13thMay2012

The best thing which could happen right now, is if my father died. I often feel lots of anger towards him, I wrote that when I was feeling extreme amounts. We had an argument earlier, which brought this on and I was very unfairly treated, which is what I'm use to from him. Mum and I were upstairs talking about what our plans were for the day, and before she was leaving to go downstairs I asked her if she would kindly boil an egg for me for 10 minutes, which she agreed to. A little while later when it would have been ready I went downstairs to finish off my lunch, however mum forgot to do any of it so I said thank you to her sarcastically, and made a few other little jokey comments about her boiling an egg for me. Per usual dad had to get involved in something which had nothing to do with him, putting negative comments on me about how I never do anything and various other bull shit things. He was going outside for a cigarette so I forced the door shut and he really heavily forced it open, knowing I was there and it would cause me pain. I slammed the door shut and walked off, but he came in and hit me across the face, once again I slammed the door shut and he came back once again and hit me across the face a lot harder. Mum was there and was trying to stop him, she could see he was out of control and he was personally attacking me. I ran upstairs in floods of tears and took my anger out the only way that I could, by self harming which I should know better not to start up again..
I don't know if it's possible for me to feel complete hate towards him, as every time I could happily never see him again for the ways he treats me, I forgive him. I really do wish I never forgave him or forget about the things he has done, but I do and then it just happens again because he's truly a horrible person. He's getting worse too, he's drinking far more than he use to from what I can remember and it causes him to be even angrier and uncooperative.
He may well start depression up for me, I feel so worthless because of him and want nothing more than to be gone from this earth. It's as if he feels the need to always put me down at any chance he gets. His comments do hurt me a lot, and they have always affected me. I wish he would realise how much and stop being a cunt =/