29thAugust2012

Well my dad’s really fucking pissed me off once again today, he did it yesterday too so I spent my afternoon and night drinking myself to happiness, and for once, it worked. I’m drinking again tonight, and if he thinks he’s going to have an easy time he is thinking very wrong. I borrowed £5 earlier from the cabinet so that I could get the bus into town, when I got back I was chilling for around 30 minutes until he started an argument with me. He came to my room and said give me my £5 back, I said okay I’ll bring it down as I’m coming downstairs anyway in 4 minutes. As he was walking back downstairs he rudely shouted give me my money back, which pissed me the fuck off and made me realise that he owes me money for my mouthwash that he stole from me, and he followed that with shouting abuse at me and then turning the internet off. I wish my parents weren’t together, that was fucking great as he knew we both hated him and he was very unwanted. Yesterday he pissed me off by taking a whole pack of biscuits bar the few that were given to us, one each and he walked away with the rest of them. I said that I wanted more to my mum so she went and got one, my dad’s such a greedy fucking cunt and shoved loads in his mouth while rubbing it in my face, right now’s not a great time for me so I flipped and hit him. He kept saying “how old are you?” in a really aggressive tone and then hit me several times, I don’t see how you can teach someone not to do something by doing the exact same thing as they did, he truly is fucking retarded. I seriously hate my dad, and if you want to argue this out with me feel very free as there’s no way I could lose or even like him in the slightest. He is horrible to me, and I would much rather he wasn’t in my life. I’ve been feeling really down lately, harming myself has been happening and so have suicide thoughts, I know I couldn’t do it, but it does come across my mind often.

I still haven’t spoken to Alex since he’s been back, so that’s a week that we haven’t spoken for now. It is getting to me and it feels really strange. He’s always on my mind, but I can only assume I haven’t been on his otherwise he would have called by now, like I asked him to as soon as he got back on Monday. Again I will say this, when I have problems with Alex, all my other problems intensify. I wish he had more common sense about what I want, but unfortunately he is clueless even though I have told him what I’d like several million times. I don’t want to talk to him ever again at times, but then I want to be back with him. I don’t know if our sexual friendship will carry on, as I’m pretty sure he said to me at one of the later times something about why are we still doing this with each other, as if we’re going to have to move on eventually. It would have been our 3 years on the 5^th, which is a week today but I can imagine instead I’ll just be having a down day by myself thinking about him for the whole entire time and having deep thoughts about what could have been with us. Although I did cheat on him a terrible two times, I did truly love him, and I still do. I have thought at times that I’m over him, but really we all know that’s not true otherwise he wouldn’t be on my mind like he is as much as he is. I have always thought we would get back together, and still reality has not struck me. I do want to move on, but I want to be with him more which is why I can’t do that. I get far too attached to people and far too quickly, which is a very fair thing to say.

I’ve got my uni course starting on the 13^th, I am excited but I can’t help but worry about fitting back into a friend group. I know the majority of people coming back, but still it will be strange and I’ll feel like an outcast at times. Not only that, but I’m worrying about the course work too as it’ll be a lot harder and I don’t want to get behind on it like I usually do.

I need to sort out my life eventually but I feel I need help with it. Writing most definitely has helped me but I think talking about it to a therapist would do even better, as they could help me shape and guide my life.