18thDecember2012

It has been a very long night, but a somewhat nice one. On the bus back home from college I was feeling unreasonably angry at Alex, there was no particular reason for it, just simply because it was getting close to the time that we were meant to be seeing each other and neither of us had contacted the other yet. Thinking back to it now, I don't understand why I couldn't have just rang him first, I suppose sometimes and a lot recently that he simply doesn't have time for me, so I give up trying. My angriness could also be linked to someone being sat next to me, when they could have easily pissed off and sat somewhere else. While sat there with my angry little face on, Alex called me. My face obviously brightened up and I was feeling happy again. We sorted out plans of when and where we would meet, and it was all good again. He was a little late, that irritated me as it was cold and I wanted to see him, but that's just me over-reacting. Things were a little quiet in my opinion for when we first start talking, but it was nothing too bad.
Spending time with him at my house was nice, we were expecting a free house, but my parents changed their mind just yesterday. I would have preferred if my parents were out, it makes Alex feel much more comfortable and it means that we don't spend the whole time in my bedroom. It was a relaxed evening though, with many intimate, comforting, and happy moments, although I did end up having a down hour. While on the phone to Alex, he mentioned staying over, which I had not even considered, but saying that got me feeling that he would be able to. I seriously love sleeping with him, I would say it's more to the fact that it is him rather than because it's someone to cuddle up to in bed. I use to have my down hours every time when meeting up with him, for either no reason, or a pathetic one, however I have not done this for a few months now. Before my down moments, I get angry moments, where I just want to hurt Alex, and be really annoying towards him. I can't control either of these feelings, and I'm not sure what brings them on. I am proud with how long I haven't done either for though, just seems a shame to have ruined it last night. The down hours aren't fun for anyone, it means that I say barely anything and can't even make a comment on why I am feeling sad. It usually comes when I know Alex is close to leaving, and ends up with me in tears if he's getting a lift back as it's an instant leaving, opposed to if I walk him some way back to his.
The walk back is usually where I perk back up, but by then it is too late to talk about anything properly (although we do). We had a bus stop with a bench that we tend to sit on, and talk for ages on. Our conversation there lasted for two hours, with another 30 minute walk to there. We left my house at around 22.30, and I managed to get back to my house at around 1.40, it was a long night. We discussed multiple things, and he was very certain about getting all of out problems talked about so that we're all good for the night. I could honestly go on forever talking to him about what I want and what I feel, but he knows it all already.
I can't remember how the conversations started, but I will get straight into it. One of the major conversations was him finding out that I had kissed someone that I don't know on my Wednesday night out the other week, and my friend Scott who I kissed a few months ago. Personally I thought it was something that Alex doesn't need to know about, and that it wouldn't be a problem if he didn't know about it. He was feeling angry at first, not because of what I had done, but because of he felt it's something he should know because of how we are with each other. He said it feels like he had be cheated on, and that I was being dishonest. His feelings are that if anything happens between me and someone else, that he would much prefer I told him, rather than me keeping it from him to save him from pain. My feelings are that I would want to know that if he had gotten off with someone, that I would want to know, but if there was no chance of me finding out, then it would be much better for me not to know. That stands for kisses that have no feelings put into them, but not those where we have genuine feelings for the other person. We left it that we're allowed to get with other people, but not through our purpose doing, and anything that does happen with someone else, we will tell each other willingly about it. There was two occasions where I had kissed my friend, from him coming onto me the first time, and us mutually being okay with kisses the second time. On the second time, Alex was there too and I was being intimate with both of them on that night. I do have attractions for this other person, but not strong ones at all. I now know that it's something that Alex would want to know about, but I physically feel like I am not able to be honest about it to him, and sadly I'm now getting myself deeper and deeper in dishonesty. The main thing I am worried about is how he will react, and that's not something I can cope with easily. He would rather know about what has happened, soon after it has happened, whereas I feel better about knowing about it months after, as I feel like I can accept it much more easily that way. From his sense, I am lying to him about the other guy, but from my perspective it's just me hiding it rather than lying. If he asked me if I had gotten off with anyone else, I would try not to speak about it, but there's no way I would straight out say no. I feel it's got far too untruthful now that I will never be able to speak about it, I'm far too scared and I don't know what to do about it. Although he said he would rather know about it, I don't see much of a problem with speaking about it as it was so long ago.
He believes that I am emotionally blackmailing him, through me saying that I could not be friends with him once he finds someone else he likes and is in a relationship with, and through me telling him that I would be off with him for around two weeks once I had found about him getting off with someone for the night. This is just how I cope with things though, I would much rather hide away than confront the truth with him. I see where he is coming from with the emotional blackmail, but in no way is this my intentions, I just feel as if he should know what my reaction would be and why I would act that way. He feels as if he has missed out on getting off with people on a night out (simply kisses and nothing more), and feels it is unfair that I have been doing so without his knowing.
The last major thing we talked about was over us in a relationship. He knows completely that I love him, and that I would love to be back in a relationship with him. He tells me so often that he doesn't feel the same way, but sadly his actions contradict this, and instead fill me with hope rather than allowing me to move on from him. I suppose this is another form of emotional blackmail, although he doesn't realise what it is doing to him. I want to talk to him about it next time we have a deep conversation, but that all depends on how I'm feeling at the time and if I remember to. I physically feel like I cannot get into another relationship, even calling him my ex ex would make a big impact on me, and I would not be able to cope with it. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and he wants nothing more than to be a single individual opposed to being with someone, however he did say that if he was interested in a relationship, that I would be the first person that he would go to. Even two years later after all of out relationship problems, and even though we have grown up so much and chanced ridiculous amounts, he still feels that things would not work out between us. He feels as if I would control him too much in a relationship (which after a while of dating would become true), however he has nothing real to prove this.
All I am asking for, is that he would give a second chance to me to be in a relationship with him, but sadly he is not willing to do this. He is happy with his life now, and he can see how much effort and pain a relationship would make for the both of us. He asked me "Are you happy with how we are now?", although he didn't give me a chance to answer, and instead went onto something else, my answer would have been no. I am not happy with how Alex and me are at the moment, I want so much more than that. We don't fit into a category of anything, and one of the closest that we do is something horrible. We're clearly not in a relationship (although it feels this way), we don't accept calling it as seeing each other (for some reason I don't know why), and we don't call it friends with benefits as there is so many feelings in the relationship we have.
I want more.