22ndJuly2012

Yesterday I saw someone, an ex who treated me badly. I never have to see him as he lives over the other side of town to me and he doesn't tend to go to places I go to. I've only seen him once before this unintentionally since we broke up in 2008, and I broke down in tears from just the sight of him. I've probably talked about the situation that I was once in with him before, but I suppose now is a good time to mention it again. Hopefully talking about it will make me feeling calmer and be able to get him off my mind once again.
RS and me dated for around half a year and saw each other every weekend, as it was difficult to get to each other. We first met through my friend Lean, as she was dating him at the time but me being a 14 year old didn't see the problem with dating my friend's ex afterwards. He treated me well at first and was well interested in me, but then after a while changed dramatically. At the time and still now I believe I loved someone called Osmond, we were very close as he went to my school, lived down my road and we had the same friend group. RS was slightly aware of this and was always jealous of Osmond and arguing with him whenever possible, especially as he knew this really got to me. I remember on a few accounts that RS forced me into pleasuring him through putting his cock in my mouth, but at the time I wasn't bothered with this as for all I knew, I loved him. He started to not care about me and my feelings. Before I was with him I use to self harm through cutting myself, and continued to do so when I was dating him. He used this to his advantage and managed to black mail me into staying in a relationship with him otherwise he would tell my parents that I was self harming. He always use to threaten me with this, thus managing to get his way with me. Things got pretty bad for Osmond and it all came out to me one night online, the main thing that affected me here was him saying he was depressed, which instantly got my hysterical. My internet closed off and  had to get RS to talk to him to see if he was okay, instead of being useful in any way he decided to make things harder for me. He told me such things to hint onto that Osmond was going to kill himself that night, so I got worse and RS still wasn't helping. RS was aware that I had been collecting pills so that I could overdose for a couple of months, and even when I said it would be that night he did not care. He was never that supportive of me which made me feel completely helpless and alone. I got off the phone with RS and started to pop pill after pill, all together there was around 70 with 50 paracetamol and 20 ibuprofen tablets. Quite obviously I overcame the overdose and did not die, which I am very thankful of. My mother woke me up as I had fallen asleep downstairs after many hours of physical pain from taking the pills, but once I had woken the feeling was intensified and I was continuously throwing up for a good few hours. I was being sick for the next day and I believe I wouldn't have survived if my mother did not wake me up at that early time of the morning. She was clueless to my actions until a week later my teacher found out and told her, though which she found out by my close friends talking about it obviously too loudly in school. Mum broke down and we headed to the hospital for a blood test, everything was fine and I was going to be okay. I broke up with RS as my mum finally knew everything and from then on I knew everything would be okay.
I actually use to write a blog every now and then when I was younger, it use to make me feel much better being able to get how I feel out somewhere, and it still does now. I'll apologise about my grammar and terrible spellings now!
13/12/08 - So Lately Thing Have Been Tough To Get Through. And I Haven’t Been Taking Them Well. What Would You Do If You Found Out Your Best Friend Was Addicted To Drugs, Started Self Harming Again And Was Feeling A Bit Suicidal. Would You Take An Overdose? And Wait By The Front Room Window For Him To Come. Or Just Go On With Your Life. I Guess Its Not Just Because Of That. It Could Be That 11 Year Old Who Tells You He Loves You And Carves Your Name On His Stomach. Then Tells You Its Time To Go Every Day, Meaning He's Going To Kill Himself Because You Would Rather Not Know When He Dies. Because He Says Its Not Your Fault But You Can Tell It Is. Or Maybe It Could Be Because Your Forced To Stay With Your Boyfriend. If You Break Up Or Irritate Him Its Always Im Going To Tell Your Dad You Self Harm. But I Spouse It Is My Fault For Being Here. Im Sorry For Every Thing Wrong Ive Done In My Life, And Yeah. Until Next Time..x
20/12/08 - thought things would be a lot worse. but then again you never know what’s coming next. yesterday.. last day of school missed it. i told my close ones about last wednesday. everyone thought i was okay. even me. we didn't know you could still die. until that teacher overheard. told them that you can still die and it affects you long term. your lungs. I have learnt a lot. when i went to A&E i saw a lady. she was nice and subtle. next i saw a man. he told me haw it was. you can die. and you will die. if its not out of your blood. it didn't affect me much. life's life. you cant change the past. but my mum.. it shocked her. she was worried again. went to a room. cubicle they call it. there was two other people in the room. a woman who had something wrong and could hardly move or breath. then a boy. little bit older than me. he was with his dad. i thought he got stabbed. but then realised it was stabbing pains. he had a blood clot in his spleen i think?!!? be looked so bad. but later on he just walked out. i was like okay then. they took my blood. a hell of a lot. started to cry again. haha. the nurse made me laugh. he was my height and black. with a squeaky voice. took an hour and five minutes to get my blood test results back. i was fine. to be honest. i didn't really care how they turned out. i make mistakes. so does every one else. but im all god now. so smile :] ive realised things. like the fact my friends told because they care. where as Ryan was going to do it for spite. im going to his today. i want to hate him. but i can. i want him back. but i don’t. i don’t know what i want. but if i don’t write here soon. i hope everyone has a good chrismas..x
30/12/08 - so me breaking up with Ryan wasn't the smartest idea. i thought we would just get back together. we didn't and still haven’t. ive got over the fact that i miss him. and realised that Im actually in love with him. i hate love. it just fucks up your life. you get up in the morning. think about them. middle of the day. thinking about them. then try to get to sleep. but spend to much time thinking about them. that you cant get to sleep. you spend hours trying to sleep. and every thing reminds you of them. that’s the song we played together. we use to walk by this park together. we use to be on the swings together. he use to sit on this sofa with me. everything. all those nights crying. for that one boy who will never care. i hate love. they can hurt you a million times. yet you fall for them again and again. he plays me. over the two weeks. making me think there’s a chance of getting back together. like when i went to his house. we sat close on the sofa. he leaned in to kiss me see if i would kiss back. even though he knew i would. and i did. later i asked why he did it. he said it was some single fun because he was bored. sometimes i think he never even cared. just to get Leanne back. then realised he didn’t want her. and realised that Im a push over. he knew if he slagged off Jamie i would end it. he just pushed me too far that time. okay so i care about Jamie a hell of a lot. and Ryan knows that. he just hates him so much. but i know Jamie will always be here for me. like that time when i basically beat him up. the next day in school we was next to each other. he said to me. Amy why aren’t you talking to me. i said because you hate me. he said no don’t be silly. and we just become closer and closer each passing day. but all i really want is Ryan. once something’s gone. you can never replace it. always be that space in my heart for him..x
When seeing him yesterday I was waiting by the side of the queue in Tesco by the front door, I instantly froze and it almost didn't seem real when he first turned up. I just stared at him walking towards me, face looking listless and having no thoughts on what to do or think. In those few seconds I had such a panic, I thought he was walking towards me at one point, and was even thinking about what I would do if he started talking to me. He walked right by me, even looked at me I'm pretty sure but I don't think he clicked that it was me at all, even with me not taking my eyes off of him.
Still after all of this time it is still scared in the back of my mind, I'll never forget about how I was feeling all those years ago, how he treated me and how helpless I really was. I do feel like this was a really big turning point in my life though, I am a much happier person since that time and I try to think more positively whenever I can. I'm proud of the way I have turned out :)