Suicide has been on my mind tonight, not me thinking about physically doing it, but just the general concept of it. I found a website which was expressing ways to do it, which seemed to me as disgustingly free. Fair enough some people are genuinely interested in information about the requirements to commit suicide, but it all seemed as if it was to provide information to people who are seeking help on killing themselves. The website can be found here. It was last updated in 1993, so all of the information is probably a little short and wrong. The website has been done in such an unprofessional way, and it's shocking that information like that is allowed to be out on the internet. I would find it acceptable if it was a genuine website that provided help for people who are having suicide thoughts to feel better, opposed to helping them into suicide. I was shocked to hear that about 5% of people attempt suicide once in their life, it's ridiculous that so many people feel that worthless to try and take their own life. I now believe that suicide is NEVER the answer, and that there is a solution no matter how dark the future looks. Sadly this is not how I feel at times of depression or despair, and it's completely understandable how other people can be so pessimistic about life too. I do try to be as happy as I possibly can be now, but looking positively about life isn't always possible. I wouldn't mind becoming someone to help those in need, such as a call person for Samaritans or a councillor, but these sadly take a lot of training and aren't something that are my ambitions in life. It seems like something which would be nice to do for a year or so after I come out of education or something to do in-between jobs.
I've been having a little family argument with my cousin this evening, I feel a little bit like a keyboard warrior at the moment. My cousin doesn't live too near so we haven't been to see her since she's moved, and I've only seen her once in the last few years; at my aunties funeral two years ago. She has three boys, only two that I have seen that once. It first started when she put up a status saying something about how our family are barely family to her as none of us have made the effort to come and see her while she's visiting her mum (who lives locally to us), and that our nan is making excuses not to see her. I was pretty annoyed when first seeing this status, but I left it for a while as I was very hot headed. I kept my contributes to the conversation very calm, logical and in a respect that I am not taking sides, just that she needs to see my point of view. It basically came down to the fact that she did not invite anyone to come see her, I do see her point that she shouldn't have to ask, but I for one would not feel comfortable in my aunties house (as she is a freak). She's just as much in the wrong for not inviting the family as the family are for not asking to come see her. She was especially irritated with our nan because her excuse for not coming to see her was because she didn't want to get unwell, as my cousin, her kids, her brother and mum were all ill just before. My nan is old and her body does not to well with illnesses at all, it leaves her having to stay at home all by herself for at least a week. I think I handled the disagreement very well, and I'm proud of myself for not raging off. I did feel bad for my cousin, but really I had no clue that she was even down, she didn't make the effort to tell everyone so I guess that's only what she can expect.
I've experienced something new today being liked by a girl. The girl is in my course at college and is already an open lesbian. I've told her before that I'm straight, which didn't seem to go through properly as she kept telling me that she thinks I'm bi, and in denial. I've told her that I don't feel the same way and she's been pretty accepting of this. I always feel strange whenever I'm around a guy after he's told me that he likes me, and I can only imagine this goes the same from this girl. In all fairness, I am attracted to some girls, but I do have my preference. I could never imagine doing anything sexual with a girl though, however the thought does not seem strange. It is something acceptable in today's society, but I just can't see myself being in a relationship with a girl. I wouldn't call myself as bisexual, as it's not a strong enough attraction to girls, it's just simply that I love blonde hair with the right style, and the sex of the person sometimes doesn't matter.
Now onto the conversation of my inability to meet up with any guy because I am afraid of anything happening between us. I really would love to meet a guy that I'm moderately attracted to at a bar or such, but I'm such a child when it comes to be intimate with someone new. A pathetic example of this is a guy from work, who is in general an attractive person, just sadly not a personal preference. We were texting the other day, when he mentioned that I should come and join him in his bed for a cuddle, I didn't wait to find out whether he was being serious or not, I was ridiculously uncomfortable and then started being a fool in the conversation. I started involving my animals in the conversation to take the pressure off of me, I just simply cannot dead with it. I felt like such a little kid, with no clue what to do. I get the feeling that we have more of a connection than he does with anyone else that he works with, but I'm not confident enough to make the statement that he likes me. From the text the other night, it seems as if he would be the kind of person to use a girl, although he does not come across like that at all at work. I guess I just don't know him well enough to judge yet, perhaps we'll have to meet up outside of work sometime to cure the distance between us.
No comments:
Post a Comment