16thJuly2012

Well my emotions are still all over the place and so is my head. I've been with Alex earlier today, every thing was really nice at the time and afterwards, but now I'm starting to get my doubts. He acts so kind to me when we're together, I just wish he was a little more understanding of what I want when we're talking online or not face to face. I wonder if he's fully aware that I still want to date him and am still in love with him. I've been thinking lately, what if I'm not in love with him, I tell him all the time now that I hate him and I dislike him since I found out about the ecstasy, and I definitely mean it towards the part of him that wants to take drugs. I don't really think he's in control of his drug taking or smoking, even though he told me he would stop smoking as soon as he felt addicted to it. I don't feel as if I can trust him any longer, and once the trust has gone there's nothing. I can't believe how much the ecstasy thing has changed things for us, I wish though that I was strong enough to say goodbye to him for real. I would be absolutely fine with Alex [other than the drug thing] if it wasn't for other people telling me otherwise, I always get told that I deserve better from him, but is that just because I only tell them the negative things and not the positive? Is it because I don't tell them how I act when I'm around him? Or is it that they simply know or understand him? People make me so confused when it comes to mine and Alex's relationship. Fair enough we should not be getting off with each other if we're not in a relationship, and he definitely shouldn't allow things to happen between us if he's not willing to be in a relationship with me and is fully aware of how I feel towards him and what it could do to me, but what if he feels something more for me, or doesn't know how it makes me feel at times, or me pleading and begging for something more from him is just too much. When things were dodgy between us I did in fact beg him for close cuddles and kisses, he use to say no and have a little bit of resistance at first, but not any more, and I've told him before that it doesn't bother me one bit [even though it does], so maybe he really believes me. Things are strange between us, I really do want to talk to him about a hell of a lot of things, but I'm never too confident will telling him them or asking him things while I'm sober, then I take the drunk thing too far and everything I say turns into a big mess. I think I will start writing down things I want to say to him and ask him, as I'm forgetful too and hopefully it'll be easier to remember what I want to say to him this way. I wish things were different, but I guess I can blame nobody but myself for making everything this way.