11thDecember2012

I've spent the first part of my day in college, trying to get my failed work up to scratch. I'm a good 2/4 at the moment, I've completed my Anatomy and Physiology coursework, written down correct answers for a Nutrition test, and edited my Ecology coursework somewhat. I still need to reword all of my Ecology work though, as I have been given it back because I got done from plagiarism  and I've still yet to learn the correct answers for the Nutrition test. I had a successful 5 hours, until I got far too distracted by those around me (although they weren't doing anything out of the ordinary to attract attention, I am very easily distracted). I'm happy with the work that I got done, but it means that I'll be rushing my Ecology, quite possible to fail it once again.
After the good hour sitting in front of the computer screen, I went to go see my friend Scott who lives on the college site. He was in a very strange mood, which I noticed straight away from the eagerness, tightness, and the length of his hug. While talking in his room he would have his face rather close to me, I kept facing the other way but there's only so much you can do. After a while he told me that he wants to kiss me, which was very obvious by that point. I told him no, but he kept on persisting. Thankfully I was 100% sober, thus allowing me to have control of myself. There was only a slight moment when I wanted to kiss him, and that lasted for about 5 seconds, when he was playing the guitar. I do not like Scott in that way, and again I only told him that I did before because he told me that he had feelings for me and I was getting mine confused. I honestly do not try to mess with other people's feelings, but when they tell me that they like me, all my own feelings towards them get completely fucked up. I managed to escape Scott's lair without being mouth raped. Other than his persistence, I had a nice hour with him.
I've been a little annoyed this evening, as my mother was being un-supportive of my fear of spiders. Something I was proud of was picking up a spider without any help, and supporting it in my hands without panicking once! I brought it downstairs to show mother, and she was telling me to put it outside. I cleared up that I felt uncomfortable with taking it out, as it may jump off of me and I want to be secure that it has gone. She started complaining about how I can't do anything for myself, which I was completely shocked out. For her daughter to come to her with a fear that she's overcome, and her to just chuck it back in her face is disgraceful. I am still not happy with my mother, and I expect an apology tomorrow!
I'm in hope that I can have a call with Alex tonight, as I feel we haven't been talking properly as of late, and I miss him! I'm greatly attached to him, and this not talking daily thing is rather strange for me, I miss the days where we would always tell each other before if we're unavailable to talk for the day, this sucks. I guess in ways it is obvious how we are slowly growing apart from that relationship that we once had, but at an extremely slow pace. It hit me earlier that this is us finally loosing contact, leaving us to grow further apart, lose distance, and eventually to never talk again. It would be incredible if I could actually do that, but with how I behave, it would most likely be because I would be feeling completely worthless, alone and feeling sorry for myself that I'm losing him but don't want to have to go to him first, he wouldn't put me in interest.
By the looks of it, we won't be having a phone call tonight, and it seems as if he's forgotten about the whole thing. Just like he did on Wednesday the 5th, which I forgot to talk about! In the evening I went out for a friends birthday, Alex was over earlier in the day and we discussed me coming over to his later on in the day to drop things off at his house, so that I could change into warmer clothes on my walk back from the club. Instead of phoning back at all, he completely ignored that I had done so at all, the end of the night came again and I was unsure of what I was going to do with myself, I phoned Alex in attempt to weigh up my options, but his phone either had no signal, or was turned off for avoidance of me. Now thinking about it, it's been since Wednesday that things have been a little bit off, with him taking no interest in me whatsoever, and always seeming too busy for me. This all upsets me greatly. I was extremely angry for the following couple of days, not helping with the situation when we did talk.
I've just been reading my past blog messages from over a year ago. The blog messages I posted were irregular, and just a way to vent my feelings about what's happening in my life. I've been sat here reading one post about mine and Alex's troubles through the relationship, it has actually brought me to tears thinking back to how painful it was all for me. Honestly, the last few months of our relationship wasn't easy for both of us, and it probably wouldn't have gotten any better if we had of stayed together. Oh how hope and love change, leaving us with desperation and heartbreak. Damn I wish it didn't have to end like that.

Following is the blog post that I talked about, which was posted on the 21st of January 2011 (apologies for how I use to type) - A Little Bit Of Crap Has Been Going On With Me And Alex Recently, But I'm Sure It’s All Sorted Out Now. For Quite A While I Have Been Really Down For No Reason At All And Now Seems That I Was Crying And Even Worse When Alex Was Over Mine, I Think Because I Felt Comfortable Around Him And I Know I Can Always Get Comfort And Support From Him. And That Really Wasn’t Fair On Alex So I Started To Drink When He Came Over To Make Myself Happier, Usually On Wednesdays And Fridays Which Wasn't A Very Good Idea Because I Get Really Happy Then Get Really Down Again. So Every Time He Came Over I Wasn't Spending The Time With Him Properly And Really Not Respecting Him Or Thinking Of Him Fairly. Then After A While I Guess It Was Really Getting To Me And He Stayed Away From Me For Ages And Not Asking To See Me. On Wednesday The 5th, Out 1 Year And 4 Months Together He Came Over And Again I Was Really Down For No Reason And He Probably Saw It As Me Just Being Off With Him. So He Left In A Kind Of =/ Mood And Not Really Knowing What Was Going On. And The Friday He Said He May Come Over But Never Did And I Felt Especially Down Over That Seems As I Had An Injection In My Mouth And Really Needed Some Comfort From Him. His Excuse For Not Staying Was Because He Had An Exam On Monday Which He Wanted To Revise For. But What Made It Worse Is He Could Have Come Over Mine After School Or Seen Me For A While Sunday After Work Or Anything. My Reason I Think For Being Down All The Time Is Because I Hate Him Leaving Me And When I Know Its Soon I Just Go Completely Sad. He Told Me He Would Come Over On The Friday Night And Stay But He Would Have To Leave In The Morning Early To Revise And I Didn't Want To Argue With Him Or Anything Because Once I’m Kind Of Down I Go Quiet. And Saturday We Didn't Text Or Talk At All.. He Came Online But I Was Appearing Offline And When I Was Ready To Message Him He Had Gone Offline =/ The Sunday Came And I Was Online To Everyone And He Said Hello To Me. It Felt Really Awkward And I Had No Idea How He Felt About Me.. I Even Thought There Was A Possibility Of Him Breaking Up With Me. My Hope Had Pretty Much Gone. The Monday I Was So Confused, Upset And Hurt.. I Really Needed To See Him So Had My Mum Drop Me Off To His And Took My Dog So We Could Walk And Talk, If We Was At His, His Brother Would Have Bugged Us And Defiantly Got Me Even More Down. It Was Such A Happy Walk Until I Asked What Was Happening With Us. Our Conversation Went On For Ages And One Thing I Asked Is How Long He Thinks We'll Be Together.. He Said Really ?! Even If You Really Don’t Want To Hear It And I Said I Need To Know.. He Replied With 2 - 3 Years. This Gave Me Soooooo Much Relief, I Was Thinking More Like A Few Weeks Or A Couple Of Months At The Most. I Really Didn’t Think We Could Survive That Night At All. He Told Me He Wants To See Me Less Before He Goes Off Me Or Something. I Was Too Upset To Remember A Lot And Felt So Light-headed All Night. He Had To Go In With Some Of My Questions Still Un-Answered And My Head Still Completely Fucked. I Walked Home And Got Some Fresh Air. The Next Day Was Okay Because I Knew He Wasn't Breaking Up With Me Or Thinking About It. He Didn’t Ask To See Me On The Wednesday Which I Expected And The Friday He Said He May Stay Over Then He Had A Guys Night At His Friends Which I Understood And Said He Would See Me On The Saturday.. But He Was Ill All Weekend Long =/ On That Friday I Was Drinking, And Talking To Someone And I Mentioned Alex Said He Wanted To See Me Less.. They Put All Of Their Opinion Into Me.. Saying He’s Not Treating Me Fairly At All And For Us To Be Going Out This Long Then Decide 'We’re Only Young' Which He Said Is Stupid And He Should Realise How Much He’s Got Blahh Blahh Blahh So Many Other Guys Out There And Then Mentioned One Saying We Look Like A Better Couple And Crap -.- It Really Fucked My Head Up Again And I Had No Idea What I Thought At The Time So Sent A Load Of Drunken Texts To Him. He Never Replied To Them Which I’m Glad Of And Didn’t Expect. Weekend Was Kind Of A Bit =/ Again But Not Too Bad, I Said Sorry And We Were Okay. And Then This Wednesday Came And He Asked To Come Over Which I Said Yes To But Only If He Actually Wanted To. Again I Had No Idea At All How He Felt About Me, Why He Would Leave It Soooo Long To Ask To See Me When I Really Needed To Talk Through Things With Him Still. I Walked To The Bus Stop And He Got Off The Bus.. He Was In A Happy Mood And Kissed Me As Nothing Had Changed. My Kiss Was 'Off' And So Was How I Was Looking At Him. He Asked What Was Wrong And I Said Nothing.. But Honestly I Really Didn’t Understand And Thought He Was Trying To F*ck With My Head. Over Mine It Was All Happy And Nothing Was Wrong. I Asked Him How He Felt About Me And Said He Loves Me And He’s Here Which Proved He Cares. But That’s It, No More Of The Conversation. I Feel Soooo Much Happier Now, And So Less Stressed Knowing We Are Okay. I Should Be Seeing Him Tonight And He Should Be Staying Over, I Really Do Hope So Even If I Am Busy All Weekend.. I Love Him <3 I've Learned Talking About Things Helps Lots Again.. And So Does Sex XD But I Feel It Should Be Saved For The Right Person.. And I Really Have Found That !! x