I asked my ex in the very early hours if the morning if he would life to meet up with me in a few days, so far I've had no ignolagment. My current thoughts are that he must be very hesitant to meet up with me, which is understandable as we're trying to stop the intimacy. My reason for wanting to meet up with him is to show him my new piercing and see how he feels about it, really I just want an approval. For some reason I'm reluctant to post it anywhere he may see as I like to tell him face to face about major changes in the piercings range. I was the same with my first and second lip piercing, and I want to assume that he will be much more approving of my industrial piercing. I of course miss him too, but this is not something I can willingly say to him, perhaps if he says it first I will do. My actions still revolve around him and his opinions towards the action. I really should set myself lose from him, but I'm rather clueless how to do that.
Friends were approving of my piercing at college today, so that made me feel much better with people's opinion on it. College hasn't been that much of a bad day at all, and I strangely seemed to enjoy it much more than I usually do on a Thursday. I've been proud with myself for remembering last weeks lesson topics on two occasions today, which is something that doesn't tend to happen at all. I've got a long way to go to remembering everything we've taught, but today has made me dowel positively about it. I found my love for maths once again, as our nutrition module has included a minor amount of maths. I find maths really enjoyable, but sadly I'm just not that good at it, coming out with a C at GCSE level.
I can now finally relax a little as the class has been given an extension on our two pieces of coursework that was supposed to be in for this Friday (tomorrow). The coursework would have been seriously implemented? if we had not got an extension, and I feel we can now be at rest because of this.
Simply a diary of my life from the start of 2012 and following to the year 2013. Please like or dislike my blogs and feel very free to leave a comment (: I will apologise for how much I can ramble on about nothing important. I hope you enjoy my blogs and have a lovely day :D
30thJanuary2013
I really need to get back on track with my blog, I'm getting so behind and it's all down to coursework taking over my life. When this blog is finally posted, it means that I have at least caught up to this date, but most likely still behind. It seems as if I have an endless amount of things that need doing, and they're all just building up, it's getting me awfully stressed.
I finally finished my 2000 word coursework on animal testing today, after three days of working on it. I'm greatly interested in the subject of animal testing, but for all the wrong reasons. While completing the coursework I've been getting rather emotional because of the topic, and hormones definitely have not been helping. The topic that mainly got me angry and upset was research that was being done on animals; monkeys being used for Parkinson's disease, mice being used for cancer research, and rats being used for stem cell research.
Sacrificing an animal's life in aid of a human's life is not at all acceptable to me, I find it absolutely disgusting and all people who agree with animal research should be disgusted with themselves. I only find animal testing to be acceptable when it benefits the animals themselves. Worsening the life of one to make a life of another better isn't understandable. It's a selfish thing for me to say, but I honestly couldn't care less about people with problems where the problems are trying to be solved through animal research. I refuse to donate money to charities such as cancer research as they're not 'heroes' at all, they're disgraceful and I hope everyone involved burns to death. The life of one animal is far more important in my eyes than one million humans. It does not make sense to not use humans for research that is for HUMANS. I would happily watch any human that has done a wrong to be put in the place of an animal at an animal testing laboratory. Even if someone got sent to prison for something minor like stealing a chocolate bar, why not replace them for the animal that has done no wrong in it's life. I would not have a problem with seeing children purposely bred to be used for research, if it is acceptable to be done with animals, why exclude humans.
The topic has got me angry once again. Why not cut out the middle man and save all the animals from suffering when there is no need to do so. Everyone needs to stop being so selfish, so foolish and instead look the fuck around.
Enough of that now, onto the subject of the ex. After our talk over two weeks ago (damn that has gone quickly) everything has been rather strange and 'off' with us, which I suppose is understandable. It went a week until today that we hadn't spoken to each other, which I honestly hadn't thought about all that much until the past couple of days. Not speaking to him for a few days is weird enough for me, and a week is far too long as it greatly impacts my mood in a negative way. I wanted to talk to him, and I had the chance to, I just didn't feel like I should. I definitely wanted to speak to him before this, but only until the last couple of days had I felt like I really wanted to, and I didn't feel as if he would want me speaking to him. As it was him that set the standard of us to giving ourselves distance, I feel as if he has the upper hand in the situation and is telling me to back the fuck off, but in a nice way. I hold out talking to him because I'm in hope that he'll want to start up the conversation with me, and then I will know that he cares at least a little. I'm being silly again, I know he cares for me greatly, but it just panics me greatly when we haven't talked for a little while and things are not right between us. I say 'not right' between us, but this is how things are supposedly going to be from now on. Wow, this makes me sad. I had such high hopes for us.. I really need to let the fuck go.
I finally finished my 2000 word coursework on animal testing today, after three days of working on it. I'm greatly interested in the subject of animal testing, but for all the wrong reasons. While completing the coursework I've been getting rather emotional because of the topic, and hormones definitely have not been helping. The topic that mainly got me angry and upset was research that was being done on animals; monkeys being used for Parkinson's disease, mice being used for cancer research, and rats being used for stem cell research.
(A paragraph from my coursework) "Research was carried out to
restore locomotion after permanent paralysis of the hind limbs due to damaged
spinal cords. A machine was created to provide support with gravity but not
aid in forward direction for rats to walk in a safe environment. The rats would
first gain ability to perform one or two steps, then gradually sprint over
ground and climb steps. Through applying electrical stimulation into the spinal
cord it enabled the brain to establish new connexions in the spinal cord to
send instructions to walk". It all seems fine and dandy in my coursework, but really they DISABLED a rat, and the FORCED it to walk.
Sacrificing an animal's life in aid of a human's life is not at all acceptable to me, I find it absolutely disgusting and all people who agree with animal research should be disgusted with themselves. I only find animal testing to be acceptable when it benefits the animals themselves. Worsening the life of one to make a life of another better isn't understandable. It's a selfish thing for me to say, but I honestly couldn't care less about people with problems where the problems are trying to be solved through animal research. I refuse to donate money to charities such as cancer research as they're not 'heroes' at all, they're disgraceful and I hope everyone involved burns to death. The life of one animal is far more important in my eyes than one million humans. It does not make sense to not use humans for research that is for HUMANS. I would happily watch any human that has done a wrong to be put in the place of an animal at an animal testing laboratory. Even if someone got sent to prison for something minor like stealing a chocolate bar, why not replace them for the animal that has done no wrong in it's life. I would not have a problem with seeing children purposely bred to be used for research, if it is acceptable to be done with animals, why exclude humans.
The topic has got me angry once again. Why not cut out the middle man and save all the animals from suffering when there is no need to do so. Everyone needs to stop being so selfish, so foolish and instead look the fuck around.
Enough of that now, onto the subject of the ex. After our talk over two weeks ago (damn that has gone quickly) everything has been rather strange and 'off' with us, which I suppose is understandable. It went a week until today that we hadn't spoken to each other, which I honestly hadn't thought about all that much until the past couple of days. Not speaking to him for a few days is weird enough for me, and a week is far too long as it greatly impacts my mood in a negative way. I wanted to talk to him, and I had the chance to, I just didn't feel like I should. I definitely wanted to speak to him before this, but only until the last couple of days had I felt like I really wanted to, and I didn't feel as if he would want me speaking to him. As it was him that set the standard of us to giving ourselves distance, I feel as if he has the upper hand in the situation and is telling me to back the fuck off, but in a nice way. I hold out talking to him because I'm in hope that he'll want to start up the conversation with me, and then I will know that he cares at least a little. I'm being silly again, I know he cares for me greatly, but it just panics me greatly when we haven't talked for a little while and things are not right between us. I say 'not right' between us, but this is how things are supposedly going to be from now on. Wow, this makes me sad. I had such high hopes for us.. I really need to let the fuck go.
24thJanuary2013
I had a phone call with the ex last night. It was a short one of 20 minutes long. I loved talking to him, but I hated how casual it was. I want to talk to him in a way that shows him how much I truly care about him, but that's not what he wants any more. My excuse for phoning him was to tell him that I had booked tickets for us to go to a concert, one that we had already planned and discussed. Of course I could have easily sent him a message notifying him this, and it was a bit of a pathetic reason. I didn't give myself enough time to think of a reason for phoning him, it happened before I realised, and then it was to late to stop phoning him. In the end he did miss the call, but phoned back a while later. I had an expectation of him to invite a fair amount of people to the concert we would be going to, but when asked he replied that there's no one else (meaning it would be just the two of us). He knows full well that I won't let us not stay together that night once back from London, but I guess we can worry about that later. I reckon that he will be close on that night, in a way that's there to be comforting rather than to pose anything.
23rdJanuary2013
It has been a very long day of attempting coursework and failing miserly. If only I could write my coursework about my research project; The Effect of Gender, Age and Housing on the Performance of Syrian Hamsters (Mesocricetus Auratus) in a Spatial Maze like I can do about myself; I would be absolutely fine if so. This is a piece of coursework that I handed in over a month ago, but sadly referred on which means I need to get it up to standard and then re-submit it. The coursework needs to be completed by Friday the 25th of January, so I'm in deep hope that the snow will settle once again and cancel my college day.
I've been invited by my friend from college to join him at a music concert that's on this Friday. The band we would be seeing is called The Blackout, and to see them I would have to skip out on college. I am not willing to cut off one of my college days, especially at the moment when I have so much coursework to get through and so much to learn. The Blackout are a good band from what I've heard, however I have only listened to very few of their songs. Concerts are much better when you're really into the band and can sing along to most of their songs, this is most definitely something I can't do with this band. I would have gone, but he just needs to plan it at a better time!
My parents have once again done their usual thing of arguing on a Wednesday night. This is due to my dad thinking this is an acceptable night to drink, and he seems to do so every week even though he has work the next day. He's highly irritating when he drinks, as he brings people home who are also drunk. It's even worse the next morning though, as he's in such a terrible mood and he treats both mum and me absolutely terribly. Mother does try to stop him from drinking on weekdays, but he does it anyway as he has no respect for either of us. It angers me greatly at how unappreciative of us he is, he often acts as if he doesn't want to be in a family and he would rather be with his friends. He does honestly put his friends before his family, and we truly are sick of it.
My parents went through a rough patch around a year ago, as my dad was doing drugs (again). My mother was deeply upset and hurt about it, as she had him promise her that he wouldn't touch it ever again. They 'broke up', and even though it's not a rightful thing of me to say, I preferred it that way. My father was a lot less arrogant and it was a much nicer house to live in as the two of them weren't talking, thus no arguments. After a little while they of course made up, but she will never trust him again, and I don't blame her in the slightest.
I've been invited by my friend from college to join him at a music concert that's on this Friday. The band we would be seeing is called The Blackout, and to see them I would have to skip out on college. I am not willing to cut off one of my college days, especially at the moment when I have so much coursework to get through and so much to learn. The Blackout are a good band from what I've heard, however I have only listened to very few of their songs. Concerts are much better when you're really into the band and can sing along to most of their songs, this is most definitely something I can't do with this band. I would have gone, but he just needs to plan it at a better time!
My parents have once again done their usual thing of arguing on a Wednesday night. This is due to my dad thinking this is an acceptable night to drink, and he seems to do so every week even though he has work the next day. He's highly irritating when he drinks, as he brings people home who are also drunk. It's even worse the next morning though, as he's in such a terrible mood and he treats both mum and me absolutely terribly. Mother does try to stop him from drinking on weekdays, but he does it anyway as he has no respect for either of us. It angers me greatly at how unappreciative of us he is, he often acts as if he doesn't want to be in a family and he would rather be with his friends. He does honestly put his friends before his family, and we truly are sick of it.
My parents went through a rough patch around a year ago, as my dad was doing drugs (again). My mother was deeply upset and hurt about it, as she had him promise her that he wouldn't touch it ever again. They 'broke up', and even though it's not a rightful thing of me to say, I preferred it that way. My father was a lot less arrogant and it was a much nicer house to live in as the two of them weren't talking, thus no arguments. After a little while they of course made up, but she will never trust him again, and I don't blame her in the slightest.
18thJanuary2013
My snow day has pleased me greatly. Not only did I get a day off college, I got to spend time with my friends, make a new friend, and completely de-stress in the snow. I am a person who loves the snow, and I can't ever remember a time where I have complained about the snow or been angry because of it. It rarely happens, so I appreciate it when I can. Luckily I have a golf course very close by my house, one that is great for sledging and socialising. My theory is that people want to play out in the snow, but only when it is not snowing at that very moment. My friends and I went up to the golf course while it was still snowing, and it was a lot less crowded than it usually is. One of my friends brought a snowboard along, which came in handy getting down the hill when it was time to leave with all of our bin lids and sledge. I really would love to snowboard, however I don't think I would ever be that good a it as I have a lack of balance.
17thJanuary2013
As I'm so use to skipping out on classes to finish off coursework that's due in, I have promised myself that I will not skip out on any today or tomorrow, and instead try to get all of my Ecology coursework done this evening and in my lunch breaks. I couldn't see this going well for me at all, but luckily there was something that gave me great hope. Firstly my Friday day at college has been called off as snow seems to be interfering with buses. Even if it does not snow heavy, there will still not be college. Secondly the class have been given an extension until Monday on the coursework; we are all very pleased about this and cannot thank our supportive teacher enough.
All of college went well today, apart from our last module which was Business. Our teacher arrived late by thirty minutes (1/3 of the lesson time). She didn't have an excuse for it, even left early and made the lesson absolutely boring. None of our class were happy with her, and most were greatly angry. My main problem is that I have paid for this course, and for her to not educate us is totally out of order. It's not even like this is the first time it's happened, she insists that our lesson starts fifteen minutes later than it does, even after the head of the course telling her it's not on multiple occasions. In my opinion she has a very bad way of teaching that makes the boring subject more boring. I'm still irritated by her being late, but hopefully she will step up soon otherwise I'm sure she'll be fired in no time!
All of college went well today, apart from our last module which was Business. Our teacher arrived late by thirty minutes (1/3 of the lesson time). She didn't have an excuse for it, even left early and made the lesson absolutely boring. None of our class were happy with her, and most were greatly angry. My main problem is that I have paid for this course, and for her to not educate us is totally out of order. It's not even like this is the first time it's happened, she insists that our lesson starts fifteen minutes later than it does, even after the head of the course telling her it's not on multiple occasions. In my opinion she has a very bad way of teaching that makes the boring subject more boring. I'm still irritated by her being late, but hopefully she will step up soon otherwise I'm sure she'll be fired in no time!
15thJanuary2013
I've finally got a little annoyed at the conversation and situation with the ex. It angers me that he's finally putting a stop to everything, that he's that interested in a girl enough to think it's worth mentioning to me, and that it's all happened so fast since the last talk we had a conversation about him not wanting to be in a relationship at all. I'm feeling much better about it all than I was a couple days after he first told me though. I did and do still kind of assume that things will still happen between the both of us, and then a mutual agreement afterwards that it shouldn't still be happening, and repeat.
A few hours later and I'm not feeling too sad about the conversation with the ex, I think it resulted well but of course it could have gone a lot better. I am still feeling sad about the whole situation though, but that's what I do when I'm given a deep conversation to think over.
The gym hasn't been too bad today, however I have been feeling rather self concious about it. I can't help but think about what people must be thinking about my health, and my exercise ability. I shouldn't worry too much, as it's obvious that there's far worse people in the facility than me, but still it comes naturally to panic about what people think about me. The gym went surprisingly better than I expected it to, and I'm feeling rather positively towards it now. I'm even looking forward to the gym on Friday, which is not something that anyone that knows me would expect in the slightest. My friend and I have booked our training programmes, meaning that the trainers will put us on a training scheme and monitor our progress, making us push ourselves harder.
Mother and me have been sorting through random bits and bobs that have been in the loft this evening. It's been really nice to find items that I haven't seen in months, there's been a lot of nostalgia been going on. The best thing I found in the loft was a valentines card from my ex ex, it was adorably done and it was absolutely perfect. It's most definitely the most thought about gift I have ever received from a boyfriend, and I can't see myself ever getting rid of it. Inside was a sweet note that he typed up, it said something along the lines of how he's watched enough telly to know that he's supposed to ask me to be his valentines, I'd say yes, and then we'd share a special kiss. I feel like I should be able to feel happy over that card years on, so I will!
A few hours later and I'm not feeling too sad about the conversation with the ex, I think it resulted well but of course it could have gone a lot better. I am still feeling sad about the whole situation though, but that's what I do when I'm given a deep conversation to think over.
The gym hasn't been too bad today, however I have been feeling rather self concious about it. I can't help but think about what people must be thinking about my health, and my exercise ability. I shouldn't worry too much, as it's obvious that there's far worse people in the facility than me, but still it comes naturally to panic about what people think about me. The gym went surprisingly better than I expected it to, and I'm feeling rather positively towards it now. I'm even looking forward to the gym on Friday, which is not something that anyone that knows me would expect in the slightest. My friend and I have booked our training programmes, meaning that the trainers will put us on a training scheme and monitor our progress, making us push ourselves harder.
Mother and me have been sorting through random bits and bobs that have been in the loft this evening. It's been really nice to find items that I haven't seen in months, there's been a lot of nostalgia been going on. The best thing I found in the loft was a valentines card from my ex ex, it was adorably done and it was absolutely perfect. It's most definitely the most thought about gift I have ever received from a boyfriend, and I can't see myself ever getting rid of it. Inside was a sweet note that he typed up, it said something along the lines of how he's watched enough telly to know that he's supposed to ask me to be his valentines, I'd say yes, and then we'd share a special kiss. I feel like I should be able to feel happy over that card years on, so I will!
14thJanuary2013
Although it was only yesterday that I last saw my ex, I was ready to see him again. I had a sense of urge to see him, which is something I use to get a lot throughout the first few months of dating. I feel this is related to how strongly I'm feeling for him at the time. Today though, it was so that I could talk deeply with him about remaining friends.
I haven't done much earlier in the day, so I'll snap right into it. There was a lot of talking being done over nothing, as I wanted to put the conversation off for as long as possible and spend as much time being happy with him as I could. My thoughts are that perhaps we shouldn't be friends any more, or remain in contact. Cutting off the relationship may make things better for the both of us, as we're both absolutely hopeless when we're with each other and I'm still locked in love with him. We've had this conversation quite a few times since he broke up with me, and it always results in the same outcome of us remaining friends and sorting out our problems as we go along. I don't want to stop talking to him at all, but it could make things better for the both of us. I don't believe that it will be easy for me to not feel pain about him being in a relationship, so my preference would be to protect myself by not talking to him. This is not currently happening, so I don't feel like I want to stop talking to him or that I could. Not talking to him would be really hard, and I don't believe the outcome would be worth the pain of missing him. I brought it up with him so that he would make the decision for me, but that didn't go as well as I planned as had just as much of a problem as me at making a decision. We finally decided to remain talking, but try to keep apart a little as every time we get together we end up being intimate, just like tonight. It started with me sitting on his lap for warmth as we were outside in the car, along with the obvious feeling of wanting to be close to him. One thing lead to another and after it all he said 'you're right Amy', meaning that we do need to distance ourselves. I was a little hurt after he said that, however he never once said that he wants to stop talking. Again he mentioned that he wants to remain friends even if he's in a relationship, and he even said that the girl would never get a choice in our friendship; if she didn't agree with us being friends then the two of them would go separate ways. Although he is willing to put a relationship before my feelings, he would never put our friendship behind a relationship. Him being so kind about the situation really made me feel safe with us, we really have stuck as good friends through so much. I appreciate our friendship very much, it is truly something beautiful.
I haven't done much earlier in the day, so I'll snap right into it. There was a lot of talking being done over nothing, as I wanted to put the conversation off for as long as possible and spend as much time being happy with him as I could. My thoughts are that perhaps we shouldn't be friends any more, or remain in contact. Cutting off the relationship may make things better for the both of us, as we're both absolutely hopeless when we're with each other and I'm still locked in love with him. We've had this conversation quite a few times since he broke up with me, and it always results in the same outcome of us remaining friends and sorting out our problems as we go along. I don't want to stop talking to him at all, but it could make things better for the both of us. I don't believe that it will be easy for me to not feel pain about him being in a relationship, so my preference would be to protect myself by not talking to him. This is not currently happening, so I don't feel like I want to stop talking to him or that I could. Not talking to him would be really hard, and I don't believe the outcome would be worth the pain of missing him. I brought it up with him so that he would make the decision for me, but that didn't go as well as I planned as had just as much of a problem as me at making a decision. We finally decided to remain talking, but try to keep apart a little as every time we get together we end up being intimate, just like tonight. It started with me sitting on his lap for warmth as we were outside in the car, along with the obvious feeling of wanting to be close to him. One thing lead to another and after it all he said 'you're right Amy', meaning that we do need to distance ourselves. I was a little hurt after he said that, however he never once said that he wants to stop talking. Again he mentioned that he wants to remain friends even if he's in a relationship, and he even said that the girl would never get a choice in our friendship; if she didn't agree with us being friends then the two of them would go separate ways. Although he is willing to put a relationship before my feelings, he would never put our friendship behind a relationship. Him being so kind about the situation really made me feel safe with us, we really have stuck as good friends through so much. I appreciate our friendship very much, it is truly something beautiful.
13thJanuary2013
It was a late drinking evening for me. It ended with the ex in my arms, which was truly beautiful. It wasn't properly planned for him to stay over, but I asked once again at the end of the night and he kindly accepted. It wasn't a hard choice, but it was an important one none the less; choosing between staying at the event with the ex, or following the guy who I like to the pub close by. I shamefully followed the ex back into the club and consumed even more alcohol. I've worked it out to be 6-7 pints of Strongbow, two cans of Strongbow, and a little mix of alcohol I made before I went out of the house that I had drank in the night. I am proud of how much I drank without passing out or throwing up, it's a real achievement for me. The ex ex kindly gave us all a lift back to my house, and then made his way home. I was very happy that the ex was stating over, but I probably should have been a little less drunk for it. It seemed normal to be bringing him back home with me, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Even though we said we wouldn't be having any more intimacy, it still got heated between us, even in the morning when we were both sober.
Now thinking back to it, I do feel bad for the friend of mine that was staying over that night, as he seems to have big feelings towards me. I'm a terrible person for bringing the ex back, but I seriously can't waste any chances with us when things are getting so cold between us. My friend didn't bug us in the morning, which I appreciate greatly, he truly is a kind person.
We laid in bed for ages in the morning, as we would have usually done while we were dating. Waking up with him is something I seriously enjoy, everything is always so relaxed and it feels so natural. I seriously don't want to live my life any other way than having him as the main person in my life, but he's forcing me to change that.
I had obviously smoked far too much the night before, as my chest was very tight for the whole of the next day. I can't imagine being hungover all day helped either, but I managed to sleep through most of that. I first went to sleep at around 4 in the morning, I woke at 12 in the afternoon, went back to sleep at 4 in the afternoon, and then woke for a final time at 10 in the evening.
It was a beautiful early morning I spent with him, and I really do hope that I get to share that some time again soon!
Now thinking back to it, I do feel bad for the friend of mine that was staying over that night, as he seems to have big feelings towards me. I'm a terrible person for bringing the ex back, but I seriously can't waste any chances with us when things are getting so cold between us. My friend didn't bug us in the morning, which I appreciate greatly, he truly is a kind person.
We laid in bed for ages in the morning, as we would have usually done while we were dating. Waking up with him is something I seriously enjoy, everything is always so relaxed and it feels so natural. I seriously don't want to live my life any other way than having him as the main person in my life, but he's forcing me to change that.
I had obviously smoked far too much the night before, as my chest was very tight for the whole of the next day. I can't imagine being hungover all day helped either, but I managed to sleep through most of that. I first went to sleep at around 4 in the morning, I woke at 12 in the afternoon, went back to sleep at 4 in the afternoon, and then woke for a final time at 10 in the evening.
It was a beautiful early morning I spent with him, and I really do hope that I get to share that some time again soon!
12thJanuary2013
My day started off worrying about the evening, which wasn't positive in the slightest. I had very low hopes of having a good evening, simply because the ex would be there and we've been having troubles at the moment. My worst thought was that the girl he likes would be there, which I can only imagine would send me crazy. I would assume that they would be all over each other, as they would most likely be drinking and I would be at the back of his mind. Having huge feelings like this towards someone is not fun, it mucks around with my head.
The day itself hasn't been that bad. I managed to wake up at eleven fifty-five in the morning, which is huge achievement for me as of late. The long sleep was due to my late bed time, and my avoidance of a friend staying over. I'm not very sociable in the mornings, so this was best for all of us. I've been left a little sore from being waxed; under-arms, and legs which are not in pain. I also got my eyebrows threaded, which satisfies me greatly as out-of-control eyebrows are not attractive in the slightest.
Lets get started on the night.. After a little alcohol intake I was feeling excited for the night, but still understandably worried of what would come. I received a call from him a little before I left the house, asking if I was there yet as he was by himself. He asked me to call him when I got there, but I felt like I had the upper-hand by not doing so; I like feeling in-control, which is not something that I have often with him. When we arrived the best friend pointed out who she thought was him, but instead it was his lookalike, my friend who I'm somewhat attracted to because of who he resembles. We jumped in the queue with them, for the ex and the ex-ex to shortly arrive. I don't see any happiness that it brought me, but I didn't turn around to say hello, instead I pretended I hadn't seen them, perhaps in hope that they would walk straight past. I didn't want them to walk past, and in actual fact I would have probably been pretty annoyed if they did, but I guess it was just an attempt to control my feelings. The night started off with both of us saying very little to each other. I did want to talk to him, but I had no clue what to say without making it seem as if something was wrong, so instead I gave him the impression that something was wrong by starting no conversation. A little while into the gig we all went outside for a cigarette, I was a little annoyed with him, but truthfully I wanted him there. I overheard a conversation between him and the best friend about how I was avoiding him, I guess I was, but this can be put in relation to me not knowing what to say to him. After a short time he offered me a cigarette and we got talking properly, I think the conversation of me not avoiding him arouse, but I can't promise that as I was a little intoxicated. After that it was pretty much fine, although I didn't see him much of the night and instead spent it with the other four which were on the same gig level as me, which is to avoid the mosh pits at all costs. It was the after-party that started making it up for me and the ex, which was nice as I felt interested in, as if he cared. It was very nice to spend a drunken night out at a gig with him, and I hope to do it again soon.
All in all it was a good night, however I can't put much conversation into how the bands were, as obviously my head was somewhere else. It was Funeral For A Friend playing, supported by Freeze The Atlantic and My Preserver.
We then headed back to my house, with a kind lift from the ex-ex. I once again invited the ex to stay over mine for the night (as we had planned before things went to mush), and he surprisingly accepted.
The day itself hasn't been that bad. I managed to wake up at eleven fifty-five in the morning, which is huge achievement for me as of late. The long sleep was due to my late bed time, and my avoidance of a friend staying over. I'm not very sociable in the mornings, so this was best for all of us. I've been left a little sore from being waxed; under-arms, and legs which are not in pain. I also got my eyebrows threaded, which satisfies me greatly as out-of-control eyebrows are not attractive in the slightest.
Lets get started on the night.. After a little alcohol intake I was feeling excited for the night, but still understandably worried of what would come. I received a call from him a little before I left the house, asking if I was there yet as he was by himself. He asked me to call him when I got there, but I felt like I had the upper-hand by not doing so; I like feeling in-control, which is not something that I have often with him. When we arrived the best friend pointed out who she thought was him, but instead it was his lookalike, my friend who I'm somewhat attracted to because of who he resembles. We jumped in the queue with them, for the ex and the ex-ex to shortly arrive. I don't see any happiness that it brought me, but I didn't turn around to say hello, instead I pretended I hadn't seen them, perhaps in hope that they would walk straight past. I didn't want them to walk past, and in actual fact I would have probably been pretty annoyed if they did, but I guess it was just an attempt to control my feelings. The night started off with both of us saying very little to each other. I did want to talk to him, but I had no clue what to say without making it seem as if something was wrong, so instead I gave him the impression that something was wrong by starting no conversation. A little while into the gig we all went outside for a cigarette, I was a little annoyed with him, but truthfully I wanted him there. I overheard a conversation between him and the best friend about how I was avoiding him, I guess I was, but this can be put in relation to me not knowing what to say to him. After a short time he offered me a cigarette and we got talking properly, I think the conversation of me not avoiding him arouse, but I can't promise that as I was a little intoxicated. After that it was pretty much fine, although I didn't see him much of the night and instead spent it with the other four which were on the same gig level as me, which is to avoid the mosh pits at all costs. It was the after-party that started making it up for me and the ex, which was nice as I felt interested in, as if he cared. It was very nice to spend a drunken night out at a gig with him, and I hope to do it again soon.
All in all it was a good night, however I can't put much conversation into how the bands were, as obviously my head was somewhere else. It was Funeral For A Friend playing, supported by Freeze The Atlantic and My Preserver.
We then headed back to my house, with a kind lift from the ex-ex. I once again invited the ex to stay over mine for the night (as we had planned before things went to mush), and he surprisingly accepted.
11thJanuary2013
Being with a friend who likes you more than that, isn't such a nice thing. Although he knows I don't have feelings towards him, he stays in hope. I guess I can blame myself for this as some 'what goes around, comes around' thing, but god dammit. My friend's having to stay at my place tonight and tomorrow night as we're going out see a band and he won't be able to get back to his accommodation until Sunday. I do enjoy spending time with him, and I somewhat like the attention, however it's not fun having to tell him the same thing time and time again. He is a lovely person, but he doesn't realise that he's going to end up hurting himself if he carries on this way. I have a tendency to lead people on, and then leave them standing. It's not a purposeful action, but it happens because I get confused with my feelings and end up kissing them. I hope this doesn't happen with him on our drunken Saturday night out, but I suppose he will try. He is setting himself up for false hope.
College was not the greatest today, as I had to finish off another piece of coursework and get it handed in. I managed to get it all done, but that was by working through my lunch, and missing two lessons (three hours). I feel better now that it's been done, but this panic feeling comes around weekly as we tend to have a 2000 word report to hand in every Friday. The two lessons that I did go to were nice, as I understood what we were talking about well, and it was nice to spend time with friends.
This evening I have been to my families house, from around seven pm to one am. I had to drive back home afterwards, which went rather well considering how tired and cold I was, but I think this is mainly due to how many cars weren't on the road. I talked a little with my cousin over the whole ex situation, and she asked me how I was feeling about it all. I'm not sure how I feel exactly, I'm just trying to ignore the situation until I am forced to deal with it, which seems like it may be tomorrow as that will be when I will be seeing him, with a possible her there too. I played with my little cousin who is seven?, it's nice and relaxes me as it means I can act like a child again. Unfortunately I still have the same temperament as a little child, but still it was nice.
10thJanuary2013
Once again I have gone and done the silly thing of leaving my coursework for the last minute. I didn't consider that I would be knackered from my first day back at college either, which is not a good mix at all. I've decided to give up on coursework for the night, and instead attempt it at college in the morning as I'll be getting there early because I'm driving. This week has not been a good one for course work in the slightest. I'm not too stressed at the moment thankfully, but I think that's due to my tiredness.
The 'lovely' college day was started off with a dissection of a sheep's lung for my Anatomy and Physiology module. The lesson didn't go too well at all! Throughout my life I have managed to avoid all dissections other than one in secondary school, and we have had a fair few in my two years at college. I didn't think I would be able to keep myself in the room, and I was damn right. I'm not fond of blood, I don't like dead animals, and the stench was overpowering. I didn't face any of the animal parts, instead got awful glimpses of them every now and again when I wasn't being careful enough. I'm not entirely sure why, but seeing dissections make me want to cry, I'd say that it's now more down to that I'm scared of them, rather than them making me feel like I'm unwell. Today was not good for my fear of blood at all.
The following three subjects at college I can skip through as we didn't do all that much in any of them. The second lesson was Nutrition, third was Project, and fourth was Business. I didn't particularly like any of them, and I don't feel like I learned much either. This year in comparison to the level three that I completed is very poor. In the level three I was enjoying myself greatly, getting reasonable grades, and being taught properly. I know that all of our teachers do a lot for us, but truthfully I feel that there is a lot more that they could be doing. I want to be able to be proud of my work, but so far that's not happened. Perhaps I will feel better in the summer, it seems to be nicer at college when it is summer.
Something that has been brought to my attention in the past few days is my best friend's need to have a sexual partner in her life. I think she's at her all time low at the moment, as she is sleeping with her boss, who has a girlfriend, at the workplace. I think it's disgusting that she's allowing him to use her like that, I'm disgusted with how this situation ever arouse, I think it's disgusting to have sex in the workplace, and I think it's disgusting to cheat while you are in a relationship. I don't approve of my best friend's habits at all, but in a way I am thankful, as she's opened my eyes up to what I do not want to be like. I literally look at my best friend and think about how much I would hate to be her. Sleeping around is disgraceful, and I hope she one day realises this.
The 'lovely' college day was started off with a dissection of a sheep's lung for my Anatomy and Physiology module. The lesson didn't go too well at all! Throughout my life I have managed to avoid all dissections other than one in secondary school, and we have had a fair few in my two years at college. I didn't think I would be able to keep myself in the room, and I was damn right. I'm not fond of blood, I don't like dead animals, and the stench was overpowering. I didn't face any of the animal parts, instead got awful glimpses of them every now and again when I wasn't being careful enough. I'm not entirely sure why, but seeing dissections make me want to cry, I'd say that it's now more down to that I'm scared of them, rather than them making me feel like I'm unwell. Today was not good for my fear of blood at all.
The following three subjects at college I can skip through as we didn't do all that much in any of them. The second lesson was Nutrition, third was Project, and fourth was Business. I didn't particularly like any of them, and I don't feel like I learned much either. This year in comparison to the level three that I completed is very poor. In the level three I was enjoying myself greatly, getting reasonable grades, and being taught properly. I know that all of our teachers do a lot for us, but truthfully I feel that there is a lot more that they could be doing. I want to be able to be proud of my work, but so far that's not happened. Perhaps I will feel better in the summer, it seems to be nicer at college when it is summer.
Something that has been brought to my attention in the past few days is my best friend's need to have a sexual partner in her life. I think she's at her all time low at the moment, as she is sleeping with her boss, who has a girlfriend, at the workplace. I think it's disgusting that she's allowing him to use her like that, I'm disgusted with how this situation ever arouse, I think it's disgusting to have sex in the workplace, and I think it's disgusting to cheat while you are in a relationship. I don't approve of my best friend's habits at all, but in a way I am thankful, as she's opened my eyes up to what I do not want to be like. I literally look at my best friend and think about how much I would hate to be her. Sleeping around is disgraceful, and I hope she one day realises this.
9thJanuary2013
All the many feelings from the past few days are finally dying down now, which I think is because I haven't talked to him at all today. Surprisingly I am not upset that we have not talked, instead I think it has given me some time to calm down and think about it properly. I can't see the next time we meet up going well though, as it will be at a gig night where I will be drinking and his possible hoe will be there. If she is, I will be so mad and will end up getting absolutely hammered. I'm planning to get hammered anyway, but her being there
would just make matters worse.
I have to build a hamster maze for a college project; the effect of sex, age and housing on a Syrian hamster (Mesocricetus Auratus) in a spatial maze. It's been a long evening of battling with coursework, but the design for the maze seems to be all finished, and now all that's left is the actual making of the maze. The maze will work out to three feet by three feet wide and either five or six inches high. My assumption will be that males will do better than females in the maze from past research, and that younger hamsters will do better than the older, however I have not yet got an opinion on if there will be an affect from housing. It was a project that I thought up and researched about myself, it's a long piece of coursework and will last until April.
My final baby hamster was taken away today. I'm feeling a little sad that they're all gone now, but it puts me at peace knowing that they're probably in a better home now. I say this because I'm sure they'll get more attention at the other homes, as keeping just six hamsters is a lot to give attention to. If I just gave them 10 minutes attention each, that already takes up an hour of my evening. I do love the babies, but I feel they have gone to good homes.
In all honesty though, I have not got much done with my day. The whole day was supposed to be spent doing coursework, but I managed to allow websites and television to distract me for most of the afternoon. All that is safe to say, is that I am not looking forward to tomorrow! It is my first day back to college since the winter holidays, and I don't appreciate mornings one little bit.
would just make matters worse.
I have to build a hamster maze for a college project; the effect of sex, age and housing on a Syrian hamster (Mesocricetus Auratus) in a spatial maze. It's been a long evening of battling with coursework, but the design for the maze seems to be all finished, and now all that's left is the actual making of the maze. The maze will work out to three feet by three feet wide and either five or six inches high. My assumption will be that males will do better than females in the maze from past research, and that younger hamsters will do better than the older, however I have not yet got an opinion on if there will be an affect from housing. It was a project that I thought up and researched about myself, it's a long piece of coursework and will last until April.
My final baby hamster was taken away today. I'm feeling a little sad that they're all gone now, but it puts me at peace knowing that they're probably in a better home now. I say this because I'm sure they'll get more attention at the other homes, as keeping just six hamsters is a lot to give attention to. If I just gave them 10 minutes attention each, that already takes up an hour of my evening. I do love the babies, but I feel they have gone to good homes.
In all honesty though, I have not got much done with my day. The whole day was supposed to be spent doing coursework, but I managed to allow websites and television to distract me for most of the afternoon. All that is safe to say, is that I am not looking forward to tomorrow! It is my first day back to college since the winter holidays, and I don't appreciate mornings one little bit.
8thJanuary2013
I've had a really nice day, it's a shame about the evening. I've spent the day with my best friend, we first went to look at two gyms, got a gym membership, chose out gym clothes, and then celebrated with food. It's a big achievement for the both of us, as neither have ever had a gym membership or done much exercise over the age of ten. My biggest worry about going to the gym was being by myself, but thankfully she mentioned the idea first and I tagged along, which she was more than happy about. I'm still a bit worried about going to the gym, especially about seeing people I know there, but I'm sure it'll go fine, and hopefully we'll both stick to it!
I'm so mad right now, after yesterdays heartache I would have thought he would want to sort things through once we've both had a bit of time to think about it all. I wouldn't have even been too bothered with us meeting up today IF HE DID NOT ASK TO. Instead he makes plans with me, allows me to get happy and excited over seeing each other, and then goes and stands me up. He phoned me at the time that he said he would be over, to ask me how I was, what I've been up to, and then let me down once again. The worst thing is that he left the whole day to tell me, instead of telling me earlier, so that I can have a little pick me with with my friend before I'm sat at home waiting for him. I really am sick of it. I can't be bothered with him right now, it is not okay.
I discussed the whole yesterday situation with my best friend, she was reasonably helpful. She somewhat knows the girl that he is interested in, and it doesn't look very good for the two of them. Apparently she's has sexual control issues, getting off with anyone available. I very much hope this is the case, as I don't feel this is the type of girl that he is into whatsoever. I don't wish things to work out for the both of them, and I hope she throws it back in his face. I will probably feel bad for saying this later, but right now I am so angry at him.
He strings me along, he knows it, but I allow him to. It's not very pure of me to allow him to do so, but I take what I can get with him. I would rather something, than nothing. He finally realised yesterday that what he has been doing for these nearly two years, is not right. It has not been fair on me, and he wants to stop it even if nothing escalates with this new girl. I completely understand him, I want it to stop too, but I'm far too afraid to let go of what we have.
I'm so mad right now, after yesterdays heartache I would have thought he would want to sort things through once we've both had a bit of time to think about it all. I wouldn't have even been too bothered with us meeting up today IF HE DID NOT ASK TO. Instead he makes plans with me, allows me to get happy and excited over seeing each other, and then goes and stands me up. He phoned me at the time that he said he would be over, to ask me how I was, what I've been up to, and then let me down once again. The worst thing is that he left the whole day to tell me, instead of telling me earlier, so that I can have a little pick me with with my friend before I'm sat at home waiting for him. I really am sick of it. I can't be bothered with him right now, it is not okay.
I discussed the whole yesterday situation with my best friend, she was reasonably helpful. She somewhat knows the girl that he is interested in, and it doesn't look very good for the two of them. Apparently she's has sexual control issues, getting off with anyone available. I very much hope this is the case, as I don't feel this is the type of girl that he is into whatsoever. I don't wish things to work out for the both of them, and I hope she throws it back in his face. I will probably feel bad for saying this later, but right now I am so angry at him.
He strings me along, he knows it, but I allow him to. It's not very pure of me to allow him to do so, but I take what I can get with him. I would rather something, than nothing. He finally realised yesterday that what he has been doing for these nearly two years, is not right. It has not been fair on me, and he wants to stop it even if nothing escalates with this new girl. I completely understand him, I want it to stop too, but I'm far too afraid to let go of what we have.
7thJanuary2013
I feel so numb, and I don't know what to do with myself. The one that I'm closest to has finally decided to distance ourselves. My ex (who I mentioned yesterday) has met someone else who he is interested in, making it the right time for him to let go of the relationship that we had. Ever since he broke up with me (nearly two years ago) we have carried on the relationship, by keeping the same closeness and intimacy. We had a big talk the last time we saw each other, discussing the possibility of getting with other people and what would happen if he got in a relationship with someone. It's all happened so quickly, and I don't see any way that I could change anything. Truthfully I do not feel like I could be friends with him if it was not me that he was in a relationship with. I will try my best to remain friends, but it will truly be hard. They say the worst pain you can feel is seeing the one you love, love someone else. Talking about it today was hard enough, it was like I was being broke up with all over again. I have never managed to stop loving him through these two years, it would have been difficult enough with us staying friends, but we were so much more than that. It hit me hard, as I've never really thought about us ending the intimacy we have. I'm feeling shit about it now, and I don't even want to imagine what it will be like for me when they get together. I'm very appreciative for him telling me, but this has really kicked me in the face. The thought that he likes a girl more than me makes me feel sick, and it's already making me crazy. I'm deadly in love with him, and I want nothing more than for us to be back together and happy.
He does care about me, and he will support me through this, however there's only so much that he can do. Whenever something was wrong in my life, I knew I could always turn to him. The new girl will really make me distance myself from him, as I cannot even look at his face without feeling sad that it's not me that he has feelings for and wants to be with. I don't understand how he thinks I can be around him, without making a move on him. I trust him not to cheat on this new girl once they get in a relationship, but I honestly can't resist.
I can imagine getting myself in a relationship with someone else would really help me, although as I mentioned yesterday, being in a relationship with someone else is not possible as I feel so much towards him. I don't want to consider being in a relationship with someone other than him, but I feel I may have to force myself into one. I don't reckon I could hide my feelings for him away from someone else, so I guess that the chance of a relationship is still out of the question.
I knew this day would eventually come, with us stopping this closeness that we have, but I never thought that it would be because of someone else. I seriously would love to crawl into a corner and die right now, but thankfully (I suppose) I'm not that stupid to do something like that any more. I do believe distancing ourselves will help me get over him, but I've only once been brave* enough to do so. It wasn't so much me being brave though, it was more to do with that my life was really going downhill and I had to distance myself from everyone.
She really is getting everything that I have ever wanted. It's hard to let any of this happen, but I've got no voice in what happens. He has said that he would rather be friends with me than in a relationship with anyone else, but that wouldn't be at all fair of me to say that I'll stop talking to him to cope with the situation in hope that he chooses not to be in a relationship. I want to be friends with him, I really do, but I cannot promise that it will last.
He does care about me, and he will support me through this, however there's only so much that he can do. Whenever something was wrong in my life, I knew I could always turn to him. The new girl will really make me distance myself from him, as I cannot even look at his face without feeling sad that it's not me that he has feelings for and wants to be with. I don't understand how he thinks I can be around him, without making a move on him. I trust him not to cheat on this new girl once they get in a relationship, but I honestly can't resist.
I can imagine getting myself in a relationship with someone else would really help me, although as I mentioned yesterday, being in a relationship with someone else is not possible as I feel so much towards him. I don't want to consider being in a relationship with someone other than him, but I feel I may have to force myself into one. I don't reckon I could hide my feelings for him away from someone else, so I guess that the chance of a relationship is still out of the question.
I knew this day would eventually come, with us stopping this closeness that we have, but I never thought that it would be because of someone else. I seriously would love to crawl into a corner and die right now, but thankfully (I suppose) I'm not that stupid to do something like that any more. I do believe distancing ourselves will help me get over him, but I've only once been brave* enough to do so. It wasn't so much me being brave though, it was more to do with that my life was really going downhill and I had to distance myself from everyone.
She really is getting everything that I have ever wanted. It's hard to let any of this happen, but I've got no voice in what happens. He has said that he would rather be friends with me than in a relationship with anyone else, but that wouldn't be at all fair of me to say that I'll stop talking to him to cope with the situation in hope that he chooses not to be in a relationship. I want to be friends with him, I really do, but I cannot promise that it will last.
6thJanuary2013
I'm tired and I've just been watching a film with a feature of love within it, sadly resulting in me thinking.. I would love to fall in love with someone who loves me equally, in a girlfriend / boyfriend kind of way opposed to the friendship or family kind of love. It's difficult at the moment though, as I am already in love with someone. Unfortunately for me, they do not feel the same way. I'd like to think that they once loved me, but my mind now says that they never quite did, or it just wasn't that strong to make them want to fight to make the relationship work. There's so many things I regret from my past relationship, but I still try to look at all aspects positively.
I can't say if it's him who I'm in love with, or whether it's the concept of love that I'm in love with. I'm so desperate for that feeling of closeness with somebody, knowing that you'll always be accepted by them no matter what you do.
My main reason for not being in another relationship is down to my feelings towards this guy, which leaves me to think up other pathetic reasons as to why relationships wouldn't work out between me and other people. I have had chances to be with people who genuinely like me, and would treat me very right, but they aren't him.
I don't like to focus this all around the positive side of love, but the positive memory is blocking out the negative right now.
5thJanuary2013
My day has consisted of getting ready for work, working, and spending an evening at my nans for a small family gathering which usually happens on Saturday nights. As it's the start of the year my work place decided it would be a nice time to start spring cleaning, which I'm not too keen on. My job was to take shoes off the shelf, dust the shelf, and put the shoes back onto the shelf. It wasn't a fun job, and I don't appreciate dust at all. I only managed to get half of the shoe collection done, but I'll possibly be carrying this on tomorrow through my four hour shift.
I came across a familiar face today at work, but couldn't put a name or a reason to it. It was a little embarrassing / awkward when that person approached me and said "hello, remember me then?". Once he told me his name it all came back to me. I met them at my friends private party in December 2011, which is understandable to why I wasn't remembering them completely. They were involved in a big blow out I had with my cousin at the start of the year, which led the both of us not talking for around six months. It was hard as my cousin and I were very close, but she was completely over-reacting to the situation and I was a little clueless to everything. Thankfully my cousin and I have made up now, but I wouldn't say that we are as close as we use to be. The familiar face buzzed around me while I was working, and it was a nice catch up to have, even if I did have a lot of work to get through and it wasn't a nice reminder.
There's not much to say about my family gathering, as most of my time was spent on my laptop looking through social media sites and playing games. I did enjoy my families company, but I feel it would have been more beneficial for me to go home and rest as I wasn't too lively. I'm off to sleep now though, in preparation of a long day tomorrow consisting of cleaning out my animals (fish tank, chinchilla cage and multiple hamster cages) and room, working, and then coming home to let one of the baby hamsters go.
Seems as I have not written about my baby hamsters as of yet in 2013, I will do so now. I currently only have two more baby hamsters left, one of which that has an owner that will be collecting her tomorrow. I have six of my own hamsters that I will be keeping; Mini (mum), Nibbler (dad), Scramble and Marble (boys), Mash and Barley (girls) which were from the first litter of the parents. The four babies were purposely bred, and were not planned on being kept, however the decision to keep them was made when there wasn't a lot of hamsters to sell. The second litter was not a planned pregnancy, instead the mother and father both escaped from their exercise balls at the same time. The first pregnancy didn't go too well, as quite a few of them didn't make it past the first few weeks. I think the death of the first litter was down to the fact that the mother wasn't prepared with efficient nutrients and that she was inexperienced. The second and last litter was much more successful, resulting in around seven surviving pups. The baby hamsters were very cute, and a detailed process through them growing up has been stated previously through the blog.
I came across a familiar face today at work, but couldn't put a name or a reason to it. It was a little embarrassing / awkward when that person approached me and said "hello, remember me then?". Once he told me his name it all came back to me. I met them at my friends private party in December 2011, which is understandable to why I wasn't remembering them completely. They were involved in a big blow out I had with my cousin at the start of the year, which led the both of us not talking for around six months. It was hard as my cousin and I were very close, but she was completely over-reacting to the situation and I was a little clueless to everything. Thankfully my cousin and I have made up now, but I wouldn't say that we are as close as we use to be. The familiar face buzzed around me while I was working, and it was a nice catch up to have, even if I did have a lot of work to get through and it wasn't a nice reminder.
There's not much to say about my family gathering, as most of my time was spent on my laptop looking through social media sites and playing games. I did enjoy my families company, but I feel it would have been more beneficial for me to go home and rest as I wasn't too lively. I'm off to sleep now though, in preparation of a long day tomorrow consisting of cleaning out my animals (fish tank, chinchilla cage and multiple hamster cages) and room, working, and then coming home to let one of the baby hamsters go.
Seems as I have not written about my baby hamsters as of yet in 2013, I will do so now. I currently only have two more baby hamsters left, one of which that has an owner that will be collecting her tomorrow. I have six of my own hamsters that I will be keeping; Mini (mum), Nibbler (dad), Scramble and Marble (boys), Mash and Barley (girls) which were from the first litter of the parents. The four babies were purposely bred, and were not planned on being kept, however the decision to keep them was made when there wasn't a lot of hamsters to sell. The second litter was not a planned pregnancy, instead the mother and father both escaped from their exercise balls at the same time. The first pregnancy didn't go too well, as quite a few of them didn't make it past the first few weeks. I think the death of the first litter was down to the fact that the mother wasn't prepared with efficient nutrients and that she was inexperienced. The second and last litter was much more successful, resulting in around seven surviving pups. The baby hamsters were very cute, and a detailed process through them growing up has been stated previously through the blog.
4thJanuary2013
My dreams don't like to be very nice to me at times, especially last night. First of all I was insulted by a friend saying that I was dull, and how he doesn't understand how another friend puts up with me. Next I was insulted by my ex-ex, who sad he was happy that it had been over a year that we had broken up. Lastly I was offended by being left out of going to Reading Festival, which in a way is in relation to reality.
I would love to go to Reading Festival, and plenty of other festivals for that matter, but I have many problems with them. My main issue is drugs, which I completely disapprove of. I wouldn't like to be around people doing them, but more importantly I would have little control over myself while drinking and would likely end up taking drugs. Festivals are really dirty places too, and camping is not one of my strong points, especially when I don't get time out to shower. My last problem is that I have no close friends that would want to go, and the only one that will most likely en up going, won't invite me, and it would be far too weird to spend time with their other friends.
Big Brother is an addiction of mine, however that comes and goes. I prefer the show with the normal people, opposed to the celebrities, but it's a nice warm up for the real show. I missed the opening showing last night, so instead had to watch it this morning. This is the order in which the contestants entered the house: Frankie Dettori (horse rider), Rylan Clark (xfactor 2012 contestant), Paula Hamilton (model), Tricia Penrose (actor), Ryan Moloney (actor), Gillian Taylforth (actor), Sam Robertson (actor), Lacey Banghard (glamour model), Claire Richards (vocalist), Neil Ruddock (footballer), and lastly Heidi and Spencer Pratt (actors). I have taken a liking to all of the house-mates, other than Spencer who doesn't seem to be very nice. These are all early judgements though, so I will leave it at there.
I would love to go to Reading Festival, and plenty of other festivals for that matter, but I have many problems with them. My main issue is drugs, which I completely disapprove of. I wouldn't like to be around people doing them, but more importantly I would have little control over myself while drinking and would likely end up taking drugs. Festivals are really dirty places too, and camping is not one of my strong points, especially when I don't get time out to shower. My last problem is that I have no close friends that would want to go, and the only one that will most likely en up going, won't invite me, and it would be far too weird to spend time with their other friends.
Big Brother is an addiction of mine, however that comes and goes. I prefer the show with the normal people, opposed to the celebrities, but it's a nice warm up for the real show. I missed the opening showing last night, so instead had to watch it this morning. This is the order in which the contestants entered the house: Frankie Dettori (horse rider), Rylan Clark (xfactor 2012 contestant), Paula Hamilton (model), Tricia Penrose (actor), Ryan Moloney (actor), Gillian Taylforth (actor), Sam Robertson (actor), Lacey Banghard (glamour model), Claire Richards (vocalist), Neil Ruddock (footballer), and lastly Heidi and Spencer Pratt (actors). I have taken a liking to all of the house-mates, other than Spencer who doesn't seem to be very nice. These are all early judgements though, so I will leave it at there.
3rdJanuary2013
Once again I have spent a huge part of my day playing The Sims, but I managed to control my addiction a little better today, as there was another addiction craving my attention. My other addiction is nicotine, through JPS black cigarettes. My Sims break was spent walking to shops to buy a few packets as I had ran out. My plan was to quit smoking for one of my new years resolutions, I even set a limit of how many I was allowed each day for the few previous weeks before new years day. Smoking relaxes me, and it reduces my stress levels. I first started smoking at the age of 14, as it caught my interest. I use to take cigarettes from my father (without his knowledge), unless I was around people that could and would buy them for me. I had always wanted to quit before I turned 18, but sadly that did not happen and I can't see myself quitting smoking for a while now. I have tried to quit smoking plenty of times, but I've always failed miserably.
My phone has been broken since Christmas eve now. It wasn't bothering me too much though as it gave me a break from texting people, which I'm not too keen on as it's far too time consuming. I don't mind texting if it has a purpose, such as making plans or supporting someone in a time of need, but people get too repetative with their texts. I haven't been very happy at all with my phone that's recently broken. I've had the model for two years, and it managed to break four times with no influence. I think it's appalling how a faulty phone can be sold by such a professionally company. The phone was a Sony Ericsson wi20, and I don't suggest it at all! I was very upset that Orange had promised me a completely new phone once this had broken again, but unfortunately the phone broke just three months out of the contract. I felt Orange had cheated me a little, as at first I was told it was the third time that I would get a new phone, but instead they raised that. Orange don't treat their customers well at all, but they managed to work into me through using an Irish man on call for customer services who offered me 10% off my bill for my new phone. The phone that I will be getting is an iPhone 4. There are two new editions to the iPhone, however neither of them appealed to me. I've been thinking of getting an iPhone for a few months, and I'm still a little unsure as I can be very clumsy at times.
My phone has been broken since Christmas eve now. It wasn't bothering me too much though as it gave me a break from texting people, which I'm not too keen on as it's far too time consuming. I don't mind texting if it has a purpose, such as making plans or supporting someone in a time of need, but people get too repetative with their texts. I haven't been very happy at all with my phone that's recently broken. I've had the model for two years, and it managed to break four times with no influence. I think it's appalling how a faulty phone can be sold by such a professionally company. The phone was a Sony Ericsson wi20, and I don't suggest it at all! I was very upset that Orange had promised me a completely new phone once this had broken again, but unfortunately the phone broke just three months out of the contract. I felt Orange had cheated me a little, as at first I was told it was the third time that I would get a new phone, but instead they raised that. Orange don't treat their customers well at all, but they managed to work into me through using an Irish man on call for customer services who offered me 10% off my bill for my new phone. The phone that I will be getting is an iPhone 4. There are two new editions to the iPhone, however neither of them appealed to me. I've been thinking of getting an iPhone for a few months, and I'm still a little unsure as I can be very clumsy at times.
2ndJanuary2013
Many of my teenage years have been spent playing The Sims, which I have a slight addiction to. The addiction started with The Sims 1, then The Sims 2, and finally The Sims 3 as the game for PC was one of my Christmas presents. It's a great game that I can escape reality through, as I can create my ideal life in the game that I cannot achieve in reality, which is my poor excuse for playing it all day long. The Sims doesn't make a good impact on the rest of my life other than getting away from problems. I tend to ignore or decline my friends when being asked out. The third game has topped the second massively. The game allows the characters to be completely personalised, and the graphics are great. Although it defeats the object of the game, I used cheats to become rich and happy (as they are practically the same thing), that enabled me to create a beautiful house.
I have so many high expectations for my home when I'm older. I would love every room to be colour coded; with a definite blue living room, a red bed room and a brown dinning room. I can imagine the relating colours would really brighten up my mood. I would have a beautiful house if I had sufficient money to do so.
I have so many high expectations for my home when I'm older. I would love every room to be colour coded; with a definite blue living room, a red bed room and a brown dinning room. I can imagine the relating colours would really brighten up my mood. I would have a beautiful house if I had sufficient money to do so.
1stJanuary2013
The plans for this blog were supposed to change completely, so my hardest will be given to do so. At the start of 2012 the blog seemed to be to be appropriate and easy to understand for new readers, but slowly it slipped into posts that were simply for me. Looking though some of my posts from 2012 I realise how some of them were completely uninteresting to everyone, and I will try to avoid that from now on. I'm still unsure of how to go about talking about people, whether to use their first name, second name, or initials. I think an introduction to everyone I talk about would be nice, but anyone who doesn't follow the blog religiously won't understand my situations or the people involved in them.
Lets start on new years resolutions, as I believe I've chosen a great one this year that I can stick to. I usually have the same resolution every year; to lose weight and get exercise. Sadly for me, I love my food and I hate exercising. This new years resolution is to stay vegan for three months (I've been a vegetarian for four years now). I eventually want to go vegan permanently, but while living with my parents this proves to be difficult. My main reason for wanting to become vegan is my passion for animal welfare, as harm does come to them with consuming products that they produce. I am 100% confident that I will never purposely eat meat in my life again, but unfortunately I cannot say the same with being vegan diet. I can't remember ever having a big liking to meat, which meant switching to vegetarian was easy for me, but I cannot say the this about my love for dairy and the ease of becoming vegan. It will be a hard three months, but I'm certain I can do it.
I am currently in eduction studying higher national diploma in animal management, and I have a part time job at Matalan. From secondary school I went to college to study animal management, which lasted two years and I absolutely loved the course. I had a good group of friends and felt I fitted in nicely. The same goes for the course I am on now, which is the level five and will also last for two years. I have an option to go through a third year at a uni, which I'm feeling positively about as I love education that's interesting to me. Matalan is my first job, and I have been working there since September 2012. I enjoy working there very much as everyone's nice, which overweights the pay that isn't the greatest. I would prefer having a job linking to animals, but as a first job I cannot complain.
My blog will be revolved around me and my life, discussing my thoughts, opinions and providing an insight to what I do. The blog first started as it was a good was to express my feelings how I wanted to without having to involve those that know me. Having a blog makes my stress levels lower, and I hope you also can benefit from the blog.
Lets start on new years resolutions, as I believe I've chosen a great one this year that I can stick to. I usually have the same resolution every year; to lose weight and get exercise. Sadly for me, I love my food and I hate exercising. This new years resolution is to stay vegan for three months (I've been a vegetarian for four years now). I eventually want to go vegan permanently, but while living with my parents this proves to be difficult. My main reason for wanting to become vegan is my passion for animal welfare, as harm does come to them with consuming products that they produce. I am 100% confident that I will never purposely eat meat in my life again, but unfortunately I cannot say the same with being vegan diet. I can't remember ever having a big liking to meat, which meant switching to vegetarian was easy for me, but I cannot say the this about my love for dairy and the ease of becoming vegan. It will be a hard three months, but I'm certain I can do it.
I am currently in eduction studying higher national diploma in animal management, and I have a part time job at Matalan. From secondary school I went to college to study animal management, which lasted two years and I absolutely loved the course. I had a good group of friends and felt I fitted in nicely. The same goes for the course I am on now, which is the level five and will also last for two years. I have an option to go through a third year at a uni, which I'm feeling positively about as I love education that's interesting to me. Matalan is my first job, and I have been working there since September 2012. I enjoy working there very much as everyone's nice, which overweights the pay that isn't the greatest. I would prefer having a job linking to animals, but as a first job I cannot complain.
My blog will be revolved around me and my life, discussing my thoughts, opinions and providing an insight to what I do. The blog first started as it was a good was to express my feelings how I wanted to without having to involve those that know me. Having a blog makes my stress levels lower, and I hope you also can benefit from the blog.
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