6thJuly2012

My problem is I can and never will be able to stick to my thoughts. I don't have many good friends in my life at the moment, and that which I'm closest to I'm willing to push away. I'm unsure of what to do with my friendships, who I should try a little harder with and who I should leave behind. They say you should let them go, and if they come following you back then they're really there for you, but really who knows any more. I'm at too much of a risk of my closest friend not coming back if I push them away, they're a lazy person and I'm sure it wouldn't take them even a percentage as long to forget about me as it would take me to even get over them. I feel really hopeless right now. So many of my friends have left me behind, and I have fought so much to get those which mean something to me back, but they have none of it and instead treat me like someone they've never known. One person I've always really really really struggled getting over was my friend JR, I use to walk to his house daily which is up a hill 30 minutes away, and he use to stay over mine every weekend for a good while. This was a strictly friends relationship, and I saw nothing more than that of him, even if he definitely felt more for me. Everything was fine between us, and we was as good as ever until one night and the first night I had a planned sleep over at his house, I had slept there twice before as me and another friend Lean were having home problems and he offered for us to crash at his for the night. But anyway, on the night that I stayed over everything was fine, and then the following morning and day too, it was just the days, weeks and months after that which were a hell of a lot different. He was acting as if he didn't want to talk to me, I blamed this on his art exam first and didn't think much of it, only that he was instead focusing on his course work for the exam. I remember I was in Teco with mum just leaving and I phoned him to see what was going on, he would always return my call but this time there was nothing. It was just a sudden drop of interaction from that one night, and still up to this day I have no clue as to why. This was back in 2009, and I still haven't truly gotten over how much he meant to me and how he could do that to me. I don't think I would ever be able to truly forgive him, it honestly hurts so much and when I do remember him and get properly thinking of how close we were it really brings me down. I miss JR, he was a good friend while it lasted <3