making my room look nice. I made my way towards the bus stop with Webster at 3.40pm for Alex to arrive at 4.05, even though it only takes 15 minutes to walk; I was already ready and didn't want to pace around the house for a while until I could eagerly wait for him. I ended up sitting on a wall where my feet couldn't quite reach the ground for ten minutes with Webster, even though I was walking at a very slow pace. I saw his bus pulling up and Webster noticed him getting off the bus, it's safe to say we were both rather excited to see him! We shared a lovely hug and then made our way to Tesco as I need some bonjela for a terrible ulcer I have, and I was still in hope that he would buy me a packet of cigarettes. As I walked to where one of I would stay with Webster, Alex kindly offered to get the bonjela for me but slightly refused to get the cigarettes for me as he has never been happy with me smoking, and didn't particularly want to stay with Webster either as he would obviously be barking his head off until I was back and he was on his walk. When Alex finally came back he had actually bought the packet of cigarettes for me and got the right kind of bonjela that I had asked for, which I did not expect. I was very thankful towards Alex and told him this. We then walked back towards home however stopped off in the park for a little while and then again on the stairs of the flats close to me so that I could have a cigarette. Alex asked me if he could have some of one, because he had bought them for me with my money, I wasn't okay with this at all however after a while close to the end of the cigarette I offered him what was left, only for him to say he is only joking. That slightly upsets me now thinking back to it, as it shows how easy I give in to things, especially whenever it is something to do with him! After sitting there for a while enjoying snuggles and both being a little deep in thought we made our way back to the house for another three minutes. Dad was across the road talking to the neighbour and said that he's about to go visit my uncle, which meant he would be out for a good 30 minutes to an hour, also meaning that Alex and I had the house alone. After sorting out Webster we went upstairs into my room, which is where we spend most of the time at my house. Per usual I stripped him of his coat, blazer and tie, which I love doing as soon as we get into my room, sadly however this time his shirt stayed on. He stood perched against the windowsill with my body pressed towards his, it was very lovely I must admit! We then made our way into bed and put St Trinnians the film on, after that we ordered our Jimmies Pizza and then put Spy Kids 3 on until he left at 9pm, however was 15 minutes late as I was taking my time purposely. While laying in bed we kissed quite a bit, but not obsessively. My hands also made my way around his body, all apart from his private parts as he was in a off mood with me doing that [as I found out later]. After kissing him from his face down to just above his trouser line, and all the way back up again he asked me why I did not try to go lower, as he knows me very well and that's what I would usually do, he also asked me this in a questioning way rather than one which hints onto him wanting me to do it or me feeling pressured to do it. I had no real reason, other than he didn't seem too much like he would want me to, even though I'm sure he would have very much enjoyed it. A little later on while in bed I tried to get my hand down his trousers, however he was very persistent at keeping me away, and said something along the lines of that he didn't want it to happen tonight and sounding like it could well be because of new years with Chris. I asked him why not several times, and instead of giving me an answer at all he kept kissing me on the cheek, this upset me very much and sent me into quite an upset mood. After a while he noticed something was wrong and kept asking me what was up for a couple of hours, however I did not say anything about it until our walk home. We both agreed that I would only walk him to the bus stop, which is 15 minutes away and left him with another 30 minute walk home, however while on our journey to there I told him I had no intention of stopping there as things were not okay between us. He tried to stop me walking, and pulled me close to him as he sat down on the brick wall that I was earlier sitting on, I told him to start walking three times however he chose to ignore that, so I started walking instead with a big hope that he would follow closely behind, which of course he would and did. The walk was another 20 minutes longer, there was a lot of silence but I managed to get out of him that it was because of Chris and new years that he did not want anything to happen tonight, which I very much respected however wished that he would just tell me earlier. He caught onto the fact that things had happened before that night too, which I had to admit but keeping the details to the very minimum. Alex was quite frustrated, and asking things but then saying that he doesn't want to know the answer. Near the end he told me he was neither angry or upset with me at that very moment, but of course wishes things never happened between Chris and I and that in general he is angry and upset at all of that. I struggled so much to let go of Stigg and Steffy, and was holding them tightly throughout the whole of our walk. It was also hard to let go of Alex, as I never know when the next time I will see him will be. I have a feeling he won't speak to me on Facebook chat or anywhere else for a few days, to let things cool down but won't leave it longer than three days to start a conversation. Another thing that Alex said was that Chris was one of the main reasons for him breaking up with me, which he had never ever said before. He has changed his reasons so much, but really I know it's so hard to give one final reason. I know it's a completely terrible thing to say, but I think I would take back meeting Chris if it meant I was still with Alex, I miss him so fucking much and knowing this really does pain me so much! I can see a lot of tears being brought on by this :'(
27thFebruary2012
Another day spent at college; it required an early morning for the bus which left at 8.10 and I managed to be on time for it. For all of the day I had my ipod on playing on shuffle through The Wombats playlist I have of 69 songs, one of my favourites at the moment would have to be Postman Pat; it is sang by just Tord with Dan on the keyboard, and completely in the Norwegian language. Tord is definitely my favourite at the moment, he's quite innocent looking. At college today we messed around with some microscopes, zooming in on pieces of our hair, which was quite amusing for me as I am so easily amused. Overall I have had a good day at college, it was nice seeing people per usual and there was nothing bad to it that I can think of other than the morning, tiredness and any work that I had to do. Since I have been at home I haven't been up to much; just online, listening to music, socialising with people and watching skins. I wouldn't say I have enjoyed my day, but it most definitely wasn't a bad one.
Alex seems to be making an effort to talk to me once a day for the last few days, it's quite strange really. He tells me he enjoys talking to me, and at times I believe him, however often I don't think he does. My thoughts are simply because whenever I think about what Alex's opinion on me is, it's a negative one as I like him way more than he likes me. I would love to talk to him more, but I always feel like I may annoy him if I start talking to him, and at least if it's him who starts talking to me, I know that he actually wants to talk to me. He still hasn't mentioned Wednesday or given me a final answer, I really wish he would hurry up. Knowing Alex he will probably leave it until Wednesday morning, which I precisely asked him not to do, and if not he will bring it up on Tuesday night if at all. This is one thing with Alex that really irritates me, I have gotten my hopes up so high with him coming over on Wednesday, if he gives me no as an answer, I really will be devastated and wont want to talk to him for a while, even though I know I would because I can't stay that too far away from him.
A lot has changed in a year, however my feelings for Alex have not changed in the slightest; I am still completely in love with him and would do nearly anything for him or to be with him. I'm just grateful we can still be such close friends <3
Alex seems to be making an effort to talk to me once a day for the last few days, it's quite strange really. He tells me he enjoys talking to me, and at times I believe him, however often I don't think he does. My thoughts are simply because whenever I think about what Alex's opinion on me is, it's a negative one as I like him way more than he likes me. I would love to talk to him more, but I always feel like I may annoy him if I start talking to him, and at least if it's him who starts talking to me, I know that he actually wants to talk to me. He still hasn't mentioned Wednesday or given me a final answer, I really wish he would hurry up. Knowing Alex he will probably leave it until Wednesday morning, which I precisely asked him not to do, and if not he will bring it up on Tuesday night if at all. This is one thing with Alex that really irritates me, I have gotten my hopes up so high with him coming over on Wednesday, if he gives me no as an answer, I really will be devastated and wont want to talk to him for a while, even though I know I would because I can't stay that too far away from him.
A lot has changed in a year, however my feelings for Alex have not changed in the slightest; I am still completely in love with him and would do nearly anything for him or to be with him. I'm just grateful we can still be such close friends <3
26thFebruary2012
I'm extremely surprised that I have managed to write on my blog once a day for the whole of this year so far, usually I forget about things after a week and I did not expect this to last for a month let alone this long or even longer. Even though some times it can be a big pain to have to write every day, it thoroughly helps me to relax and I usually feel much better after writing things down and getting them out.
I stayed up talking to Alex last night until 3, which is much better than 5 as the day before. It was again on Facebook chat, and just casual talking rather than anything serious. It was 3.33am last when I checked my phone before I fell asleep, which I purposely saw and made a wish over. I have always wished over times like this, which was mostly done with Alex. I had a couple of dreams, one where I was best friends with a girl who is dating someone I know and another dream about Alex, however I cannot remember that right now. I will need to start writing down my dreams as soon as I wake up, I very much enjoy remembering my dreams and sharing them. I love how creative and random dreams can be, and how happy things can seem just for a nights sleep. I woke up at 1, lazed about in my bed few hours, showered up and then had roast dinner at 4 today. At 5pm I was ready to go visit my friend and then got to their house at 5.30 who lives close by. The walk there was quite peaceful and I listened to my ipod. It was my friend Rhys who I went to see, along with Evie; both whom I love. As I got there they were both in the car, Rhys was a little irritated with Evie with getting his bottom wet from spanking him with a wet towel they had been cleaning the car with, even though he got her top soaked. Rhys can irritate me at times, but I see through that as he can be a very nice person. We soon after went inside the house, Rhys played on his xbox for about an hour while Evie was on the laptop and I was in control of music on the ipad. I took the opportunity to Facebook stalk a certian person on Rhys' Facebook account as he has the person on his friends list. A guy who I really like the look of, and mentioned under a month ago is going to the event on the 23rd of March which I will also be going to. I feel like this is a very good opportunity to start talking to him and get to know him hopefully. After that hour we decided to watch the film called Just Friends, I enjoyed the film, it was funny however it is not one of the best I have seen ever. After the film finished at around 9.20pm, I left and made my way home. A little while after being inside, Chris phoned me as I had tried to call him on my walk home. We got to the conversation of him coming over, and then he did. I went outside to his parked car right outside of my house, I was there for around 30 minutes and we talked about random things. I really enjoyed spending some time with Chris, however he was being slightly grumpy and stressed out. I definitely need to spend more friend time with Chris, I don't want him slipping away.
I don't know if Alex will come on Wednesday, I really do want him to and do have some hope, but I do not want to get my hopes up as I have been let down by him far too much at a late time. I asked him last Tuesday at 1am if he would like to come over mine on this Wednesday, to watch a film or whatever else. I told him I missed spending Wednesdays and Friday nights with him as we use to spend nearly every one with each other, I seriously enjoyed them and loved spending the time with him. It was a year today that he broke up with me, around 9.30pm it happened. I miss those times spent with him </3
I stayed up talking to Alex last night until 3, which is much better than 5 as the day before. It was again on Facebook chat, and just casual talking rather than anything serious. It was 3.33am last when I checked my phone before I fell asleep, which I purposely saw and made a wish over. I have always wished over times like this, which was mostly done with Alex. I had a couple of dreams, one where I was best friends with a girl who is dating someone I know and another dream about Alex, however I cannot remember that right now. I will need to start writing down my dreams as soon as I wake up, I very much enjoy remembering my dreams and sharing them. I love how creative and random dreams can be, and how happy things can seem just for a nights sleep. I woke up at 1, lazed about in my bed few hours, showered up and then had roast dinner at 4 today. At 5pm I was ready to go visit my friend and then got to their house at 5.30 who lives close by. The walk there was quite peaceful and I listened to my ipod. It was my friend Rhys who I went to see, along with Evie; both whom I love. As I got there they were both in the car, Rhys was a little irritated with Evie with getting his bottom wet from spanking him with a wet towel they had been cleaning the car with, even though he got her top soaked. Rhys can irritate me at times, but I see through that as he can be a very nice person. We soon after went inside the house, Rhys played on his xbox for about an hour while Evie was on the laptop and I was in control of music on the ipad. I took the opportunity to Facebook stalk a certian person on Rhys' Facebook account as he has the person on his friends list. A guy who I really like the look of, and mentioned under a month ago is going to the event on the 23rd of March which I will also be going to. I feel like this is a very good opportunity to start talking to him and get to know him hopefully. After that hour we decided to watch the film called Just Friends, I enjoyed the film, it was funny however it is not one of the best I have seen ever. After the film finished at around 9.20pm, I left and made my way home. A little while after being inside, Chris phoned me as I had tried to call him on my walk home. We got to the conversation of him coming over, and then he did. I went outside to his parked car right outside of my house, I was there for around 30 minutes and we talked about random things. I really enjoyed spending some time with Chris, however he was being slightly grumpy and stressed out. I definitely need to spend more friend time with Chris, I don't want him slipping away.
I don't know if Alex will come on Wednesday, I really do want him to and do have some hope, but I do not want to get my hopes up as I have been let down by him far too much at a late time. I asked him last Tuesday at 1am if he would like to come over mine on this Wednesday, to watch a film or whatever else. I told him I missed spending Wednesdays and Friday nights with him as we use to spend nearly every one with each other, I seriously enjoyed them and loved spending the time with him. It was a year today that he broke up with me, around 9.30pm it happened. I miss those times spent with him </3
25thFebruary2012
I stayed up until 5 in the morning last night, having a good long talk with Alex. It wasn't about anything in particular, and it was nothing special, other than the fact that the conversation was with him. As I stayed up so late it meant that I slept in until 2 in the afternoon, which was very nice and I didn't seem to have any weird dreams, just something about Alex instead. Today I managed to get out of bed to shower, then made my way downstairs to have dinner and then watched a film in the front room with parents called The Lost Boys: The Tribe. Of course today I've been on the internet, per usual for most of the day. I've also watched the film Babe and The Notebook, both which very nearly set me into floods of tears. And right now, I am listening to The Wombats. My days and life is completely repetitive, I wonder if it will ever change or go anywhere.
24thFebruary2012
I feel like it's too late now to talk about my Tuesday and Wednesday, so I will say possibly tomorrow once again. I have a driving lesson today, from 2 - 4; I practiced left / right turns and emerges along with some more roundabouts and started on hill starts. I've found hill starts really difficult, and can see this part taking quite a while for me to get use to. I went to sleep at around 4 O'clock last night, along with Jasper and Webster who was in bed with me. It was extremely nice sharing me bed with those two and cuddling up with Stigg, Steffy, Alexandra and Hippo too. Everyone was there who I wanted to be, other than Alex. I have been talking to him quite a lot today, on Facebook chat for the past 5 hours. I have very much enjoyed talking to Alex, but it upsets me slightly that it's not the same as it use to be, I don't want to talk to him like I do anyone else. I really do hope that I can see him on Wednesday, really fucking miss spending time with him! I'm not ready to let go just yet <3
23rdFebruary2012
Once again I have been terrible with leaving my blog to the last few minutes of me being awake. Today I got woken up at 12.30 by mum, who'd rather wake me up by telling me than waking me up with the hoovering. I chilled in bed for a while, online and listening to The Wombats. I went outside for the last cigarette that I could have before the pack is gone, however now I'm wishing I saved it for the night time. I didn't have one right before I went to sleep last night either, and ended up having extremely weird dreams! In one dream I had sex with a lion which could talk and told me I shouldn't worry about what other people think about what is happening. In another, Dan from The Wombats was into me and I wasn't sure if I should go for it too, saying that he had a girlfriend but everyone told me they were breaking up so I changed my mind and went to go get protection but when I came back he changed his mind. In another dream I was hiding tobacco from my mum as it was all in my bag. I'm pretty sure I had other strange dreams too, however cannot remember them. Lean came over tonight, I was a little reluctant at first but it slowly got better as we played Mario Kart, I guess I enjoyed her company. Lean can be really fun to spend time with, however she is way to untrustworthy for me to be able to say anything to her now.
I don't think highly of drugs at all, they completely disgust me and I have such a dislike for most people that even do it a little. Lean was saying how Alex was smoking weed socially, but I did not want her to catch onto the fact that I don't know he's been doing it recently. She said it as if he's been doing it quite a lot, and not telling me about it. I don't expect him to bring it up at all, but instead I will next time I'm with him. He knows my opinion on drugs, and I know what his opinion on smoking was. When he broke up with me, one of the hundreds of reasons for breaking up with me was that I started smoking once again. I'm going to be so mad at him, even though I have no right to be. If I find out he has been doing it quite a bit, I will look down at him so much. Right now I'm really feeling to hurt him! I care about him doing it so much. I feel like if he does it, then I will eventually be more relaxed about it and possibly even try it myself. Me being me will probably then try other drugs and get myself heavily addicted. I really fucking hate Alex for smoking weed and not being honest with me. Drugs are fucking shit.
22ndFebruary2012
Tonight was fucking amazing! There are pictures to follow however right now I'm going to bed as tonight was very tiring with all the dancing and raving. I love The Wombats <3
21stFebruary2012
I really need to stop leaving my blogs until the last thing I do before I go to bed! There is way too much lack of effort tonight, my apologies! Seeing The Wombats tomorrow!!! Very excited Amy :)
20thFebruary2012
My first day back at college! The morning was obviously always going to be painful, as it was and I didn't enjoy one bit. I had breakfast this morning, which I would not usually have before college, however I thought it would be best to as I have been eating non-stop for two weeks and I won't be having food until I'm back at home which would be around 5 O'clock. For breakfast I had a slice of cheese on toast, however there was something wrong with the cheese and it didn't melt too well so was overall a bit of a disappointment. I got out of bed in the morning at 6.40am with my wonderful cat Jasper, we had extremely nice cuddles today and yesterday in bed! I was ready for college in time and made my way to the bus stop, I was waiting there for around 15 minutes along with Rachel and another friend called Danni; whose bottle leaked in her bag and was highly amusing for all of us. As I got onto the coach I was expecting there to be around half the seats free, however they were very limited and left two people to to sit on the floor at the next and last stop after mine. This was because our coach was mixed with another as theirs had broken down, so hopefully it will not be this way tomorrow. First of all we had to make our way to the back lawn to get our timetables and then head onto our class, which obviously for me had to be the other side of the college. First of all I had two hours of animal welfare and breed development, this went well and it seems as I will enjoy it a lot, especially as the teacher is not a bore at all and in fact my favourite tutor. Afterwards I had two hours free which I spent with Rachel and Bethan, on the computers talking to each other through Facebook. We then made our way to Biochemistry and Microbiology, where I got to spend an hour with my friends Lauren and Zoe who I have not been in a class with for the past year, far too long in my opinion and I have missed having lessons with them dearly. The hour after that was the practical side of the lesson, where we were split into two classes and I was no longer with them, however still have Rachel and Bethan. The hour later was the second free period of the day, where Rachel and me spent a little bit of time starting on a presentation which we would rather not do with Bethan, as she always puts in a lot less effort than Rachel and I, which annoys us very much and happens far too often. My friend Rhys offered to give me a lift home as he tends to when he sees me and lives very close by, on the way home in the car we went to pick up our friend Evie, who he sees a lot of! We then went to Rhys house and chilled there for a while, however I got very bored as Evie had to do university course work and Rhys was playing on the rubbish xbox. I took me around 15 - 20 minutes to walk home, where I had a little talk on the phone with Chris while on my journey. For dinner I had vegetarian chilli con carne, which was very nice and very filling. After that I have just been around my room, having snuggles with Jasper, listening to The Wombats and just surfing the internet. I watched Skins tonight too, I am thoroughly starting to enjoy it again, and this this series has been very underrated. My final words of today are 'why can't you come home with me tonight' <3
Biochemistry Microbiology and
Biochemistry Microbiology and
19thFebruary2012
Friday - This was actually a good day for me, just wish I could say the same about the night. I had planned with my friend the day before to meet up with her around 2ish, when mother could take me up to hers. I didn't do much before going to hers, just lazing around the house getting ready. My friend Danielle's mother is a child minder, thus having lots of children at her house as I was over. There was a little girl around 8 years old there, she remembered me from several other times I had been over there; she said to me 'Amy, do you still lick?'. This made me laugh a lot as I use to lick people a lot, but have now gotten over that but it was a nice reminder. Danielle and I after a while went upstairs where the children were not allowed, we talked a little, looked through her art books as I was in her art class at secondary school and looked through photos on her camera of when she was on holiday with her family. It was around 6 O'clock that her family was having dinner, so I thought it would be best to head off. I phoned Lean who lives close if I could come over and chill for a while, as she was at home she said I was very welcome to. It took me around 10 minutes to walk to hers, her father let me in and I went up into her room to see her. As we have been friends for very many years now, her parents are always friendly to me and know me well. We have been in the same school as each other since we were 4 years old, other than last year where she went to a different college. I spent 2 and a half hours at Lean's, we talked about a lot of things and looked on the internet. As she had been broken up with we talked about how she's coping, all the guys she's been seeing in the mean time and just everything else. She saw one of her ex's the day before, which was a good friend of mine and is a good friend of Alex's. His name is Jonny and those two were dating for eight months while Alex and I were in a relationship. As we were talking about Jonny, this got me onto the conversation about how I was going to go to a concert with him, Alex and another friend called Matt, however I am no longer as things have been tough with Alex recently. I mentioned to Lean that I saw in Alex's Facebook inbox with Matt that Matt had asked what happened between Jonny and I, as we're not exactly friends any more. As I left Lean everything was fine, mother gave me a lift home, as Lean wouldn't ever bother to make sure I got safe home even though she can drive now. Just two hours later in the night, I received a text from Alex saying 'Have you been reading my conversations? X'. My reply was something along the lines of that I haven't even been on his account this year, I didn't even click that it would have anything to do with what I said to Lean earlier on. I asked why he was asking and he mentioned Lean saying something to Jonny, who he was actually with at the time. Somehow we got into a big argument over this, possibly because he was drunk otherwise I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even bothered to say anything to me. Another thing he said to me was 'And if you really think I didn't give a shit, you're an idiot', I thought he was talking about me looking through his conversations which before he had said he didn't care about, but actually he was talking about caring about me. I assume I said something to Lean about how I feel he didn't care about me, but I can't exactly remember what and I see no reason for her to have told Jonny about that anyway! I was feeling so upset that night, as again Lean has proven that I can't trust her and I keep falling it and because Alex and I had gotten into a big argument over nothing, and from one of his texts seemed like he no longer was going to care. After a long while I managed to calm myself down and get myself to sleep as I had a long day the next day.
Saturday - I had to be up and ready in the morning to get my eyebrows done at 12.30, however managed to stay in bed until 11am, after getting them threaded, I sat around at home waiting for my driving lesson which was at 4 - 6. In my driving lesson I practiced turning again and started on roundabouts, which I have done before as I have to go around to get home. Sadly there were less animals on my two hour journey, but a lot more driving which was fun. Right from the start of the day I could tell it wasn't going to be a good one, I was in a terrible and upset mood, feeling depressed and just sick of life. In the night I was planning to go up to my uncles house for his birthday, and then go with my cousin Shanice to one of her friends parties which I know and get on with. I wasn't too much in a party mood, so I decided that I would not stay the night and instead get picked up when my parents were leaving my uncles. I didn't dress up too much to go over to my uncles and to the party, but I looked decent enough in just skinny jeans, a vest and a nice cardigan. I wanted £5 to give the girl whose party it was as it was for her birthday, I asked mother as we got into the car for it and dad got really horrible to me per usual saying that I never give money back and being really abusive to me. As I was already in such an upset mood that day, he really was not helping! I told him to shut up several times, but of course he didn't, I then said if you say one more thing I'm going to hit you, he of course carried on so I hit him. He got out of the car and was trying to pull me out of the car while hitting me, while I was slapping him back and trying to get him away. He hit me hard across the face and I got out and walked back home, along with mother who was really cross with him. I can honestly say that I fucking hate him, he always abuses me and makes me feel shit about myself. When I got into the house I went straight up to my room, so angry and so upset with my eyes streaming with tears. I attempted to phone Alex several times, but he wouldn't pick up. Straight away I thought it was because he was really angry with me from the night before, I felt as if he didn't care to sort things out right then and wanted to leave it for a while until he spoke to me again. After around thirty minutes of crying in my room trying to get hold of Alex, I put on some warmer clothes and grabbed some things to go out in and walk to his house. While walking down the road I phoned Chris as I knew he was just coming out of work and for a few moments I thought it would be best to be with someone as I had suicidal thoughts the night before and again then. He said that he would come pick me up, but then I changed my mind and said I would be okay, after disagreeing with me for a while he finally gave in. I continued my walk to Alex, not really understanding what I was doing, it all felt a little strange. It takes 40 minutes to walk to his house, every now and then I would phone to try to get hold of him, but still he would not pick up. Texting him wasn't working either, even when I said that if he doesn't pick up I would come to his house. After that text I sat down on a bench which is 10 minutes away from his house, I sat there for 10 minutes and phoned him twice, still there was no reply. I called Lean in the meantime, to see if she knew if Alex was at home, she said that she thought he was as he was out the night before. My journey ended as I got to his house at 9.30pm, his mother answered the door [whom I love] and let me in. She called for Alex who I think was playing xbox or watching telly, he didn't look excited to see me at all and it was a really strange feeling. He leaned against the side of the wall and said 'Yes', as in what do I want, I then asked him if we could talk and he said that we could. We then hugged and then I followed him up the stairs, he said sorry if you've texted or called, my phones upstairs. After two whole time he hadn't even known how much I wanted to see him, which is so silly as I thought he didn't want to speak to me at all. Per usual, as soon as I got into his room I jumped straight into bed, soon followed by Alex. We laid there hugging very closely for a good 5 to 10 minutes, as he was shivering and I tried to warm him up. While there we talked about last night a little, and he realised that I had not lied to him at all and the argument was a complete mistake. We laid beside each other, gazing into the others eyes and just enjoying each others company after so long being deprived from it. Alex and I have always been so close, and always willing to be as open and act however we want around the other. As I laid with my back against his bed, he laid on top of me with our faces closely touching and rubbing against each other. He leaned in to kiss me, and as went a little closer he wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing for both of us and said 'but you don't want to', I replied with something like of course I want to, otherwise I wouldn't be coming to you. We shared a little romantic snog which truly was so amazing and we both loved. He asked me again if I minded that, and I told him that I loved it so. He kissed me again, really taking my breath away with how amazing it was, I love those kisses which he seems so sure of and mean so much! We both calmed down after a while and laid beside each other again, we mentioned slightly about new years with Chris, the night before Alex broke up with me and several other things, all of which we are going to talk about in detail but did not have enough time to do so last night. Just before I was leaving, Alex caressed my breasts with his hands and his mouth, which I was not forcing him to do at all but was very willing to let him do. Afterwards I told him it wasn't fair that he got to touch and kiss a part of me, he was very reluctant at first to allow me to go down his trousers, but I have enough persuasion and then went down on him. I don't feel disgusted with saying this at all, but I really have missed sucking him off, I really do love his penis! It's most definitely more to the fact that it is him rather than because it is something of the opposite sex. I can't see myself ever wanting to do that to another guy, other than Alex. I'm very sure that was the best I have gave him, as he couldn't stand for a while after and that's the first time it's ever happened, It meant that I got to lay down with him for another 5 - 10 minutes, which I loved. My favourite part of the night though, was hearing him say 'in the words of someone famous who has recently died, And I [singing those two words in his voice that I love], will always love you Amy'. It was seriously so romantic and thinking about it now just makes me want to squeeze tightly to him and never let go! I most definitely think that we would be good together again, but I do not know his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with me. We practically are already in a relationship, however do not call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I think I will have to bring up the conversation sometime, I'm not hopeful at all that he would do anything about it though. He knows too that we would be good together, I just don't understand why he won't make that final step again, it really gets me down sometimes, but I'm happy with what I've got really.
Today in comparison is nothing much, I have just been chilling at home, not doing too much and enjoying my last day off from college. Sad times that I have an early cold morning tomorrow, wish me luck!
Saturday - I had to be up and ready in the morning to get my eyebrows done at 12.30, however managed to stay in bed until 11am, after getting them threaded, I sat around at home waiting for my driving lesson which was at 4 - 6. In my driving lesson I practiced turning again and started on roundabouts, which I have done before as I have to go around to get home. Sadly there were less animals on my two hour journey, but a lot more driving which was fun. Right from the start of the day I could tell it wasn't going to be a good one, I was in a terrible and upset mood, feeling depressed and just sick of life. In the night I was planning to go up to my uncles house for his birthday, and then go with my cousin Shanice to one of her friends parties which I know and get on with. I wasn't too much in a party mood, so I decided that I would not stay the night and instead get picked up when my parents were leaving my uncles. I didn't dress up too much to go over to my uncles and to the party, but I looked decent enough in just skinny jeans, a vest and a nice cardigan. I wanted £5 to give the girl whose party it was as it was for her birthday, I asked mother as we got into the car for it and dad got really horrible to me per usual saying that I never give money back and being really abusive to me. As I was already in such an upset mood that day, he really was not helping! I told him to shut up several times, but of course he didn't, I then said if you say one more thing I'm going to hit you, he of course carried on so I hit him. He got out of the car and was trying to pull me out of the car while hitting me, while I was slapping him back and trying to get him away. He hit me hard across the face and I got out and walked back home, along with mother who was really cross with him. I can honestly say that I fucking hate him, he always abuses me and makes me feel shit about myself. When I got into the house I went straight up to my room, so angry and so upset with my eyes streaming with tears. I attempted to phone Alex several times, but he wouldn't pick up. Straight away I thought it was because he was really angry with me from the night before, I felt as if he didn't care to sort things out right then and wanted to leave it for a while until he spoke to me again. After around thirty minutes of crying in my room trying to get hold of Alex, I put on some warmer clothes and grabbed some things to go out in and walk to his house. While walking down the road I phoned Chris as I knew he was just coming out of work and for a few moments I thought it would be best to be with someone as I had suicidal thoughts the night before and again then. He said that he would come pick me up, but then I changed my mind and said I would be okay, after disagreeing with me for a while he finally gave in. I continued my walk to Alex, not really understanding what I was doing, it all felt a little strange. It takes 40 minutes to walk to his house, every now and then I would phone to try to get hold of him, but still he would not pick up. Texting him wasn't working either, even when I said that if he doesn't pick up I would come to his house. After that text I sat down on a bench which is 10 minutes away from his house, I sat there for 10 minutes and phoned him twice, still there was no reply. I called Lean in the meantime, to see if she knew if Alex was at home, she said that she thought he was as he was out the night before. My journey ended as I got to his house at 9.30pm, his mother answered the door [whom I love] and let me in. She called for Alex who I think was playing xbox or watching telly, he didn't look excited to see me at all and it was a really strange feeling. He leaned against the side of the wall and said 'Yes', as in what do I want, I then asked him if we could talk and he said that we could. We then hugged and then I followed him up the stairs, he said sorry if you've texted or called, my phones upstairs. After two whole time he hadn't even known how much I wanted to see him, which is so silly as I thought he didn't want to speak to me at all. Per usual, as soon as I got into his room I jumped straight into bed, soon followed by Alex. We laid there hugging very closely for a good 5 to 10 minutes, as he was shivering and I tried to warm him up. While there we talked about last night a little, and he realised that I had not lied to him at all and the argument was a complete mistake. We laid beside each other, gazing into the others eyes and just enjoying each others company after so long being deprived from it. Alex and I have always been so close, and always willing to be as open and act however we want around the other. As I laid with my back against his bed, he laid on top of me with our faces closely touching and rubbing against each other. He leaned in to kiss me, and as went a little closer he wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing for both of us and said 'but you don't want to', I replied with something like of course I want to, otherwise I wouldn't be coming to you. We shared a little romantic snog which truly was so amazing and we both loved. He asked me again if I minded that, and I told him that I loved it so. He kissed me again, really taking my breath away with how amazing it was, I love those kisses which he seems so sure of and mean so much! We both calmed down after a while and laid beside each other again, we mentioned slightly about new years with Chris, the night before Alex broke up with me and several other things, all of which we are going to talk about in detail but did not have enough time to do so last night. Just before I was leaving, Alex caressed my breasts with his hands and his mouth, which I was not forcing him to do at all but was very willing to let him do. Afterwards I told him it wasn't fair that he got to touch and kiss a part of me, he was very reluctant at first to allow me to go down his trousers, but I have enough persuasion and then went down on him. I don't feel disgusted with saying this at all, but I really have missed sucking him off, I really do love his penis! It's most definitely more to the fact that it is him rather than because it is something of the opposite sex. I can't see myself ever wanting to do that to another guy, other than Alex. I'm very sure that was the best I have gave him, as he couldn't stand for a while after and that's the first time it's ever happened, It meant that I got to lay down with him for another 5 - 10 minutes, which I loved. My favourite part of the night though, was hearing him say 'in the words of someone famous who has recently died, And I [singing those two words in his voice that I love], will always love you Amy'. It was seriously so romantic and thinking about it now just makes me want to squeeze tightly to him and never let go! I most definitely think that we would be good together again, but I do not know his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with me. We practically are already in a relationship, however do not call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I think I will have to bring up the conversation sometime, I'm not hopeful at all that he would do anything about it though. He knows too that we would be good together, I just don't understand why he won't make that final step again, it really gets me down sometimes, but I'm happy with what I've got really.
Today in comparison is nothing much, I have just been chilling at home, not doing too much and enjoying my last day off from college. Sad times that I have an early cold morning tomorrow, wish me luck!
18thFebruary2012
I am so happy right now, nothing I say can explain how much. Pure happiness!
I will talk about everything which has happened in my two days tomorrow, for now I am just so satisfied with how well things have gone. This is the first time I have been actually happy this year, I cannot stop smiling like a fool =D
I will talk about everything which has happened in my two days tomorrow, for now I am just so satisfied with how well things have gone. This is the first time I have been actually happy this year, I cannot stop smiling like a fool =D
16thFebruary2012
Today was the day that Alex made the effort and spoke to me before I spoke to him for the first time this year, I have been awaiting this for sixteen days now. I woke up in a really terrible, irritable and angry mood, for one of my first thoughts was that Alex still has not made any effort and it's getting silly now at how much he hasn't bothered and seems not to care. I was so irritated by it that I complained to somebody about it, which is something I would never normally do. It was at 6.38pm that he messaged me over Facebook, he had obviously noticed that I was unhappy through statuses and tweets so said 'Will you please cheer up? :(', along with thanking me for visiting him at work on Sunday and 'any chance youre going to talk to me anytime soon? missing you', of course that would head fuck me and then I started to get upset and cried for a solid ten minutes. It took me quite a while to reply to him as at first I was in shock that he messaged me and was scared to see what he said, and then took a while after to think of a reply for him. After a few messages I was fine talking to him, however it was obvious that I was not completely okay with him, but really that's just me being upset in general, mainly because of him. He asked how Stigg and Steffy were [the teddies], and said that he was worried that I may have ripped their heads off or something because I wasn't his biggest fan, which is completely unbelievable and really I have been doing to opposite and giving them as much love as I can. Towards the end of the conversation it seemed as if he had given up trying to make an effort, which is slightly expectable because of the replies I was giving, however he should have realised I still wanted to talk to him as he knows what I am like. At 22.51 he left to go to sleep, which to me is strange as usually he seems to be up until his internet dies at 12, unless he is doing something tomorrow morning. He also wished me a good Friday, probably meaning he won't be online to speak to me tomorrow and won't text me either. I am happy that he has spoken to me! But am seriously scared about when we meet up to have a proper talk, as what I tell him has a good chance of ruining our friendship completely. I know his opinion on me will most definitely change for worse. The thing that will ruin the friendship is something that happened nearly a year ago, so I will ask him if he wants to know even though it may result in us never talking again, but then it's his choice. I would like to be honest with Alex, and I hope he will accept me still, but this may very much not be the case. It's hard to know when it's better to tell the truth or just leave it in the past </3
15thFebruary2012
My last night was spent at Chris', it went better than I expected as he was planning to get all his stress out by having sex with me. He got to my house at 10, before I had packed anything so I spent the next 50 minutes doing that and avoiding being close to him while in my room. I had already drank one can of Strongbow and was onto my second when he arrived, making me in a more cheerful mood than I would usually be in as I knew the nights plans would be terribly wrong. I told him that I would need cigarettes for the night, and I now have them, and now that I do, I will probably continue to smoke them until the whole 20 are gone. The night was quite slow, and neither of us were too pushy about getting the job over and done with straight away. There was quite a bit of kissing and a little bit of dry sex happening before any of our clothes were off. I mentioned a few of times to him about me having to drink quite a bit more to be able to have sex with him, and on the last time of telling him he said that we shouldn't really be doing it if I need alcohol to manage. Eventually he got over this and was into the idea of us having sex again, it got to the point of him being completely undressed, my top half undressed and him with a condom on to realise that this is actually not what I want. He was then backing out of it after wasting one of my 'delay' condoms, which I assure you from last time we had sex and any time I have jacked him off, he needs! At the time I felt terrible and it really knocked my self confidence down as I felt really worthless, and still do. I hate myself for even letting it get that far, let alone further. I got into bed, clothless and feeling sorry for myself. He then got into the bed next to me and apologised, told me he feels bad for letting this much happen and would feel even worse if he had let more happen. The main thing he mentioned for not letting anything more happen was the girl he was seeing a short while ago, Corrina. From last night I now know that he does genuinely have feelings towards her, and does rate her higher than me. He started shaking while telling me about all of his problems and how he always makes the wrong decisions and messes everything up. I was trying to help him though his problems as much as I could, even though I was annoyed with him. A little while later he took my hand and lowered it onto his penis, I already felt quite low and disgraceful by then so that I decided to give him a hand job until he came all over his blanket. He asked me if I would like to use my mouth while it was happening, and per usual I said no as I feel like you should completely trust the other person before you go this far and I would rather have sex with someone than stick their penis in my mouth. After a few minutes of awkward silence I put on some clothes to get me decent and went outside for a cigarette, Chris told me to be quick otherwise he'll worry about me and to lock the door back up afterwards. I was right outside of his drive for just over ten minutes, then went back inside as it was very cold at two in the morning. When I came back inside I locked the door up and put some of my stuff back into the front room where we were sleeping, Chris was already asleep, which annoyed me. I picked up all of my teddies and travelled into his room to sleep in his bed instead, as I wasn't too up for sleeping next to him any more. As I got inside I realised there was no blanket [other than the one he came over], and that his room was really messy which irritated the hell out of me. I was feeling quite restless and had quite a lot on my mind so decided to use the time productively and clean his room. Just under three hours later I had cleaned up a heap of paperwork from the floor, sorted out the tops of two desks, alphabetical listed around 50 dvds and xbox games, sorted out an overflowing draw to make it look presentable and chucked away lots of rubbish which he didn't need. After that I was most definitely feeling better about myself, and thought it was time to go back to sleep in the other room. When walking back into the front room I must have woken him as he asked me if I had locked the front door, thus meaning he obviously thought I had just came in from having a cigarette and completely unaware that three hours had gone past. While trying to get comfy on what I was sleeping on, I cuddled up to Chris in hope that he would cuddle me back as I was feeling lonely, but there was no reaction whatsoever from him at all. Soon after I rolled back over and fell asleep.
This morning wasn't awkward at all, unlike how it would have been if we did end up having sex. I got out of my bed around 11 and got ready to be taken home as he was in the shower. He noticed that I had cleaned his room and didn't take it badly at all. Since I have been at home I've showered, walked Webster with my friend Sean and just relaxed around home. I am feeling much better than I thought I would be right now, however I still feel used and know that I cannot trust Chris to think about my feelings any more.
This morning wasn't awkward at all, unlike how it would have been if we did end up having sex. I got out of my bed around 11 and got ready to be taken home as he was in the shower. He noticed that I had cleaned his room and didn't take it badly at all. Since I have been at home I've showered, walked Webster with my friend Sean and just relaxed around home. I am feeling much better than I thought I would be right now, however I still feel used and know that I cannot trust Chris to think about my feelings any more.
14thFebruary2012
Today is valentines, and I will be spending tonight in bed with someone who I do not love. I don't want anything to happen, but I do not trust myself, and I do not trust him. I may have to drink simply to accept the fact that I am going to be in his bed, just the two of us, in that lonely house. He won't realise how much I don't want anything to happen, but I am too scared to tell him that, for if I do, I may lose him forever. I feel so sick just thinking about the antics of tonight, but I am not strong enough to do anything other. Tonight won't go down in history [8]
13thFebruary2012
I hate the feeling of being alone. I think I liked how Chris and I were before, he actually cared about me, even if he acted as if he didn't sometimes. I don't feel like I should trust Chris right now, he comes across as if he just wants to use me for sexual favours, whereas before it was also to do with wanting to be close to me and he genuinely felt something towards me. I want him as a friend, and nothing more, but he can't seem to accept that. He's phoned me up again tonight and mentioned sex, because of the type of person I am, I think I probably will end up having sex with him. He tells me that I want it from him, he tells me how I feel and he tells me what to do. That is one thing which always head fucks me, and it is so easy for people to do it to me once I start to trust them and really need them in my life. I want to stay close with Chris and I think that if I don't let him have sex with me that he will forget about me, and I would much rather my life gets more messed up with confusion and pain than to be forgotten about. We will never be safe in this life.
12thFebruary2012
I'm ill, the main thing to say right now, and I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself. I'm being hopeful that I'm at my worst stage right now and will be getting better tomorrow, but sadly probably not.
I stayed up quite late on Skype last night, till 5 in the morning actually, which is reason why I'm up so late again tonight. This left me to wake up at two in the afternoon, even though I had to be somewhere which closed at 4, thus having about an hour to get ready, which I amazingly succeeded with! At 3 I was ready to go to the garden centre to buy a fish nursery and some food. As Alex also works there I texted him somewhere in the hour asking him if he was in and would like a visit, after a bit of a conversation we got to the answer of yes, he even said I could come over his later in the day but I refused as I'm feeling unwell. I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to reject an offer of meeting up with him, the reason I said no is because I'm ill and I'd much rather have the conversation at my house and get to spend the whole day with him, instead of a very late afternoon for a short time. As I was walking into where he was I didn't feel worried at all, I think I've got to the point where I don't care that much any more. Obviously I care about his opinion so much though, when I know we're about to have the whole conversation I'm sure I will definitely be going crazy with worry! It was nice seeing him though, we just talked about usual things like how our week has been and any plans we have. We shared hugs too; the first time my arm was stuck in between our bodies so I wan't satisfied and asked for another, the second was so much better as it gave me a feeling that everything would be okay between us, as I had been thinking before that he may not even want to be friends with me any more. He gave me a really tight cuddle for quite a bit, it kind of felt like he didn't want to let go and I very much didn't want him to either. The first hug we ever had together was also tight, I loved it oh so much and it left me feeling so amazing afterwards. Eventually just under 10 minutes I had to sadly leave him to get to work and so mother and I could leave to go home.
Last night Chris was talking to me about staying over his tonight, I said possibly but not definitely as I'm ill. How he was talking sounded like he just wanted to get some action, as he has a free house for the week and is no longer seeing the girl he was last week. Instead of going over to his house and staying the night I decided it would be best if he just came over to mine for a few hours, which he did from around near 8 until 11. All I can say with honesty is that I have most definitely missed him! However he did get flirty very soon after and kept trying things with me, again I want to believe he is over me as he says he is, but the way he acts just tells me the complete opposite. He kept asking why I wouldn't do anything with him, and mentioning that the only reason before that I didn't want anything to happen is because I knew he liked me, but there's no problem now as there's no emotional attachment. I am very emotionally attached to Chris, but I guess he doesn't see things like I do. Earlier today we were just laying in bed, he had his arm rested around my body with my head on his shoulders and my arm around his body too, I seriously enjoyed this so much and have missed feeling closeness with people. I enjoy being close with people, but without the sexual part, I really do think sex and everything else isn't particularly needed. Throughout the whole time of being here he didn't realise that nothing was going to happen between us, and continued to try for the night. As I have been self-harming recently I asked Chris to buy me a pack of cigarettes, however he refused even when I told him about me cutting.
All in all I have had a good day, I feel okay but think things may get worse again if Chris carries on acting the way he is and if when Alex and I have the talk that it turns all bad and ends up with us not being okay with each other. Better luck next time Amy!
I stayed up quite late on Skype last night, till 5 in the morning actually, which is reason why I'm up so late again tonight. This left me to wake up at two in the afternoon, even though I had to be somewhere which closed at 4, thus having about an hour to get ready, which I amazingly succeeded with! At 3 I was ready to go to the garden centre to buy a fish nursery and some food. As Alex also works there I texted him somewhere in the hour asking him if he was in and would like a visit, after a bit of a conversation we got to the answer of yes, he even said I could come over his later in the day but I refused as I'm feeling unwell. I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to reject an offer of meeting up with him, the reason I said no is because I'm ill and I'd much rather have the conversation at my house and get to spend the whole day with him, instead of a very late afternoon for a short time. As I was walking into where he was I didn't feel worried at all, I think I've got to the point where I don't care that much any more. Obviously I care about his opinion so much though, when I know we're about to have the whole conversation I'm sure I will definitely be going crazy with worry! It was nice seeing him though, we just talked about usual things like how our week has been and any plans we have. We shared hugs too; the first time my arm was stuck in between our bodies so I wan't satisfied and asked for another, the second was so much better as it gave me a feeling that everything would be okay between us, as I had been thinking before that he may not even want to be friends with me any more. He gave me a really tight cuddle for quite a bit, it kind of felt like he didn't want to let go and I very much didn't want him to either. The first hug we ever had together was also tight, I loved it oh so much and it left me feeling so amazing afterwards. Eventually just under 10 minutes I had to sadly leave him to get to work and so mother and I could leave to go home.
Last night Chris was talking to me about staying over his tonight, I said possibly but not definitely as I'm ill. How he was talking sounded like he just wanted to get some action, as he has a free house for the week and is no longer seeing the girl he was last week. Instead of going over to his house and staying the night I decided it would be best if he just came over to mine for a few hours, which he did from around near 8 until 11. All I can say with honesty is that I have most definitely missed him! However he did get flirty very soon after and kept trying things with me, again I want to believe he is over me as he says he is, but the way he acts just tells me the complete opposite. He kept asking why I wouldn't do anything with him, and mentioning that the only reason before that I didn't want anything to happen is because I knew he liked me, but there's no problem now as there's no emotional attachment. I am very emotionally attached to Chris, but I guess he doesn't see things like I do. Earlier today we were just laying in bed, he had his arm rested around my body with my head on his shoulders and my arm around his body too, I seriously enjoyed this so much and have missed feeling closeness with people. I enjoy being close with people, but without the sexual part, I really do think sex and everything else isn't particularly needed. Throughout the whole time of being here he didn't realise that nothing was going to happen between us, and continued to try for the night. As I have been self-harming recently I asked Chris to buy me a pack of cigarettes, however he refused even when I told him about me cutting.
All in all I have had a good day, I feel okay but think things may get worse again if Chris carries on acting the way he is and if when Alex and I have the talk that it turns all bad and ends up with us not being okay with each other. Better luck next time Amy!
11thFebruary2012
I did in fact write the wrong age on my mothers card wrong, she's actually 43 and most definitely not 34! I had an extremely enjoyable day, we got lots of chocolate! Must admit that I have been feeling quite unwell with the amount of food I have eaten today though. After we got home family came over, that was also very nice! I will talk about my day tomorrow, as I'm feeling very lazy tonight!
10thFebruary2012
I finally showered at 21.20 today, meaning I didn't get out of bed for the whole day other than to get food and drink. It has been an extremely lazy day for me I must admit, just been listening to music and online since half twelve in the afternoon. So just another wasted day added to my life. Someone who I have been talking to online for the past two weeks told me today that he likes me, and it's not one of those ridiculous ones where the two of us haven't spoken much, but instead we've been on skype to each other for probably near 4 hours roughly each day. He would actually be my type if he lived closer, but long distance relationships are not the one for me. I could imagine myself going crazy if I liked someone too much and wasn't able to see them whenever I wanted. I think that's one thing that pushed Alex away, I became too attached and he wanted more time apart. It's a tough life really. It's mums 44th birthday tomorrow, and just realised I've written the wrong age in her birthday card, oops. We will be going to Cadbury World for it, which I'm quite looking forward to, but not the early morning of course. So because of that reason exactly, I will be going to get my beauty sleep now so I can hopefully sleep at least seven hours, probably not though. Goodnight <3
9thFebruary2012
I had my second driving lesson today, again it went really well and I very much enjoyed it. I'm already progressing so much from last week and feel much more in control of the car while driving. I had my driving lesson at 12.30 - 2.30, and I haven't done much else other than that today. My driving instructor asked me last time about my theory test and mentioned it again this time, I assume he wants me to start revising for it now, as the sooner, the better. I feel that I'll probably be better at the theory than the practical, as there's more pressure for the practical.
I feel like I have been forgotten about by Chris; I finally know how he has been feeling for so long now. It truly is a terrible feeling, I just want things to go back to how they were. In a way though, I prefer it now to how it was, simply because now it's me who's getting hurt and not Chris. Chris is now in a state where he is in control of what he does, which is something I will never be able to accomplish in Alex's and my relationship. I'm happy for Chris, but I can't help but want to be close with him again. I really and truly may have feelings for Chris, it's strange really.. I wish I was in a relationship with Chris, but a non sexual one, that way I could say he's mine and he would be. That's really all I've wanted all this time with Chris, I've loved all of our closeness, but let him get too close and attached to me in the wrong ways, thus me messing around with his head and leading him on. I don't really understand, and I definitely don't expect him to understand! I want weird things, and that is one of them <3
I feel like I have been forgotten about by Chris; I finally know how he has been feeling for so long now. It truly is a terrible feeling, I just want things to go back to how they were. In a way though, I prefer it now to how it was, simply because now it's me who's getting hurt and not Chris. Chris is now in a state where he is in control of what he does, which is something I will never be able to accomplish in Alex's and my relationship. I'm happy for Chris, but I can't help but want to be close with him again. I really and truly may have feelings for Chris, it's strange really.. I wish I was in a relationship with Chris, but a non sexual one, that way I could say he's mine and he would be. That's really all I've wanted all this time with Chris, I've loved all of our closeness, but let him get too close and attached to me in the wrong ways, thus me messing around with his head and leading him on. I don't really understand, and I definitely don't expect him to understand! I want weird things, and that is one of them <3
8thFebruary2012
I went into town with Rachel today, to do a little shopping, see a film and grab some food. To be ready on time for 12.30 I had to wake up at 10, this gave me time to shower up, sort out my face, choose my clothes and then dry and straighten my hair [which still looks lovely]. Mum kindly gave me a lift to where I need to be to get picked up by Rachel's mum, which was the local church. Rachel and I had to wait a while for her mum to be ready and out of a silly meeting to take us into town. Once we finally got into town we went straight to Noodle Nation, of course I got my usual of 173, udon just plain noodles with no veg. It was very delicious and didn't take me to long to devour the whole bowl. After this we went to a few shops, one being the Card Factory to get my mum a birthday card who's birthday is on Saturday the 11th, we will be going to Cadbury World to celebrate, which is the first time I've ever been, I'm quite excited! We also went to H.Samuels so that I could get a gift for her which is a Me To You ornament called Birthday suit; picture related. We spent well over thirty minutes on attempting to get Rachel's phone sorted out, she wanted to swap from Orange to Vodafone but keeping the same number, it's safe to say that it was a lot of effort with a lot of confusion! That's all we really had time for shopping as the film was about to start at half three in the afternoon, we chose to see Chronicle. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and very much suggest it anyone who is reading this. It's about three boys who go down a hole in the ground, and then somehow get super strength through mind powers, they start off with just picking stones up but learn that the more that they work at it, the stronger they get. One of the boys gets seriously bullied and beaten by his dad on a regular basis. Once he has his powers, things really get to him as his mother dies, his father blames it all on him and he's sick of everyone's shit. He then takes onto hurting everyone he can rather than just the people who have hurt him, as they're all weaker than him. In the film he mentions something along the lines of 'I am an Apex Predator. Does the lion feel bad killing the gazelle? Do people feel remorse when they kill a fly?'. I think his comments here were pretty fair, I could see myself becoming like him but a little less crazy if I ever had power. Too many people take life for graunted, and mistreat those which we should love. I am one of these people, and all I can do now is say sorry.I also saw Chris today in town, he was just passing by, it wasn't planned or expected to see him at all. As soon as I saw him I jumped straight up and quickly rushed towards him, I'm pretty sure winding him as we hugged too. He couldn't stay for even a minute as he had the girl he is seeing and another girl waiting in his car for him, as he was selling some second-hand films to a store for his friend or something along the lines of. I really did wish he could stay for a little longer and chat, however now days he's been seeming to be way too busy for me. As much as I don't want Chris to be upset that him and the girl who he's seeing aren't working out, I do quite wish that she was out of his life so we could get back to being close friends. As I lie down in my bed I start to miss just laying beside him, staring up at the ceiling and talking to him about the life we have and just random things. I miss spending time with my best friend </3
7thFebruary2012
This blog is being started at three in the afternoon to ensure it is done and done properly! I have been far too lazy with it for nearly the past week, I will apologise for this. It's amazing how it's now half six and those two sentences are all I managed to do! I'm am seriously such a lazy child, always procrastinating. As far as I am aware, all my posts have been crappy since Friday, so here is a little bit of a catch up.
Saturday & Sunday - As I didn't do much on either days there's no point in telling the story twice. On Saturday I was feeling really tired because of the long day and short sleep from the day before, a weird sort of tired where it felt like I was slightly hungover too. I was only feeling like that as I got home though, at about half one in the afternoon, which I then spent the rest of the day in bed rolling around in it. Of course in the morning I woke up in the hotel, my alarm was set for nine, allowing me to have time to shower [without washing my hair], making my face look decent and packing all my stuff up. Steph however woke me at half past eight and then played music quite loudly thus leaving me unable to get back to sleep. I enjoyed one song with her then hopped into the shower and sorted myself out. We all then went downstairs for breakfast, I had several glasses of apple juice, very sweet tea and soldier and eggs, it was tasty I must say as mine was cooked just right unlike Lauren's which was way over-cooked and not at all dippy. We then went to Tesco to get something for Zoe's brother and the staff, and put some money in a card for him too [£15 each]. After staying in his apartment for a little, he drove us all the way to Lauren's house. We stayed there for a while and gave attention to her two snakes and akita dog, which I have a few photos of. We then travelled home, and as I said before, I spent the rest of the day in bed rolling around in it along with Sunday doing the exact same. On Sunday however, it snowed in the night and I played in the back garden for a while with Webster. Little Laura and Hayley from down the road came over however, I went over to theirs and we chilled for a while.
Monday; again I didn't get up to much, just laid in bed all day rolling over. At 20 past five in the afternoon however Chris sent me a chat message on Facebook simply saying 'boo', it seriously brightened up my mood and put the biggest smile on my face as we hadn't spoken since the Sunday before. We talked a little and then talked about a phone call later, I told him to just text me if and when he would like a call. He seemed a little off in his texts, but I guess that is understandable. The call lasted around thirty minutes and wasn't a down conversation at all, things seemed usual, just a little less happier however. I now want to call Chris my best friend, because really, he is! He has always been there if I needed him, always making me okay and ensuring that everything in my life is going as well as it can be. Chris really and truly did care about me so much, but I think I've messed that up now. I sometimes think that Chris and me would have worked out, I know I am such a silly person for pushing him away, he probably would have been the best boyfriend I could of ever had because of how much he cared about me and loved me. I really have broken that down now however, and there's no way of getting our closeness back. I miss my Christina and want to be near how we use to be very soon.
Friday - I woke up quite early at 8 O'clock so that I could be ready for my friends picking me up at 11. We would then be going to a friends house about 30 minutes away, getting the train from there into London and going to my friends brothers hotel to drop off our stuff. We was then planning to go to Westfield, as it would be early afternoon and we could make a day of our outing by shopping and having a good afternoon. We would then go back to the hotel, drop all the things which we bought back to our rooms, prepare for the gig we was going to, have a good time there, then go back to the hotel and chill out. This however, did not work out so well as the two friends which were coming to pick me up were both late, by two and a half hours, leaving it to half one in the afternoon to pick me up which was when we originally planned to already be in London. I was oh so slightly pissed off at the two of them so decided to drink until they were at mine, which consisted of two cans of Strongbow, one toilet break and then into the car.
Expectedly I needed to pee again very soon after, we went all the way to where our other friend lives, to be lost in the town centre, so instead of finding her house, they decided it would be better to drive all the way back to where we started from. After the already hour long drive I was bursting for the toilet, and had complained for long enough that they let me go to my aunty's house that was a 2 minute drive away from my house, because they were being that stingy. We then set off for one of the places near where my friend lives for her step-dad to drive there, and us follow him back to the house, it's safe to say that he was pissed off. Afterwards we got dropped of at the train station by her step-dad and made our way to London, we found the hotel pretty easily after getting off and it wasn't too far of a walk to the hotel or the venue of the gig. We stayed at the hotel for around three to four hours before leaving at seven to go to see All Time Low, The Maine and We Are The In Crowd, unfortunately that was too late as we had to walk quite a while to get to the end of the queue as Zoe wouldn't let us jump in it somewhere nearer to the front, however it did move quite quickly. It did mean that we missed We Are The In Crowd perform as we found out at the end of the night that they were first. For most of the night inside I was stood next to Steph and Lauren, as Zoe wasn't feeling too well and it would probably be best if she wasn't placed next to me screaming and jumping about everywhere. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the night inside and the performances were truly amazing, making me more excited for The Wombats on the 22nd. We then headed back to the hotel and napped the night off after watching an hour of Rude Tube until half one. As the hotel room needed to look presentable, the duvets were tightly tucked under the mattress, and of course me being my lazy self decided to wedge myself in rather than un-tucking it all, it's safe to say I was in there pretty tight.
Expectedly I needed to pee again very soon after, we went all the way to where our other friend lives, to be lost in the town centre, so instead of finding her house, they decided it would be better to drive all the way back to where we started from. After the already hour long drive I was bursting for the toilet, and had complained for long enough that they let me go to my aunty's house that was a 2 minute drive away from my house, because they were being that stingy. We then set off for one of the places near where my friend lives for her step-dad to drive there, and us follow him back to the house, it's safe to say that he was pissed off. Afterwards we got dropped of at the train station by her step-dad and made our way to London, we found the hotel pretty easily after getting off and it wasn't too far of a walk to the hotel or the venue of the gig. We stayed at the hotel for around three to four hours before leaving at seven to go to see All Time Low, The Maine and We Are The In Crowd, unfortunately that was too late as we had to walk quite a while to get to the end of the queue as Zoe wouldn't let us jump in it somewhere nearer to the front, however it did move quite quickly. It did mean that we missed We Are The In Crowd perform as we found out at the end of the night that they were first. For most of the night inside I was stood next to Steph and Lauren, as Zoe wasn't feeling too well and it would probably be best if she wasn't placed next to me screaming and jumping about everywhere. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the night inside and the performances were truly amazing, making me more excited for The Wombats on the 22nd. We then headed back to the hotel and napped the night off after watching an hour of Rude Tube until half one. As the hotel room needed to look presentable, the duvets were tightly tucked under the mattress, and of course me being my lazy self decided to wedge myself in rather than un-tucking it all, it's safe to say I was in there pretty tight.
Monday; again I didn't get up to much, just laid in bed all day rolling over. At 20 past five in the afternoon however Chris sent me a chat message on Facebook simply saying 'boo', it seriously brightened up my mood and put the biggest smile on my face as we hadn't spoken since the Sunday before. We talked a little and then talked about a phone call later, I told him to just text me if and when he would like a call. He seemed a little off in his texts, but I guess that is understandable. The call lasted around thirty minutes and wasn't a down conversation at all, things seemed usual, just a little less happier however. I now want to call Chris my best friend, because really, he is! He has always been there if I needed him, always making me okay and ensuring that everything in my life is going as well as it can be. Chris really and truly did care about me so much, but I think I've messed that up now. I sometimes think that Chris and me would have worked out, I know I am such a silly person for pushing him away, he probably would have been the best boyfriend I could of ever had because of how much he cared about me and loved me. I really have broken that down now however, and there's no way of getting our closeness back. I miss my Christina and want to be near how we use to be very soon.
Today I have received my third rejection from Uni, my two options left to reply are Nottingham Trent and London Imperial. I've been thinking that even if I do get accepted into either, I may not accept. Uni may not be for me, I'm not exactly the smartest out there and Uni most definitely is for the intelligent. However I've always struggled to get into any jobs I apply for, so that may leave me with nothing to do for a year or so. Staying at home would most definitely not be good for me either; there's a good chance I would get depressed and try killing myself. I need to start applying for full time jobs now, as it's only 5 - 6 months until I'm completely out of college and either going to Uni or losing my life. Whenever I think about the future I just want to cry, I wish both of the Unis would give me the sympathy vote and accept me, even if I wasn't good enough to get in. I hate my younger self for not trying hard enough, there is no way I'm going to let any of my children slack in their lives, they need to miss out on the mistakes I've made. My advice today is; try as hard as you possibly can, even if you get nothing out of it, at least you can say that you tried your hardest and that's the best you could do.
6thFebruary2012
I really cannot believe how late it is already! And really cannot believe how rubbish and short my blogs have been getting lately. It's my fault for leaving them till late at night, then eventually forgetting about them and rushing them right before I go to sleep, like now. One of my aims for tomorrow will to give this a proper update, but I will not promise anything.
5thFebruary2012
Alex and me got together on the 5th of September. I always liked to see him on the 5th of every month, and very likely would have today if we were still together or talking properly as friends. The snow also makes me want to see him, as we had a romantic walk while it was snowing throughout the night two years ago. That night is in one of my top ten moments shared with him, everything was so happy and so perfect. I miss those times </3
4thFebruary2012
Last night truly was amazing! Most definitely the most fun I have had all year, makes me even more excited for The Wombats. Steph and Zoe were late by two and a half hours, meaning I could have got up at half ten instead which quite irritates me. Another really annoying thing was that they planned the times wrong, which resulted in us missing out on We Are The In Crowd, which were playing as we were queuing. We were also suppose to go to Westfield in the day, which is why we were leaving so early. There were quite a few disappointments I have to admit, but overall a really fantastic night. The hotel we stayed at was truly stunning too, would have been £125 per room, but each we paid £15 and had two rooms. I am really knackered, so I'm out!
3rdFebruary2012
Tonight I will be going to a concert with my three [out of four] girls; Lauren, Steph and Zoe. All Time Low, The Maine and We Are The In Crowd will be playing. I will be leaving in an hour to go to Westfield with the girls in the daytime to do a little bit of shopping, [or simply applying to me look around the shops at everything I can't buy]; as they have all had jobs for at least a year now. We will also be staying in Zoe's brothers hotel for the night, meaning we don't have to get the train back that night, but instead have to pay for another train back for the next day and give him about a £10. It quite irritates me that extra money was put into the gig as I was not aware of having to pay for anything other than the train and ticket at first, but more and more money has slowly been going into it. In the end it should be a good night, and hopefully I can properly enjoy myself without any useless thoughts on stupid boys for the first time this year! I am going to miss my teddies tonight, but will be taking just Hippo as don't think I would be able to get comfy without him. I should probably get a little bit more ready now as I have an hour and 20 minutes to do my face, clothes, hair and recheck of my bag! Can see rushing is ahead of me, per usual.
2ndFebruary2012
I drove a car for the first time today! It thought it went really well, not at all worth all the worry I had over it. I seriously enjoyed it, and my instructor is extremely nice and relaxing. But then again driving is very common in many places of the world including England, so nothing too special really. I will be going to a concert tomorrow night and staying at a hotel, thus leaving me to do a blog tomorrow morning which probably won't be very much. Hopefully tomorrow will go well though and I can write all about it on Saturday night, unless I go out too [which I would like to - I'll explain later maybe]. Nothing other has really happened in my day, has been quite un-interesting and long. And now for a longish sleep before my 8 O'clock morning tomorrow, goodnight <3
1stFebruary2012
Right now I would like nothing more than to be dead.
Everything is so wrong in my life lately. The main three people in my life
really don’t care about me like I once thought they did and always would do. I’m
not okay with any of them; Chris has his interests in someone now and seems to
be too head-locked in everything else to care about me, Lean has always put me
to the back of her mind and even goes behind my back and Alex, the one person I
have ever loved in that way does not feel the same and quite possibly will
never want to speak to me again once I tell him the truth. Not only that, but my
hopes of going to Uni are slowly slipping away, rejection after rejection.
Every job that I apply for either ignores me, rejects me or bullshits me on. My
future career life looks pretty terrible right now, and I wonder if I will ever
be able to do anything decent in it. My dad is forever putting me down, not
thinking about my feelings and completely treating me terribly. I feel like I
have no one here for me, I am so alone. I can’t see this life getting any
better at all right now, I just wish Alex knew.
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