12thJune2012

Okay so hopefully this time I can stay focused enough to tell you about my Friday night, from nearly two weeks go now. The plan was to get Alex over and talk about him doing ecstasy, and not get too mental over it however of course that didn't happen. If I keep myself from looking at his face or into his eyes I can usually hold back my feelings towards him, however of course his smell, his voice and his touch don't like to help me out at all. He sensed something was wrong right from the start, as I kept quickly rushing away from him because of lame excuses. To keep him from asking questions I got close to him, kissed him and smiled, he could definitely see through this but decided to leave it at that. The night was going really well, but of course I was drinking too much which soon brought me to the conversation of him doing ecstasy. I sneakily brought it up by mentioning my dad doing drugs, then told him how I wasn't happy with him doing weed, this was followed up with the question of 'have you done any other drugs?' My heart was racing and I started to panic, but hopefully managed to cover this up enough for him to answer me back and telling me the complete truth about him doing ecstasy, which I'm very glad about. I was quite drunk by this point so my memory is a little foggy, but I kept on drinking in attempt to ease the emotions. I burst into tears as soon as he told me, went straight for a cigarette and phoned my friend Sean to see if he was in and would come out to see me. Sean said he could meet me at the park and was with a few other people, so I accepted and got ready as quick as possible. I told Alex I was going to the park too if he liked, so he followed closely behind me saying nothing at all. We were both sat in silence next to each other on the swings for the next five minutes once we got there, until finally Sean got there, I ran straight towards him still crying. I had already told him of my plans for the night, so he knew to expect it. We talked a little and I got lots of comforting from him until I cheered a little bit and played around the park in the dark with our friends. Alex was still sat on the swing, looking pretty sorry for himself but I made him get up, he didn't socialise with the rest of them at all while I was there, but apparently did a little later. A friend passed me at the park and said that he was going to the pub to see another friend, so I said goodbye to the others [including Alex], and had a couple of drinks in the pub with them for a couple of hours before going back home to Alex. He left the park nearly straight away, after finding my headphones which I dropped. I came back home with the two that I went to the pub to, Alex knows of both of them however they all seem to dislike each other simply from judging them. After a while the two friends left then Alex and me sat together for a while then made it upstairs to my bed. we didn't talk about it properly afterwards from what I remember, but I do know that I told him that I already knew and if he did lie to me I probably would haven't talked to him ever again. I also told him that I loved him that night and that I still want to get back together with him, to which he replied 'talk to me about it another time Amy' in a sincere voice. We went to sleep and everything was fine and pretend happy in the morning. I got to keep his teddies Stigg and Steffy once again and then he left for Wales which he was at for one week.
I haven't forgiven him for taking ecstasy, however understand he didn't tell me in the first place to keep me safe and told me when I asked him because he's truthful to me, I'm very grateful for this. I do wish he would see how much pain it causes me knowing he takes drugs and stop, but really and truthfully he does not care about my feelings enough now to keep him from 'having fun and enjoying himself'.
I would really love to get back together with him, however everything would be so wrong. We've both changed so much and I don't think we properly suit each other any more. I wish things were how they use to be.