28thNovember2012

My ex that I'm deeply in love with gave me a surprise visit today, as he was passing by on his hour long walk. It's safe to say I was very happy about it, as I always am (unless I look crappy). Thankfully, I had been out today, forcing me to put on make up in this judgemental society. He ended up waiting outside my house for ten minutes as he doesn't like my dad, and wanted to ensure I was in and would be the one to open the door for him. I dragged him in and said I'll walk with him until he gets picked up, which was up a horrible and steep hill. He kept telling me no, but of course I couldn't hold myself away from him. I am far too attached to him, but we all know that already.
My best surprise visit from him was on the anniversary of us being together for a few months, as I was rather upset that he was busy and unable to see me on that day. He only visited for a few minutes, but it meant a hell of a lot that he made the effort, although he has somewhere to be already.
It was very nice to see him today, as usual, but especially because it was a surprise and I may not get to see him for the next few week was our weekly plans don't work out together well.

30thNovember2012

I saw my second bit of snow for this winter today! It was in the morning while at the bus stop waiting for the college coach; it was very faint and I only saw it for about 30 seconds. I would have appreciated it a lot more if I wan't absolutely freezing, but sadly I'm silly when it comes to clothing choices in the cold. The warmth of the bus was amazing in comparison to the bus stop (obviously), but seriously it was really nice. I went to a nature reserve this morning with college, which again was freezing! I felt like I couldn't appreciate it so much because of the cold, I would have much rather being taught about it while inside a warm, heated room. The talk was useful for my ecology course, but sadly I don't even think that much processed because of the temperature.

29thNovember2012

I was rather excited to go to Reading University this morning, but sadly it didn't fill my expectations as we simply only went to a lab, did what was needed to do, and went off back to our college. I now don't know why I thought we would be looking around a little more, but I wish we did anyway. I was also expecting the labs to be brand new and to look very clean and presentable, but it was nothing like that at all. The room seemed to be really old, and it made the work far less interesting for me. We will be visiting Reading University again next week, as we are finding the nutritional content in animal feed stuffs.

27thNovember2012

I am feeling terribly sick at the moment, I have just found one of my baby male hamsters, dead and headless. He was disposed of quickly once finding him, as my dad had only just came home and was able to sort it out for me. I'm literally speechless at the moment, I can't believe this has happened. I don't even want to imagine the pain that hamster went through before its death, all I can hope is that it was already dead before the others started eating it. I know that there's a chance that baby hamsters will be eaten, but I would have never thought at this age; they're over a month old now. I'm feeling rather sad at the moment, it hasn't been a good time with my animals lately.
Just yesterday I noticed my hamster Mash, has a finger missing. I can only assume that this is due to her and Barley fighting. They use to fight every few days, but I have not heard them doing so for over a month now. The missing finger looks recent, as it's inflamed, and I do not believe that this will cause her much difficulty in the future of her life. It didn't seem to be causing her much pain when I was inspecting it yesterday, or at least I hope this is the case. I wish that all of my hamsters could get along nicely.
Last night I kicked up about Webster, I missed him greatly and couldn't get to sleep because it was playing on my mind. I texted my friend for comfort, but sadly they were already asleep or too busy to be there for me at that time. It really hasn't sank in that much, I just want him back.
I am in a drinking mood because of all of this, and because I haven't touched any alcoholic beverage in a month now; where I got completely wrecked at my friends party. It will be Strongbow that I'll be drinking tonight, and nothing over four cans as I am serious lightweight, which is good at times as it means I don't have to spend much, but of course bad because I lose control of myself very easily. I hopefully won't drink that much tonight though, as I want to go into college tomorrow to get some coursework done, this however may not be the case when I wake up tomorrow. I have a piece of coursework coming up next week that's rather difficult, as it's about my own project that I have thought up. It's revolved around my hamsters; seeing the time it takes for different selection of hamsters to get through a maze and their intelligence level. The different selections of hamsters will include comparisons of males and females, age differences and hamsters from a home environment and those from a work environment (animal college). It is the research project proposal that is in for next week, the proper research project will be carried out from the start of January to the end of April.

26thNovember2012

I am seriously considering to lean how to play the guitar. It's something that I've wanted to do from a young age but sadly never got the chance to. Although I could have for the past few years now, I've thought that it's something that I personally wouldn't be able to pick up by myself, and there'd be no chance of me being able to afford to go to lessons. I'm not too sure why this idea popped up and gave me a sudden urge today, but at the moment I think it's a great idea. The only problem is that at times I become very lazy, and I dread to think that I will eventually give up on the guitar without getting far. If I were to get a guitar, it would be an acoustic, simply because they are much cheaper, even if slightly harder to pick up. I have many friends that can play the guitar, so I'm sure I could easily get suggestion or help from them. I talked a little about it with my mother today, she thought it would be a reasonable thing to get for Christmas, so if my keenness towards playing the guitar keeps up, I will be getting one for Christmas. I don't want to get an expensive one, just encase I lose interest, but I don't want it to be too cheap, as them I'm sure the quality will be pretty poor too.
The only musical instrument I have ever played before was the recorder, in the early years of primary school. Sadly I cannot remember my feelings towards it, or how well I eventually got at it. I do have one memory of me playing the recorder though, it was when I was on stage in a group performance, I got stage fright and instead stood there looking probably very pathetic, pretending I was playing it. That was a horrible memory for me, I hope to never go through anything like that ever again!

25thNovember2012

It's been a mind opening evening for me, I've been researching into genuine conditions that I have. While my family were over this evening we discussed my inability to read analogue clocks with ease. Through all of my mums previous hard work to get me to understand them, she has still to this day failed. It's not a lack of effort in any way, as I remember from a young age, my mum countlessly trying to teach me. I'm completely fine with digital clocks, and can work out the time straight away, but with analogue clocks it takes me a good 30 seconds to have a thought on the time, and then I have to check it again straight after and usually do not come out with much clue about the actual time. I guess this could be something to do with Dyslexia, however I have never been diagnosed or really thought about it. If I did have it, I can imagine it would only be mild as I can't see much other effect of it. I don't have much of a problem with words, and in general I'm rather good   with numbers, but I suppose it takes me a while longer than it should do to work things out for my intellect level. I remember in maths class from secondary school that I was never learning out tasks as fast as the other kids class in general, but with a little more time I would usually reach it. I feel it's too late to get myself diagnosed if I did have it, but I would love to know. I also struggle to spell words out in proper letters, opposed to how you're taught letters to start off with, the sounds of the letters. Maybe that's just me being stubborn and weird though, maybe not. Months of the year took me a very long time to work out, and still I am not 100% with it, I struggle to remember things and I am very easily distracted and often have my own thought trail without realising it. I haven't thought about it properly before, but I think there's a high possibility that I am dyslexic.
My obsession with my ex is not healthy at all either, although the relationship that we still have makes it a little more understandable to why I still feel so strongly towards him. I know full well that he'll be there completely to comfort me, and that's something that I can't let go. It has been a year and nine months now that we have been apart, and still every day I think about him. It's strange to think that I've thought about the same person every day for possibly four years now, that's a big amount of time to spend thinking about someone. I cannot get over the idea of us two getting back together, and possibly won't ever do. I'm not too sure how to get myself out of this love for him, I suppose the only thing will be if we finally distance ourselves or if I find someone who I feel more strongly towards than I do him. This would be difficult though, as I push myself away from anyone who has feelings towards me and I don't tend to find many people that I'm interested in a relationship with. I'm too afraid to let go of him, it's a major step in my life which I'm not confident enough to overcome yet. I should probably seek help for this, it's gone way past the point of ridiculous.

24thNovember2012

Once again I will be passing out again tonight, I really am fucking knackered! Today has been fun at work though, I dressed up in work stock to promote the clothing, had my own walkie talkie, and the cool manager was in who lets us get away with a lot. I haven't done much other than be at work today, and there's nothing else worth mentioning from what I can think of. I hope you've all had a nice day too ^.^

23rdNovember2012

I finally got my college coursework finished today, which again was hell. I had to skip my last two hours to do it (3 hours), and I think I've hopefully done enough to get a simple pass. I'm not too sure why I struggled with this one so much, possibly because I left it to the last minute and I didn't go through what was needed to be done properly with my teacher. Hopefully I'll learn my mistake, but most probably not. The two lessons I missed out on was once which we were doing a dissection of a pigs hear in, and a production lesson. I don't like dissections at all, so I'm pretty thankful I had a relevant excuse not to have to sit through that. Production isn't particularly a fun lesson either, our teacher isn't very good at teaching me and the majority of my class feel this way too. We had a practical today, where we had to hoof trim goats (Anglo Nubian goats and small goats that I don't know the breed of), it all went pretty well for a while, until one of the Anglo Nubian Goats decided it would be fun to push into me so much that I fall, placing my hand on barbed wire and very nearly falling into a water trough behind me. It was a nice experience though, I do like practicals with the animals.

22ndNovember2012

I've been really knackered today, just like every Thursday. Thursday is the start to my college week, meaning the first early morning after five / three days. The college day hasn't gone so badly, just afterwards while being at home was a little hell. I've got a piece of coursework in for tomorrow, about ecology focusing on the Malayan Sun Bear. I've managed to get through near 1000 words tonight, but I've got another 1000 to go and there's no chance of me getting any more done tonight. I'm a little stressed out about it, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

21stNovember2012

Today was just as hard as it always is to say goodbye to him. It always comes around too soon, leaving me feeling lonely, needing of him and simply not allowing me to get my head away from him for a couple of days. Just as I had thought, the evening and morning went just as well as the day did. Everything was so peaceful with him this morning, simply happiness was all I could feel.
I'm not even going to go into my thoughts about how I feel towards him and what I want from him, as we all know where I stand. He is perfection <3

20thNovember2012

Tonight I have got Alex over, it's been a pretty relaxed day. It started off with us (me) Christmas shopping, although that went pretty badly as so far I have spent £100 on only my mother, grandmothers and myself. I have still got to get Christmas presents for my close friends, which hopefully won't even go up to £50, however I'm very clueless on what to get any of them. We've came home, had pizza for dinner, he watched Lord Of The Rings 3 while I was on skype, and had a little bit of intimacy. It's been a nice day spent with him, and I think it's safe to say that the rest of the night and the morning will go nicely too. He really is lovely when it's just the two of us <3

19thNovember2012

I've had my friend Chris over for the evening, it's never so great when it's just the two of us. He's a bit of a sexual predator and I hate it. He ended up leaving today, rather rudely, his reasoning was because I was continuously biting him. I was continuously biting him because he kept trying it on with me by dry humping me, which I was clearly disapproving of. He didn't even say goodbye, instead threw a strop and left. I am angry towards him because of it, but I suppose in a way I'm grateful that he did leave because of him persistently trying to 'win me over'.
No matter what the situation is, whenever my ex says that he misses me, it will always get to me. I think about it far too deeply, when he says it in a way that shouldn't be taken seriously. Instead just a kind little gesture to go along with mentioning that we haven't talked properly for a few days. It's strange though, I haven't been missing him so much lately, however still thinking about him just as much. I'd love to think that I am moving on from him, but really I think my love and such has been put on a hold for a while since Webster passed.
I have done really well with Webster being taken from my life. Again it still has not processed properly as I'm still thinking of him as if he's still here. My daily routine feels like it has been stripped, leaving me to feel empty. Every morning I would go downstairs for a cuddle with him, whenever I'd leave the house I would give him a treat and get him to do some tricks; he'd always be the last one I'd say goodbye to, when I came back home from anywhere I would sit down on the kitchen floor and have him laying in-between my legs; fussing him up and both of us squealing like little babies from the excitement of seeing each other, and then I'd end all of my days saying goodnight to him with a visit downstairs, a cuddle, a kiss and a stroke. How I miss having him in my daily routine, I miss him.

18thNovember2012

My mum's so inconsiderate sometimes; talking about either getting rid of all my hamsters, or kicking me out the house with them. I'm really fucking raging right now, she's such a shit person to be able to say this.
This is the second day that my parents have really pissed me off before work, so damn fucking angry!
My work day wasn't so bad, ended earlier as our managers were trying to rush us as they didn't have enough money to pay us, they even had to send some people home after half a day.
Things with my mum cleaned up in the afternoon, everything's usually fine after a few hours of us apart, to calm down and such. I do love her, but she really does need to learn not to start arguments with me in the morning!

17thNovember2012

My dad's so inconsiderate sometimes; not caring about my success through work. After it being planned how I was getting to work, he tells me just an hour and a half before I start that it's not happening and I have to find my own way to work. It's all because he was thinking about himself, which is all he ever does. I can honestly say that he does not care how I turn out, when I move out I can imagine we'll barely speak and I'll have nothing to do with him. Living by myself would be perfection, other than the money struggle of course.

16thNovember2012

Today has had a few ups and downs, but none too extreme that will cause me stress. I've had an interesting day at college (from my eyes anyway) and went to the cinema.

My first period of study was Ecology, for this we got some background information on Red Kites, mainly conservation things and how they died down and such. We then had a practical side to this where the five people in my class (including the teacher), went outside onto the college fields and threw dead rats out for the Red Kites to get. Our hope was that we would at least see one Red Kite, watch it circle, swoop and be vocal. Our college is practically infested with Red Kites as it's basically surrounded by our fields, we saw many of them, saw one circle and swoop down (however it didn't get anything), and watched them interact with each other by 'fighting' in the sky and making calls to one another. It was really beautiful seeing them do this, especially as we had binoculars. It's sad that we didn't get to see the birds fly off with its feed, however it was really interesting for me to watch and it was a good experience overall.

My second period was also different from usual; we had a guest speaker from an animal testing research centre. My views on animal testing before the talk was that it is vile, disgusting and shouldn't still be happening, my views still have not changed from this. The reason for having a guest speaker in was because we have an assignment in that resolve around animal testing labs. Some of the things that we have to go in detail about in the coursework is as followed: 1. What is in place to ensure safe and effective handling and management? 2. How are assessments had on the animals heath? 3. How is the health monitored and how is it recorded? 4. What are some animal diagnosis techniques? and 5. What are the dietary formations and provisions of foodstuffs?
There was a lot of information that I wrote down that I found of interest, I'll share some with you. 1/9 animal medical procedures are carried out on rats and mice, this is because they're cheap to buy, easy to breed, and have small housing requirements so don't take up too much space in the lab, enabling them to house many in a small amount of space. They're also small in the evolutionary chain, which means the results will be more valuable. There are three levels of procedures  mild, moderate and substantial. An example of a mild procedure would be taking a blood test, an example of a substantial procedure would be something making permanent damage to the animal, such as giving them Parkinsons disease. There are vets on call 24/7, there are many licences needed to be in the industry and there are many technicians involved. They say that the animal research costs a lot, so they wouldn't do any wasteful research which wouldn't bring them valuable results. For any brain research, they tend to use monkeys as their brain is the closest to a humans. There is a ratio of around 15 humans to every 1 animal used, however untrue this may seem. The process is researching > finding new treatments > narrowing the field > clinical trials (three phases) > approval > life of a medicine. No chemical can be used on humans until it has gone through at least two species of animals, as if it has only been tested on one species they may be able to hide symptoms and signs, where as if they test two species they get more reliable results. "The cost is justified by the potential benefits", words from the speaker himself. The animals that are in the testing labs will be bred specifically for that reason, they will train them and know as much of their blood line as physically possible. All animals are said to be put down before they experience any pain, (the pain which the research has caused).
Personally, I feel that all animal testing (which is not beneficial to the animals), is unnecessary. If it is only a human that is effected by whatever they are researching, it should only be researched through the use of humans. Humans should not rate animals higher in this world, personally I see it just as bad as white people getting treated better than black people. If the research was not being done on humans, then why should we allow it to be put on animals. The benefits to a selection of people is not worth the pain of one animal from my perspective.

My other two lessons were pretty irrelevant to anyone who is not taking the course, so I'll leave those two out. After college I went to go see Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (Twilight), with my best friend Lean. I hadn't seen Part 1, but still it can be appreciated without seeing any of the others. Most of it was really well done, apart from the story line which goes a little something like this: 'and then they woke up'. I feel the film was a little ruined by this, it felt a bit like something a terrible writer would do, or a child in year 6. Also the graphics of a child they had was pretty awful, very shocking for this day and age.

My friend told me today that him and his girlfriend broke up today / yesterday because of me. He started mentioning something about the photo I uploaded onto Facebook where the two of us were on skype. His at the time girlfriend had a problem with it and it somehow ended after then. His girlfriend asked him about the last girlfriend he had and the last girl that he liked, the girl that he liked was me. She asked him to stop talking to me a few months ago (which I found out about today), but he thankfully went against her wishes. She found out that we're still talking and they broke up. I would dig a little deeper into it, but his brother's in the room on skype with him now, hopefully I'll get more on this tomorrow.

15thNovember2012

Tonight should hopefully be a quick one from me as it's rather late and I have to be up in five and a half hours to get ready for college.  This is being written so late as my best friend, Lean, has came over tonight as she was a little upset over family situations. I think it's so lovely that we always know the other is going to be there for us, no matter what the problem is, we'll be there to support one another. I do really appreciate and love our friendship, we can go for weeks without talking but I still know she's there 100% to back me up. We will be seeing each other very soon though, hopefully tomorrow. We talked about what's troubling her for around half an hour, and spent the rest playing with the baby hamsters, reminiscing on the past and looking at funny things on the internet. I love my best friend, friendship is magic.

14thNovember2012

It has been decided for a very long time now that I should be on a diet, I am unhappy with my weight but never try enough to actually see much of a difference. I want something that will cut down my weight and keep it there. I may go on different diets in 2013, a different diet for ever month, see how well suited to me they are and how well they work. My main problem though is sticking to my ideas, I'd love to be able to, but there's far too much temptation in this world and I have a lack of will power and determination. There's only been one noticeable change of weight through a change of diet, and that was not eating for a week which brought me down half a stone. I am a rocky 10 at the moment, something which I am not proud of or happy about. From the BMI chart it shows me that I am at correct, but high end. The minimum weight for my height should be around 8 stone, which is what I'm dying to get to. I want to stick this through, I want to be happy with my weight and how my body looks! I have been far too self concious for far too long. I've never been at an ideal weight since a young age, it was probably around year 5/6 where I wasn't in control of my weight. I wouldn't say anything really set me off to becoming a larger size, just that food tastes ridiculously good.
I am a vegetarian, which would make people want to believe that I'm at a healthy weight, the only problem is that I don't like many vegetables and instead feed myself off chips, crisps, bread, chocolate and anything unhealthy in large amounts that you can think of. Going vegan would help my weight, but the problem is that once I find multiple things that I can eat, I will just keep going for them.
My exercise effort levels are very low too, and especially as I don't have a dog now. There's been so many times where I've felt like I want to go on a walk to get out of the house in the past few weeks, but I just don't feel comfortable if Webster's not with me, it's just not the same. I'm pretty certain we will get another dog eventually, but I am clueless to how long mother would like to wait, as I don't think she would be emotionally okay with it for a few months. I feel embarrassed if I join up to a gym by myself, I'm ridiculously clueless how to work anything and I can imagine I'd be helpless with them too. I like swimming, but sadly I'm not okay with this at the moment as I'm body concious. I use to have swimming lessons at a young age, so I'm a strong swimmer. I haven't been swimming for a good few years now, possibly the last time was in 2008 summer, when I went on holiday to Spain. I need to start walking more too, as that's enjoyable, just I feel a little awkward if there's no reason for it other than I need some exercise. If I don't sort it out in this following year, I'm probably going to be screwed for the rest of my life.

13thNovember2012

A song that I'm really into at the moment has the lyrics 'what's so good about picking up the pieces', which really gets me thinking. The rest of the song doesn't so much relate to this, unless I'm completely getting it wrong. When would it ever be best to leave it at something wrong?! I don't understand people who allow their relationships to fail. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I suppose there could be a good reason, but still it does not satisfy me. It's a good song if you like moderately heavy rock / screamo though (Caraphernelia- Pierce The Veil).
I know many people may think it's a little sad researching into bedroom tips, but personally I feel much better after I have done so and I encourage anyone else to do so, there is a lot of useful information out there. I have been tonight, and it really does fascinate me, so I will continue to talk about it now. One thing I have never enjoyed doing is having the guy go down on me, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and I just want it to stop. Luckily for me this doesn't happen so often. From what I can remember, I used to be the same while having his fingers touching me, but this has changed and I'm more than welcoming towards him now. For me though, I'd much rather pleasure him than the other way round, I feel far too uncomfortable in these situations and I feel at ease if it's him in pleasure. It pleasures me knowing that I am pleasuring him. I would love to hear other people's opinion on all of this, so please go ahead. Another problem is that I have sadly never orgasmed through sex with my current sexual partner (or my one night stand), I think this is due to lack of experimentation, (his) lack of time, and not enough self determination. It's gotten way past the point where I feel uncomfortable talking about it with him, so instead we just don't. One time I felt so pressured over it that I started to cry while he was trying to pleasuring me, it was rather awkward to say the least. He is understanding of it though, and he does have my best intentions. I think I need to get him to focus on me, or tell him to do so as I don't feel he would through foreplay followed by sex on his own call . We will work on this.

12thNovember2012

Suicide has been on my mind tonight, not me thinking about physically doing it, but just the general concept of it. I found a website which was expressing ways to do it, which seemed to me as disgustingly free. Fair enough some people are genuinely interested in information about the requirements to commit suicide, but it all seemed as if it was to provide information to people who are seeking help on killing themselves. The website can be found here. It was last updated in 1993, so all of the information is probably a little short and wrong. The website has been done in such an unprofessional way, and it's shocking that information like that is allowed to be out on the internet. I would find it acceptable if it was a genuine website that provided help for people who are having suicide thoughts to feel better, opposed to helping them into suicide. I was shocked to hear that about 5% of people attempt suicide once in their life, it's ridiculous that so many people feel that worthless to try and take their own life. I now believe that suicide is NEVER the answer, and that there is a solution no matter how dark the future looks. Sadly this is not how I feel at times of depression or despair, and it's completely understandable how other people can be so pessimistic about life too. I do try to be as happy as I possibly can be now, but looking positively about life isn't always possible. I wouldn't mind becoming someone to help those in need, such as a call person for Samaritans or a councillor, but these sadly take a lot of training and aren't something that are my ambitions in life. It seems like something which would be nice to do for a year or so after I come out of education or something to do in-between jobs.

I've been having a little family argument with my cousin this evening, I feel a little bit like a keyboard warrior at the moment. My cousin doesn't live too near so we haven't been to see her since she's moved, and I've only seen her once in the last few years; at my aunties funeral two years ago. She has three boys, only two that I have seen that once. It first started when she put up a status saying something about how our family are barely family to her as none of us have made the effort to come and see her while she's visiting her mum (who lives locally to us), and that our nan is making excuses not to see her. I was pretty annoyed when first seeing this status, but I left it for a while as I was very hot headed. I kept my contributes to the conversation very calm, logical and in a respect that I am not taking sides, just that she needs to see my point of view. It basically came down to the fact that she did not invite anyone to come see her, I do see her point that she shouldn't have to ask, but I for one would not feel comfortable in my aunties house (as she is a freak). She's just as much in the wrong for not inviting the family as the family are for not asking to come see her. She was especially irritated with our nan because her excuse for not coming to see her was because she didn't want to get unwell, as my cousin, her kids, her brother and mum were all ill just before. My nan is old and her body does not to well with illnesses at all, it leaves her having to stay at home all by herself for at least a week. I think I handled the disagreement very well, and I'm proud of myself for not raging off. I did feel bad for my cousin, but really I had no clue that she was even down, she didn't make the effort to tell everyone so I guess that's only what she can expect.

I've experienced something new today being liked by a girl. The girl is in my course at college and is already an open lesbian. I've told her before that I'm straight, which didn't seem to go through properly as she kept telling me that she thinks I'm bi, and in denial. I've told her that I don't feel the same way and she's been pretty accepting of this. I always feel strange whenever I'm around a guy after he's told me that he likes me, and I can only imagine this goes the same from this girl. In all fairness, I am attracted to some girls, but I do have my preference. I could never imagine doing anything sexual with a girl though, however the thought does not seem strange. It is something acceptable in today's society, but I just can't see myself being in a relationship with a girl. I wouldn't call myself as bisexual, as it's not a strong enough attraction to girls, it's just simply that I love blonde hair with the right style, and the sex of the person sometimes doesn't matter.

Now onto the conversation of my inability to meet up with any guy because I am afraid of anything happening between us. I really would love to meet a guy that I'm moderately attracted to at a bar or such, but I'm such a child when it comes to be intimate with someone new. A pathetic example of this is a guy from work, who is in general an attractive person, just sadly not a personal preference. We were texting the other day, when he mentioned that I should come and join him in his bed for a cuddle, I didn't wait to find out whether he was being serious or not, I was ridiculously uncomfortable and then started being a fool in the conversation. I started involving my animals in the conversation to take the pressure off of me, I just simply cannot dead with it. I felt like such a little kid, with no clue what to do. I get the feeling that we have more of a connection than he does with anyone else that he works with, but I'm not confident enough to make the statement that he likes me. From the text the other night, it seems as if he would be the kind of person to use a girl, although he does not come across like that at all at work. I guess I just don't know him well enough to judge yet, perhaps we'll have to meet up outside of work sometime to cure the distance between us.

11thNovember2012

So today is remembrance day, from what I know, it's to remember those lives who helped us n the war to freedom. My knowledge of this is very low, and very disrespectful. For I do not agree with wars in the slightest, and I don't think it should happen. It's unbelievable that in the world of today, wars still go on. It does not make sense how leaders of countries cannot get their shit together, and instead they waste lives for pathetic reasons. Although I appreciate those who go to war, I do not look up to them as heroes  instead I believe them to be murderers that are shown to be heroes. I know that is a strong statement to say, but it is quite true through using logic. The people on our side of the war have the same opinions as others on the other side of the war. We back up our soldiers and put all of our support into them, and I don't believe it is right to take away lives from others who are just in the same position, defending their country. "Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity", instead of doing what it should be doing, it is doing the complete opposite. Today I will remember those that have lost their lives fighting for us, but I will keep in mind what I have already proposed. It was their choice, their choice to corrupt the world further. So much money and time is wasted on material for the war, when instead it should be used for good in sorting out problems in their own country. I have been quite angry over this whole subject today, as it should not be happening.

10thNovember2012

It's been an enjoyable day at work, the whole Matalan company has new songs to play throughout all of their stores. This includes Christmas songs which are new for this week, I don't mind though and haven't been complaining quite yet. I was rather impressed in their music choice, my favourites of today were Ed Sheeran and Two Door Cinema Club, which are not of everyone's preference. It was a good day at work as our favourite manager was in too, he's rather young and he's more of a worker like us than a boss to us, as he jokes around with us but keeps it serious too, ensuring that all the work gets done. I believe this to be a very good way of managing, he's great at encouraging us and keeping us in a bright mood. After that I got my favourite take away food; Noodle Nation, and I've got my uncle Silbert staying over for the night too. It's been an enjoyable evening spent with family and family friends.

9thNovember2012

College hasn't been that uninteresting or than non-educational as yesterday. I've had the modules of Ecology, husbandry, health & welfare and production. Ecology is always rather valuable to me, I have great interest in it. We discussed our first piece of course work for it that is in for two weeks, and found some useful websites to use for our assignment. In health and welfare we researched about the requirements for an animals used for testing and similar questions based around animals that are tested on. We will be having a guest speaker in next week, one that works in an animal testing lab. I think it'll go pretty interesting, the likeliness is that I'll get so angry and have to walk out of the room. I don't agree with testing on animals at all, I think it is disgusting and there is NO reason for it to be done for the use of humans. Only when it is actually for the animals benefit should it be done, such as finding a cure for a disease that animals can catch. It seems ridiculous that animals are used to find antidotes for humans, why the fuck not just use humans?! There are plenty of people that should have awful things done to them in the name of research, such as people in prison. In health and welfare we watched presentation from two groups of of people in our class, we had our presentation on it two weeks before this. I don't learn much in production, as our teachers teaching is very poor. He has a monotone voice and undermines our lack of knowledge of the subject. He stands quiet for ages waiting for us to answer to a question we don't know, even once we have told him that we don't know the answer. The evening wasn't too bad, I drove home from college and chilled with the parents playing boardgames.

8thNovember2012

Fishing is something I don't approve of, simply because of the welfare issues made to the fish. No-one really thinks of the harm that it really does, but it's more than a little hole in the fishes mouth that will close up soon. Fish do feel pain, even by a 'harmless' hook entering their mouth. Catching the fish or attempting to will cause it stress and fear. The stress could lead to the animal being vulnerable to diseases, and the fear could leave the fish to starve itself afterwards to avoid the painful experience. There's some things on this website if you're interested in more (http://www.animalaid.org.uk/h/n/CAMPAIGNS/vegetarianism/ALL/650/)
I've only used this source as it's for a blog and no proper research is needed to be done on it, or would you like me to Harvard reference it?
At college today we got a visit from a RAF guy with a dog that sniffs out bombs. It was a cool talk and reasonably informative, however short. One thing that made me shocked / annoyed is that if a dog bites the wrong person even once, it will then be put down. What makes this so ridiculous is that the dogs are trained by these people to behave like this. They are encouraging a behaviour, so if the dog gets confused at all then it gets it's life sadly ended. Quite obviously I don't agree with this, and I don't understand why it needs to happen either, surely it's just as much the trainers fault as it is the dogs. I suppose I do like people who train the dogs though, as it shows a little bit of passion towards animals, it's sweet from such heartless people (not all of them, limited amount).
I don't agree with anyone in the army either, I see no need for it whatsoever. Are we that borderline fucking retarded in this world today that instead of coming to an agreement with another country, that we kill them instead. It seems a bit pathetic and I have no respect for people in the army whatsoever, instead I look at them in disgust. Fair enough my knowledge is very low on this subject, simply because it angers me so much and I have to get my head off the topic before I get into it. There's a saying that I like which is related to this, 'bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity', I think it suits quite well.
Another thing I'm going to complain about today is my nutrition test, which went terribly. I would be ridiculously happy if I passed, but sadly that's extremely unlikely. I seemed to understand the whole topic a little better this morning once I revised again, but still I was helpless for the test. I do like my teacher for it, he's very nice but sadly science based modules don't want to stick in my brain.
I want to end this on a high note, but I'm not too sure what there's left to say. I have a beautiful pussy cat, I have beautiful hamsters, I have a beautiful chinchilla and I have beautiful fish. I love my baby-cakes, Webster <3

7thNovember2012

I've seen him again today (Alex for anyone who's reading my blog for the first time), so here comes the rant.. Why can't things be the same when we're with people? What's stopping him from making things back to how they use to be, and how they should be? What is wrong with me? I wish so very much that things were perfect for us all of the time, it's so wonderful when we're with each other, but then so many doubts come crawling in. I'm somewhat happy with how things are at the moment, happier than I would be if I didn't like him any more as more than a friend, well the bit of trying to get over him anyway. Seriously though, how the fuck do people get over the ones they love? I just don't understand it, and how the fuck can people cheat on the one they love? I may be a hypocrite for it, but I hate myself every day for that reason. I suppose he wouldn't trust me if we were back in a relationship, and neither should he from my past dishonestly. At times I think I treated him badly, but I feel we equalled everything out in the end and we were on the right level for each other. He wasn't always deadly interested, where I on the other hand was very caring of him. He does have his moments though, and those moments are really something special. Everything's so happy with him, I feel so comforted, I feel so in love. Dammit, why am I too scared to move on.

6thNovember2012

I love getting new music, it really brightens up my iTunes. I haven't got much else to say really, I'm quite zoned out at the moment, maybe I'll start this in a while..
I want Obama to win in American's election happening over the next few days, there's not much intelligence to my reasons, but I'll give it a go anyway. Firstly I think him being the first black president of the United States is pretty cool, secondly he makes a great funny comp character and thirdly I remember his name, and that's a start for anyone related to politics. I am very clueless about politics, so I can only assume I have no interest, I'm all ears though if anyone wants to teach me a few things about it. Do not undermine my lack of knowledge!
Ahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahaha, I'm so easily amused. This is a glorious website and I could spend a lifetime on it.
http://thebest404pageever.com/swf/snap_your_shit.swf
http://thebest404pageever.com/swf/ukigumo.swf < This is really something beautiful, please check it out.
http://thebest404pageever.com/swf/Super_Spice_Bros_64.swf

5thNovember2012

Although I've got Webster (my dog)'s ashes today, I would much prefer to have him well and alive. It's so strange having him in a little box, it's quite upsetting but at the same time it sets my heart at a little rest now that I've got him back. I'm not too sure how to feel about it yet. Such a big dog with such a big heart, fitted into a little box to never become alive once again. Everything I'm stating here is so obvious, but it's so hard to get my head around it all. I still feel he's with me, I still imagine he's alive and that I can contact him. Sadly though this is not true, I will never get to hold him again, I will never be able to play with him again, I will never be able to tell him to his face that I love him and show him how much I love him. All dogs go to heaven, and I know that he's still keeping me warm and loved. It's really hard losing someone you love, and he was one of the highest rated beings in my life. I always use to think I wouldn't be able to cope without him by my side, but truthfully I am, quite well actually. I only had another breakdown last night, and before that it was the day after his death. I think this is due to my friend telling me he misses me, and then trying to get in a war of who misses who the most, but all I could think about was how much I miss Webster in comparison to my friend. I really miss my dog, and I want him here. It has not properly processed that he's not here, but I know that something's missing, my heart feels empty and still.
Here is a video of Webster and me from just over a year ago, we had so many happy times together.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1862896626617 I'm not entirely sure if you'll be able to view it, but I do hope so. I am so happy that I have this footage of him, it shows the true happiness of this dog. He was such a playful, friendly and active creature.

4thNovember2012

Business course work has head fucked me, I've had to write about purposes amongst organisations within the animal industry, how the organisations meet the objectives of the diverse range of stakeholders within the animal industry and factors which influence the responsibilities of organisations within the animal industry and the strategies employed to meet them. This all has to be in report format as if I was an information officer for DEFRA. I wouldn't be struggling with it so badly if I had any clue whatsoever about business, but sadly I do not. There's simply some subjects that will not go into my brain at all; of course business and the majority of science. I've been pretty lucky with this business assignment though as firstly I had an extension from October the 26th to November the 5th (due to lack of emotional readiness), my friends at uni have already completed it, meaning I can get guidance from their work, and my friend Sean completed a business module at secondary school for two years so he was over earlier very nicely helping me with it.
It angers me when someone tells you that they miss you, and then proceed to ignore you. Possibly I'm just being a little impatient, with a 12 minute gap of silence on their part, but you make an effort to have a flowing conversation with someone if you miss them. What makes it worse is that I have huge feelings for them, just with a little 'miss you' it got my heart pumping faster.. Right, I'm a over-reactor, but seriously my point stands. Around a month ago this person was doing the exact same thing of not talking to me very much at all, and not seeming to want to talk to me either, I put this down to him having a friend stay over for a month though. It stopped for a few days when my dog passed away, and then it started straight back up again. I wouldn't say this is him purposely not talking to me at all, just him not thinking about talking to me. One moment I want to murder him, one moment I want to kiss his sweet lips. I hate him, I love him.

3rdNovember2012

Today has revolved around work, I haven't done much before that and work is work really. Afterwards though my friend Sean came to see me in his tiger onesie, so I put on my reindeer onesie and we watched horror films with my dad. I'm being pretty useless at remembering what any of the films are called, so I'll describe them instead. The first was about three inbred, cannibal, hillbilly brothers, they escaped from the asylum and ate everyone else there. There were a group of people around 20+ who to refuge there to get out of the snowstorm and slowly got killed by all of them. The other film was about a girl who got raped by 5 males and then got revenge on all of them by brutally murdering them. I approve of the second film, all rapists should be killed like this as they have no rightful place in the world. I really don't see how anyone could sink so low to rape someone, it all seems rather desperate to me. I have harsh views on people who treat other people terribly, no use to their life whatsoever.

2ndNovember2012

Although I love my cousin very dearly, I do wish that she would sleep in the spare room tonight. It's far too hot in my room, and she's agreed with that. I only have a single bed, which is tiny for sharing when you're not cuddling up to the other person. We've had a nice evening other than now though, we went for some food together, had a drink together and then went round families together. Sadly the drink didn't go well for me at all and I had to make myself throw up for me to feel better. I'm feeling to blame it on the rum that was in my cocktail, silly strawberry daiquiri.

1stNovember2012

Last night didn't go as well as planned, my friends house who I was going to; Jordan, his youngest brother has been in hospital for the past few days and this is the first day that his mother has came home in 4. She was extremely stressed out and things kicked off between her and Jordan, over him taking his middle brother out trick or treating. We eventually got to take him out for a little while but things still weren't good when we got back, she seemed very angry and said that she needed to talk to the both of them. I really do hope that the youngest brother is okay, and wish the best for the family.
Now onto today, I haven't done much at all this morning and this afternoon, although I woke up at a time that I could have been reasonably productive with course work through. Instead I've chilled in my bed and watched Silent Hill 1, in preparation for tomorrow when I'll be going to watch the second in the cinema.
This evening has been spent at the local pub with my good friend Nick who I haven't seen in a couple of weeks. We had a good catch up and as per usual our conversation was flowing and we had an enjoyable time.
Now I am just waiting for my friend Chris to come over as he's supposed to be staying over for the night. I am in deep hope that nothing will happen between us, and hopefully instead we'll just sleep and he will leave me alone. I'm planning on using the red card, which seems to work most of the time. Well wish me luck for tonight <3