27thJuly2012

I can't imagine these next few days are going to go very well for me unless I get some alcohol down me. My main thought today, tomorrow and probably Sunday will be about Alex at the festival doing drugs, I just feel like he's going to be unsafe and something really bad's going to happen to him. I don't want Alex to get hurt, I'm so scared right now about him. I am too close to him, I should be panicking this much and I can imagine if he knew how worried I was right now he'd be really scared off. I wish that on that night when he first told me he had done ecstasy and I started to cry, he would have realised how badly it affects me knowing that he does it that he would stop. We didn't have a conversation about him taking drugs at all last night, but I think it's probably better that I don't know. Right now I can't wait until Sunday until he's back, I just want to hug him tightly, so much that he never leaves and does any disgusting substance ever again. I think by then though that I will be in an angry stage, and I will be really off with him, it'll take a week or two for us to get right after this weekend. He's also got another festival to go to for the weekend in late August, I'm not looking forward to that either. Especially as that's the place he went last year to first experience drugs. I hate Alex.
My dad's been at it again this afternoon, making me feel worthless and shit as per usual. Now really isn't a good time for making me feel worse. It's his birthday tomorrow, he can most definitely be expecting nothing. You know, I really don't think I would cope with any of this at all if I didn't write a blog, it really does help me get thinks of my chest and my mind a little free, in comparison I would have probably gone more crazy by now, self harming would be at an all time high and I would be contemplating suicide once again.
It's the start of the Olympics tonight, so I'll probably be drinking away my sorrows and sitting in silence with my parents in a room while they're both chatty and happy. I'm a little excited for the Olympics, but I'd rather watch it by myself than with those two.
After the phone call with Alex last night I found it really hard to get to sleep, as by the end of the conversation I got myself all worked up after he asked me 'you will talk to me over the weekend right Amy?', I told him I wouldn't and he continued to plea to me, but I don't think I will. I don't want to talk to him while he's in a state like that. I started to cry and my throat started to swell up and it got difficult for me to talk properly without giving it away too much. It took me an hour and a half to get to sleep after that. One thought that I had in that space of time was how I'm an only child, which is possibly why I feel so alone most of the time. I've noticed how I never want anybody to leave when I'm with them, and once they're gone I get quite down and upset, which is exactly what I use to do when I was a lot younger. I've never gotten out of wanting people to stay longer, and as I've grown older it really is a lot different. It's really sad to think that I would allow friends by locking them in my room with me when I was under seven, because I didn't want to be alone. One thing I'm definitely sure of is that I don't want just one child, and if I found out my body was only able to have one after having one, I would definitely adopt. Loneliness is not a nice feeling at all.
I said earlier that I’m not in the mood with dealing any shit, and now I’ve been in a full blown fight with my mum. One thing I cannot deal with is myself bleeding when I have not purposely caused it myself, and now I am bleeding. If Alex was at home right now I would run to his house as quickly as I can, but he’s not, and I can’t. It upsets me so much that if I phoned Alex right now he either wouldn’t pick up, or wouldn’t care. Dad just said if I saw how much damage I’ve gave her then I’d see why I was in the wrong, but in the end it was her who started it first. I cannot control my actions at all when someone has pushed it this far, and that doesn’t change, not even for my parents