31stJuly2012
Lean's part went great the other night, but after just 5 hours sleep I wasn't too willing to even write that much about it. It was really nice as she really appreciated our friendship and it showed a hell of a lot, she told people how we're more like sisters than best friends, gave me lots of attention and made sure I was okay and enjoying myself, allowed only me to go into her parents room and then eventually sleep there as my original room got stolen and cook food; even though they're just small things, it made me feel superior to her other relationships which gives me a happy feeling. I do love her and I think it was a nice way to end our communication as she's now gone on holiday for a week.
Best part of my day: well I guess that would have to be BABY HAMSTERS! My hamster Mini gave birth this morning, after I had breeded her with my other hamster Nibbler on the 15th. I had my thoughts about this yesterday as I embarrassingly only realised then that there was a good chance of her being pregnant. As you're supposed to clean the cage out a couple days prior to the litter's arrival I took her cage down this afternoon, expecting the babies to come either tonight or tomorrow morning. To my surprise she had already given birth to 6, I was majorly excited and had no idea what to do with myself. She gave birth to 3 more after that, making it up to a nice litter of 9 hamster pups. It is best to keep away from the cage as much as possible for at least the first week as there's a high chance of the mother eating the babies if there is any interference. The mother would kill the babies if they had another scent on them, which would be caused by even the slight chance of being touched by a human hand, this happens because the mother feels the baby is in danger and would rather eat it than allow a predator to eat it. Other reasons other than this would be if the baby was stillborn or deformed and if the mother was in bad health, such as if she was hungry, stressed or lacking nutrients to hold the right amount of care that the litter requires. The pups are completely dependent on their mother for the first few weeks, as they cannot see, get food anywhere other than the mothers teats and are born hairless thus a lack of warmth. They're very delicate and very cute I must say, I'm proud of Mini :)
29thJuly2012
This has got to be a quick one as I'm in the middle of getting ready for a party tonight at my best friend Lean's house, I'm sure it'll be a good night for me. I'm not entirely sure who's going, but I have faith that I'll socialise a decent amount.
28thJuly2012
After last nights emotions and actions I knew I'd be hiding in my room for a good while before I saw either of my parents. I was very emotional last night and was in desperate need to talk to someone, so I text a friend called Robbie who seems to like talking to me, I made him aware that I was very upset before the phone call but he was still up for talking to me. Talking to him calmed me down, and I went for a walk to the park while in a call with him to get out the house, have a cigarette and cool myself down. He was nice and friendly on the phone, but after a couple of times of saying hold up to him he seemed to give up on asking me what's happened, but of course I came out with it eventually. He didn't seem to give much advice out, and we were both distant of each others conversations. I'm not saying he's bad at comforting me when I'm in distress, but he definitely wouldn't be my first choice of someone to talk to and he definitely doesn't know how to get me calm and feeling better like a certain someone does. I am very appreciative of our call though, which lasted just over 2 hours. When I got back home I had a note on my bed saying 'time to move out', I was sober enough last night to know that she was just saying this because she was angry and drunk, but I still had my doubts and thought of many different plans. I finally got to sleep soon after 3.33 and woke around 10, after having what seemed a pretty lousy sleep. I kept in my room for 2 hours, as dad was being a prick with the internet I ended up watching my telly and looking through Alex's and my conversations over msn from over a year ago, it's strange how much has changed. I finally went downstairs and talked to mum, we made up very easily and then enjoyed a few hours of the Olympics together. I later went to the cinema with my cousin Shanice and watched The Dark Knight Rises, which was an exceptionally good film! The plot is so good and I thoroughly enjoyed the last couple of minutes, it relieved me greatly but sadly I feel any of the films after this won't be as good. I have not watched the first Batman of the series, but hopefully I'll be watching it soon. Even though this was a great film, I think The Joker was better simply because the character, amazing film which I could rate in my top 10. I would go into more detail about the film, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone who's going to be watching it soon. My cousin and I then went back to mine as her parents and sister were already there, and then them, me and my mum chilled in the front room talking with the telly on. I've had a nice phone conversation to my best friend tonight, who I will be seeing tomorrow and I'm very excited about! Well I'm feeling much better than I was this morning, so at least I can feel positive about that :)
27thJuly2012
I can't imagine these next few days are going to go very well for me unless I get some alcohol down me. My main thought today, tomorrow and probably Sunday will be about Alex at the festival doing drugs, I just feel like he's going to be unsafe and something really bad's going to happen to him. I don't want Alex to get hurt, I'm so scared right now about him. I am too close to him, I should be panicking this much and I can imagine if he knew how worried I was right now he'd be really scared off. I wish that on that night when he first told me he had done ecstasy and I started to cry, he would have realised how badly it affects me knowing that he does it that he would stop. We didn't have a conversation about him taking drugs at all last night, but I think it's probably better that I don't know. Right now I can't wait until Sunday until he's back, I just want to hug him tightly, so much that he never leaves and does any disgusting substance ever again. I think by then though that I will be in an angry stage, and I will be really off with him, it'll take a week or two for us to get right after this weekend. He's also got another festival to go to for the weekend in late August, I'm not looking forward to that either. Especially as that's the place he went last year to first experience drugs. I hate Alex.
My dad's been at it again this afternoon, making me feel worthless and shit as per usual. Now really isn't a good time for making me feel worse. It's his birthday tomorrow, he can most definitely be expecting nothing. You know, I really don't think I would cope with any of this at all if I didn't write a blog, it really does help me get thinks of my chest and my mind a little free, in comparison I would have probably gone more crazy by now, self harming would be at an all time high and I would be contemplating suicide once again.
It's the start of the Olympics tonight, so I'll probably be drinking away my sorrows and sitting in silence with my parents in a room while they're both chatty and happy. I'm a little excited for the Olympics, but I'd rather watch it by myself than with those two.
After the phone call with Alex last night I found it really hard to get to sleep, as by the end of the conversation I got myself all worked up after he asked me 'you will talk to me over the weekend right Amy?', I told him I wouldn't and he continued to plea to me, but I don't think I will. I don't want to talk to him while he's in a state like that. I started to cry and my throat started to swell up and it got difficult for me to talk properly without giving it away too much. It took me an hour and a half to get to sleep after that. One thought that I had in that space of time was how I'm an only child, which is possibly why I feel so alone most of the time. I've noticed how I never want anybody to leave when I'm with them, and once they're gone I get quite down and upset, which is exactly what I use to do when I was a lot younger. I've never gotten out of wanting people to stay longer, and as I've grown older it really is a lot different. It's really sad to think that I would allow friends by locking them in my room with me when I was under seven, because I didn't want to be alone. One thing I'm definitely sure of is that I don't want just one child, and if I found out my body was only able to have one after having one, I would definitely adopt. Loneliness is not a nice feeling at all.
I said earlier that I’m not in the mood with dealing any shit, and now I’ve been in a full blown fight with my mum. One thing I cannot deal with is myself bleeding when I have not purposely caused it myself, and now I am bleeding. If Alex was at home right now I would run to his house as quickly as I can, but he’s not, and I can’t. It upsets me so much that if I phoned Alex right now he either wouldn’t pick up, or wouldn’t care. Dad just said if I saw how much damage I’ve gave her then I’d see why I was in the wrong, but in the end it was her who started it first. I cannot control my actions at all when someone has pushed it this far, and that doesn’t change, not even for my parents
My dad's been at it again this afternoon, making me feel worthless and shit as per usual. Now really isn't a good time for making me feel worse. It's his birthday tomorrow, he can most definitely be expecting nothing. You know, I really don't think I would cope with any of this at all if I didn't write a blog, it really does help me get thinks of my chest and my mind a little free, in comparison I would have probably gone more crazy by now, self harming would be at an all time high and I would be contemplating suicide once again.
It's the start of the Olympics tonight, so I'll probably be drinking away my sorrows and sitting in silence with my parents in a room while they're both chatty and happy. I'm a little excited for the Olympics, but I'd rather watch it by myself than with those two.
After the phone call with Alex last night I found it really hard to get to sleep, as by the end of the conversation I got myself all worked up after he asked me 'you will talk to me over the weekend right Amy?', I told him I wouldn't and he continued to plea to me, but I don't think I will. I don't want to talk to him while he's in a state like that. I started to cry and my throat started to swell up and it got difficult for me to talk properly without giving it away too much. It took me an hour and a half to get to sleep after that. One thought that I had in that space of time was how I'm an only child, which is possibly why I feel so alone most of the time. I've noticed how I never want anybody to leave when I'm with them, and once they're gone I get quite down and upset, which is exactly what I use to do when I was a lot younger. I've never gotten out of wanting people to stay longer, and as I've grown older it really is a lot different. It's really sad to think that I would allow friends by locking them in my room with me when I was under seven, because I didn't want to be alone. One thing I'm definitely sure of is that I don't want just one child, and if I found out my body was only able to have one after having one, I would definitely adopt. Loneliness is not a nice feeling at all.
I said earlier that I’m not in the mood with dealing any shit, and now I’ve been in a full blown fight with my mum. One thing I cannot deal with is myself bleeding when I have not purposely caused it myself, and now I am bleeding. If Alex was at home right now I would run to his house as quickly as I can, but he’s not, and I can’t. It upsets me so much that if I phoned Alex right now he either wouldn’t pick up, or wouldn’t care. Dad just said if I saw how much damage I’ve gave her then I’d see why I was in the wrong, but in the end it was her who started it first. I cannot control my actions at all when someone has pushed it this far, and that doesn’t change, not even for my parents
26thJuly2012
I'm not very happy, Alex is off to Global Gathering tomorrow and I know he's going to get shit faced with drugs. I loathe him so much it's ridiculous how I still remain friends with him. I'm going to have a call I a little while with him though, hopefully it'll be better after the call.. But I know when I wake up I'll be feeling the same. Well goodnight now
25thJuly2012
My life's going just fine, I have lots of things to complain about, but in comparison to some lives it's simply nothing. When you've had a good life it's hard to deal with less though, where as if you've always had a bad life then it's what you're use to. It does sound stupid, but in a way it does make sense and it is true.
Films, songs and media do a very weird thing to me, affect me majorly but only for usually a couple of hours, most a couple of days. They send my mind into overdrive and I get thinking about subjects deeply. Tonight I have watched a film called Full Of It, it's about a boy who has a suckish life because he's himself, honest and friendly. He's close with his parents, wears clothes he likes rather than what's 'in', smart in school and not very popular. He moves school and his first day goes terribly because of this, the next day he decided to lie and big himself up through all of his lies. He cracks a mirror that night and every lie that he's told becomes the truth, he lives in a life where he's popular but everything seems to get too much for him and he prefers how his life was before. Another mirror gets smashed, things go back to normal and he obviously gets with the girl who's always been his friend through the film. I don't think highly of lying at all, just think anyone who chooses to do so is very dumb and has a lack of personality. I did though have [and still do] have a friend called Jessica who use to always lie, this was many years ago though, from when I was 7 - 15 and she's one year younger than me. I always knew she was lying but didn't think anything more of it, something though I chose to believe and I did think she was really cool, admiring her and wanting to be her. I do think that it's easier to lie, but I don't see the point at all, honesty is always the best policy :)
Films, songs and media do a very weird thing to me, affect me majorly but only for usually a couple of hours, most a couple of days. They send my mind into overdrive and I get thinking about subjects deeply. Tonight I have watched a film called Full Of It, it's about a boy who has a suckish life because he's himself, honest and friendly. He's close with his parents, wears clothes he likes rather than what's 'in', smart in school and not very popular. He moves school and his first day goes terribly because of this, the next day he decided to lie and big himself up through all of his lies. He cracks a mirror that night and every lie that he's told becomes the truth, he lives in a life where he's popular but everything seems to get too much for him and he prefers how his life was before. Another mirror gets smashed, things go back to normal and he obviously gets with the girl who's always been his friend through the film. I don't think highly of lying at all, just think anyone who chooses to do so is very dumb and has a lack of personality. I did though have [and still do] have a friend called Jessica who use to always lie, this was many years ago though, from when I was 7 - 15 and she's one year younger than me. I always knew she was lying but didn't think anything more of it, something though I chose to believe and I did think she was really cool, admiring her and wanting to be her. I do think that it's easier to lie, but I don't see the point at all, honesty is always the best policy :)
24thJuly2012
The second day I've spent outside burning my skin and brining myself to higher risks of skin cancer. I look a little like a hot dog bun though, as the top and bottom are coloured and the sides are white, I will hopefully be improving this tomorrow though! As I'm planning to have yet another lazy day out in the sun, but hopefully this time my dad won't get home from work before I've even woken up. I've been studying for my theory practical a lot lately, but I can't help but feel like I should be doing more. I'm proud of myself for how much dedication I'm putting into my revision though, this is something I'd really like to pass first time on. For a short while today I had planned that Lean, Adam, Chris and me would be going to the beach tomorrow that I was very excited about, however Lean has bad planning and left it to Chris to let me know that it's not happening. I would love to see Adam tomorrow as he lives close, and there's a nice place to chill which is in the middle of us, sadly though I feel I'll be far too stiff to move for 5 minutes let alone more than 20.
Alex went to a gig tonight, which I found out about yesterday as he called me very nicely through the day because he wanted to talk to me about general things. The call was a very nice surprise, and made me feel very happy. I can't help but feel a little sad tonight though, as I know he's probably done some sort of drug tonight which I strongly look down upon. This all gets me stressed out far too much, I wish he wouldn't even touch any off that dirty shit.
On a plus note, Dan Haggis [the drummer in The Wombats] accepted my friend request on facebook, it excited me very much so and still I'm very pleased. I like celebrities and famous people who give recognition to their fans, it makes me feel very happy. It was also Tord Overland Knudsen's 30th birthday today [guitarist from The Wombats]. Last but not least it was Matthew Murphy's birthday yesterday, which sadly I missed but he's now 28.
I have had an enjoyable day and I'm in a happy mood, goodnight :)
Alex went to a gig tonight, which I found out about yesterday as he called me very nicely through the day because he wanted to talk to me about general things. The call was a very nice surprise, and made me feel very happy. I can't help but feel a little sad tonight though, as I know he's probably done some sort of drug tonight which I strongly look down upon. This all gets me stressed out far too much, I wish he wouldn't even touch any off that dirty shit.
On a plus note, Dan Haggis [the drummer in The Wombats] accepted my friend request on facebook, it excited me very much so and still I'm very pleased. I like celebrities and famous people who give recognition to their fans, it makes me feel very happy. It was also Tord Overland Knudsen's 30th birthday today [guitarist from The Wombats]. Last but not least it was Matthew Murphy's birthday yesterday, which sadly I missed but he's now 28.
I have had an enjoyable day and I'm in a happy mood, goodnight :)
23rdJuly2012
I was sunbathing in the early hours of the afternoon, but sadly didn't rotate myself at all and ended up burning the majority of my front side. It hurts a little but not too much, and I'm not too bothered as I know it'll give me a slight bit of a tan when it stops being so red. It's supposed to be hot for most of this week, so I will probably be spending most of my afternoons like this if I'm awake, however I'll be allowing my back to burn this time. I enjoy the colour of my freckles when the skin is sunburned, it looks pretty cool to me, but sadly scars come up too.
The sun puts me in a happy mood, so I've be thinking reasonably positive today. Thinking positively is much better, there's no use out of thinking negatively as it just gets you down. Happy will always be the right way forward, share a smile :)
The sun puts me in a happy mood, so I've be thinking reasonably positive today. Thinking positively is much better, there's no use out of thinking negatively as it just gets you down. Happy will always be the right way forward, share a smile :)
22ndJuly2012
Yesterday I saw someone, an ex who treated me badly. I never have to see him as he lives over the other side of town to me and he doesn't tend to go to places I go to. I've only seen him once before this unintentionally since we broke up in 2008, and I broke down in tears from just the sight of him. I've probably talked about the situation that I was once in with him before, but I suppose now is a good time to mention it again. Hopefully talking about it will make me feeling calmer and be able to get him off my mind once again.
RS and me dated for around half a year and saw each other every weekend, as it was difficult to get to each other. We first met through my friend Lean, as she was dating him at the time but me being a 14 year old didn't see the problem with dating my friend's ex afterwards. He treated me well at first and was well interested in me, but then after a while changed dramatically. At the time and still now I believe I loved someone called Osmond, we were very close as he went to my school, lived down my road and we had the same friend group. RS was slightly aware of this and was always jealous of Osmond and arguing with him whenever possible, especially as he knew this really got to me. I remember on a few accounts that RS forced me into pleasuring him through putting his cock in my mouth, but at the time I wasn't bothered with this as for all I knew, I loved him. He started to not care about me and my feelings. Before I was with him I use to self harm through cutting myself, and continued to do so when I was dating him. He used this to his advantage and managed to black mail me into staying in a relationship with him otherwise he would tell my parents that I was self harming. He always use to threaten me with this, thus managing to get his way with me. Things got pretty bad for Osmond and it all came out to me one night online, the main thing that affected me here was him saying he was depressed, which instantly got my hysterical. My internet closed off and had to get RS to talk to him to see if he was okay, instead of being useful in any way he decided to make things harder for me. He told me such things to hint onto that Osmond was going to kill himself that night, so I got worse and RS still wasn't helping. RS was aware that I had been collecting pills so that I could overdose for a couple of months, and even when I said it would be that night he did not care. He was never that supportive of me which made me feel completely helpless and alone. I got off the phone with RS and started to pop pill after pill, all together there was around 70 with 50 paracetamol and 20 ibuprofen tablets. Quite obviously I overcame the overdose and did not die, which I am very thankful of. My mother woke me up as I had fallen asleep downstairs after many hours of physical pain from taking the pills, but once I had woken the feeling was intensified and I was continuously throwing up for a good few hours. I was being sick for the next day and I believe I wouldn't have survived if my mother did not wake me up at that early time of the morning. She was clueless to my actions until a week later my teacher found out and told her, though which she found out by my close friends talking about it obviously too loudly in school. Mum broke down and we headed to the hospital for a blood test, everything was fine and I was going to be okay. I broke up with RS as my mum finally knew everything and from then on I knew everything would be okay.
I actually use to write a blog every now and then when I was younger, it use to make me feel much better being able to get how I feel out somewhere, and it still does now. I'll apologise about my grammar and terrible spellings now!
13/12/08 - So Lately Thing Have Been Tough To Get Through. And I Haven’t Been Taking Them Well. What Would You Do If You Found Out Your Best Friend Was Addicted To Drugs, Started Self Harming Again And Was Feeling A Bit Suicidal. Would You Take An Overdose? And Wait By The Front Room Window For Him To Come. Or Just Go On With Your Life. I Guess Its Not Just Because Of That. It Could Be That 11 Year Old Who Tells You He Loves You And Carves Your Name On His Stomach. Then Tells You Its Time To Go Every Day, Meaning He's Going To Kill Himself Because You Would Rather Not Know When He Dies. Because He Says Its Not Your Fault But You Can Tell It Is. Or Maybe It Could Be Because Your Forced To Stay With Your Boyfriend. If You Break Up Or Irritate Him Its Always Im Going To Tell Your Dad You Self Harm. But I Spouse It Is My Fault For Being Here. Im Sorry For Every Thing Wrong Ive Done In My Life, And Yeah. Until Next Time..x
20/12/08 - thought things would be a lot worse. but then again you never know what’s coming next. yesterday.. last day of school missed it. i told my close ones about last wednesday. everyone thought i was okay. even me. we didn't know you could still die. until that teacher overheard. told them that you can still die and it affects you long term. your lungs. I have learnt a lot. when i went to A&E i saw a lady. she was nice and subtle. next i saw a man. he told me haw it was. you can die. and you will die. if its not out of your blood. it didn't affect me much. life's life. you cant change the past. but my mum.. it shocked her. she was worried again. went to a room. cubicle they call it. there was two other people in the room. a woman who had something wrong and could hardly move or breath. then a boy. little bit older than me. he was with his dad. i thought he got stabbed. but then realised it was stabbing pains. he had a blood clot in his spleen i think?!!? be looked so bad. but later on he just walked out. i was like okay then. they took my blood. a hell of a lot. started to cry again. haha. the nurse made me laugh. he was my height and black. with a squeaky voice. took an hour and five minutes to get my blood test results back. i was fine. to be honest. i didn't really care how they turned out. i make mistakes. so does every one else. but im all god now. so smile :] ive realised things. like the fact my friends told because they care. where as Ryan was going to do it for spite. im going to his today. i want to hate him. but i can. i want him back. but i don’t. i don’t know what i want. but if i don’t write here soon. i hope everyone has a good chrismas..x
30/12/08 - so me breaking up with Ryan wasn't the smartest idea. i thought we would just get back together. we didn't and still haven’t. ive got over the fact that i miss him. and realised that Im actually in love with him. i hate love. it just fucks up your life. you get up in the morning. think about them. middle of the day. thinking about them. then try to get to sleep. but spend to much time thinking about them. that you cant get to sleep. you spend hours trying to sleep. and every thing reminds you of them. that’s the song we played together. we use to walk by this park together. we use to be on the swings together. he use to sit on this sofa with me. everything. all those nights crying. for that one boy who will never care. i hate love. they can hurt you a million times. yet you fall for them again and again. he plays me. over the two weeks. making me think there’s a chance of getting back together. like when i went to his house. we sat close on the sofa. he leaned in to kiss me see if i would kiss back. even though he knew i would. and i did. later i asked why he did it. he said it was some single fun because he was bored. sometimes i think he never even cared. just to get Leanne back. then realised he didn’t want her. and realised that Im a push over. he knew if he slagged off Jamie i would end it. he just pushed me too far that time. okay so i care about Jamie a hell of a lot. and Ryan knows that. he just hates him so much. but i know Jamie will always be here for me. like that time when i basically beat him up. the next day in school we was next to each other. he said to me. Amy why aren’t you talking to me. i said because you hate me. he said no don’t be silly. and we just become closer and closer each passing day. but all i really want is Ryan. once something’s gone. you can never replace it. always be that space in my heart for him..x
When seeing him yesterday I was waiting by the side of the queue in Tesco by the front door, I instantly froze and it almost didn't seem real when he first turned up. I just stared at him walking towards me, face looking listless and having no thoughts on what to do or think. In those few seconds I had such a panic, I thought he was walking towards me at one point, and was even thinking about what I would do if he started talking to me. He walked right by me, even looked at me I'm pretty sure but I don't think he clicked that it was me at all, even with me not taking my eyes off of him.
Still after all of this time it is still scared in the back of my mind, I'll never forget about how I was feeling all those years ago, how he treated me and how helpless I really was. I do feel like this was a really big turning point in my life though, I am a much happier person since that time and I try to think more positively whenever I can. I'm proud of the way I have turned out :)
RS and me dated for around half a year and saw each other every weekend, as it was difficult to get to each other. We first met through my friend Lean, as she was dating him at the time but me being a 14 year old didn't see the problem with dating my friend's ex afterwards. He treated me well at first and was well interested in me, but then after a while changed dramatically. At the time and still now I believe I loved someone called Osmond, we were very close as he went to my school, lived down my road and we had the same friend group. RS was slightly aware of this and was always jealous of Osmond and arguing with him whenever possible, especially as he knew this really got to me. I remember on a few accounts that RS forced me into pleasuring him through putting his cock in my mouth, but at the time I wasn't bothered with this as for all I knew, I loved him. He started to not care about me and my feelings. Before I was with him I use to self harm through cutting myself, and continued to do so when I was dating him. He used this to his advantage and managed to black mail me into staying in a relationship with him otherwise he would tell my parents that I was self harming. He always use to threaten me with this, thus managing to get his way with me. Things got pretty bad for Osmond and it all came out to me one night online, the main thing that affected me here was him saying he was depressed, which instantly got my hysterical. My internet closed off and had to get RS to talk to him to see if he was okay, instead of being useful in any way he decided to make things harder for me. He told me such things to hint onto that Osmond was going to kill himself that night, so I got worse and RS still wasn't helping. RS was aware that I had been collecting pills so that I could overdose for a couple of months, and even when I said it would be that night he did not care. He was never that supportive of me which made me feel completely helpless and alone. I got off the phone with RS and started to pop pill after pill, all together there was around 70 with 50 paracetamol and 20 ibuprofen tablets. Quite obviously I overcame the overdose and did not die, which I am very thankful of. My mother woke me up as I had fallen asleep downstairs after many hours of physical pain from taking the pills, but once I had woken the feeling was intensified and I was continuously throwing up for a good few hours. I was being sick for the next day and I believe I wouldn't have survived if my mother did not wake me up at that early time of the morning. She was clueless to my actions until a week later my teacher found out and told her, though which she found out by my close friends talking about it obviously too loudly in school. Mum broke down and we headed to the hospital for a blood test, everything was fine and I was going to be okay. I broke up with RS as my mum finally knew everything and from then on I knew everything would be okay.
I actually use to write a blog every now and then when I was younger, it use to make me feel much better being able to get how I feel out somewhere, and it still does now. I'll apologise about my grammar and terrible spellings now!
13/12/08 - So Lately Thing Have Been Tough To Get Through. And I Haven’t Been Taking Them Well. What Would You Do If You Found Out Your Best Friend Was Addicted To Drugs, Started Self Harming Again And Was Feeling A Bit Suicidal. Would You Take An Overdose? And Wait By The Front Room Window For Him To Come. Or Just Go On With Your Life. I Guess Its Not Just Because Of That. It Could Be That 11 Year Old Who Tells You He Loves You And Carves Your Name On His Stomach. Then Tells You Its Time To Go Every Day, Meaning He's Going To Kill Himself Because You Would Rather Not Know When He Dies. Because He Says Its Not Your Fault But You Can Tell It Is. Or Maybe It Could Be Because Your Forced To Stay With Your Boyfriend. If You Break Up Or Irritate Him Its Always Im Going To Tell Your Dad You Self Harm. But I Spouse It Is My Fault For Being Here. Im Sorry For Every Thing Wrong Ive Done In My Life, And Yeah. Until Next Time..x
20/12/08 - thought things would be a lot worse. but then again you never know what’s coming next. yesterday.. last day of school missed it. i told my close ones about last wednesday. everyone thought i was okay. even me. we didn't know you could still die. until that teacher overheard. told them that you can still die and it affects you long term. your lungs. I have learnt a lot. when i went to A&E i saw a lady. she was nice and subtle. next i saw a man. he told me haw it was. you can die. and you will die. if its not out of your blood. it didn't affect me much. life's life. you cant change the past. but my mum.. it shocked her. she was worried again. went to a room. cubicle they call it. there was two other people in the room. a woman who had something wrong and could hardly move or breath. then a boy. little bit older than me. he was with his dad. i thought he got stabbed. but then realised it was stabbing pains. he had a blood clot in his spleen i think?!!? be looked so bad. but later on he just walked out. i was like okay then. they took my blood. a hell of a lot. started to cry again. haha. the nurse made me laugh. he was my height and black. with a squeaky voice. took an hour and five minutes to get my blood test results back. i was fine. to be honest. i didn't really care how they turned out. i make mistakes. so does every one else. but im all god now. so smile :] ive realised things. like the fact my friends told because they care. where as Ryan was going to do it for spite. im going to his today. i want to hate him. but i can. i want him back. but i don’t. i don’t know what i want. but if i don’t write here soon. i hope everyone has a good chrismas..x
30/12/08 - so me breaking up with Ryan wasn't the smartest idea. i thought we would just get back together. we didn't and still haven’t. ive got over the fact that i miss him. and realised that Im actually in love with him. i hate love. it just fucks up your life. you get up in the morning. think about them. middle of the day. thinking about them. then try to get to sleep. but spend to much time thinking about them. that you cant get to sleep. you spend hours trying to sleep. and every thing reminds you of them. that’s the song we played together. we use to walk by this park together. we use to be on the swings together. he use to sit on this sofa with me. everything. all those nights crying. for that one boy who will never care. i hate love. they can hurt you a million times. yet you fall for them again and again. he plays me. over the two weeks. making me think there’s a chance of getting back together. like when i went to his house. we sat close on the sofa. he leaned in to kiss me see if i would kiss back. even though he knew i would. and i did. later i asked why he did it. he said it was some single fun because he was bored. sometimes i think he never even cared. just to get Leanne back. then realised he didn’t want her. and realised that Im a push over. he knew if he slagged off Jamie i would end it. he just pushed me too far that time. okay so i care about Jamie a hell of a lot. and Ryan knows that. he just hates him so much. but i know Jamie will always be here for me. like that time when i basically beat him up. the next day in school we was next to each other. he said to me. Amy why aren’t you talking to me. i said because you hate me. he said no don’t be silly. and we just become closer and closer each passing day. but all i really want is Ryan. once something’s gone. you can never replace it. always be that space in my heart for him..x
When seeing him yesterday I was waiting by the side of the queue in Tesco by the front door, I instantly froze and it almost didn't seem real when he first turned up. I just stared at him walking towards me, face looking listless and having no thoughts on what to do or think. In those few seconds I had such a panic, I thought he was walking towards me at one point, and was even thinking about what I would do if he started talking to me. He walked right by me, even looked at me I'm pretty sure but I don't think he clicked that it was me at all, even with me not taking my eyes off of him.
Still after all of this time it is still scared in the back of my mind, I'll never forget about how I was feeling all those years ago, how he treated me and how helpless I really was. I do feel like this was a really big turning point in my life though, I am a much happier person since that time and I try to think more positively whenever I can. I'm proud of the way I have turned out :)
21stJuly2012
Well I was definitely more gone than I was the night before, even if I drank less. I suppose it was because of the amount I ate and how quickly I was drinking last night. I'm actually writing this the next day if you can't tell, didn't particularly want to get vomit on my laptop which I think's quite fair. I had an enjoyable evening, especially as I got to spend it with my friend Peacock and his friend Matt. In the past I haven't taken that much of a liking to Matt, but because he had alcohol down him he was coming across friendlier and more genuine. Chris was there too, but he left for a while to go see a girl he's seeing, so I didn't really get to spend much time with him at all. The atmosphere was nice, however I wish the music performers were better, there were people more around my age and that the uncomfortable feeling was completely gone. I did have fun though, but I feel I may not drink for a good while hopefully.
20thJuly2012
It's weird how alcohol can make you feel more safe, secure and comforted. I am drunk right now, after two cans and three pints of Strongbow, I can admit that I am very much of a lightweight! I've enjoyed my night at the local pub The Falcon and will be there again tomorrow night, Wish me well :D
19thJuly2012
I don't have high expectations for the worlds future, people take everything far too freely and judge everyone just from what they can physically see. How animals get treated has upset me once again, which was my fault for slightly checking out a website which promotes animal welfare and equality. I seriously think speciesism, a made up word for discrimination to species. I honestly see it on the same level of sexism, racism or whatever else ism, it's just sad that I'm one of very few which share this opinion, however I do think it's quite rightful to look down on all humans as a species, as they are quite disgusting.
Although this topic has got me a little down tonight, I am still grateful for getting to spend my last night and morning with Alex, which was very nice as we always tend to be as close as we use to be when we were together when he stays over for the night. I simply love being with and around him, any connection which I can get with him I will take, but sadly he doesn't seem to want to spend all his time with me. I do wish that Alex felt the same way towards me as I do to him, but there's nothing I can do about that really as it's all personal preference. What I really dislike though is that even though we can have an amazing time with each other, he still doesn't seem too interested in seeing me for a good while after but does with other friends. I don't particularly think he sees me as a friend, and I have no clue as to how he does see me. I think I should probably talk to him about this, as it's one thing that I've wondered for a very long time. I seem to simply accept what I can get from him, but really this isn't right and I don't wish this upon anyone.
It's late at night and I'm in a deep thinking mood, I'm happy I didn't get a decent sleep last night because it means I'm sleepy now and hopefully will be able to get to sleep easier.
I would just like to mention that you should always read the label! Careless me didn't when using Savalon, so instead of adding 30ml to 1/2 a litre of warm water I used it straight and it's burned up my face leaving it to be blistered around my lip piercing. It does look very sore, and very gross to say the least, but I guess there's nothing I can do other than use something suitable to help clear it up.
Although this topic has got me a little down tonight, I am still grateful for getting to spend my last night and morning with Alex, which was very nice as we always tend to be as close as we use to be when we were together when he stays over for the night. I simply love being with and around him, any connection which I can get with him I will take, but sadly he doesn't seem to want to spend all his time with me. I do wish that Alex felt the same way towards me as I do to him, but there's nothing I can do about that really as it's all personal preference. What I really dislike though is that even though we can have an amazing time with each other, he still doesn't seem too interested in seeing me for a good while after but does with other friends. I don't particularly think he sees me as a friend, and I have no clue as to how he does see me. I think I should probably talk to him about this, as it's one thing that I've wondered for a very long time. I seem to simply accept what I can get from him, but really this isn't right and I don't wish this upon anyone.
It's late at night and I'm in a deep thinking mood, I'm happy I didn't get a decent sleep last night because it means I'm sleepy now and hopefully will be able to get to sleep easier.
I would just like to mention that you should always read the label! Careless me didn't when using Savalon, so instead of adding 30ml to 1/2 a litre of warm water I used it straight and it's burned up my face leaving it to be blistered around my lip piercing. It does look very sore, and very gross to say the least, but I guess there's nothing I can do other than use something suitable to help clear it up.
18thJuly2012
So today I've been into town with Alex and he's staying over mine for the night. We've had an enjoyable time in town, at first we went around getting some bits that we need / want such as mouthwash, chocolate, crisps and ice cream. We saw Ice Age 4 at 3, which we thoroughly enjoyed and I very much suggest everyone to watch. A lot of the plot was easy to guess, as it's a family / children's film, however that didn't take away the entertainment at all. After the film we went to Pizza Express and got two margarita pizzas and two garlic dough balls, which all together came near £10 as I have an Orange Wednesday code. The meal was nice and the company was lovely too. I've never been okay with buses, which Alex is well aware of so he's always been very comforting to me when we're on a bus together, cuddling up closely and holding my hand making sure I'm okay. Since we've been home we have got the mattress on the floor so my parents can feel a little better that we're not sleeping together, watched Big Brother and now we're about to watch Despicable Me which I've never watched before and he says is very good. We've been passionate towards each other tonight, and him more so than he usually is, which I very much like and it makes me feel good about myself and boosts my self confidence, rather than just having a want for someone to play with. So far I haven't had one of my down moments, so very hopefully I stay like this! :)
17thJuly2012
I've finally got my snake bites done after a solid 4 years of wanting them done! I'm very excited to say the least and very much love them, however am a little worried about the equal-ness of them both as they look a little off from each other, however half of my lip is inflamed so I'm just over-reacting I'm sure. There isn't any pain when getting your lip pierced, which I like a lot and made me a lot more relaxed than I was last year when getting my lip pierced for the very first time. I should be getting the exciting business of showing Alex my new piercing tomorrow, as we should be going into town for a film, food and then he'll be staying round mine for the night. I'm happy with how we are at the moment, but can already see I will have one of my moments where I turn instantly down and feel like shit for around an hour for something silly Alex has said unintentionally.
16thJuly2012
Well my emotions are still all over the place and so is my head. I've been with Alex earlier today, every thing was really nice at the time and afterwards, but now I'm starting to get my doubts. He acts so kind to me when we're together, I just wish he was a little more understanding of what I want when we're talking online or not face to face. I wonder if he's fully aware that I still want to date him and am still in love with him. I've been thinking lately, what if I'm not in love with him, I tell him all the time now that I hate him and I dislike him since I found out about the ecstasy, and I definitely mean it towards the part of him that wants to take drugs. I don't really think he's in control of his drug taking or smoking, even though he told me he would stop smoking as soon as he felt addicted to it. I don't feel as if I can trust him any longer, and once the trust has gone there's nothing. I can't believe how much the ecstasy thing has changed things for us, I wish though that I was strong enough to say goodbye to him for real. I would be absolutely fine with Alex [other than the drug thing] if it wasn't for other people telling me otherwise, I always get told that I deserve better from him, but is that just because I only tell them the negative things and not the positive? Is it because I don't tell them how I act when I'm around him? Or is it that they simply know or understand him? People make me so confused when it comes to mine and Alex's relationship. Fair enough we should not be getting off with each other if we're not in a relationship, and he definitely shouldn't allow things to happen between us if he's not willing to be in a relationship with me and is fully aware of how I feel towards him and what it could do to me, but what if he feels something more for me, or doesn't know how it makes me feel at times, or me pleading and begging for something more from him is just too much. When things were dodgy between us I did in fact beg him for close cuddles and kisses, he use to say no and have a little bit of resistance at first, but not any more, and I've told him before that it doesn't bother me one bit [even though it does], so maybe he really believes me. Things are strange between us, I really do want to talk to him about a hell of a lot of things, but I'm never too confident will telling him them or asking him things while I'm sober, then I take the drunk thing too far and everything I say turns into a big mess. I think I will start writing down things I want to say to him and ask him, as I'm forgetful too and hopefully it'll be easier to remember what I want to say to him this way. I wish things were different, but I guess I can blame nobody but myself for making everything this way.
15thJuly2012
Things again this morning weren't so great, I got woken up which put me instantly in a bad mood but luckily I fell back asleep. Once I woke up properly at 2 though my mum managed to kill my slightly good feeling by being nasty to me. I finally saw my friends Nicky and Sean who I haven't seen for over a week because of my illness, it was nice spending time with the both of them and having a catch up. Things are still not good with Alex, but he probably thinks they are seems as I'm acting normal with him after a few days of obvious off-ness. He may be coming round tomorrow, but I'm not feeling so happy right now as jealousy has taken over me as him and another girl seemed close in pictures from a party last weekend and he's being overly keen towards her on Twitter. I wish I could stop this jealousy, and not care about things like this at all but I am a very jealous person!
14thJuly2012
If I were to kill myself, it would be because I would feel alone with no hope of a decent future. I would feel as if my life isn't going anywhere and I wouldn't make much difference to anything. Finding a job is really hard these days, so I'll be having no income soon, with parents hating me living in their house. I don't want to live here either, I hate the people I live with and always feel uncomfortable around them. I want my own place, but I wouldn't know what to make of it, and eventually I would get depressed living away from home anyway and be left how I'm feeling now anyway. I don't know what to do.
I am so fucking angry right now, I do NOT want my little cousin in my room to sleep tonight. I really fucking pissed off and I want to be by myself, in my room where I can do whatever the fuck I like.
My emotions are all over the fucking place and I cannot handle it.
I am so fucking angry right now, I do NOT want my little cousin in my room to sleep tonight. I really fucking pissed off and I want to be by myself, in my room where I can do whatever the fuck I like.
My emotions are all over the fucking place and I cannot handle it.
13thJuly2012
Amazing day! I had my photo-shoot done today with my animals, it was crazy and they went wild, but it was all fun. Jasper got very moody after a while, and drove her claws into me whenever she good, it was very painful but not too bad as she stayed in the place she was supposed to as she was too aggregated to move. Webster was excited so wasn't too calm or relaxed in the photos, running away when he was supposed to be sitting but it worked out fine. Rou kept running around as per usual but was calm when he needed to be for some great photos. All in all it was a great day, but I'm not looking forward to the prices of the photos!
12thJuly2012
I've got my photo-shoot with my animals tomorrow, I'm reasonably excited and only nervous a little. The person who is taking the photos will hopefully be a woman who is very much into animals, and even has her own. The way mum talked about her after their phone call seemed as if the woman was very friendly and encouraging, so hopefully she'll make me feel more comfortable tonight. I won't be enjoying the morning though, as I know whatever I do to myself I can never look that great, I'm really not thinking too positively lately.
11thJuly2012
No joke, I actually just found a worm in the toilet. I'm very shocked, disturbed and disgusted to have much thought on this at the moment. I'm very sure no one else wants to hear about this, but I feel I need to share it somewhere before I tell a wrong person. While in attempt to find out whether it came out someone's ass or got there some other way I came across someone giving the statement of 'I shit a worm', this made me laugh as much as I possibly could over this subject and hopefully others can laugh at this too, rather than finding it less humorous and more revolting.
I do have that low standards to take a picture of it, but I don't think anyone else would be as interested in the picture and I can't ever imagine want to be reminded of it either. It actually reminds me of my hamsters, it's slithering in attempt to get up the side of the toilet bowl but failing because it's too sleek, just as the hamsters do in the dry bath, helpless creatures.
I'm far too taken back and disgusted at this, most definitely hope this isn't the last thing on my mind tonight!
I do have that low standards to take a picture of it, but I don't think anyone else would be as interested in the picture and I can't ever imagine want to be reminded of it either. It actually reminds me of my hamsters, it's slithering in attempt to get up the side of the toilet bowl but failing because it's too sleek, just as the hamsters do in the dry bath, helpless creatures.
I'm far too taken back and disgusted at this, most definitely hope this isn't the last thing on my mind tonight!
10thJuly2012
Do you know what? I'm really fucking ill, don't give me a hard time for creating a bad blog :(
9thJuly2012
Things have been really hard with Alex lately, for the past few days I've been off with him as I was close to being on my period, thus mood swings and I wasn't doing well with knowing he was out and there was a possibility of him doing drugs while out. I think the most he would have done was weed, which is extremely disgusting and hate even the thought of him doing. Our relationship ups and downs are going crazy at the moment!
I must leave now though, I'm unwell and I'm about to pass out.
I must leave now though, I'm unwell and I'm about to pass out.
8thJuly2012
I would really love for some followers, someone who actually knew what I was talking about and knows why I'm in the situations I'm in. I can blame this to my lack of promoting though, as I don't want anyone I know to find out about this blog, and can definitely see that always being my as some blog posts are very shitty and embarrassing! Somehow I thought that this blog would have moved on a bit farther by now, after being on this blogging website for over 6 months now, exactly 191 days. I wish it was different, but nothing I should be complaining about if I haven't put in dedication to getting it a little bit known.
I'm not into my sports at all, the only time I can ever get a little into it is if it's the Olympics or the football world cup [limited to England], and even then it's only about being with people, enjoying the sun and drinking rather than the actual entertainment from the sport. I am though seeing synchronised swimming at the Olympics this year, as it's quite possibly the only chance I'll ever get to see something at the Olympics and I'm very grateful for being able to get the tickets. I'll be going with my mum and then possibly spending the rest of the day in London if we're not able to stay in the stadium thing or whatever. It should be a good day, a nice mother and daughter thing.
I'm not into my sports at all, the only time I can ever get a little into it is if it's the Olympics or the football world cup [limited to England], and even then it's only about being with people, enjoying the sun and drinking rather than the actual entertainment from the sport. I am though seeing synchronised swimming at the Olympics this year, as it's quite possibly the only chance I'll ever get to see something at the Olympics and I'm very grateful for being able to get the tickets. I'll be going with my mum and then possibly spending the rest of the day in London if we're not able to stay in the stadium thing or whatever. It should be a good day, a nice mother and daughter thing.
7thJuly2012
I'm feeling very close to how I was last night,sad that so many friends have been so willing to leave me behind, and again JR in particular. The whole situation of what happened with us really plays on my mind once I have him in my head for a few minutes. I even had a dream with him in it last night because I was thinking about him just before I slept and he's been really on my mind, in the dream we didn't speak, we were just closely by each other as we were hanging out with the same few people. I really do wish things ended up differently with him, I may have quite possibly never given up trying to get him back if he didn't have a girlfriend, as then it was just awkward and I could imagine she would take the complete wrong impression.
The Wombats are one thing that nearly always manage to bring me back up though, so I listen to them continuously thoughout all my days depending on how I'm feeling. They are my favourite band, have been for a year now, I've seen them twice; once at a festival and once at their own gig, my favourite song of theirs if Lets Dance To Joy Division, however that's their most known song, and what made them famous really. I love all their songs, but those that stand out for me are: Dear Hamburg, We Don't Mean That Much, IOU's, I'm A Robot Like You, Happily Screwed, Reynold's Park, Avalanche, Trampolining, The Barman's Fault, My Circuitboard City and Guillotine. All those songs listed are their less known songs though, of course I love all the songs which were famously on their CD's too. My first time seeing them at T4otb '11 was amazing, as the sun was blazing down and I was mainly enjoying it with Alex, as the rest weren't too aware of who they were. They only played 4 songs, but it was the best few moments of quite possibly my life. So careless of who's listening or watching you, completely carefree and happy. They played Tokyo [Vampires & Wolves], Jump Into The Fog, Techno Fan and Lets Dance To Joy Division. The whole crowd went absolutely crazy, and it was the best atmosphere I have ever been with. I definitely want to live it again! Sadly they were't at the festival this year, and I'm too poor to see any they're playing at this summer because they're all too far away or difficult to get to. Ahh I love The Wombats!
I'm quite angry at Alex at the moment, I just really can't handle the whole him taking drugs thing. Alex said 'Hello beautiful' to me on facebook chat, but angry with him so I left without replying. He rang me a while after, but again I ignored it, and a little bit after that he rang again [just now]. I picked up the second time and tried to sound like everything was okay, but slowly I got myself more upset and spoke less words so it was less obvious how upset I was and that I was crying. I managed to hold it in well enough while on the phone, but it was only a short conversation as he had to go. I don't even know what's wrong with my, I'm feeling so down lately for no reason whatsoever. I can only assume though that it's many things put together that's getting me down. I really have not been coping with Alex taking drugs, JR has been brought up again and college is over with and I'm doing the same thing of nothing daily. I'm feeling quite lonely, but I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to who I would feel comfortable with or can help.
The Wombats are one thing that nearly always manage to bring me back up though, so I listen to them continuously thoughout all my days depending on how I'm feeling. They are my favourite band, have been for a year now, I've seen them twice; once at a festival and once at their own gig, my favourite song of theirs if Lets Dance To Joy Division, however that's their most known song, and what made them famous really. I love all their songs, but those that stand out for me are: Dear Hamburg, We Don't Mean That Much, IOU's, I'm A Robot Like You, Happily Screwed, Reynold's Park, Avalanche, Trampolining, The Barman's Fault, My Circuitboard City and Guillotine. All those songs listed are their less known songs though, of course I love all the songs which were famously on their CD's too. My first time seeing them at T4otb '11 was amazing, as the sun was blazing down and I was mainly enjoying it with Alex, as the rest weren't too aware of who they were. They only played 4 songs, but it was the best few moments of quite possibly my life. So careless of who's listening or watching you, completely carefree and happy. They played Tokyo [Vampires & Wolves], Jump Into The Fog, Techno Fan and Lets Dance To Joy Division. The whole crowd went absolutely crazy, and it was the best atmosphere I have ever been with. I definitely want to live it again! Sadly they were't at the festival this year, and I'm too poor to see any they're playing at this summer because they're all too far away or difficult to get to. Ahh I love The Wombats!
I'm quite angry at Alex at the moment, I just really can't handle the whole him taking drugs thing. Alex said 'Hello beautiful' to me on facebook chat, but angry with him so I left without replying. He rang me a while after, but again I ignored it, and a little bit after that he rang again [just now]. I picked up the second time and tried to sound like everything was okay, but slowly I got myself more upset and spoke less words so it was less obvious how upset I was and that I was crying. I managed to hold it in well enough while on the phone, but it was only a short conversation as he had to go. I don't even know what's wrong with my, I'm feeling so down lately for no reason whatsoever. I can only assume though that it's many things put together that's getting me down. I really have not been coping with Alex taking drugs, JR has been brought up again and college is over with and I'm doing the same thing of nothing daily. I'm feeling quite lonely, but I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to who I would feel comfortable with or can help.
6thJuly2012
My problem is I can and never will be able to stick to my thoughts. I don't have many good friends in my life at the moment, and that which I'm closest to I'm willing to push away. I'm unsure of what to do with my friendships, who I should try a little harder with and who I should leave behind. They say you should let them go, and if they come following you back then they're really there for you, but really who knows any more. I'm at too much of a risk of my closest friend not coming back if I push them away, they're a lazy person and I'm sure it wouldn't take them even a percentage as long to forget about me as it would take me to even get over them. I feel really hopeless right now. So many of my friends have left me behind, and I have fought so much to get those which mean something to me back, but they have none of it and instead treat me like someone they've never known. One person I've always really really really struggled getting over was my friend JR, I use to walk to his house daily which is up a hill 30 minutes away, and he use to stay over mine every weekend for a good while. This was a strictly friends relationship, and I saw nothing more than that of him, even if he definitely felt more for me. Everything was fine between us, and we was as good as ever until one night and the first night I had a planned sleep over at his house, I had slept there twice before as me and another friend Lean were having home problems and he offered for us to crash at his for the night. But anyway, on the night that I stayed over everything was fine, and then the following morning and day too, it was just the days, weeks and months after that which were a hell of a lot different. He was acting as if he didn't want to talk to me, I blamed this on his art exam first and didn't think much of it, only that he was instead focusing on his course work for the exam. I remember I was in Teco with mum just leaving and I phoned him to see what was going on, he would always return my call but this time there was nothing. It was just a sudden drop of interaction from that one night, and still up to this day I have no clue as to why. This was back in 2009, and I still haven't truly gotten over how much he meant to me and how he could do that to me. I don't think I would ever be able to truly forgive him, it honestly hurts so much and when I do remember him and get properly thinking of how close we were it really brings me down. I miss JR, he was a good friend while it lasted <3
5thJuly2012
Saying I hate my dad is such an understatement. He honestly lives to make other peoples lives hell. He's such a horrible hearted person and doesn't care who he hurts through his life. He hasn't angered me tonight, just annoyed with his usual comments in attempt to put me down. I've dealt with bullying in my past, through the last years of primary school and all of secondary school. In a conversation about bullying the other day I was having with a friend they asked if I had ever been bullied, to which I replied yes. Mother was sitting in the same room and said you haven't have you?! I brushed it off and avoided giving her a serious answer back. I think she must have been pretty clueless to not know I was bullied, but maybe she classes being bullied differently to me. It was all verbal bullying that I had, and thankfully no physical. I think all the people at my secondary school were too pussy and fucking retarded to actually physically bully me, I may well have gone mental at them. Verbal bullying definitely isn't as bad in ways, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me', of course that's absolute bullshit, words most definitely can hurt you, but in a much different way. I wouldn't say anyone bullies me now other than my dad, and even then he doesn't realise how much of a prick he's being or what it does to my self confidence. I will be a much happier person once I'm out this house and don't have to see him everyday with his continuous negativity towards me. Things are far different at college, I haven't been bullied once there and in general most people are nice and know how to act with people and in public. All that's happened there is my friends saying comments, but in a way that all friends do and mean them jokily, which I do back and we're all absolutely fine with. I have actually been a bully towards people before, which now looking back is really fucking disgusting and I hate myself because of it. I think the reason was because it made me feel better in my own body because I was 'higher' than the other person, but that is completely sick in the head and I don't wish to be like that ever again. People say don't hold grudges, but I don't see any reason why not to, you wouldn't get much out of accepting them as a person because the likeliness is they haven't changed one bit and they still wouldn't regret their past decisions. People these days are not accepting enough, it would be much easier if we were all blind and couldn't judge people by what they look like in this respect, obviously literally it wouldn't be easier because most of us would die by walking off a cliff or something stupid.
4thJuly2012
What the actual fuck is wrong with me?! I spend ALL day sitting in my bed on my laptop, but forget to do a blog nearly every day. I am just about to go to bed, and it was sheer luck that I remembered to write at least a little, hence how shitty this blog is and my blabbering. One thing I must say that I am looking forward to is getting waxed, there is far too much hair on my body and I feel disgusting! Sadly I'm getting waxed next Wednesday though, which is another week of a painfully gross body. It's all seemed to grow back quite rapidly this time, doesn't satisfy me at all.
I've got my photo-shoot next Friday, I MUST stop eating so much, quite possibly would have to starve myself to see a difference by then though, this is a sad story of a fat kid. I'd say I'm more over weight than fat though, but seriously am not happy with my body. I'm clueless to why I eat so much. I've gone through a bulimic stage, and I've thought before that I would rather be anorexic, but that's stupid now. I very much wish my metabolism would work faster.
I've got my photo-shoot next Friday, I MUST stop eating so much, quite possibly would have to starve myself to see a difference by then though, this is a sad story of a fat kid. I'd say I'm more over weight than fat though, but seriously am not happy with my body. I'm clueless to why I eat so much. I've gone through a bulimic stage, and I've thought before that I would rather be anorexic, but that's stupid now. I very much wish my metabolism would work faster.
3rdJuly2012
No Church In The Wild by Kanye West is playing right now, it's the first time I've heard it and it's doing weird things to my head. It's making me panic slightly and makes me want to think about things deeply about society.
I think I may be a fruitarian now, I really NEED to lose a bit of podge before my photo-shoot!
I think I may be a fruitarian now, I really NEED to lose a bit of podge before my photo-shoot!
2ndJuly2012
Well I'm finally done and over with college now, I will hopefully dedicate a decent sized blog to my time at college, however I can't promise it will be any time so I'll apologies now. It's sadly time for my sleep now, an early morning on Monday always gets me bad, goodnight <3
1stJuly2012
I have eaten far too much food today! I'm feeling quite sick, sleepy, missing Alex as we haven't properly spoke today and I have college tomorrow thus an early morning. I'm very easily aggravated, amused, upset and what ever other emotion you can think of other than happy. I should really get to sleep now, and start my blogs earlier in the night!
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