31stDecember2012
The whole day was spent in preparation of cleaning for a small new years party my family were hosting. I managed to clean out all of my animals and clean my room in the time that the rest of the house got done in. I managed not to invite Alex to the party, which is rather surprising and is something I have right to be proud over. People started to turn up at the house at around 6 in the evening, and I was gone by 2am the next day. A good 15+ people came, but arriving and leaving at different times. I had a very enjoyable evening, and it was a nice way to end the year. House parties are something I really enjoy, and I hope to have many of them in the year 2013.
30thDecember2012
Today started off sad with another one of my babies leaving. It was my friend's cousin's friend who was having the hamster, but it was my friend's cousin and aunty who came and picked up the hamster as it was a surprise Christmas present. I'm sad to see my darling baby go, but it's probably for the best as I can only assume the hamster will get more attention over there as I have so many.
Seems as I was awake early, I decided to finally go near my Christmas presents and enjoy them a little before work. Sadly that was not much time at all, but still it was nice. I may have had a slight accident of hitting a bus while driving to work, which I'm highly embarrassed about. I wasn't so much shocked, instead more angry because a driver next to me wouldn't allow me to pull out, and my mother was screaming at me. The whole through of it makes me angry still, so I'm just going to be quiet now.
Work itself wasn't too bad, it ended reasonably quickly and then I got to go home and relax in preparation for new years eve!
Seems as I was awake early, I decided to finally go near my Christmas presents and enjoy them a little before work. Sadly that was not much time at all, but still it was nice. I may have had a slight accident of hitting a bus while driving to work, which I'm highly embarrassed about. I wasn't so much shocked, instead more angry because a driver next to me wouldn't allow me to pull out, and my mother was screaming at me. The whole through of it makes me angry still, so I'm just going to be quiet now.
Work itself wasn't too bad, it ended reasonably quickly and then I got to go home and relax in preparation for new years eve!
29thDecember2012
Although I've still been working today, I still appreciated it being back to my normal four hours of 4 - 8. They under-estimated this time though as we took a little longer cleaning up after all the customers. It was a nice day as it was spent with those who I'm use to working with and feel very comfortable around. Again I was called to the tills a lot, but it wasn't as bad as the past few days.
28thDecember2012
Finally I've ended my last day of overtime for this week. Again everything at work was so busy, and they over-expected things from me once again. I was working from 10 - 6, and supposed to be covering the women's sale for the whole day, but instead kept being called to the tills even though it meant the sale looked very messy and there was no one sorting it out. It has a hectic day, and I'm very happy for it to be over!
27thDecember2012
Today at work hasn't been up-kept as well as yesterday. I was by myself mainly for the whole of women's sale items, and spent an equal time behind the tills as I did on my section as they stupidly did not think about how important it is that I stay in my section. It was a real pain, as every time I left my section for even a couple of minutes, it would be completely trashed. It was getting so bad at one time that in the first minute of me being back to my section, I was again called to the tills to sort out their problem of not having enough till staff. Today was really hard going on me, and I was rather stressed throughout all of it. There was so much for one person to cover. I believe that I could have coped if I hadn't been called away from the section, or if I didn't have to stop for breaks, but sadly in that time it all piled up on me. It's been a hard couple of days at work. I think today has been much worse as there was a lot less staff, my energy levels were down from working yesterday, I was on the section by myself, and I kept being pulled away from it to help other people out. I don't think it was fair of certain people to keep pulling me away from my section when they were aware of how much had to be done. It needed constant attention, and I wasn't allowed to do that.
All my hard effort was again noticed though, as my coach for the couple of days kept complementing me on how well I've been doing, telling other staff how well I've been doing, and the manager of ladies-wear even got me a Christmas cupcake. Although something small, it's a big perk and it made me feel really good about myself. So many people have been supportive throughout my work days, and I really do appreciate it. I love my team <3
All my hard effort was again noticed though, as my coach for the couple of days kept complementing me on how well I've been doing, telling other staff how well I've been doing, and the manager of ladies-wear even got me a Christmas cupcake. Although something small, it's a big perk and it made me feel really good about myself. So many people have been supportive throughout my work days, and I really do appreciate it. I love my team <3
26thDecember2012
I got through my first ever 12* hour work shift today! I'm very tired, but I can be appreciative of the money later. It was a nice surprise to hear that I would be working with a friend of mine that I usually work with on Saturdays. She's a very lovely girl that I get on with easily, she's also very hard-working, which results in me trying hard too. We both started at 10, with her leaving me at 4, and me working until 9, as we ended an hour early. We were so on-top of our section (women's sale items), and we were getting complements all throughout the day, it was truly beautiful for a section of sale. I've had a good day as it was rather successful and I can feel truly proud of myself.
25thDecember2012
Christmas day! Although not religious in any way, shape or form, I celebrate Christmas as it's a very happy time of year that seems to have turned into a thing for those not religious as well. Christmas celebrations have been taken well out of proportion for the whole religious concept, but I guess that's just something that comes along with everything in this day and age. I believe my day started at a late 9.30, after a long time spent at work the previous day and being woken up by the loud voice of my inconsiderate dad. Mum and me got brushed up a little and the family sat downstairs in the front room to open the presents waiting under the tree for us. If I can remember correctly from this awfully long day, I received an acoustic guitar, lots of money and chocolate a hippo teddy that you stick in the microwave that acts as a heater, perfume, body gifts and a fair amount of computer games such as The Sims 3, Simpsons Road Rage, Mario Olympic Sports and a couple of others. I am thankful for everyone that got me presents, or contributed to me having a good Christmas somehow.
Our first trip was to my cousin's house to give her a present of one of my baby hamsters. I do hope she'll give it good care, it'll upset me greatly if I hear anything bad has happened to her. My cousin (Ashleigh) ended up naming her Amy, which is what we all expected anyway. Ashleigh was very excited, and very happy, it was rather sweet to watch even if I am worried for my baby's sake.
Next my parents and I went to my Nan's house for Christmas dinner. It was nice being there, and we even got a visit from my cousins, aunty and uncle. The majority of food was tasty, and I was left to do no cleaning up or moving as I had a long day before and will be having a long week of work following.
The final stop was to my aunty's house, where a lot of my family congregated to watch telly, talk, and divide ourselves into two teams to play a board game. It was nice spending time with my family, however I felt like I couldn't enjoy it properly because I had work the next day and it was stressing me out. Even with being with so many people I was feeling lonely, I put this down to how knackered I've been though. I just need a good long sleep, but sadly this will not be happening as I've once again got work tomorrow.
It has been a nice Christmas day, and I have loved being to see those that mean a lot to me in my family.
Our first trip was to my cousin's house to give her a present of one of my baby hamsters. I do hope she'll give it good care, it'll upset me greatly if I hear anything bad has happened to her. My cousin (Ashleigh) ended up naming her Amy, which is what we all expected anyway. Ashleigh was very excited, and very happy, it was rather sweet to watch even if I am worried for my baby's sake.
Next my parents and I went to my Nan's house for Christmas dinner. It was nice being there, and we even got a visit from my cousins, aunty and uncle. The majority of food was tasty, and I was left to do no cleaning up or moving as I had a long day before and will be having a long week of work following.
The final stop was to my aunty's house, where a lot of my family congregated to watch telly, talk, and divide ourselves into two teams to play a board game. It was nice spending time with my family, however I felt like I couldn't enjoy it properly because I had work the next day and it was stressing me out. Even with being with so many people I was feeling lonely, I put this down to how knackered I've been though. I just need a good long sleep, but sadly this will not be happening as I've once again got work tomorrow.
It has been a nice Christmas day, and I have loved being to see those that mean a lot to me in my family.
24thDecember2012
Once again I have spent my whole day at work and have had to let go of one of my baby hamsters. Work went reasonably well considering I was there for nearly 7 hours. It wasn't very interesting either as all we were doing was pricing products with the sale price. I was set on the kids section, so I'm rather happy that I was working with miniature (easier) clothes. Afterwards I walked to my Aunties and spent time with the family, it was nice even though we didn't do or talk about much. It was 8.30 that a lady (Jo) came to pick up one of the babies, she's very nice and very inquisitive. I believe she will take good care of the hamster, which makes me feel much better, I hope the baby has a happy life. Later in the evening my parents decided to go to our local pub for Christmas eve. I wasn't planning on following them, but I ended up there anyway. I had a nice evening spent there with my friend Laura, and my friend Sean. It was a nice night, however I wish I was at home and asleep for when the time turns to Christmas.
23rdDecember2012
I've been slacking a lot lately with my blog posts, I've just been far too busy to have any actual thoughts on my life at the moment. All I do throughout my days is work, go to college, or do coursework. I'm mainly looking forward to Christmas for the lie in, or the non-early morning anyway. I feel Christmas is a time to be spent with family, whom I love very dearly. My pets are a big part of that family, and they always have my best intentions. I don't understand how some people can appreciate animals less than they do people, or even why they rate humans higher than animals. It's not fair at all, and I can't wait to go vegan!
22ndDecember2012
It's just a few days to Christmas now. I'm feeling very festive, but sadly just very, very tired. First I was being over-taken by coursework, and now that's changed for just work. I suppose I would appreciate it a little more if I wasn't getting paid a small amount of £5.25 an hour (27p over the minimum wage), and no extra pay even though they've pretty much forced me into working some of the days. I shouldn't really complain though, as anything £5 or over will do me better than anything has before in my life. Being tired sucks, and sadly for me I'm continuously tired for the majority of my life.
21stDecember2012
I'm accepting that the ex (Alex) doesn't love me any more at the moment, I say at the moment because my hopefulness brings back that feeling. I am far too hopeful for my own good. He has moved on a lot from when we were together, and a lot since after the break up. I hate how I can never seem to get my head around us not being together, and the fact that we will never get back together. I wish for nothing more than that, but that's far too much to ask Alex, as he feels like his life would be controlled by me. If I could control him that easily, I most definitely would have forced him into asking me into a relationship by now! Things are strange, and I don't understand why I'm being so accepting at the moment.
20thDecember2012
Coursework has still not been finished, meaning I'll have to be in tomorrow to finally have everything complete. I feel the only rightful thing to talk about today is my girl crush, on a friend from college. I don't think it's genuine feelings for her, more that I'm bi-curious and she's an attractive girl. It's not that I spend all day at college just staring at her, and neither is she often what's on my mind. I've just been thinking about it a little more today than other days as she kindly gave me a lift home, and then I showed her around my place and all the animals. She's a kind person, and all it is, is a little girl crush.
19thDecember2012
I'm still feeling weird about last nights conversation with Alex, I think it was all far too much to take in at once. I want to see him right this moment and cuddle him so tightly, but then I feel as if he would prefer we didn't act that way so instead I say nothing. Fucking hell he is right, I do over-think things far too much, especially things in relation to him. Damn-it, why am I like the way that I am?!
My day has been spent procrastinating over coursework, and then finally coursework after a good few hours of not being able to concentrate. The coursework I was focusing on today was for a presentation, my part is a discussion on relevant health and welfare legislation affecting the production of livestock. I've got most the way through it, but just need to add in two more pieces of legislation and then look it all over, hopefully it'll go well.
My day has been spent procrastinating over coursework, and then finally coursework after a good few hours of not being able to concentrate. The coursework I was focusing on today was for a presentation, my part is a discussion on relevant health and welfare legislation affecting the production of livestock. I've got most the way through it, but just need to add in two more pieces of legislation and then look it all over, hopefully it'll go well.
18thDecember2012
It has been a very long night, but a somewhat nice one. On the bus back home from college I was feeling unreasonably angry at Alex, there was no particular reason for it, just simply because it was getting close to the time that we were meant to be seeing each other and neither of us had contacted the other yet. Thinking back to it now, I don't understand why I couldn't have just rang him first, I suppose sometimes and a lot recently that he simply doesn't have time for me, so I give up trying. My angriness could also be linked to someone being sat next to me, when they could have easily pissed off and sat somewhere else. While sat there with my angry little face on, Alex called me. My face obviously brightened up and I was feeling happy again. We sorted out plans of when and where we would meet, and it was all good again. He was a little late, that irritated me as it was cold and I wanted to see him, but that's just me over-reacting. Things were a little quiet in my opinion for when we first start talking, but it was nothing too bad.
Spending time with him at my house was nice, we were expecting a free house, but my parents changed their mind just yesterday. I would have preferred if my parents were out, it makes Alex feel much more comfortable and it means that we don't spend the whole time in my bedroom. It was a relaxed evening though, with many intimate, comforting, and happy moments, although I did end up having a down hour. While on the phone to Alex, he mentioned staying over, which I had not even considered, but saying that got me feeling that he would be able to. I seriously love sleeping with him, I would say it's more to the fact that it is him rather than because it's someone to cuddle up to in bed. I use to have my down hours every time when meeting up with him, for either no reason, or a pathetic one, however I have not done this for a few months now. Before my down moments, I get angry moments, where I just want to hurt Alex, and be really annoying towards him. I can't control either of these feelings, and I'm not sure what brings them on. I am proud with how long I haven't done either for though, just seems a shame to have ruined it last night. The down hours aren't fun for anyone, it means that I say barely anything and can't even make a comment on why I am feeling sad. It usually comes when I know Alex is close to leaving, and ends up with me in tears if he's getting a lift back as it's an instant leaving, opposed to if I walk him some way back to his.
The walk back is usually where I perk back up, but by then it is too late to talk about anything properly (although we do). We had a bus stop with a bench that we tend to sit on, and talk for ages on. Our conversation there lasted for two hours, with another 30 minute walk to there. We left my house at around 22.30, and I managed to get back to my house at around 1.40, it was a long night. We discussed multiple things, and he was very certain about getting all of out problems talked about so that we're all good for the night. I could honestly go on forever talking to him about what I want and what I feel, but he knows it all already.
I can't remember how the conversations started, but I will get straight into it. One of the major conversations was him finding out that I had kissed someone that I don't know on my Wednesday night out the other week, and my friend Scott who I kissed a few months ago. Personally I thought it was something that Alex doesn't need to know about, and that it wouldn't be a problem if he didn't know about it. He was feeling angry at first, not because of what I had done, but because of he felt it's something he should know because of how we are with each other. He said it feels like he had be cheated on, and that I was being dishonest. His feelings are that if anything happens between me and someone else, that he would much prefer I told him, rather than me keeping it from him to save him from pain. My feelings are that I would want to know that if he had gotten off with someone, that I would want to know, but if there was no chance of me finding out, then it would be much better for me not to know. That stands for kisses that have no feelings put into them, but not those where we have genuine feelings for the other person. We left it that we're allowed to get with other people, but not through our purpose doing, and anything that does happen with someone else, we will tell each other willingly about it. There was two occasions where I had kissed my friend, from him coming onto me the first time, and us mutually being okay with kisses the second time. On the second time, Alex was there too and I was being intimate with both of them on that night. I do have attractions for this other person, but not strong ones at all. I now know that it's something that Alex would want to know about, but I physically feel like I am not able to be honest about it to him, and sadly I'm now getting myself deeper and deeper in dishonesty. The main thing I am worried about is how he will react, and that's not something I can cope with easily. He would rather know about what has happened, soon after it has happened, whereas I feel better about knowing about it months after, as I feel like I can accept it much more easily that way. From his sense, I am lying to him about the other guy, but from my perspective it's just me hiding it rather than lying. If he asked me if I had gotten off with anyone else, I would try not to speak about it, but there's no way I would straight out say no. I feel it's got far too untruthful now that I will never be able to speak about it, I'm far too scared and I don't know what to do about it. Although he said he would rather know about it, I don't see much of a problem with speaking about it as it was so long ago.
He believes that I am emotionally blackmailing him, through me saying that I could not be friends with him once he finds someone else he likes and is in a relationship with, and through me telling him that I would be off with him for around two weeks once I had found about him getting off with someone for the night. This is just how I cope with things though, I would much rather hide away than confront the truth with him. I see where he is coming from with the emotional blackmail, but in no way is this my intentions, I just feel as if he should know what my reaction would be and why I would act that way. He feels as if he has missed out on getting off with people on a night out (simply kisses and nothing more), and feels it is unfair that I have been doing so without his knowing.
The last major thing we talked about was over us in a relationship. He knows completely that I love him, and that I would love to be back in a relationship with him. He tells me so often that he doesn't feel the same way, but sadly his actions contradict this, and instead fill me with hope rather than allowing me to move on from him. I suppose this is another form of emotional blackmail, although he doesn't realise what it is doing to him. I want to talk to him about it next time we have a deep conversation, but that all depends on how I'm feeling at the time and if I remember to. I physically feel like I cannot get into another relationship, even calling him my ex ex would make a big impact on me, and I would not be able to cope with it. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and he wants nothing more than to be a single individual opposed to being with someone, however he did say that if he was interested in a relationship, that I would be the first person that he would go to. Even two years later after all of out relationship problems, and even though we have grown up so much and chanced ridiculous amounts, he still feels that things would not work out between us. He feels as if I would control him too much in a relationship (which after a while of dating would become true), however he has nothing real to prove this.
All I am asking for, is that he would give a second chance to me to be in a relationship with him, but sadly he is not willing to do this. He is happy with his life now, and he can see how much effort and pain a relationship would make for the both of us. He asked me "Are you happy with how we are now?", although he didn't give me a chance to answer, and instead went onto something else, my answer would have been no. I am not happy with how Alex and me are at the moment, I want so much more than that. We don't fit into a category of anything, and one of the closest that we do is something horrible. We're clearly not in a relationship (although it feels this way), we don't accept calling it as seeing each other (for some reason I don't know why), and we don't call it friends with benefits as there is so many feelings in the relationship we have.
I want more.
Spending time with him at my house was nice, we were expecting a free house, but my parents changed their mind just yesterday. I would have preferred if my parents were out, it makes Alex feel much more comfortable and it means that we don't spend the whole time in my bedroom. It was a relaxed evening though, with many intimate, comforting, and happy moments, although I did end up having a down hour. While on the phone to Alex, he mentioned staying over, which I had not even considered, but saying that got me feeling that he would be able to. I seriously love sleeping with him, I would say it's more to the fact that it is him rather than because it's someone to cuddle up to in bed. I use to have my down hours every time when meeting up with him, for either no reason, or a pathetic one, however I have not done this for a few months now. Before my down moments, I get angry moments, where I just want to hurt Alex, and be really annoying towards him. I can't control either of these feelings, and I'm not sure what brings them on. I am proud with how long I haven't done either for though, just seems a shame to have ruined it last night. The down hours aren't fun for anyone, it means that I say barely anything and can't even make a comment on why I am feeling sad. It usually comes when I know Alex is close to leaving, and ends up with me in tears if he's getting a lift back as it's an instant leaving, opposed to if I walk him some way back to his.
The walk back is usually where I perk back up, but by then it is too late to talk about anything properly (although we do). We had a bus stop with a bench that we tend to sit on, and talk for ages on. Our conversation there lasted for two hours, with another 30 minute walk to there. We left my house at around 22.30, and I managed to get back to my house at around 1.40, it was a long night. We discussed multiple things, and he was very certain about getting all of out problems talked about so that we're all good for the night. I could honestly go on forever talking to him about what I want and what I feel, but he knows it all already.
I can't remember how the conversations started, but I will get straight into it. One of the major conversations was him finding out that I had kissed someone that I don't know on my Wednesday night out the other week, and my friend Scott who I kissed a few months ago. Personally I thought it was something that Alex doesn't need to know about, and that it wouldn't be a problem if he didn't know about it. He was feeling angry at first, not because of what I had done, but because of he felt it's something he should know because of how we are with each other. He said it feels like he had be cheated on, and that I was being dishonest. His feelings are that if anything happens between me and someone else, that he would much prefer I told him, rather than me keeping it from him to save him from pain. My feelings are that I would want to know that if he had gotten off with someone, that I would want to know, but if there was no chance of me finding out, then it would be much better for me not to know. That stands for kisses that have no feelings put into them, but not those where we have genuine feelings for the other person. We left it that we're allowed to get with other people, but not through our purpose doing, and anything that does happen with someone else, we will tell each other willingly about it. There was two occasions where I had kissed my friend, from him coming onto me the first time, and us mutually being okay with kisses the second time. On the second time, Alex was there too and I was being intimate with both of them on that night. I do have attractions for this other person, but not strong ones at all. I now know that it's something that Alex would want to know about, but I physically feel like I am not able to be honest about it to him, and sadly I'm now getting myself deeper and deeper in dishonesty. The main thing I am worried about is how he will react, and that's not something I can cope with easily. He would rather know about what has happened, soon after it has happened, whereas I feel better about knowing about it months after, as I feel like I can accept it much more easily that way. From his sense, I am lying to him about the other guy, but from my perspective it's just me hiding it rather than lying. If he asked me if I had gotten off with anyone else, I would try not to speak about it, but there's no way I would straight out say no. I feel it's got far too untruthful now that I will never be able to speak about it, I'm far too scared and I don't know what to do about it. Although he said he would rather know about it, I don't see much of a problem with speaking about it as it was so long ago.
He believes that I am emotionally blackmailing him, through me saying that I could not be friends with him once he finds someone else he likes and is in a relationship with, and through me telling him that I would be off with him for around two weeks once I had found about him getting off with someone for the night. This is just how I cope with things though, I would much rather hide away than confront the truth with him. I see where he is coming from with the emotional blackmail, but in no way is this my intentions, I just feel as if he should know what my reaction would be and why I would act that way. He feels as if he has missed out on getting off with people on a night out (simply kisses and nothing more), and feels it is unfair that I have been doing so without his knowing.
The last major thing we talked about was over us in a relationship. He knows completely that I love him, and that I would love to be back in a relationship with him. He tells me so often that he doesn't feel the same way, but sadly his actions contradict this, and instead fill me with hope rather than allowing me to move on from him. I suppose this is another form of emotional blackmail, although he doesn't realise what it is doing to him. I want to talk to him about it next time we have a deep conversation, but that all depends on how I'm feeling at the time and if I remember to. I physically feel like I cannot get into another relationship, even calling him my ex ex would make a big impact on me, and I would not be able to cope with it. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and he wants nothing more than to be a single individual opposed to being with someone, however he did say that if he was interested in a relationship, that I would be the first person that he would go to. Even two years later after all of out relationship problems, and even though we have grown up so much and chanced ridiculous amounts, he still feels that things would not work out between us. He feels as if I would control him too much in a relationship (which after a while of dating would become true), however he has nothing real to prove this.
All I am asking for, is that he would give a second chance to me to be in a relationship with him, but sadly he is not willing to do this. He is happy with his life now, and he can see how much effort and pain a relationship would make for the both of us. He asked me "Are you happy with how we are now?", although he didn't give me a chance to answer, and instead went onto something else, my answer would have been no. I am not happy with how Alex and me are at the moment, I want so much more than that. We don't fit into a category of anything, and one of the closest that we do is something horrible. We're clearly not in a relationship (although it feels this way), we don't accept calling it as seeing each other (for some reason I don't know why), and we don't call it friends with benefits as there is so many feelings in the relationship we have.
I want more.
17thDecember2012
I'm feeling rather no zoned in at the moment, there's very many feelings and thoughts on my mind. Although I've had a break from everything today, it doesn't mean that I'm any less stressed than I was before. I've been in London today, with my darling mother. It's something we tend to do every year around Christmas time. We visited multiple places, one worth mentioning is Harrods. It's a beautiful place, filled with lots of money where you can buy just about anything. It's really for the richer customers, but Christmas time comes around and there seems to be something for everyone. We use to visit Santa and his grotto every year when I was younger, I remember it to be a beautiful and magical place. While in the queue for Santa, free gingerbread cookies and whistle lollies were given out, but sadly they've changed it that you have to book to go now, meaning no queues, thus no gingerbread men or whistle lollies. The outside of the building has beautiful featured windows, and this year they went with a Disney princess theme. I enjoy going to Harrods a lot, especially to pet kingdom where they have animals such as dogs, cats, and hamsters on display. Two animals that caught my attention today were two kittens, but sadly it didn't state their breed or price, I can imagine them to be around £17,000 each though. The animals there are pure-breed and very elegant. Hamleys is another place we tend to visit, but sadly did not today. It's a huge toy store, for all ages. We visited Winter Wonderland today for the first time, it was nice, however I felt it was too market like, with more expensive products. I didn't like how all the shops were repetitive, having at least two stalls for each business. I wouldn't mind going again, but if so I would get tickets to see the circus, the ice sculptures and tickets to go on the ice rink. I've had a nice day in London, and I thank my mum greatly for it.
My first hamster has gone off today, to my best friend Lean. I told her about the situation of the hamster being on edge and not very well, and she mentioned about giving it orange to hydrate it (which they cannot eat). As she now works in pets at home she thinks she is all knowledgeable, but this most definitely is not the case. Pets at home isn't very good for their welfare of animals, and I don't support it at all. She seems to think that having a hamster wheel in the cage when they first move in will stress them out, but with logic I can say it will do the opposite if they're use to having a wheel. She's leaving it out for a week, and I'm feeling terribly sorry for my hamster that will be bored and will chew on the bars terribly.
Another thing I'm stressed about is coursework, where I only have 3 days in which to complete it. I'll probably end up getting a referral on one piece though, it's only expected.
Things with Alex and I are still strange, however we're seeing each other tomorrow so hopefully it can get sorted out. He's being far too social at the moment, leaving next to no time for us to talk properly. I don't like it at all, and hope this changes soon.
My first hamster has gone off today, to my best friend Lean. I told her about the situation of the hamster being on edge and not very well, and she mentioned about giving it orange to hydrate it (which they cannot eat). As she now works in pets at home she thinks she is all knowledgeable, but this most definitely is not the case. Pets at home isn't very good for their welfare of animals, and I don't support it at all. She seems to think that having a hamster wheel in the cage when they first move in will stress them out, but with logic I can say it will do the opposite if they're use to having a wheel. She's leaving it out for a week, and I'm feeling terribly sorry for my hamster that will be bored and will chew on the bars terribly.
Another thing I'm stressed about is coursework, where I only have 3 days in which to complete it. I'll probably end up getting a referral on one piece though, it's only expected.
Things with Alex and I are still strange, however we're seeing each other tomorrow so hopefully it can get sorted out. He's being far too social at the moment, leaving next to no time for us to talk properly. I don't like it at all, and hope this changes soon.
16thDecember2012
I'm absolutely fucking knackered right now, it's been such a long day and I can't wait to get to sleep. Sadly the sleep won't last for long though, as I'm out tomorrow and will have to be waking up at around six in the morning. My day has really only consisted of work and then putting up my Christmas trees in the evening. My work day started at 11 and ended at 7, with an extra 3 hours. It's been a good day at work, although I've been rather sleepy. I did a little bit of everything at work today; on the shop floor, in the stock room, and on the tills.
I'm a little worried about my baby boy going to my best friend Lean tomorrow, as he's not been feeling very well lately and anything little seems to be stressing him out majorly. I think I may suggest her to take a baby girl instead, I'll see how she feels about it. As this boy doesn't seem healthy and I don't it would be such a good idea to take him into a completely new environment, with new surroundings and a new owner. Hopefully she understands.
I'm a little worried about my baby boy going to my best friend Lean tomorrow, as he's not been feeling very well lately and anything little seems to be stressing him out majorly. I think I may suggest her to take a baby girl instead, I'll see how she feels about it. As this boy doesn't seem healthy and I don't it would be such a good idea to take him into a completely new environment, with new surroundings and a new owner. Hopefully she understands.
15thDecember2012
I seriously have no clue with what's going on with Alex at the moment, he's being so strange towards me and I really don't like it. I miss the days where we had to speak every day, where seriously enjoyed seeing me, and the days where it seemed as if he did genuinely like me. Hopefully we can get everything sorted in the next few days! We're seeing each other on Tuesday, so possibly then.
My day's been spent at work today, from 11 to 9. Ten hours is the longest I've done so far, until next week until I've got a 12 hour shift. It really has taken it out of me, I'm a lot more dead when I'm tired and even people that know me have commented on how I don't seem myself of cheerful and loud. It's safe to say that I will sleep well tonight!
My day's been spent at work today, from 11 to 9. Ten hours is the longest I've done so far, until next week until I've got a 12 hour shift. It really has taken it out of me, I'm a lot more dead when I'm tired and even people that know me have commented on how I don't seem myself of cheerful and loud. It's safe to say that I will sleep well tonight!
14thDecember2012
I've spent my day at college, and it's all gone rather well. I started off the day with Ecology, where we had a talk about countryside management, outside, while it was raining. My bottom half was so wet and cold, as the water proof jacket wasn't very beneficial for the bottom half that it was allowing all of the water to run onto. The second period was spent cleaning REALLY dusty enclosures, that are being prepared for out nocturnal animals. I'm sure it won't be ready for a very long time, but they'll get there eventually. The next lesson has completely flew over my head, and I've got no recollection of it at all. The last lesson of the day however, was production. We didn't discuss much, just had help available if we needed it for our presentation that's in for next week. I've had a good day, but I can't wait to go to sleep.
13thDecember2012
I've still been feeling stressed out today. I've got two pieces of coursework to start for this next week, and have only just finished my final piece of coursework in for this week. I haven't started the two for next week yet, as I've been unable to do this week on my coursework 'free' week, but sadly I've had 3 bits of failed work to do for this week. I'd say this is my main reason for being stressed, but it's causing me to be more easily stressed about other things. Such as the fact that I have no time for anything else such as having a social life and getting valuable amounts of sleep. I just don't have time to do anything, and I'm going to end up being so down that I give up although Christmas break is soon, I will be stressed again straight after starting for the term. I've still got to sort out work experience for February as we've got the whole month off to do so.
Things still don't seem okay with Alex. I know it's an extremely little thing to pick up on, but he's only sending me two kisses per text, whereas he use to send three. None, one, or two kisses from him indicate that something's not right. It's only just become a thought that he may be seeing someone, or interested in someone else. This would really break me, and I hope that I'm just being paranoid. I can't imagine Alex would tell me, instead he's wait for me to ask him before he made any moves with her. Alex once tweeted "The concept of love is ridiculous, of course someone's actions and mannerisms is going to affect how you feel about them", after he had heard that Chris and I had sex. I believe I love Alex unconditionally, as no actions of his seem to do any deep impact on me, such as his drug habit.
I WILL get everything sorted, and this Christmas break will be a good one!
Things still don't seem okay with Alex. I know it's an extremely little thing to pick up on, but he's only sending me two kisses per text, whereas he use to send three. None, one, or two kisses from him indicate that something's not right. It's only just become a thought that he may be seeing someone, or interested in someone else. This would really break me, and I hope that I'm just being paranoid. I can't imagine Alex would tell me, instead he's wait for me to ask him before he made any moves with her. Alex once tweeted "The concept of love is ridiculous, of course someone's actions and mannerisms is going to affect how you feel about them", after he had heard that Chris and I had sex. I believe I love Alex unconditionally, as no actions of his seem to do any deep impact on me, such as his drug habit.
I WILL get everything sorted, and this Christmas break will be a good one!
12thDecember2012
I'm feeling rather down today, and especially tonight. I'm very stressed at the moment with my college course and coursework, and now I have sadly lost a hamster. It was one of the dear baby boys, which I nursed for a little while but sadly the hamster did not pull through. What's worse is that it looked in pain before it went, and I feel it may have been my fault as it may have been stressed from being put together with the other males. At first I just thought it was seriously sleepy, until I realised that it was in shock and was barely moving. It was having a lot of trouble breathing, seeming as if it had something caught inside of it and couldn't shift it. It kept looking as if it was going to throw up, with movements of stretching the neck to push something out, but with research I found out that hamsters can't be sick. I have just checked it now with the certainty of death, the body is cold and stiff. I was determined to get this hamster to pull through, but my hopes were not strong enough. I love all of my animals as if they were my own children, but I suppose as I grow older and have children of my own, this will not be the case. My nursing of tonight has sadly failed for this hamster. I am truly devastated and do not wish to fail on an animal again. Although I am usually proud of my nursing habits, but today I cannot be.
My most proud nursing of an animal was when dad put harm-free mouse traps in the back garden. A mouse was caught and looking rather hopeless before I came to it. The mouse was all wet and hadn't been drying for many hours, my parents put it in one of our spare cages, gave it food, water, and a house. Still the mouse didn't seem any better. I took it into my room that night, washed it off with warm water in the sink, and put it back in the house to dry off. A little while later it was finally dry, but still not seeming lively at all. I held it close to my body and allowed it to sleep on me for warmth and comfort. The mouse perked up that night, and I placed it in the cage for the night to ensure that it was okay until the morning. Unfortunately it flew out of my mind that the mouse would be able to escape, as it was a wire cage which it could squeeze through. The wild mouse was in my room for the day, or possibly two until I set the mouse trap down in my room for it to get caught again. It worked, and we set it free that night, after giving it plenty of food and water.
As it's been a couple of hours since I first posted this, I can now tell you that the other youngest boy is having similar problems. This is the fourth hamster today that has been struggling. The first wasn't using its back legs to walk, although it could move them. The second was in shock from being dropped, which only lasted for about 30 seconds. The third I mentioned earlier, and now this. I have separated it from the other hamsters, just encase it is because it's with new hamsters, and would prefer to be alone. I've ensured it has enough food, warmth, water, and a nice enclosure. I would be so gutted to wake up tomorrow to find another gone, especially as it needs to be a day of concentration. Hopefully this one will pull through, it doesn't seem too far gone as it's only a little wobbly while walking. I wish I knew what has set off all the hamsters, possibly a food that I've given them. I'll feed them nuggets tomorrow, to ensure they're getting the right nutrient intake. Oh how I hope my baby boy is okay!
My most proud nursing of an animal was when dad put harm-free mouse traps in the back garden. A mouse was caught and looking rather hopeless before I came to it. The mouse was all wet and hadn't been drying for many hours, my parents put it in one of our spare cages, gave it food, water, and a house. Still the mouse didn't seem any better. I took it into my room that night, washed it off with warm water in the sink, and put it back in the house to dry off. A little while later it was finally dry, but still not seeming lively at all. I held it close to my body and allowed it to sleep on me for warmth and comfort. The mouse perked up that night, and I placed it in the cage for the night to ensure that it was okay until the morning. Unfortunately it flew out of my mind that the mouse would be able to escape, as it was a wire cage which it could squeeze through. The wild mouse was in my room for the day, or possibly two until I set the mouse trap down in my room for it to get caught again. It worked, and we set it free that night, after giving it plenty of food and water.
As it's been a couple of hours since I first posted this, I can now tell you that the other youngest boy is having similar problems. This is the fourth hamster today that has been struggling. The first wasn't using its back legs to walk, although it could move them. The second was in shock from being dropped, which only lasted for about 30 seconds. The third I mentioned earlier, and now this. I have separated it from the other hamsters, just encase it is because it's with new hamsters, and would prefer to be alone. I've ensured it has enough food, warmth, water, and a nice enclosure. I would be so gutted to wake up tomorrow to find another gone, especially as it needs to be a day of concentration. Hopefully this one will pull through, it doesn't seem too far gone as it's only a little wobbly while walking. I wish I knew what has set off all the hamsters, possibly a food that I've given them. I'll feed them nuggets tomorrow, to ensure they're getting the right nutrient intake. Oh how I hope my baby boy is okay!
11thDecember2012
I've spent the first part of my day in college, trying to get my failed work up to scratch. I'm a good 2/4 at the moment, I've completed my Anatomy and Physiology coursework, written down correct answers for a Nutrition test, and edited my Ecology coursework somewhat. I still need to reword all of my Ecology work though, as I have been given it back because I got done from plagiarism and I've still yet to learn the correct answers for the Nutrition test. I had a successful 5 hours, until I got far too distracted by those around me (although they weren't doing anything out of the ordinary to attract attention, I am very easily distracted). I'm happy with the work that I got done, but it means that I'll be rushing my Ecology, quite possible to fail it once again.
After the good hour sitting in front of the computer screen, I went to go see my friend Scott who lives on the college site. He was in a very strange mood, which I noticed straight away from the eagerness, tightness, and the length of his hug. While talking in his room he would have his face rather close to me, I kept facing the other way but there's only so much you can do. After a while he told me that he wants to kiss me, which was very obvious by that point. I told him no, but he kept on persisting. Thankfully I was 100% sober, thus allowing me to have control of myself. There was only a slight moment when I wanted to kiss him, and that lasted for about 5 seconds, when he was playing the guitar. I do not like Scott in that way, and again I only told him that I did before because he told me that he had feelings for me and I was getting mine confused. I honestly do not try to mess with other people's feelings, but when they tell me that they like me, all my own feelings towards them get completely fucked up. I managed to escape Scott's lair without being mouth raped. Other than his persistence, I had a nice hour with him.
I've been a little annoyed this evening, as my mother was being un-supportive of my fear of spiders. Something I was proud of was picking up a spider without any help, and supporting it in my hands without panicking once! I brought it downstairs to show mother, and she was telling me to put it outside. I cleared up that I felt uncomfortable with taking it out, as it may jump off of me and I want to be secure that it has gone. She started complaining about how I can't do anything for myself, which I was completely shocked out. For her daughter to come to her with a fear that she's overcome, and her to just chuck it back in her face is disgraceful. I am still not happy with my mother, and I expect an apology tomorrow!
I'm in hope that I can have a call with Alex tonight, as I feel we haven't been talking properly as of late, and I miss him! I'm greatly attached to him, and this not talking daily thing is rather strange for me, I miss the days where we would always tell each other before if we're unavailable to talk for the day, this sucks. I guess in ways it is obvious how we are slowly growing apart from that relationship that we once had, but at an extremely slow pace. It hit me earlier that this is us finally loosing contact, leaving us to grow further apart, lose distance, and eventually to never talk again. It would be incredible if I could actually do that, but with how I behave, it would most likely be because I would be feeling completely worthless, alone and feeling sorry for myself that I'm losing him but don't want to have to go to him first, he wouldn't put me in interest.
By the looks of it, we won't be having a phone call tonight, and it seems as if he's forgotten about the whole thing. Just like he did on Wednesday the 5th, which I forgot to talk about! In the evening I went out for a friends birthday, Alex was over earlier in the day and we discussed me coming over to his later on in the day to drop things off at his house, so that I could change into warmer clothes on my walk back from the club. Instead of phoning back at all, he completely ignored that I had done so at all, the end of the night came again and I was unsure of what I was going to do with myself, I phoned Alex in attempt to weigh up my options, but his phone either had no signal, or was turned off for avoidance of me. Now thinking about it, it's been since Wednesday that things have been a little bit off, with him taking no interest in me whatsoever, and always seeming too busy for me. This all upsets me greatly. I was extremely angry for the following couple of days, not helping with the situation when we did talk.
I've just been reading my past blog messages from over a year ago. The blog messages I posted were irregular, and just a way to vent my feelings about what's happening in my life. I've been sat here reading one post about mine and Alex's troubles through the relationship, it has actually brought me to tears thinking back to how painful it was all for me. Honestly, the last few months of our relationship wasn't easy for both of us, and it probably wouldn't have gotten any better if we had of stayed together. Oh how hope and love change, leaving us with desperation and heartbreak. Damn I wish it didn't have to end like that.
Following is the blog post that I talked about, which was posted on the 21st of January 2011 (apologies for how I use to type) - A Little Bit Of Crap Has Been Going On With Me And Alex Recently, But I'm Sure It’s All Sorted Out Now. For Quite A While I Have Been Really Down For No Reason At All And Now Seems That I Was Crying And Even Worse When Alex Was Over Mine, I Think Because I Felt Comfortable Around Him And I Know I Can Always Get Comfort And Support From Him. And That Really Wasn’t Fair On Alex So I Started To Drink When He Came Over To Make Myself Happier, Usually On Wednesdays And Fridays Which Wasn't A Very Good Idea Because I Get Really Happy Then Get Really Down Again. So Every Time He Came Over I Wasn't Spending The Time With Him Properly And Really Not Respecting Him Or Thinking Of Him Fairly. Then After A While I Guess It Was Really Getting To Me And He Stayed Away From Me For Ages And Not Asking To See Me. On Wednesday The 5th, Out 1 Year And 4 Months Together He Came Over And Again I Was Really Down For No Reason And He Probably Saw It As Me Just Being Off With Him. So He Left In A Kind Of =/ Mood And Not Really Knowing What Was Going On. And The Friday He Said He May Come Over But Never Did And I Felt Especially Down Over That Seems As I Had An Injection In My Mouth And Really Needed Some Comfort From Him. His Excuse For Not Staying Was Because He Had An Exam On Monday Which He Wanted To Revise For. But What Made It Worse Is He Could Have Come Over Mine After School Or Seen Me For A While Sunday After Work Or Anything. My Reason I Think For Being Down All The Time Is Because I Hate Him Leaving Me And When I Know Its Soon I Just Go Completely Sad. He Told Me He Would Come Over On The Friday Night And Stay But He Would Have To Leave In The Morning Early To Revise And I Didn't Want To Argue With Him Or Anything Because Once I’m Kind Of Down I Go Quiet. And Saturday We Didn't Text Or Talk At All.. He Came Online But I Was Appearing Offline And When I Was Ready To Message Him He Had Gone Offline =/ The Sunday Came And I Was Online To Everyone And He Said Hello To Me. It Felt Really Awkward And I Had No Idea How He Felt About Me.. I Even Thought There Was A Possibility Of Him Breaking Up With Me. My Hope Had Pretty Much Gone. The Monday I Was So Confused, Upset And Hurt.. I Really Needed To See Him So Had My Mum Drop Me Off To His And Took My Dog So We Could Walk And Talk, If We Was At His, His Brother Would Have Bugged Us And Defiantly Got Me Even More Down. It Was Such A Happy Walk Until I Asked What Was Happening With Us. Our Conversation Went On For Ages And One Thing I Asked Is How Long He Thinks We'll Be Together.. He Said Really ?! Even If You Really Don’t Want To Hear It And I Said I Need To Know.. He Replied With 2 - 3 Years. This Gave Me Soooooo Much Relief, I Was Thinking More Like A Few Weeks Or A Couple Of Months At The Most. I Really Didn’t Think We Could Survive That Night At All. He Told Me He Wants To See Me Less Before He Goes Off Me Or Something. I Was Too Upset To Remember A Lot And Felt So Light-headed All Night. He Had To Go In With Some Of My Questions Still Un-Answered And My Head Still Completely Fucked. I Walked Home And Got Some Fresh Air. The Next Day Was Okay Because I Knew He Wasn't Breaking Up With Me Or Thinking About It. He Didn’t Ask To See Me On The Wednesday Which I Expected And The Friday He Said He May Stay Over Then He Had A Guys Night At His Friends Which I Understood And Said He Would See Me On The Saturday.. But He Was Ill All Weekend Long =/ On That Friday I Was Drinking, And Talking To Someone And I Mentioned Alex Said He Wanted To See Me Less.. They Put All Of Their Opinion Into Me.. Saying He’s Not Treating Me Fairly At All And For Us To Be Going Out This Long Then Decide 'We’re Only Young' Which He Said Is Stupid And He Should Realise How Much He’s Got Blahh Blahh Blahh So Many Other Guys Out There And Then Mentioned One Saying We Look Like A Better Couple And Crap -.- It Really Fucked My Head Up Again And I Had No Idea What I Thought At The Time So Sent A Load Of Drunken Texts To Him. He Never Replied To Them Which I’m Glad Of And Didn’t Expect. Weekend Was Kind Of A Bit =/ Again But Not Too Bad, I Said Sorry And We Were Okay. And Then This Wednesday Came And He Asked To Come Over Which I Said Yes To But Only If He Actually Wanted To. Again I Had No Idea At All How He Felt About Me, Why He Would Leave It Soooo Long To Ask To See Me When I Really Needed To Talk Through Things With Him Still. I Walked To The Bus Stop And He Got Off The Bus.. He Was In A Happy Mood And Kissed Me As Nothing Had Changed. My Kiss Was 'Off' And So Was How I Was Looking At Him. He Asked What Was Wrong And I Said Nothing.. But Honestly I Really Didn’t Understand And Thought He Was Trying To F*ck With My Head. Over Mine It Was All Happy And Nothing Was Wrong. I Asked Him How He Felt About Me And Said He Loves Me And He’s Here Which Proved He Cares. But That’s It, No More Of The Conversation. I Feel Soooo Much Happier Now, And So Less Stressed Knowing We Are Okay. I Should Be Seeing Him Tonight And He Should Be Staying Over, I Really Do Hope So Even If I Am Busy All Weekend.. I Love Him <3 I've Learned Talking About Things Helps Lots Again.. And So Does Sex XD But I Feel It Should Be Saved For The Right Person.. And I Really Have Found That !! x
After the good hour sitting in front of the computer screen, I went to go see my friend Scott who lives on the college site. He was in a very strange mood, which I noticed straight away from the eagerness, tightness, and the length of his hug. While talking in his room he would have his face rather close to me, I kept facing the other way but there's only so much you can do. After a while he told me that he wants to kiss me, which was very obvious by that point. I told him no, but he kept on persisting. Thankfully I was 100% sober, thus allowing me to have control of myself. There was only a slight moment when I wanted to kiss him, and that lasted for about 5 seconds, when he was playing the guitar. I do not like Scott in that way, and again I only told him that I did before because he told me that he had feelings for me and I was getting mine confused. I honestly do not try to mess with other people's feelings, but when they tell me that they like me, all my own feelings towards them get completely fucked up. I managed to escape Scott's lair without being mouth raped. Other than his persistence, I had a nice hour with him.
I've been a little annoyed this evening, as my mother was being un-supportive of my fear of spiders. Something I was proud of was picking up a spider without any help, and supporting it in my hands without panicking once! I brought it downstairs to show mother, and she was telling me to put it outside. I cleared up that I felt uncomfortable with taking it out, as it may jump off of me and I want to be secure that it has gone. She started complaining about how I can't do anything for myself, which I was completely shocked out. For her daughter to come to her with a fear that she's overcome, and her to just chuck it back in her face is disgraceful. I am still not happy with my mother, and I expect an apology tomorrow!
I'm in hope that I can have a call with Alex tonight, as I feel we haven't been talking properly as of late, and I miss him! I'm greatly attached to him, and this not talking daily thing is rather strange for me, I miss the days where we would always tell each other before if we're unavailable to talk for the day, this sucks. I guess in ways it is obvious how we are slowly growing apart from that relationship that we once had, but at an extremely slow pace. It hit me earlier that this is us finally loosing contact, leaving us to grow further apart, lose distance, and eventually to never talk again. It would be incredible if I could actually do that, but with how I behave, it would most likely be because I would be feeling completely worthless, alone and feeling sorry for myself that I'm losing him but don't want to have to go to him first, he wouldn't put me in interest.
By the looks of it, we won't be having a phone call tonight, and it seems as if he's forgotten about the whole thing. Just like he did on Wednesday the 5th, which I forgot to talk about! In the evening I went out for a friends birthday, Alex was over earlier in the day and we discussed me coming over to his later on in the day to drop things off at his house, so that I could change into warmer clothes on my walk back from the club. Instead of phoning back at all, he completely ignored that I had done so at all, the end of the night came again and I was unsure of what I was going to do with myself, I phoned Alex in attempt to weigh up my options, but his phone either had no signal, or was turned off for avoidance of me. Now thinking about it, it's been since Wednesday that things have been a little bit off, with him taking no interest in me whatsoever, and always seeming too busy for me. This all upsets me greatly. I was extremely angry for the following couple of days, not helping with the situation when we did talk.
I've just been reading my past blog messages from over a year ago. The blog messages I posted were irregular, and just a way to vent my feelings about what's happening in my life. I've been sat here reading one post about mine and Alex's troubles through the relationship, it has actually brought me to tears thinking back to how painful it was all for me. Honestly, the last few months of our relationship wasn't easy for both of us, and it probably wouldn't have gotten any better if we had of stayed together. Oh how hope and love change, leaving us with desperation and heartbreak. Damn I wish it didn't have to end like that.
Following is the blog post that I talked about, which was posted on the 21st of January 2011 (apologies for how I use to type) - A Little Bit Of Crap Has Been Going On With Me And Alex Recently, But I'm Sure It’s All Sorted Out Now. For Quite A While I Have Been Really Down For No Reason At All And Now Seems That I Was Crying And Even Worse When Alex Was Over Mine, I Think Because I Felt Comfortable Around Him And I Know I Can Always Get Comfort And Support From Him. And That Really Wasn’t Fair On Alex So I Started To Drink When He Came Over To Make Myself Happier, Usually On Wednesdays And Fridays Which Wasn't A Very Good Idea Because I Get Really Happy Then Get Really Down Again. So Every Time He Came Over I Wasn't Spending The Time With Him Properly And Really Not Respecting Him Or Thinking Of Him Fairly. Then After A While I Guess It Was Really Getting To Me And He Stayed Away From Me For Ages And Not Asking To See Me. On Wednesday The 5th, Out 1 Year And 4 Months Together He Came Over And Again I Was Really Down For No Reason And He Probably Saw It As Me Just Being Off With Him. So He Left In A Kind Of =/ Mood And Not Really Knowing What Was Going On. And The Friday He Said He May Come Over But Never Did And I Felt Especially Down Over That Seems As I Had An Injection In My Mouth And Really Needed Some Comfort From Him. His Excuse For Not Staying Was Because He Had An Exam On Monday Which He Wanted To Revise For. But What Made It Worse Is He Could Have Come Over Mine After School Or Seen Me For A While Sunday After Work Or Anything. My Reason I Think For Being Down All The Time Is Because I Hate Him Leaving Me And When I Know Its Soon I Just Go Completely Sad. He Told Me He Would Come Over On The Friday Night And Stay But He Would Have To Leave In The Morning Early To Revise And I Didn't Want To Argue With Him Or Anything Because Once I’m Kind Of Down I Go Quiet. And Saturday We Didn't Text Or Talk At All.. He Came Online But I Was Appearing Offline And When I Was Ready To Message Him He Had Gone Offline =/ The Sunday Came And I Was Online To Everyone And He Said Hello To Me. It Felt Really Awkward And I Had No Idea How He Felt About Me.. I Even Thought There Was A Possibility Of Him Breaking Up With Me. My Hope Had Pretty Much Gone. The Monday I Was So Confused, Upset And Hurt.. I Really Needed To See Him So Had My Mum Drop Me Off To His And Took My Dog So We Could Walk And Talk, If We Was At His, His Brother Would Have Bugged Us And Defiantly Got Me Even More Down. It Was Such A Happy Walk Until I Asked What Was Happening With Us. Our Conversation Went On For Ages And One Thing I Asked Is How Long He Thinks We'll Be Together.. He Said Really ?! Even If You Really Don’t Want To Hear It And I Said I Need To Know.. He Replied With 2 - 3 Years. This Gave Me Soooooo Much Relief, I Was Thinking More Like A Few Weeks Or A Couple Of Months At The Most. I Really Didn’t Think We Could Survive That Night At All. He Told Me He Wants To See Me Less Before He Goes Off Me Or Something. I Was Too Upset To Remember A Lot And Felt So Light-headed All Night. He Had To Go In With Some Of My Questions Still Un-Answered And My Head Still Completely Fucked. I Walked Home And Got Some Fresh Air. The Next Day Was Okay Because I Knew He Wasn't Breaking Up With Me Or Thinking About It. He Didn’t Ask To See Me On The Wednesday Which I Expected And The Friday He Said He May Stay Over Then He Had A Guys Night At His Friends Which I Understood And Said He Would See Me On The Saturday.. But He Was Ill All Weekend Long =/ On That Friday I Was Drinking, And Talking To Someone And I Mentioned Alex Said He Wanted To See Me Less.. They Put All Of Their Opinion Into Me.. Saying He’s Not Treating Me Fairly At All And For Us To Be Going Out This Long Then Decide 'We’re Only Young' Which He Said Is Stupid And He Should Realise How Much He’s Got Blahh Blahh Blahh So Many Other Guys Out There And Then Mentioned One Saying We Look Like A Better Couple And Crap -.- It Really Fucked My Head Up Again And I Had No Idea What I Thought At The Time So Sent A Load Of Drunken Texts To Him. He Never Replied To Them Which I’m Glad Of And Didn’t Expect. Weekend Was Kind Of A Bit =/ Again But Not Too Bad, I Said Sorry And We Were Okay. And Then This Wednesday Came And He Asked To Come Over Which I Said Yes To But Only If He Actually Wanted To. Again I Had No Idea At All How He Felt About Me, Why He Would Leave It Soooo Long To Ask To See Me When I Really Needed To Talk Through Things With Him Still. I Walked To The Bus Stop And He Got Off The Bus.. He Was In A Happy Mood And Kissed Me As Nothing Had Changed. My Kiss Was 'Off' And So Was How I Was Looking At Him. He Asked What Was Wrong And I Said Nothing.. But Honestly I Really Didn’t Understand And Thought He Was Trying To F*ck With My Head. Over Mine It Was All Happy And Nothing Was Wrong. I Asked Him How He Felt About Me And Said He Loves Me And He’s Here Which Proved He Cares. But That’s It, No More Of The Conversation. I Feel Soooo Much Happier Now, And So Less Stressed Knowing We Are Okay. I Should Be Seeing Him Tonight And He Should Be Staying Over, I Really Do Hope So Even If I Am Busy All Weekend.. I Love Him <3 I've Learned Talking About Things Helps Lots Again.. And So Does Sex XD But I Feel It Should Be Saved For The Right Person.. And I Really Have Found That !! x
10thDecember2012
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| All the boys, un-named x2, Marble, Nibbler, and Scramble |
I haven't done all that much today, but it has seemed like a joyful one for me. I set my alarm for 10, in attempt to do coursework for the whole day, but sadly that of course didn't happen. I started it about an hour later after waking up, and finished it around 2 or three hours after that. Sadly my concentration levels were low and I was feeling a little angry that I cannot access journals from home, instead I have to travel all the way into college (costing £7 a day) to get resources I need. I'm planning to do this tomorrow, and I'm pretty certain I'll stick to it as I desperately need to from this weeks results; having a referral on a test, a referral on a piece of coursework, and getting done for plagiarism (I didn't put the journals into my own words enough as required).
I've been rather fixated on animals today, especially Kinkajous as I was looking up about them yesterday and continued onto today. They're rather cute animals, I'd suggest you go have a look at one. This also got me onto the idea of moving to America when I'm older, as it's much easier to get hold of animals there and American houses tend to be bigger for price than those in England. I didn't think too much into that though, as obviously I've got a long time to decide on that.
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| The youngest girls - Syrian Hamsters |
9thDecember2012
I have completed extra hours at work today, and thankfully I'm not feeling all that tired. It's been a nice day, although someone from work, who started on the same day as me, got fired today. I felt bad for him, as they didn't give him any proper warning from what I can recall, it was all very sudden. It was because he didn't put in enough effort to the work, but what if they think the same about my effort for work too. I do try really hard at work, but personally I feel my section (knitwear, coats, occasional-wear and causal-wear) are the hardest to do, as there's so much of it and it's the most popular sections. The occasional-wear is a section that gets moved around a lot, and will be swapped for sale items very soon, it's always the promotional items that are placed there, and the clothes that will catch people's eyes. I do love my work, it's very sociable, but it's rather fast pace depending on what you do around the store. Other than work, I have done nothing.
8thDecember2012
Well seems as I'm sober now, I think it's safe to say that my head is rather clear about the happenings of the work Christmas party and people involved. Drunkenness lead someone onto telling me that they like me, and another to try and get me to stay at his that night. It was already clear last night that I had no feelings for the one that told me he liked me, but still I had to sort around telling him that I don't feel the same way about him today, it went reasonably well. The one that invited me back to his is rather attractive, but not exactly my preference. We don't have much in common from what I've caught onto so far, and I don't know how genuine his feelings are, he seems a bit forward into the bedroom, but he has talked to someone else about how he feels about me. As I said last night, I'll wait until he says anything to actually consider anything.
Apart from those hiccups, the work party was a great success and I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to meet work day staff and bond with those that I work with. I wasn't hungover that much today, so work went reasonably well.
Apart from those hiccups, the work party was a great success and I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to meet work day staff and bond with those that I work with. I wasn't hungover that much today, so work went reasonably well.
7thDecemeber2012
My head is seriously fucked right now, as I have been drinking and have been around people who like me as more than a friend. I've had a work party tonight, that has gone surprisingly well considering how badly I thought it may turn out like. The first couple of hours were a little un-lively, until the alcohol kicked in for everyone, where we were all dancing around the balcony and having a good time. I've got drunk enough tonight to be honest with people, where as when I'm sober I will be a lot less open! Today I found out from person that at least one person from work likes me, his name is Pete. I don't know how much Pete rank, but he didn't seek that drink to me, leaving me to think that he was being genuine with his feelings. He took me away from others to have a private chat with me, where he said that he does like me, but because of our age difference (he's over 20), and his situation with his ex (whom he has a child with and is living with) it would be rather awkward and difficult between his ex and him. He's aware that another person from work likes me, and said to me something along the lines of "he's told me that he likes you, you know he's in there waiting for you, so it's your choice". If I was sober, everything would have been extremely awkward between all of us, but thankfully I wasn't. The other guy who likes me, Max, is someone who I personal find to be attractive to general types of people. He has a model type of body and face, but not something I would personally find attractive if he did not start off the feelings. He hasn't told me how he feels towards me personally, however it has come across that way a little. Pete telling me earlier that Max does in fact like me, by Max even coming out to talk to Pete about it amazes me, as first of all I just assumed that just wanted some action and I'm someone half appealing to me, but if he's talking to other people about it, then possibly he is being serious. However until he came to me personally about it, I wouldn't take him up on it. Max is physically appealing to me, as well as his personality, although he may be a bit forward without expressing how he truly feels towards me about me. Damn I hope my head gets clear tomorrow!
6thDecember2012
Today has been hell! I'm hung over, but will talk to you about last night in a couple of days (hopefully), and I've been at college.
5thDecember2012
I sadly woke up at an early time of 9 O'clock today, which is rather surprising as I had nothing noisy to wake me up then. My thoughts are that I could have been woken up by my body because I've got coursework to do, or because I had an exciting day ahead. I've got to see my friend Alex today, as it was his day off and he kindly asked to see me. It's rather strange though, as he's been seeing me a lot lately, and usually it's always me to ask. Firstly he gave me a surprise visit to my house the other day, today he asked to see me, and he asked if I was free to see him either tomorrow or Friday night. I'm not complaining at all, it's just very strange, I must ask him about this, it's not like him at all. He was only over for an hour and a bit today, from around 12 - 1.30, as I had first rejected his offer to meet up, thus him making other plans. I changed my mind on seeing him as it pains me greatly having to say no to meeting up with him, it makes me feel down for the whole day and wishing that I was with him. I'm very thankful that I got to see him for even a little bit today though. It was a nice time spent together, although it went rather quickly. We laid in bed talking and having our usual routine of lots of kisses to make up for not seeing each other that often (in my opinion). I walked him to where he needed to be, and then sadly left him to do the other plans he had made. There's a possibility that I may get to see him again tonight though, we'll see.
After spending time with Alex, I returned home to continue my coursework from where I left off yesterday. I finished it surprising quickly, and now I'm left with another two hours until I can get ready to go out tonight (as I said that I won't start getting ready until 7 in the evening). I've just made some quick plans of going up to the stables with my best friend Lean to feed her horse Tiger though, it won't take long, but it gives me something do and allows us to properly plan this evening.
It's my friend Chris' birthday tomorrow, so in celebration we're off to Revolutions in Beaconsfield to get absolutely wankered. There will be a nice amount of people I know there, so I feel it'll be a nice night, especially as I'm with my best friend. I've planned what I'm wearing, however just seem to have a lack of tights. The dress I'm wearing is strapless, black and white vertical striped, with a floaty bit in the middle, I've even painted my nails black and white to match. I'll let you know how well or how badly the night goes tomorrow, hope your evening is just as eventful :)
After spending time with Alex, I returned home to continue my coursework from where I left off yesterday. I finished it surprising quickly, and now I'm left with another two hours until I can get ready to go out tonight (as I said that I won't start getting ready until 7 in the evening). I've just made some quick plans of going up to the stables with my best friend Lean to feed her horse Tiger though, it won't take long, but it gives me something do and allows us to properly plan this evening.
It's my friend Chris' birthday tomorrow, so in celebration we're off to Revolutions in Beaconsfield to get absolutely wankered. There will be a nice amount of people I know there, so I feel it'll be a nice night, especially as I'm with my best friend. I've planned what I'm wearing, however just seem to have a lack of tights. The dress I'm wearing is strapless, black and white vertical striped, with a floaty bit in the middle, I've even painted my nails black and white to match. I'll let you know how well or how badly the night goes tomorrow, hope your evening is just as eventful :)
4thDecember2012
It's a big birthday week for a few of my friends, as it's another one's today. My friend Leli (he's Albanian) is 19 on this fine day. We've been friends for many years now, where it started off with someone I talk to online. For many months we use to go on webcam and microphone to each other every night for the whole night, it was very lovely. He use to be the only one person that could give me happiness and hope when I felt all was lost, but sadly he could do the complete opposite and bring me right down when there was something down with him. I've met him a few times in London, and all of them have been amazing, but sadly I haven't been to see him in over two years now. We lost our connexion when he went to Albania for the whole summer, where we barely talked and the only time we did, he revealed to me how he felt towards me. I had no interest in being anything more than friends with him, and at the time I was growing strong feelings for someone else. It went downhill from then, we only talk every few months now, but I hope that we have that connection rather than none.
My day has consisted of coursework, a project proposal which requires a literature review of 20 journals or books. It has been a very long day, starting at half ten in the morning, and ending at eleven at night, where I had to phone a friend for assistance and my microsoft word was messing up. I am proud of how much work I have completed today, and I will be continuing it tomorrow and probably some of Thursday too. Wish me luck!
My day has consisted of coursework, a project proposal which requires a literature review of 20 journals or books. It has been a very long day, starting at half ten in the morning, and ending at eleven at night, where I had to phone a friend for assistance and my microsoft word was messing up. I am proud of how much work I have completed today, and I will be continuing it tomorrow and probably some of Thursday too. Wish me luck!
3rdDecember2012
Today I have been into Slough with my friend Sean, in attempt to get some more Christmas shopping done. I'd say it went reasonably well, as I managed to buy earrings for two of my three friends from college, and bought three books for three of my friends: a drinking games book, a chat up lines book, and a where's Wally book. I've still got to shop for my best friend Lean, one friend at college, and I may buy more presents for those that I have already bought something for but feel is not enough. The Slough shopping centre is rather large, however there wasn't much diversity of things to purchase as Christmas gifts. It was my first time going into the Slough Tesco, which is ridiculously large and has just about everything you need in there. I enjoyed my trip in Slough, however the bus back made me feel robbed, as it cost me £5.
I've had a call from my best friend tonight, on some advice for a problem she has at work. She keeps being chatted up by one of her managers, and has taken it jokingly up until today. He has been very intimate with her, coming in very close distance of her face and telling her that he would love to kiss her. The manager already has a girlfriend, and this is no way to treat a staff member, especially as he is her manager and thus leaving her in a very awkward position. I suggested that she talked to someone who is at a higher importance than him, however she doesn't want to get him into any serious trouble. This is a very good oportunity for her to get a pay rise or special benefits, although that would be using people on both of their halves.
I've sadly had no contact with my friend Alex for the past few days, leaving me to believe he may be dead or in hospital. Of course the likeliness is that he isn't in any of those positions, but still it gives me worries that I've seen no action from him in the past few days. I think it's most likely down to him being 'too busy' to contact me, as he's had his birthday recently and lately has been around friends a lot.
I'm planning to quit smoking for new years (once again). It gives me a good reason to quit, as it's obviously something I should do as it's clearly unhealthy, and it will give me a big boost on my available money. I've planned it slightly, that I slowly cut down. From the 4th of December to the 6th I will only have six cigarettes each day, from the 7th to the 11th I will have only five cigarettes each day, and following on with one less cigarette a day for five days, until I get to the 31st of December where I will be having my last cigarette of the year, and hopefully all the years to follow. Sadly I believe it to be very unlikely that I'll quit for long, as something stressful always comes up when I'm in the process of recovery. I'd love to stick to my non-smoke life, and I will try hard.
I've had a call from my best friend tonight, on some advice for a problem she has at work. She keeps being chatted up by one of her managers, and has taken it jokingly up until today. He has been very intimate with her, coming in very close distance of her face and telling her that he would love to kiss her. The manager already has a girlfriend, and this is no way to treat a staff member, especially as he is her manager and thus leaving her in a very awkward position. I suggested that she talked to someone who is at a higher importance than him, however she doesn't want to get him into any serious trouble. This is a very good oportunity for her to get a pay rise or special benefits, although that would be using people on both of their halves.
I've sadly had no contact with my friend Alex for the past few days, leaving me to believe he may be dead or in hospital. Of course the likeliness is that he isn't in any of those positions, but still it gives me worries that I've seen no action from him in the past few days. I think it's most likely down to him being 'too busy' to contact me, as he's had his birthday recently and lately has been around friends a lot.
I'm planning to quit smoking for new years (once again). It gives me a good reason to quit, as it's obviously something I should do as it's clearly unhealthy, and it will give me a big boost on my available money. I've planned it slightly, that I slowly cut down. From the 4th of December to the 6th I will only have six cigarettes each day, from the 7th to the 11th I will have only five cigarettes each day, and following on with one less cigarette a day for five days, until I get to the 31st of December where I will be having my last cigarette of the year, and hopefully all the years to follow. Sadly I believe it to be very unlikely that I'll quit for long, as something stressful always comes up when I'm in the process of recovery. I'd love to stick to my non-smoke life, and I will try hard.
2ndDecember2012
It's my good friend Alex's 19th birthday today. He means a damn lot to me so I feel writing a little bit about him on his birthday will do good for me. We've been very close friends for over three years now, it all started off with introduction from friends. It wasn't long after properly speaking to him that I gained feelings for him, and just after a month it was driving me insane that I had to tell him. He's very clueless when it comes to how much he means to people, and how to act around girls as he went to an all boys secondary school and didn't have many female friends at all. It was on a night that I broke down when I finally told him that I liked him, as it was a very lonely night for me and I felt like I needed to express to him how I really felt. About a month after that he gained the courage to ask me out, which came as a shock to me as it was never made clear to me how he felt. I didn't need any thoughts about it, and said yes straight away. Our relationship lasted for a year, five months and three weeks, until he sadly broke up with me as he 'felt like he saw me as a friend more than a girlfriend'. It was a hard moment for us both, and still to this day we have not managed to break off that relationship that we had then. Alex has always been there for me, and he's usually the first person I go to for any help that I may need. I am seriously attatched to him and one day hope to get back together, although he has said several times that there's no chance of this. I have stayed hopeful about being in a relationship with him again, and it looks as if it'll stay like this for many years to come until either of us find someone else to have an intimate loving relationship with. I do still love him, and I care for him very much.
A couple of months ago my friend told me that we could no longer talk to each other, as things were easier for him before he moved to my area and gained any friends. This break off didn't last long at all, where he apologised that month and said that he wants to remain friends. Since then my tolerance of him has been low, and I feel scared about the thought of him trying to cut off the contact again. I don't mean to do it, but I keep causing little pretty arguments between the two of us, nothing that will kill the friendship, but instead little humps between the two of us. I'll be spending all day tomorrow with him, and I'm in serious hope that I can forget about being bitchy towards him, and instead be appreciative of how much he does for me. There's many things about him which irritate me, and at a time like now it's really not doing me any good.
Today I have been at work, and just like yesterday, it has been a very busy day as everyone's been in to do some Christmas shopping. I do very much enjoy my work, and everyone's so lovely, they really do look out for me and they feel like a family to me. Someone I work closely with had their final day today, it came as a shock and it's safe to say that I will miss working with her. All in all, it has been a good day for me, although tiring. I'm off to bed now, with my darling cat, Jasper <3
A couple of months ago my friend told me that we could no longer talk to each other, as things were easier for him before he moved to my area and gained any friends. This break off didn't last long at all, where he apologised that month and said that he wants to remain friends. Since then my tolerance of him has been low, and I feel scared about the thought of him trying to cut off the contact again. I don't mean to do it, but I keep causing little pretty arguments between the two of us, nothing that will kill the friendship, but instead little humps between the two of us. I'll be spending all day tomorrow with him, and I'm in serious hope that I can forget about being bitchy towards him, and instead be appreciative of how much he does for me. There's many things about him which irritate me, and at a time like now it's really not doing me any good.
Today I have been at work, and just like yesterday, it has been a very busy day as everyone's been in to do some Christmas shopping. I do very much enjoy my work, and everyone's so lovely, they really do look out for me and they feel like a family to me. Someone I work closely with had their final day today, it came as a shock and it's safe to say that I will miss working with her. All in all, it has been a good day for me, although tiring. I'm off to bed now, with my darling cat, Jasper <3
1stDecember2012
I've had a really nice morning today, as it was spent being very Christmas happy. The big tree is now up in my front room, the ceiling decorations are up in there too, and I will hopefully be getting my little Christmas trees up in my room in the next few days. My uncle Silbert is staying over tonight too, as he lives about an hour away from me and we don't get to see each other too often. He's a really lovely uncle, probably because he acts so much like a child that I can relate to him easily.
Work has been a bit hectic today, it's the first day of December so customers have been in there chucking clothes everywhere. I'm very surprised that we only got out 15 minutes later than what was originally planned, but I suppose all the staff have a proper drive when it's close to the end of their shift.
This evening I've just spent with family, it's been nice but sadly I've been really knackered from work, I need sleep! zzzzz
Work has been a bit hectic today, it's the first day of December so customers have been in there chucking clothes everywhere. I'm very surprised that we only got out 15 minutes later than what was originally planned, but I suppose all the staff have a proper drive when it's close to the end of their shift.
This evening I've just spent with family, it's been nice but sadly I've been really knackered from work, I need sleep! zzzzz
28thNovember2012
My ex that I'm deeply in love with gave me a surprise visit today, as he was passing by on his hour long walk. It's safe to say I was very happy about it, as I always am (unless I look crappy). Thankfully, I had been out today, forcing me to put on make up in this judgemental society. He ended up waiting outside my house for ten minutes as he doesn't like my dad, and wanted to ensure I was in and would be the one to open the door for him. I dragged him in and said I'll walk with him until he gets picked up, which was up a horrible and steep hill. He kept telling me no, but of course I couldn't hold myself away from him. I am far too attached to him, but we all know that already.
My best surprise visit from him was on the anniversary of us being together for a few months, as I was rather upset that he was busy and unable to see me on that day. He only visited for a few minutes, but it meant a hell of a lot that he made the effort, although he has somewhere to be already.
It was very nice to see him today, as usual, but especially because it was a surprise and I may not get to see him for the next few week was our weekly plans don't work out together well.
30thNovember2012
I saw my second bit of snow for this winter today! It was in the morning while at the bus stop waiting for the college coach; it was very faint and I only saw it for about 30 seconds. I would have appreciated it a lot more if I wan't absolutely freezing, but sadly I'm silly when it comes to clothing choices in the cold. The warmth of the bus was amazing in comparison to the bus stop (obviously), but seriously it was really nice. I went to a nature reserve this morning with college, which again was freezing! I felt like I couldn't appreciate it so much because of the cold, I would have much rather being taught about it while inside a warm, heated room. The talk was useful for my ecology course, but sadly I don't even think that much processed because of the temperature.
29thNovember2012
I was rather excited to go to Reading University this morning, but sadly it didn't fill my expectations as we simply only went to a lab, did what was needed to do, and went off back to our college. I now don't know why I thought we would be looking around a little more, but I wish we did anyway. I was also expecting the labs to be brand new and to look very clean and presentable, but it was nothing like that at all. The room seemed to be really old, and it made the work far less interesting for me. We will be visiting Reading University again next week, as we are finding the nutritional content in animal feed stuffs.
27thNovember2012
I am feeling terribly sick at the moment, I have just found one of my baby male hamsters, dead and headless. He was disposed of quickly once finding him, as my dad had only just came home and was able to sort it out for me. I'm literally speechless at the moment, I can't believe this has happened. I don't even want to imagine the pain that hamster went through before its death, all I can hope is that it was already dead before the others started eating it. I know that there's a chance that baby hamsters will be eaten, but I would have never thought at this age; they're over a month old now. I'm feeling rather sad at the moment, it hasn't been a good time with my animals lately.
Just yesterday I noticed my hamster Mash, has a finger missing. I can only assume that this is due to her and Barley fighting. They use to fight every few days, but I have not heard them doing so for over a month now. The missing finger looks recent, as it's inflamed, and I do not believe that this will cause her much difficulty in the future of her life. It didn't seem to be causing her much pain when I was inspecting it yesterday, or at least I hope this is the case. I wish that all of my hamsters could get along nicely.
Last night I kicked up about Webster, I missed him greatly and couldn't get to sleep because it was playing on my mind. I texted my friend for comfort, but sadly they were already asleep or too busy to be there for me at that time. It really hasn't sank in that much, I just want him back.
I am in a drinking mood because of all of this, and because I haven't touched any alcoholic beverage in a month now; where I got completely wrecked at my friends party. It will be Strongbow that I'll be drinking tonight, and nothing over four cans as I am serious lightweight, which is good at times as it means I don't have to spend much, but of course bad because I lose control of myself very easily. I hopefully won't drink that much tonight though, as I want to go into college tomorrow to get some coursework done, this however may not be the case when I wake up tomorrow. I have a piece of coursework coming up next week that's rather difficult, as it's about my own project that I have thought up. It's revolved around my hamsters; seeing the time it takes for different selection of hamsters to get through a maze and their intelligence level. The different selections of hamsters will include comparisons of males and females, age differences and hamsters from a home environment and those from a work environment (animal college). It is the research project proposal that is in for next week, the proper research project will be carried out from the start of January to the end of April.
Just yesterday I noticed my hamster Mash, has a finger missing. I can only assume that this is due to her and Barley fighting. They use to fight every few days, but I have not heard them doing so for over a month now. The missing finger looks recent, as it's inflamed, and I do not believe that this will cause her much difficulty in the future of her life. It didn't seem to be causing her much pain when I was inspecting it yesterday, or at least I hope this is the case. I wish that all of my hamsters could get along nicely.
Last night I kicked up about Webster, I missed him greatly and couldn't get to sleep because it was playing on my mind. I texted my friend for comfort, but sadly they were already asleep or too busy to be there for me at that time. It really hasn't sank in that much, I just want him back.
I am in a drinking mood because of all of this, and because I haven't touched any alcoholic beverage in a month now; where I got completely wrecked at my friends party. It will be Strongbow that I'll be drinking tonight, and nothing over four cans as I am serious lightweight, which is good at times as it means I don't have to spend much, but of course bad because I lose control of myself very easily. I hopefully won't drink that much tonight though, as I want to go into college tomorrow to get some coursework done, this however may not be the case when I wake up tomorrow. I have a piece of coursework coming up next week that's rather difficult, as it's about my own project that I have thought up. It's revolved around my hamsters; seeing the time it takes for different selection of hamsters to get through a maze and their intelligence level. The different selections of hamsters will include comparisons of males and females, age differences and hamsters from a home environment and those from a work environment (animal college). It is the research project proposal that is in for next week, the proper research project will be carried out from the start of January to the end of April.
26thNovember2012
I am seriously considering to lean how to play the guitar. It's something that I've wanted to do from a young age but sadly never got the chance to. Although I could have for the past few years now, I've thought that it's something that I personally wouldn't be able to pick up by myself, and there'd be no chance of me being able to afford to go to lessons. I'm not too sure why this idea popped up and gave me a sudden urge today, but at the moment I think it's a great idea. The only problem is that at times I become very lazy, and I dread to think that I will eventually give up on the guitar without getting far. If I were to get a guitar, it would be an acoustic, simply because they are much cheaper, even if slightly harder to pick up. I have many friends that can play the guitar, so I'm sure I could easily get suggestion or help from them. I talked a little about it with my mother today, she thought it would be a reasonable thing to get for Christmas, so if my keenness towards playing the guitar keeps up, I will be getting one for Christmas. I don't want to get an expensive one, just encase I lose interest, but I don't want it to be too cheap, as them I'm sure the quality will be pretty poor too.
The only musical instrument I have ever played before was the recorder, in the early years of primary school. Sadly I cannot remember my feelings towards it, or how well I eventually got at it. I do have one memory of me playing the recorder though, it was when I was on stage in a group performance, I got stage fright and instead stood there looking probably very pathetic, pretending I was playing it. That was a horrible memory for me, I hope to never go through anything like that ever again!
The only musical instrument I have ever played before was the recorder, in the early years of primary school. Sadly I cannot remember my feelings towards it, or how well I eventually got at it. I do have one memory of me playing the recorder though, it was when I was on stage in a group performance, I got stage fright and instead stood there looking probably very pathetic, pretending I was playing it. That was a horrible memory for me, I hope to never go through anything like that ever again!
25thNovember2012
It's been a mind opening evening for me, I've been researching into genuine conditions that I have. While my family were over this evening we discussed my inability to read analogue clocks with ease. Through all of my mums previous hard work to get me to understand them, she has still to this day failed. It's not a lack of effort in any way, as I remember from a young age, my mum countlessly trying to teach me. I'm completely fine with digital clocks, and can work out the time straight away, but with analogue clocks it takes me a good 30 seconds to have a thought on the time, and then I have to check it again straight after and usually do not come out with much clue about the actual time. I guess this could be something to do with Dyslexia, however I have never been diagnosed or really thought about it. If I did have it, I can imagine it would only be mild as I can't see much other effect of it. I don't have much of a problem with words, and in general I'm rather good with numbers, but I suppose it takes me a while longer than it should do to work things out for my intellect level. I remember in maths class from secondary school that I was never learning out tasks as fast as the other kids class in general, but with a little more time I would usually reach it. I feel it's too late to get myself diagnosed if I did have it, but I would love to know. I also struggle to spell words out in proper letters, opposed to how you're taught letters to start off with, the sounds of the letters. Maybe that's just me being stubborn and weird though, maybe not. Months of the year took me a very long time to work out, and still I am not 100% with it, I struggle to remember things and I am very easily distracted and often have my own thought trail without realising it. I haven't thought about it properly before, but I think there's a high possibility that I am dyslexic.
My obsession with my ex is not healthy at all either, although the relationship that we still have makes it a little more understandable to why I still feel so strongly towards him. I know full well that he'll be there completely to comfort me, and that's something that I can't let go. It has been a year and nine months now that we have been apart, and still every day I think about him. It's strange to think that I've thought about the same person every day for possibly four years now, that's a big amount of time to spend thinking about someone. I cannot get over the idea of us two getting back together, and possibly won't ever do. I'm not too sure how to get myself out of this love for him, I suppose the only thing will be if we finally distance ourselves or if I find someone who I feel more strongly towards than I do him. This would be difficult though, as I push myself away from anyone who has feelings towards me and I don't tend to find many people that I'm interested in a relationship with. I'm too afraid to let go of him, it's a major step in my life which I'm not confident enough to overcome yet. I should probably seek help for this, it's gone way past the point of ridiculous.
My obsession with my ex is not healthy at all either, although the relationship that we still have makes it a little more understandable to why I still feel so strongly towards him. I know full well that he'll be there completely to comfort me, and that's something that I can't let go. It has been a year and nine months now that we have been apart, and still every day I think about him. It's strange to think that I've thought about the same person every day for possibly four years now, that's a big amount of time to spend thinking about someone. I cannot get over the idea of us two getting back together, and possibly won't ever do. I'm not too sure how to get myself out of this love for him, I suppose the only thing will be if we finally distance ourselves or if I find someone who I feel more strongly towards than I do him. This would be difficult though, as I push myself away from anyone who has feelings towards me and I don't tend to find many people that I'm interested in a relationship with. I'm too afraid to let go of him, it's a major step in my life which I'm not confident enough to overcome yet. I should probably seek help for this, it's gone way past the point of ridiculous.
24thNovember2012
Once again I will be passing out again tonight, I really am fucking knackered! Today has been fun at work though, I dressed up in work stock to promote the clothing, had my own walkie talkie, and the cool manager was in who lets us get away with a lot. I haven't done much other than be at work today, and there's nothing else worth mentioning from what I can think of. I hope you've all had a nice day too ^.^
23rdNovember2012
I finally got my college coursework finished today, which again was hell. I had to skip my last two hours to do it (3 hours), and I think I've hopefully done enough to get a simple pass. I'm not too sure why I struggled with this one so much, possibly because I left it to the last minute and I didn't go through what was needed to be done properly with my teacher. Hopefully I'll learn my mistake, but most probably not. The two lessons I missed out on was once which we were doing a dissection of a pigs hear in, and a production lesson. I don't like dissections at all, so I'm pretty thankful I had a relevant excuse not to have to sit through that. Production isn't particularly a fun lesson either, our teacher isn't very good at teaching me and the majority of my class feel this way too. We had a practical today, where we had to hoof trim goats (Anglo Nubian goats and small goats that I don't know the breed of), it all went pretty well for a while, until one of the Anglo Nubian Goats decided it would be fun to push into me so much that I fall, placing my hand on barbed wire and very nearly falling into a water trough behind me. It was a nice experience though, I do like practicals with the animals.
22ndNovember2012
I've been really knackered today, just like every Thursday. Thursday is the start to my college week, meaning the first early morning after five / three days. The college day hasn't gone so badly, just afterwards while being at home was a little hell. I've got a piece of coursework in for tomorrow, about ecology focusing on the Malayan Sun Bear. I've managed to get through near 1000 words tonight, but I've got another 1000 to go and there's no chance of me getting any more done tonight. I'm a little stressed out about it, but I'm sure I'll be fine.
21stNovember2012
Today was just as hard as it always is to say goodbye to him. It always comes around too soon, leaving me feeling lonely, needing of him and simply not allowing me to get my head away from him for a couple of days. Just as I had thought, the evening and morning went just as well as the day did. Everything was so peaceful with him this morning, simply happiness was all I could feel.
I'm not even going to go into my thoughts about how I feel towards him and what I want from him, as we all know where I stand. He is perfection <3
I'm not even going to go into my thoughts about how I feel towards him and what I want from him, as we all know where I stand. He is perfection <3
20thNovember2012
Tonight I have got Alex over, it's been a pretty relaxed day. It started off with us (me) Christmas shopping, although that went pretty badly as so far I have spent £100 on only my mother, grandmothers and myself. I have still got to get Christmas presents for my close friends, which hopefully won't even go up to £50, however I'm very clueless on what to get any of them. We've came home, had pizza for dinner, he watched Lord Of The Rings 3 while I was on skype, and had a little bit of intimacy. It's been a nice day spent with him, and I think it's safe to say that the rest of the night and the morning will go nicely too. He really is lovely when it's just the two of us <3
19thNovember2012
I've had my friend Chris over for the evening, it's never so great when it's just the two of us. He's a bit of a sexual predator and I hate it. He ended up leaving today, rather rudely, his reasoning was because I was continuously biting him. I was continuously biting him because he kept trying it on with me by dry humping me, which I was clearly disapproving of. He didn't even say goodbye, instead threw a strop and left. I am angry towards him because of it, but I suppose in a way I'm grateful that he did leave because of him persistently trying to 'win me over'.
No matter what the situation is, whenever my ex says that he misses me, it will always get to me. I think about it far too deeply, when he says it in a way that shouldn't be taken seriously. Instead just a kind little gesture to go along with mentioning that we haven't talked properly for a few days. It's strange though, I haven't been missing him so much lately, however still thinking about him just as much. I'd love to think that I am moving on from him, but really I think my love and such has been put on a hold for a while since Webster passed.
I have done really well with Webster being taken from my life. Again it still has not processed properly as I'm still thinking of him as if he's still here. My daily routine feels like it has been stripped, leaving me to feel empty. Every morning I would go downstairs for a cuddle with him, whenever I'd leave the house I would give him a treat and get him to do some tricks; he'd always be the last one I'd say goodbye to, when I came back home from anywhere I would sit down on the kitchen floor and have him laying in-between my legs; fussing him up and both of us squealing like little babies from the excitement of seeing each other, and then I'd end all of my days saying goodnight to him with a visit downstairs, a cuddle, a kiss and a stroke. How I miss having him in my daily routine, I miss him.
No matter what the situation is, whenever my ex says that he misses me, it will always get to me. I think about it far too deeply, when he says it in a way that shouldn't be taken seriously. Instead just a kind little gesture to go along with mentioning that we haven't talked properly for a few days. It's strange though, I haven't been missing him so much lately, however still thinking about him just as much. I'd love to think that I am moving on from him, but really I think my love and such has been put on a hold for a while since Webster passed.
I have done really well with Webster being taken from my life. Again it still has not processed properly as I'm still thinking of him as if he's still here. My daily routine feels like it has been stripped, leaving me to feel empty. Every morning I would go downstairs for a cuddle with him, whenever I'd leave the house I would give him a treat and get him to do some tricks; he'd always be the last one I'd say goodbye to, when I came back home from anywhere I would sit down on the kitchen floor and have him laying in-between my legs; fussing him up and both of us squealing like little babies from the excitement of seeing each other, and then I'd end all of my days saying goodnight to him with a visit downstairs, a cuddle, a kiss and a stroke. How I miss having him in my daily routine, I miss him.
18thNovember2012
My mum's so inconsiderate sometimes; talking about either getting rid of all my hamsters, or kicking me out the house with them. I'm really fucking raging right now, she's such a shit person to be able to say this.
This is the second day that my parents have really pissed me off before work, so damn fucking angry!
My work day wasn't so bad, ended earlier as our managers were trying to rush us as they didn't have enough money to pay us, they even had to send some people home after half a day.
Things with my mum cleaned up in the afternoon, everything's usually fine after a few hours of us apart, to calm down and such. I do love her, but she really does need to learn not to start arguments with me in the morning!
This is the second day that my parents have really pissed me off before work, so damn fucking angry!
My work day wasn't so bad, ended earlier as our managers were trying to rush us as they didn't have enough money to pay us, they even had to send some people home after half a day.
Things with my mum cleaned up in the afternoon, everything's usually fine after a few hours of us apart, to calm down and such. I do love her, but she really does need to learn not to start arguments with me in the morning!
17thNovember2012
My dad's so inconsiderate sometimes; not caring about my success through work. After it being planned how I was getting to work, he tells me just an hour and a half before I start that it's not happening and I have to find my own way to work. It's all because he was thinking about himself, which is all he ever does. I can honestly say that he does not care how I turn out, when I move out I can imagine we'll barely speak and I'll have nothing to do with him. Living by myself would be perfection, other than the money struggle of course.
16thNovember2012
Today has had a few ups and downs, but none too extreme that will cause me stress. I've had an interesting day at college (from my eyes anyway) and went to the cinema.
My first period of study was Ecology, for this we got some background information on Red Kites, mainly conservation things and how they died down and such. We then had a practical side to this where the five people in my class (including the teacher), went outside onto the college fields and threw dead rats out for the Red Kites to get. Our hope was that we would at least see one Red Kite, watch it circle, swoop and be vocal. Our college is practically infested with Red Kites as it's basically surrounded by our fields, we saw many of them, saw one circle and swoop down (however it didn't get anything), and watched them interact with each other by 'fighting' in the sky and making calls to one another. It was really beautiful seeing them do this, especially as we had binoculars. It's sad that we didn't get to see the birds fly off with its feed, however it was really interesting for me to watch and it was a good experience overall.
My second period was also different from usual; we had a guest speaker from an animal testing research centre. My views on animal testing before the talk was that it is vile, disgusting and shouldn't still be happening, my views still have not changed from this. The reason for having a guest speaker in was because we have an assignment in that resolve around animal testing labs. Some of the things that we have to go in detail about in the coursework is as followed: 1. What is in place to ensure safe and effective handling and management? 2. How are assessments had on the animals heath? 3. How is the health monitored and how is it recorded? 4. What are some animal diagnosis techniques? and 5. What are the dietary formations and provisions of foodstuffs?
There was a lot of information that I wrote down that I found of interest, I'll share some with you. 1/9 animal medical procedures are carried out on rats and mice, this is because they're cheap to buy, easy to breed, and have small housing requirements so don't take up too much space in the lab, enabling them to house many in a small amount of space. They're also small in the evolutionary chain, which means the results will be more valuable. There are three levels of procedures mild, moderate and substantial. An example of a mild procedure would be taking a blood test, an example of a substantial procedure would be something making permanent damage to the animal, such as giving them Parkinsons disease. There are vets on call 24/7, there are many licences needed to be in the industry and there are many technicians involved. They say that the animal research costs a lot, so they wouldn't do any wasteful research which wouldn't bring them valuable results. For any brain research, they tend to use monkeys as their brain is the closest to a humans. There is a ratio of around 15 humans to every 1 animal used, however untrue this may seem. The process is researching > finding new treatments > narrowing the field > clinical trials (three phases) > approval > life of a medicine. No chemical can be used on humans until it has gone through at least two species of animals, as if it has only been tested on one species they may be able to hide symptoms and signs, where as if they test two species they get more reliable results. "The cost is justified by the potential benefits", words from the speaker himself. The animals that are in the testing labs will be bred specifically for that reason, they will train them and know as much of their blood line as physically possible. All animals are said to be put down before they experience any pain, (the pain which the research has caused).
Personally, I feel that all animal testing (which is not beneficial to the animals), is unnecessary. If it is only a human that is effected by whatever they are researching, it should only be researched through the use of humans. Humans should not rate animals higher in this world, personally I see it just as bad as white people getting treated better than black people. If the research was not being done on humans, then why should we allow it to be put on animals. The benefits to a selection of people is not worth the pain of one animal from my perspective.
My other two lessons were pretty irrelevant to anyone who is not taking the course, so I'll leave those two out. After college I went to go see Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (Twilight), with my best friend Lean. I hadn't seen Part 1, but still it can be appreciated without seeing any of the others. Most of it was really well done, apart from the story line which goes a little something like this: 'and then they woke up'. I feel the film was a little ruined by this, it felt a bit like something a terrible writer would do, or a child in year 6. Also the graphics of a child they had was pretty awful, very shocking for this day and age.
My friend told me today that him and his girlfriend broke up today / yesterday because of me. He started mentioning something about the photo I uploaded onto Facebook where the two of us were on skype. His at the time girlfriend had a problem with it and it somehow ended after then. His girlfriend asked him about the last girlfriend he had and the last girl that he liked, the girl that he liked was me. She asked him to stop talking to me a few months ago (which I found out about today), but he thankfully went against her wishes. She found out that we're still talking and they broke up. I would dig a little deeper into it, but his brother's in the room on skype with him now, hopefully I'll get more on this tomorrow.
My first period of study was Ecology, for this we got some background information on Red Kites, mainly conservation things and how they died down and such. We then had a practical side to this where the five people in my class (including the teacher), went outside onto the college fields and threw dead rats out for the Red Kites to get. Our hope was that we would at least see one Red Kite, watch it circle, swoop and be vocal. Our college is practically infested with Red Kites as it's basically surrounded by our fields, we saw many of them, saw one circle and swoop down (however it didn't get anything), and watched them interact with each other by 'fighting' in the sky and making calls to one another. It was really beautiful seeing them do this, especially as we had binoculars. It's sad that we didn't get to see the birds fly off with its feed, however it was really interesting for me to watch and it was a good experience overall.
My second period was also different from usual; we had a guest speaker from an animal testing research centre. My views on animal testing before the talk was that it is vile, disgusting and shouldn't still be happening, my views still have not changed from this. The reason for having a guest speaker in was because we have an assignment in that resolve around animal testing labs. Some of the things that we have to go in detail about in the coursework is as followed: 1. What is in place to ensure safe and effective handling and management? 2. How are assessments had on the animals heath? 3. How is the health monitored and how is it recorded? 4. What are some animal diagnosis techniques? and 5. What are the dietary formations and provisions of foodstuffs?
There was a lot of information that I wrote down that I found of interest, I'll share some with you. 1/9 animal medical procedures are carried out on rats and mice, this is because they're cheap to buy, easy to breed, and have small housing requirements so don't take up too much space in the lab, enabling them to house many in a small amount of space. They're also small in the evolutionary chain, which means the results will be more valuable. There are three levels of procedures mild, moderate and substantial. An example of a mild procedure would be taking a blood test, an example of a substantial procedure would be something making permanent damage to the animal, such as giving them Parkinsons disease. There are vets on call 24/7, there are many licences needed to be in the industry and there are many technicians involved. They say that the animal research costs a lot, so they wouldn't do any wasteful research which wouldn't bring them valuable results. For any brain research, they tend to use monkeys as their brain is the closest to a humans. There is a ratio of around 15 humans to every 1 animal used, however untrue this may seem. The process is researching > finding new treatments > narrowing the field > clinical trials (three phases) > approval > life of a medicine. No chemical can be used on humans until it has gone through at least two species of animals, as if it has only been tested on one species they may be able to hide symptoms and signs, where as if they test two species they get more reliable results. "The cost is justified by the potential benefits", words from the speaker himself. The animals that are in the testing labs will be bred specifically for that reason, they will train them and know as much of their blood line as physically possible. All animals are said to be put down before they experience any pain, (the pain which the research has caused).
Personally, I feel that all animal testing (which is not beneficial to the animals), is unnecessary. If it is only a human that is effected by whatever they are researching, it should only be researched through the use of humans. Humans should not rate animals higher in this world, personally I see it just as bad as white people getting treated better than black people. If the research was not being done on humans, then why should we allow it to be put on animals. The benefits to a selection of people is not worth the pain of one animal from my perspective.
My other two lessons were pretty irrelevant to anyone who is not taking the course, so I'll leave those two out. After college I went to go see Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (Twilight), with my best friend Lean. I hadn't seen Part 1, but still it can be appreciated without seeing any of the others. Most of it was really well done, apart from the story line which goes a little something like this: 'and then they woke up'. I feel the film was a little ruined by this, it felt a bit like something a terrible writer would do, or a child in year 6. Also the graphics of a child they had was pretty awful, very shocking for this day and age.
My friend told me today that him and his girlfriend broke up today / yesterday because of me. He started mentioning something about the photo I uploaded onto Facebook where the two of us were on skype. His at the time girlfriend had a problem with it and it somehow ended after then. His girlfriend asked him about the last girlfriend he had and the last girl that he liked, the girl that he liked was me. She asked him to stop talking to me a few months ago (which I found out about today), but he thankfully went against her wishes. She found out that we're still talking and they broke up. I would dig a little deeper into it, but his brother's in the room on skype with him now, hopefully I'll get more on this tomorrow.
15thNovember2012
Tonight should hopefully be a quick one from me as it's rather late and I have to be up in five and a half hours to get ready for college. This is being written so late as my best friend, Lean, has came over tonight as she was a little upset over family situations. I think it's so lovely that we always know the other is going to be there for us, no matter what the problem is, we'll be there to support one another. I do really appreciate and love our friendship, we can go for weeks without talking but I still know she's there 100% to back me up. We will be seeing each other very soon though, hopefully tomorrow. We talked about what's troubling her for around half an hour, and spent the rest playing with the baby hamsters, reminiscing on the past and looking at funny things on the internet. I love my best friend, friendship is magic.
14thNovember2012
It has been decided for a very long time now that I should be on a diet, I am unhappy with my weight but never try enough to actually see much of a difference. I want something that will cut down my weight and keep it there. I may go on different diets in 2013, a different diet for ever month, see how well suited to me they are and how well they work. My main problem though is sticking to my ideas, I'd love to be able to, but there's far too much temptation in this world and I have a lack of will power and determination. There's only been one noticeable change of weight through a change of diet, and that was not eating for a week which brought me down half a stone. I am a rocky 10 at the moment, something which I am not proud of or happy about. From the BMI chart it shows me that I am at correct, but high end. The minimum weight for my height should be around 8 stone, which is what I'm dying to get to. I want to stick this through, I want to be happy with my weight and how my body looks! I have been far too self concious for far too long. I've never been at an ideal weight since a young age, it was probably around year 5/6 where I wasn't in control of my weight. I wouldn't say anything really set me off to becoming a larger size, just that food tastes ridiculously good.
I am a vegetarian, which would make people want to believe that I'm at a healthy weight, the only problem is that I don't like many vegetables and instead feed myself off chips, crisps, bread, chocolate and anything unhealthy in large amounts that you can think of. Going vegan would help my weight, but the problem is that once I find multiple things that I can eat, I will just keep going for them.
My exercise effort levels are very low too, and especially as I don't have a dog now. There's been so many times where I've felt like I want to go on a walk to get out of the house in the past few weeks, but I just don't feel comfortable if Webster's not with me, it's just not the same. I'm pretty certain we will get another dog eventually, but I am clueless to how long mother would like to wait, as I don't think she would be emotionally okay with it for a few months. I feel embarrassed if I join up to a gym by myself, I'm ridiculously clueless how to work anything and I can imagine I'd be helpless with them too. I like swimming, but sadly I'm not okay with this at the moment as I'm body concious. I use to have swimming lessons at a young age, so I'm a strong swimmer. I haven't been swimming for a good few years now, possibly the last time was in 2008 summer, when I went on holiday to Spain. I need to start walking more too, as that's enjoyable, just I feel a little awkward if there's no reason for it other than I need some exercise. If I don't sort it out in this following year, I'm probably going to be screwed for the rest of my life.
I am a vegetarian, which would make people want to believe that I'm at a healthy weight, the only problem is that I don't like many vegetables and instead feed myself off chips, crisps, bread, chocolate and anything unhealthy in large amounts that you can think of. Going vegan would help my weight, but the problem is that once I find multiple things that I can eat, I will just keep going for them.
My exercise effort levels are very low too, and especially as I don't have a dog now. There's been so many times where I've felt like I want to go on a walk to get out of the house in the past few weeks, but I just don't feel comfortable if Webster's not with me, it's just not the same. I'm pretty certain we will get another dog eventually, but I am clueless to how long mother would like to wait, as I don't think she would be emotionally okay with it for a few months. I feel embarrassed if I join up to a gym by myself, I'm ridiculously clueless how to work anything and I can imagine I'd be helpless with them too. I like swimming, but sadly I'm not okay with this at the moment as I'm body concious. I use to have swimming lessons at a young age, so I'm a strong swimmer. I haven't been swimming for a good few years now, possibly the last time was in 2008 summer, when I went on holiday to Spain. I need to start walking more too, as that's enjoyable, just I feel a little awkward if there's no reason for it other than I need some exercise. If I don't sort it out in this following year, I'm probably going to be screwed for the rest of my life.
13thNovember2012
A song that I'm really into at the moment has the lyrics 'what's so good about picking up the pieces', which really gets me thinking. The rest of the song doesn't so much relate to this, unless I'm completely getting it wrong. When would it ever be best to leave it at something wrong?! I don't understand people who allow their relationships to fail. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I suppose there could be a good reason, but still it does not satisfy me. It's a good song if you like moderately heavy rock / screamo though (Caraphernelia- Pierce The Veil).
I know many people may think it's a little sad researching into bedroom tips, but personally I feel much better after I have done so and I encourage anyone else to do so, there is a lot of useful information out there. I have been tonight, and it really does fascinate me, so I will continue to talk about it now. One thing I have never enjoyed doing is having the guy go down on me, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and I just want it to stop. Luckily for me this doesn't happen so often. From what I can remember, I used to be the same while having his fingers touching me, but this has changed and I'm more than welcoming towards him now. For me though, I'd much rather pleasure him than the other way round, I feel far too uncomfortable in these situations and I feel at ease if it's him in pleasure. It pleasures me knowing that I am pleasuring him. I would love to hear other people's opinion on all of this, so please go ahead. Another problem is that I have sadly never orgasmed through sex with my current sexual partner (or my one night stand), I think this is due to lack of experimentation, (his) lack of time, and not enough self determination. It's gotten way past the point where I feel uncomfortable talking about it with him, so instead we just don't. One time I felt so pressured over it that I started to cry while he was trying to pleasuring me, it was rather awkward to say the least. He is understanding of it though, and he does have my best intentions. I think I need to get him to focus on me, or tell him to do so as I don't feel he would through foreplay followed by sex on his own call . We will work on this.
I know many people may think it's a little sad researching into bedroom tips, but personally I feel much better after I have done so and I encourage anyone else to do so, there is a lot of useful information out there. I have been tonight, and it really does fascinate me, so I will continue to talk about it now. One thing I have never enjoyed doing is having the guy go down on me, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and I just want it to stop. Luckily for me this doesn't happen so often. From what I can remember, I used to be the same while having his fingers touching me, but this has changed and I'm more than welcoming towards him now. For me though, I'd much rather pleasure him than the other way round, I feel far too uncomfortable in these situations and I feel at ease if it's him in pleasure. It pleasures me knowing that I am pleasuring him. I would love to hear other people's opinion on all of this, so please go ahead. Another problem is that I have sadly never orgasmed through sex with my current sexual partner (or my one night stand), I think this is due to lack of experimentation, (his) lack of time, and not enough self determination. It's gotten way past the point where I feel uncomfortable talking about it with him, so instead we just don't. One time I felt so pressured over it that I started to cry while he was trying to pleasuring me, it was rather awkward to say the least. He is understanding of it though, and he does have my best intentions. I think I need to get him to focus on me, or tell him to do so as I don't feel he would through foreplay followed by sex on his own call . We will work on this.
12thNovember2012
Suicide has been on my mind tonight, not me thinking about physically doing it, but just the general concept of it. I found a website which was expressing ways to do it, which seemed to me as disgustingly free. Fair enough some people are genuinely interested in information about the requirements to commit suicide, but it all seemed as if it was to provide information to people who are seeking help on killing themselves. The website can be found here. It was last updated in 1993, so all of the information is probably a little short and wrong. The website has been done in such an unprofessional way, and it's shocking that information like that is allowed to be out on the internet. I would find it acceptable if it was a genuine website that provided help for people who are having suicide thoughts to feel better, opposed to helping them into suicide. I was shocked to hear that about 5% of people attempt suicide once in their life, it's ridiculous that so many people feel that worthless to try and take their own life. I now believe that suicide is NEVER the answer, and that there is a solution no matter how dark the future looks. Sadly this is not how I feel at times of depression or despair, and it's completely understandable how other people can be so pessimistic about life too. I do try to be as happy as I possibly can be now, but looking positively about life isn't always possible. I wouldn't mind becoming someone to help those in need, such as a call person for Samaritans or a councillor, but these sadly take a lot of training and aren't something that are my ambitions in life. It seems like something which would be nice to do for a year or so after I come out of education or something to do in-between jobs.
I've been having a little family argument with my cousin this evening, I feel a little bit like a keyboard warrior at the moment. My cousin doesn't live too near so we haven't been to see her since she's moved, and I've only seen her once in the last few years; at my aunties funeral two years ago. She has three boys, only two that I have seen that once. It first started when she put up a status saying something about how our family are barely family to her as none of us have made the effort to come and see her while she's visiting her mum (who lives locally to us), and that our nan is making excuses not to see her. I was pretty annoyed when first seeing this status, but I left it for a while as I was very hot headed. I kept my contributes to the conversation very calm, logical and in a respect that I am not taking sides, just that she needs to see my point of view. It basically came down to the fact that she did not invite anyone to come see her, I do see her point that she shouldn't have to ask, but I for one would not feel comfortable in my aunties house (as she is a freak). She's just as much in the wrong for not inviting the family as the family are for not asking to come see her. She was especially irritated with our nan because her excuse for not coming to see her was because she didn't want to get unwell, as my cousin, her kids, her brother and mum were all ill just before. My nan is old and her body does not to well with illnesses at all, it leaves her having to stay at home all by herself for at least a week. I think I handled the disagreement very well, and I'm proud of myself for not raging off. I did feel bad for my cousin, but really I had no clue that she was even down, she didn't make the effort to tell everyone so I guess that's only what she can expect.
I've experienced something new today being liked by a girl. The girl is in my course at college and is already an open lesbian. I've told her before that I'm straight, which didn't seem to go through properly as she kept telling me that she thinks I'm bi, and in denial. I've told her that I don't feel the same way and she's been pretty accepting of this. I always feel strange whenever I'm around a guy after he's told me that he likes me, and I can only imagine this goes the same from this girl. In all fairness, I am attracted to some girls, but I do have my preference. I could never imagine doing anything sexual with a girl though, however the thought does not seem strange. It is something acceptable in today's society, but I just can't see myself being in a relationship with a girl. I wouldn't call myself as bisexual, as it's not a strong enough attraction to girls, it's just simply that I love blonde hair with the right style, and the sex of the person sometimes doesn't matter.
Now onto the conversation of my inability to meet up with any guy because I am afraid of anything happening between us. I really would love to meet a guy that I'm moderately attracted to at a bar or such, but I'm such a child when it comes to be intimate with someone new. A pathetic example of this is a guy from work, who is in general an attractive person, just sadly not a personal preference. We were texting the other day, when he mentioned that I should come and join him in his bed for a cuddle, I didn't wait to find out whether he was being serious or not, I was ridiculously uncomfortable and then started being a fool in the conversation. I started involving my animals in the conversation to take the pressure off of me, I just simply cannot dead with it. I felt like such a little kid, with no clue what to do. I get the feeling that we have more of a connection than he does with anyone else that he works with, but I'm not confident enough to make the statement that he likes me. From the text the other night, it seems as if he would be the kind of person to use a girl, although he does not come across like that at all at work. I guess I just don't know him well enough to judge yet, perhaps we'll have to meet up outside of work sometime to cure the distance between us.
I've been having a little family argument with my cousin this evening, I feel a little bit like a keyboard warrior at the moment. My cousin doesn't live too near so we haven't been to see her since she's moved, and I've only seen her once in the last few years; at my aunties funeral two years ago. She has three boys, only two that I have seen that once. It first started when she put up a status saying something about how our family are barely family to her as none of us have made the effort to come and see her while she's visiting her mum (who lives locally to us), and that our nan is making excuses not to see her. I was pretty annoyed when first seeing this status, but I left it for a while as I was very hot headed. I kept my contributes to the conversation very calm, logical and in a respect that I am not taking sides, just that she needs to see my point of view. It basically came down to the fact that she did not invite anyone to come see her, I do see her point that she shouldn't have to ask, but I for one would not feel comfortable in my aunties house (as she is a freak). She's just as much in the wrong for not inviting the family as the family are for not asking to come see her. She was especially irritated with our nan because her excuse for not coming to see her was because she didn't want to get unwell, as my cousin, her kids, her brother and mum were all ill just before. My nan is old and her body does not to well with illnesses at all, it leaves her having to stay at home all by herself for at least a week. I think I handled the disagreement very well, and I'm proud of myself for not raging off. I did feel bad for my cousin, but really I had no clue that she was even down, she didn't make the effort to tell everyone so I guess that's only what she can expect.
I've experienced something new today being liked by a girl. The girl is in my course at college and is already an open lesbian. I've told her before that I'm straight, which didn't seem to go through properly as she kept telling me that she thinks I'm bi, and in denial. I've told her that I don't feel the same way and she's been pretty accepting of this. I always feel strange whenever I'm around a guy after he's told me that he likes me, and I can only imagine this goes the same from this girl. In all fairness, I am attracted to some girls, but I do have my preference. I could never imagine doing anything sexual with a girl though, however the thought does not seem strange. It is something acceptable in today's society, but I just can't see myself being in a relationship with a girl. I wouldn't call myself as bisexual, as it's not a strong enough attraction to girls, it's just simply that I love blonde hair with the right style, and the sex of the person sometimes doesn't matter.
Now onto the conversation of my inability to meet up with any guy because I am afraid of anything happening between us. I really would love to meet a guy that I'm moderately attracted to at a bar or such, but I'm such a child when it comes to be intimate with someone new. A pathetic example of this is a guy from work, who is in general an attractive person, just sadly not a personal preference. We were texting the other day, when he mentioned that I should come and join him in his bed for a cuddle, I didn't wait to find out whether he was being serious or not, I was ridiculously uncomfortable and then started being a fool in the conversation. I started involving my animals in the conversation to take the pressure off of me, I just simply cannot dead with it. I felt like such a little kid, with no clue what to do. I get the feeling that we have more of a connection than he does with anyone else that he works with, but I'm not confident enough to make the statement that he likes me. From the text the other night, it seems as if he would be the kind of person to use a girl, although he does not come across like that at all at work. I guess I just don't know him well enough to judge yet, perhaps we'll have to meet up outside of work sometime to cure the distance between us.
11thNovember2012
So today is remembrance day, from what I know, it's to remember those lives who helped us n the war to freedom. My knowledge of this is very low, and very disrespectful. For I do not agree with wars in the slightest, and I don't think it should happen. It's unbelievable that in the world of today, wars still go on. It does not make sense how leaders of countries cannot get their shit together, and instead they waste lives for pathetic reasons. Although I appreciate those who go to war, I do not look up to them as heroes instead I believe them to be murderers that are shown to be heroes. I know that is a strong statement to say, but it is quite true through using logic. The people on our side of the war have the same opinions as others on the other side of the war. We back up our soldiers and put all of our support into them, and I don't believe it is right to take away lives from others who are just in the same position, defending their country. "Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity", instead of doing what it should be doing, it is doing the complete opposite. Today I will remember those that have lost their lives fighting for us, but I will keep in mind what I have already proposed. It was their choice, their choice to corrupt the world further. So much money and time is wasted on material for the war, when instead it should be used for good in sorting out problems in their own country. I have been quite angry over this whole subject today, as it should not be happening.
10thNovember2012
It's been an enjoyable day at work, the whole Matalan company has new songs to play throughout all of their stores. This includes Christmas songs which are new for this week, I don't mind though and haven't been complaining quite yet. I was rather impressed in their music choice, my favourites of today were Ed Sheeran and Two Door Cinema Club, which are not of everyone's preference. It was a good day at work as our favourite manager was in too, he's rather young and he's more of a worker like us than a boss to us, as he jokes around with us but keeps it serious too, ensuring that all the work gets done. I believe this to be a very good way of managing, he's great at encouraging us and keeping us in a bright mood. After that I got my favourite take away food; Noodle Nation, and I've got my uncle Silbert staying over for the night too. It's been an enjoyable evening spent with family and family friends.
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