20thMay2012

I haven't been very affected by the thought of my parents breaking up as of yet, but I don't think it has sank in at all yet, and I still think that there's a big possibility that they will patch up things between them. All that needs to happen for them to work out again is if my dad stops being such a nasty person to everyone and appreciates the both of us. My mum was really bothered how he didn't make any effort whatsoever for my 18th birthday, the most he did for it was write a poxy little letter saying have a good day, love you and some other bull shit. I do like my parents being together, but not when he's acting like this as it just upsets the both of us him being around. Mum seems to think it's since my dad's sister died in November 2010 that he has been treating people horribly, he hasn't been giving any of his sisters respect and tends to ignore them all, putting his friends and half-family first, those who he gets drunk with and those that he hasn't known for very long, only a couple of years.
I tend to spend all of my home time in my room, as I know anywhere else I go there's a good possibility he will be there too. I don't enjoy time spent with my dad at all, I'd prefer not to see him.
I don't rate people who go out to clubs and pubs just to get off with people very highly at all, in fact quite the opposite. I am most definitely not one to speak, but I also don't see the point in kissing someone who you are not dating. It feels as if people these days are turning it into something that is done with whoever, whenever, this angers me a lot as I feel it should only be done with someone who you feel strongly about. Hugs are something suitable to give out freely, everyone should give out hugs, they are safe and comforting. People are too open these days, we need to play hard to get.

19thMay2012

I wonder if he even knows how much he leads me on and messes me about. He has been doing this for almost a year and three months now, it's always the same but I remain full of hope that one day we will be back together. We act completely the same with each other as we always have done for the near three years, but instead now just hide it from other people. I've heard a countless amount of times that we're so good together, we would be so good together and that we should be good together that I really do believe it, and I believe I would think that even if I wasn't hearing it every week. Everything seems so normal with him, and I have no idea when I will able to finally let him go, I'm dreading it. We have such a strange relationship that barely noone seems to understand, we should either stop continuing our relationship like this, or get back together. I feel like I've been left in limbo.
My mum's thinking about breaking up with my dad right now, she's messaging his niece about it as they tend to have drunken phone calls and cry about their life down the phone. Mum's in hope my cousin Anneli can set my dad straight, and show him how badly he treats the both of us. I prefer my mother than him by just about 100%, so I may be a little opinionated but in all seriousness I don't think my mum does anything wrong, possibly moan a little too much but really that's needed with both of our laziness to keep us in good shape. I'm not worrying about this all too much, as I don't think they will break up but it most definitely is a possibility.
I've got my first proper night out drinking tonight, we're leaving to go into town a little early though as mum's dropping us off and she starts work at 8. I'm feeling a little excited, however I know I will have to worry about other people [Rachel] keeping themselves safe. She got off with 13 guys in one night out last weekend, and what bothers me most about this is that she thinks it's so normal and something to be proud of. I would be truly disgusted with myself, and have been when it was one guy that I found on a night out. I don't think anyone should act like this, it is disgusting behaviour however I know that most people do it on a regular basis. I am happy with how refined I am when it comes to getting of the pull, I would much rather settle down with one person and be sure that it is them who I really like than get off with some guys who I have no interest in at all and will have no contact with in the future. Another thing that helps with this opinion is that I'm afraid of getting any diseases, whether it'd be from having intercourse or just kissing. I will be taken care of tonight, as I have lots of my friends around me who care about me dearly. Thank fuck for friends <3

18thMay2012

The feeling of having someone around all the time, to then not even seeing them a lot is very strange! However if it goes from not seeing them a lot, back up to seeing them frequently, that is very nice and especially if you get to act like you use to. I loved cuddling up to him at nice, having the warmth of his body next to mine and having someone there to talk to as I first wake up. He comforts me in such a way that no one else has, there are so many things like this which only he is capable of doing.
I had a wonderful day closely spent with him and parents around London, we walked around for a long while, had dinner at The Rainforest Cafe [where they have a live mouse living in the dinning area], had a couple of drinks at a pub and then walked around some more. It was an enjoyable day, and it's truly amazing how safe Alex can make me feel! I really do love him, I will always be in hope there's a chance for us again <3

17thMay2012

He's laying there on the mattress, unaware of how much he really means to me. I really feel like I should tell him how I really feel sometime, but the right time never comes around and I'll always get the same reply back of a hug. I don't fully understand why he will allow things to happen with us, but doesn't want to be anything more than friends. He looks so peaceful right now, like a little baby fast asleep. He looks adorable <3

16thMay2012

My 18th birthday, has been a very good day! I haven't been feeling very excited about it at all before today, and initially wasn't when I woke up. It was seeing texts from my friends that first put me in a positive mood, especially my friend Maybury's. He's always such a sweet person, and has been nothing other than since I have known him. The first beautiful human face I saw today was Alex's, it was a surprise visit which I was extremely happy and grateful over. Alex got me a massage bar from Lush, I had another massage bar which is slightly amazing an I love to use on Alex's back. I have been feeling a little ill lately, with aches and pains especially in my back, I'm in quite a bit of hope that Alex will give me one tomorrow! Lots of my family came over later in the day, I didn't talk to anyone particular for that long, just enjoyed their existence instead. My cousin Laura was there too, which I have had disagreements with sometime closer to the start of the year. We use to be really close, but she ruined that by having a problem with something she thought I had done, and instead of talking to me properly about it chose to ignore me instead. This really does anger me, but there's nothing I can really do about it now; I feel like it's down to the person who stopped the contact, to start up the contact again or it should be left how it is. We didn't talk at all, not even to say hi or get a happy birthday from, I feel sad thinking about this, so I'm going to stop here.
People judge on looks far too much. I have a friend called Weeden who isn't exactly the most good looking of guys, however he is really nice! He's such a kind hearted guy who really doesn't get the respect or recognition he deserves. As he's a lovely person, he's giving me his old hamster cage to me for mine and even bought a new food bowl, water bottle and hamster treats for the hamsters! The world would be a lot nicer if we were all treated as equals before judging people.
A little something that I must not forget: Tord Overland Knudsen from The Wombats replied to me on twitter! As it was my 18th birthday I felt it would be a good chance to give a bit of begging, I would have carried on to other celebrities, but I was far too shocked and lost for words that I don't think I would be able to handle it.
'@tordthelord <3 It's my 18th birthday, any chance of a reply or RT? :o Begging never hurt anyone. p.s. Shh.. You're my favourite Wombat!' | '@webstermad Gratulerer!'
Which means congratulations in Norwegian, as that's his nationality. I'm still very happy with that, and am grateful that some celebrities are still down with the earth and not too big headed to ignore their fans. This is a picture of Tord if anyone's wondering, this is most definitely my favourite photo of him!

15thMay2012

I wasn't feeling excited for my birthday yesterday, and I'm still not feeling any excitement towards it today even though it's only tomorrow. I would be feeling a little less negative about it if I wan't feeling ill, which I tend to quite often be on my birthday or whenever there's a special occasion on. I'll be having an early night now as I don't like to be awake at 12 when I'm going up a year in age, it would feel strange as I've never once done it. I really do appreciate my first two presents [the hamsters], I actually feel like I've bonded with them quite a lot. They ARE adorable, as you can see from the photos! I'll be phoning Alex now, I do love to hear his voice and it'll be a nice way to end my age 17th life :)

14thMay2012

I think it's a little sad that it's my 18th birthday in just two days and I not really that excited for it at all. I haven't been feeling too happy lately, my mood swings are really ridiculous and my emotions may be feeling intensified at the moment because it's the week before I'm on. I'm being hopeful that my Thursday night and Friday spent will Alex will leave me very happy, so much that things seem all good and positive for a good while.
Today hasn't been so much of a progressive one today, I have done a little bit of course work and will have it finished tomorrow. In college I had a welfare lesson, my teacher brought up good points about how controversial some charities are. I have been thinking about becoming a vegan a lot lately, and the lesson made me realise it's all how peta has put across eating dairy and such things through media. I don't think there's anything that wrong about eating eggs and drinking milk, however I do understand that the animals involved are often mistreated [primarily America and stupid countries]. It does make me angry what people do to animals, and I really do wish major amounts of pain to those people that cause the pain, and in ways support the pain. I wish the world was a lot nicer to animals :(

13thMay2012

The best thing which could happen right now, is if my father died. I often feel lots of anger towards him, I wrote that when I was feeling extreme amounts. We had an argument earlier, which brought this on and I was very unfairly treated, which is what I'm use to from him. Mum and I were upstairs talking about what our plans were for the day, and before she was leaving to go downstairs I asked her if she would kindly boil an egg for me for 10 minutes, which she agreed to. A little while later when it would have been ready I went downstairs to finish off my lunch, however mum forgot to do any of it so I said thank you to her sarcastically, and made a few other little jokey comments about her boiling an egg for me. Per usual dad had to get involved in something which had nothing to do with him, putting negative comments on me about how I never do anything and various other bull shit things. He was going outside for a cigarette so I forced the door shut and he really heavily forced it open, knowing I was there and it would cause me pain. I slammed the door shut and walked off, but he came in and hit me across the face, once again I slammed the door shut and he came back once again and hit me across the face a lot harder. Mum was there and was trying to stop him, she could see he was out of control and he was personally attacking me. I ran upstairs in floods of tears and took my anger out the only way that I could, by self harming which I should know better not to start up again..
I don't know if it's possible for me to feel complete hate towards him, as every time I could happily never see him again for the ways he treats me, I forgive him. I really do wish I never forgave him or forget about the things he has done, but I do and then it just happens again because he's truly a horrible person. He's getting worse too, he's drinking far more than he use to from what I can remember and it causes him to be even angrier and uncooperative.
He may well start depression up for me, I feel so worthless because of him and want nothing more than to be gone from this earth. It's as if he feels the need to always put me down at any chance he gets. His comments do hurt me a lot, and they have always affected me. I wish he would realise how much and stop being a cunt =/

12thMay2012

I woke up at an early 10 this morning, as dad was hovering the house and being loud, even though he was aware that I was sleeping. I straight after went in the shower, as I planned to go my laptop afterwards and see the happenings of the night, which evidently wasn't much of interest. Mum and me finally made our way to town  and got there at 2 in the afternoon, I met up with Sean straight away and we made our way to Noodle Nation while mum went to go get me a birthday card and a little bit of other shopping. My NN was very delicious per usual, and I enjoyed it greatly as I always do. We walked around town for a little while, and then went back home. Both Sean and I had invited each other around our house later in the day, as there would be large amounts of people around both of ours. It was his younger sisters birthday on the Thursday, so she was having a party, which seemed more like a get together to me, however it was a little early in the day that I went around  for a short visit. Whilst at my house my family [mum's side] came over, to celebrate me turning 18; we ordered pizza, drank and chilled together. I do love spending time with my family, but not too much of it and not so much when I'm in a tired mood. Sean did come over, however we didn't spend a lot of time together so there's not a lot to say about that. Shanice my cousin who is the same age as me and me had a good catch up tonight, talking about things with Chris and his silly sket of a friend, Corrina who he has been treating me differently and badly because of. I did very much enjoy my night, and was ending it talking to Alex per usual! Who I will get to see tomorrow as I'll be getting my hamsters then :D

11thMay2012

I had to set my alarm for 12 this afternoon, as I had a driving lesson at 1 - 2. On my driving lesson I first practiced reverse parking behind another parked car, it was much easier than I thought it would be, but not the easiest thing as I panicked a little when there were cars coming down the road when I was in there way. After I got back from being with Alex last night, we went on Skype together which was actually his suggestion! We were on it the night before too, but that was from my request. Sadly I fell asleep while on mic and cam to him, however it wasn't too embarrassing and it was okay as I got to say goodnight to him just before his internet died, he has a very adorable face. It was around 1 that I fell asleep, then woke from a text from him that was at 1.40 in the morning, I got ready for bed then set myself to bed comfortably. After my driving lesson I got ready for going to Matalan with mum, she was VERY generous and bought me £100 worth of clothes! To be fair though, they were well needed clothes as mine are wearing very thin and most which I wear have holes in them. We were there for around two hours, 3 - 5 in the afternoon and then made our way home. My nan, mum's mum came over for a while and the three of us sat in the kitchen talking, it was nice spending time with her however I was very tired. I was invited to go out for dinner at the Harvester with my friend Nick along with two other people, but sadly I'm too poor to go out and spend lots of money, hopefully tomorrow I will go out and spend it on Noodle Nation instead. At 9.40 Sean, my friend from down the road asked if I was up to much, and then invited me out which I took him up on and we spent 4 hours doing not very much, just sitting on some stairs at the flats, walking around and seeing our friend Olivia who at the moment has very bright pink hair. Since I got back at 00.15, I have just been sat on the laptop, listening to music and talking to Alex, who's internet is being very rubbish at the moment. I have had a good day, but am quite tired at the moment, I don't think either of us will be up for too much longer :o

10thMay2012

This is being wrote a little later, as last night I fell asleep far too early. I went to college, and had a nice day with Rachel. We had a few free hours, which we spent in the library not doing coursework, and going to the cafe to talk and give each other updates with our lives. I had heard some news the night before, but still am indecisive to whether it is bad or good news, it's about my distant family and their past. When I first heard about the subject around three years ago it hit me hard, and I was very upset over it for a while, but thankfully I had already heard the worst. This was stressing me out the night before, and I was feeling really angry about it in first period, sadly I didn't have any cigarettes on me and instead was craving them all the way until I got home as this was stressing me out. As we were walking around college Iain [the guy from college I like] walked past, as he did he smiled at me and waved too before I gave him recognition, I smiled back and said hi, I feel this is something worth mentioning! That actually brightened up my day a lot, I was very smiley afterwards and still am feeling happy over it, call me sad if you would like but his face is absolutely gorgeous. The weather all day wasn't good, but at least it wasn't raining.. Until I had two hours of practical outside then it decided to start pouring it down, I wasn't very impressed. After that I got a lift home with my friend Rhys, rather than my aunty as he was already there and I would get home quicker and possibly enjoy spending time with him more. I feel bad however, as I text her 5 minutes late to tell her I was already home, and I got a reply that she had been waiting for me for the past 20 minutes, I felt really bad, however am confused to why she was there that early. I had arranged with Alex to meet up with me, so that he could get me a packet of cigarettes as I was all out. I started to walk to his with Webster at a little after 7, all the way from my house to his I was carrying a snail that I found and let it slime all over my college waterproof jacket, I named it snowy and let it go on a tree by his house. Alex said he didn't want to stay out too long, but changed his mind after a while, and I ended up staying with him from about 8 until 10 at night. We talked about the thing that was bothering me, about my family problems as he's aware of it, and he's really good at calming me down and making me feel better about things. As we could tell we were going to be together for a while longer we sat under a tree at the side of a field by his house and let Webster off the lead to run around. We had been in that field several times before, and have embarrassingly even had sex in that field one night when I was very drunk, horny and he was just about to go on holiday for a week and leave me. We cuddled up together and sat on my waterproof, I lead myself down his body and gave him head, which he willingly let me do. We then made it back to his house to say goodbye, and I had a happy walk back. It shocks me that we once weren't okay with kissing each other, or at least I wasn't and would get extremely upset and distressed by it, mostly ending up crying into his chest as it was all too much for me. I'm happy that we're both over that stage, however I do wish things would be a little different between us :(

9thMay2012

I am far too angry right now to talk about what's bothering me. It's nothing really new, just the subject has been brought up once again. I've asked to phone Alex tonight, hopefully I'll talk to him about it later, as he's aware of it too because I was with him when I first found out about it, and talking about things with him helps me a lot. Alex is there when I need him, I appreciate it a lot <3

8thMay2012

My dad is always such an ass hole, which is intensified in the mornings and when he's been drinking. Sadly for me he had gone to sleep late last night as he had been drinking and then had to wake up early this morning for work, so he thought it would be a brilliant idea to start an argument with me and make me feel like absolute crap. I was left feeling so upset, angry and worthless this morning, I sat in my bed crying and thinking for about an hour, then fell asleep as I wouldn't be okay for going to college.
I am far too emotional, this has always been a problem in my life but I've seemed to had my peak. I seem to have been able to get over being emotional when I'm drunk, as I use to always cry at the end of the night and then fall asleep. I can always find the littlest of things to cry over, or think deeply about and get upset over it.
This morning got me thinking of the times he's hurt me the worst, the times which have stuck in my mind. The one thing he's done which I think was the worst, and possibly got me the most upset is when we were having an argument, I said "kill yourself" as I always do, to which he replied "why don't you try again like a fucking retard", this was only a little while after I had actually tried to kill myself, which he was fully aware of. I seriously think I hate my dad, and I very much enjoy any pain which is caused to him.
I was once again supposed to do course work today, however far too much procrastination was involved in my day, so I will be planning to do it tomorrow on my day off. Instead of doing coursework I was on the laptop for most of the day, I've played a lot of tetris tonight, with Alex which was very fun and as he's a newbie to the game, it's very adorable for me to watch.
I am in so much hope that Alex and me will become something more once again, I wish for it at every chance I get <3

7thMay2012

Today I have been procrastinating, and this was ALL day, thus leaving me with no work complete meaning I will have to be rushing it all tomorrow at college. I have attempted to play Cluedo, Mouse Trap, and The Game Of Life with parents, however dad had a strop in the first two games and we got bored of the last two games, ending up with us not even finishing one! I have found a new love for tetrisfriends.com, I always play tetris on Facebook, but this is the actual website for it which I didn't knew existed until today, I'm sure I will be very addicted to it. Now it's time for sleep, as it's 01.01 of the Tuesday and I have to wake up at around 6 tomorrow so I can get ready for college, goodnight ^.^

6thMay2012

I've had a goodish day, it's had it's ups and downs but most definitely has ended on a up! I thought I was going to be going to the garden centre today, which is where Alex works and my friend Zoe too, so I would get to see them both, look at the hamsters and fish then spend a good hour with Alex, but mum told me after I had got ready to go that we wouldn't be going, this upset and angered me greatly. Instead I walked to Alex's at 7, after him inviting me to come round though and then I stayed there until half past 10. I had a very enjoyable time, however there were a few mix ups and let downs over what we were doing at the end of the night, I would have loved to stay over his, but he kept changing his mind so much, and the same goes with him staying at mine. I think I may talk to Alex about telling my parents that we're dating again, so that he gets to stay over or be really close to me while at mine, which I'm sure we would both love. It was a very good leaving as we were both a little upset at how it ended, neither of us being decisive on what to do for the night, whether to both stay at his, both stay at mine, let me walk all the way by myself, let me walk half way or phone my mum to pick me up. I would have been really happy with either of the first options, but ended up with the third. The walk was around 40 minutes long, but wasn't too bad as after 5 - 10 minutes he phoned me to make sure I was okay, and stayed on the phone to me until I was home and completely safe. I know Alex cares really, and I appreciate how close we still are after so long <3

5thMay2012

Today would have been another anniversary of Alex's and mine, 2 years and 8 months actually. It's amazing to think that he's been in my life for somewhere around 3 years now, he's definitely been the one to make me happy again and enjoy the years. I've made a silly mistake again, by sending him drunken texts last night, we haven't talked since even though he may have said that he'll talk to me in the morning. I quite enjoyed last night at Weeden's, however I think I enjoyed the first two better, simply because they weren't so busy and it meant I was spending more time with people individually. I had Lean take me home last night, when she was leaving at 11 as I thought it was for the best, Peacock stayed over mine too as it would be easier for us all. I would have much rather Alex talking to me today than not, especially as I want to visit him tomorrow at work as it's only him working with one other person called Adam, who I use to talk to in secondary school and know reasonably well. I want to go to the pet shop in the garden centre he works in to look at the hamsters, so it would be very nice to see him too and possibly spend a decent amount of time with him. Things with us were quite loved up lately, but it kinda feels that whatever I said last night has scared him off a little and he's been avoiding Facebook. Well I guess I better stay hopeful that he texts and now go to sleep, not too sure what to do, so whenever in doubt I decide to sleep <3

4thMay2012

I can't see myself being capable of writing a blog later, and may even be staying at someone's house. I'm at a party tonight, Weedens with Lean and Peacock. Hopefully it should be a very good night, even though I'm already running very late, gotta dash =|

3rdMay2012

Wasn't particularly feeling too happy for today, as I knew without Rachel it would be pretty boring and there's quite a bit of work that needs to be done. My day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though, my college day was mainly spent with Bethan, and today she was far more manageable, rather than when she's moany and in a bad mood. I had management, tutorial and work experience today, no lessons which are too much of importance, and the most interesting was probably outside for nearly two minutes in the chicken enclosure. I went over to Nicks around 8.30 in the evening to get my laptop fan fixed, as the tech guys from PC world stupidly forgot to put it back in, because they're stupid. That took nearly two hours and now I'm just at home falling asleep and talking to Alex on Facebook chat. Goodnight <3

2ndMay2012

I really do think something is wrong with me, I always have a lack effort and am too tired for anything, it's really getting ridiculous. Today however I've started to write this blog at 21.25, so most hopefully I won't fall asleep while half way writing it, or something else won't steal my attention completely.
So lets start with my Friday night, as I've already talked about the day time until Alex was pretty much arriving. As my parents were going away for the weekend I saw this as my opportunity to do what the fuck I like, thus inviting Alex to stay over on Friday night and planning a party for the Saturday night. Alex arrived at my house a little after 7, as far as I remember, we were both loving right from the start of the night. I honestly quite wanted something to happen with Alex, not to sound desperate or anything even though I'm sure there's no other way to go around it. I hadn't had sex since the first day of the year, and that wasn't with Alex, and I just like to feel closeness with Alex, rather than sex sex sex please. I had drank about one and a half cupfuls of Sourz before and just as he arrived, as I was in a slight mood for drinking and I felt this would help my chances of getting some, along with me to not get upset over anything minor and instead be happy. This did in fact work, there was no crying from me, and instead just pure happiness, which would have been there anyway as I was with him, but possibly just intensified this or my excitableness at least. Per usual when he first got here Webster is very happy to see him, and this can now last for a good 10 minutes of squealing and jumping up at him because of how much they now see each other and are around each other to how it use to be. Alex stayed with Webster for around 5 minutes though, locked him on the other side of the gate and then followed me upstairs. I had asked him to bring Stigg and Steffy, who are very happily next to me right now! I gave them a really big cuddle with them both and then laid them to bed. I feel like they're both of our babies, so we take it in turn to have them both, but more so him because technically they are both his. We were both in my room for quite a while, for most of the night actually just talking and joking around, giving loving gestures. He noticed the film Red Riding Hood by the side of my bed, which I was borrowing from Sean and asked if we could watch it together downstairs. So we then grabbed all our babies, duvets, pillows and relocated downstairs on the sofa. We stuck the film on and cuddled up closely together, spooning actually which is extremely comfortable and comforting! I was quite tired, so told him to tell me if he was going to fall asleep and he said okay. I hugged our babies tightly, with him holding my body close to his from behind and fell peacefully asleep. I woke up again at 2, after waking up at around 12 right at the start of the film, it was now at the end of the film going through the warnings and Alex was fast asleep. I woke him up, laughed at him a little and then we made our way upstairs to bed. Sadly for him, once I have woken up while I am around him, I am in a very weird mood which makes me want to just be awake with him, and giving him the inability to sleep. I am not being over the top at all when I say this was going on for a good 2 hours, with him trying to sleep. I managed to occupy my time with rubbing his back, attempting to get my hand down his boxers, blowing on his tummy, kissing him and many other things which are easily irritable when someone's trying to sleep. I looked at my phone to see what time it was, and say that it was a few minutes until 3.33, so I got it and then showed him to share the happiness. It took him quite a while to realise that he won't get to sleep until he's given me a little bit of attention, so he asked if this is what I wanted and made my way down my pants, it was highly arousing I must add. We both did a little something for each other and then made our way to properly sleep. I woke up at 9 that morning, as I never tend to sleep for very long when he's sleeping over, I had a very comfortable sleep though with his arms wrapped around me. I can very confidently say that I have missed having him over to sleep so much, and being able to show my love for him without any one else judging it. I laid in bed for about an hour on my laptop while he was still asleep with his head laid on my chest like a little baby, it was very sweet. When he woke up he was hard, per usual so I took this as an opportunity to do a little something, we both used our hands on each other, and I went down on him. We had dry sex too, which isn't all that bad, it's more to get us both in the mood for something else. He moved himself away from me several times, to stop temptation. As he laid on his back, with me on my hands and knees on top of his body with his fingers inside and me with my hand grasped around I was really in the mood, I said 'Alex' in a way where he understood that I was going to ask something, he replied to me with a 'yeah', I kissed him on the shoulder and continued to do so every time he asked like that until he asked me properly what I wanted, I lied and said that I just wanted to kiss him on his shoulder, but he already knew that wasn't what I was going to do or ask. He knew exactly what I was going to ask, and even said that he was sure of what I was going to ask anyway, but said nothing more and continued what we were doing. A little while later I said 'I want sex with you Alex', and shortly afterwards he got a little more into it too and went inside. The sex was good and he used a condom for the second half, so that he could relieve himself. He did want to keep on going until I orgasmed, however I knew that wasn't very likely so told him to just go for it instead, as he did so when we were going from behind. It wasn't awkward afterwards at all, happy and loving instead. It feels to me that things now will be much better between the two of us, and he won't be worrying about new years with the Chris thing. I tried to keep him for as long as I could, but he got picked up at 12.20 by his dad. I made him a 'nomelette' for him before he left though, which is a omelette in bread which I always use to make for him every morning when he use to stay over weekly. I thoroughly enjoyed my night spent with Alex, and I hope it can happen extremely soon again!

It's now Saturday morning, as Alex has left and I've been feeling very knackered from my lack of sleep and excitement. I walked around the house for quite a while, missing Alex ridiculous amounts and feeling very out of it. I attempted to get back to sleep a few times, but it wasn't happening so I showered up, got ready to go out of the house and at 4 went with a friend that could drive to Tesco, to get alcohol and a packet of cigarettes. He drove me home and we kept his alcohol there too, another friend came over earlier to leave his drink there and then come back later too. I got into the shower again as I had stuck my hair up to go out, and then redone my face too, but the second time with a lot more, instead of simple eyes with mascara. My friend Sean [from down the road] comes over at 7.20, already making me aware that he'll be over earlier and we chill for a while, with me still getting ready for the next 40 minutes. Usually my friends are always late to everything, so I wasn't expecting anyone to be on time. First of all Adam turned up with Joe, for me to later find out that Chris had driven there, but not even bothered to say hello to me, I feel this is really fucking rude and I don't know if I can even be bothered with him any more! Next it was Nick and Ben, who walked from somewhere 10 minutes away. Then Sam, who text me that his parents were making him a little late, and then phoned me while outside asking if he's got the right house, indeed it was and I opened the door for him, still unaware of who it was until he was right at the front door as I didn't have his number. Just over an hour late Lean arrived, with a bag which had clothes to stay over in, and then telling me Adam would be staying the night too. After nearly two hours of the party starting, Rachel and Elisa arrived, the last to get there. We all dance, drank and talked with each other. I feel that everyone enjoyed themselves, or very much hope everyone did anyway! Sam and Joe were the only ones to leave that I was concious for, soon to be chucking up into a bowl and then put to sleep in my bed while everyone else was downstairs enjoying themselves. It was around 2 that I passed out, and I was planning to phone Alex just before as I sent him a text, I am very happy I wasn't capable of doing so though because he wouldn't have gotten a nice sound of me being sick or whatever bullshit was going to come out of my mouth. I woke up at around 9 the next day, and being very out of it in the morning I leaned forwards in my bed to kiss Alex who was laying next to me, good thing was I opened my eyes just before and then realised that in fact it wasn't Alex, and instead Lean. To be fair, I would have much rather kiss Lean that anyone else at that party, and she would have understood and laughed hysterically along with me. I woke up to hear people still talking all around the house, only one other person had left in the night, leaving four people who were supposed to have left still there. I wasn't too happy finding Rachel and Ben in my parents bed, I actually find it quite disgusting and can't believe either of them would even think of going into my parents room, my respect for the both of them have both gone down. These two didn't know each other for the night, but I guess Rachel is an easy drunk and Ben is an extremely flirty drunk, as he was flirting with all four of us girls and I guess taking his options, even though he has a girlfriend! There was a lot to clean up on the Sunday, but that was soon followed by Noodle Nation with Lean and Adam once everyone had left and I had showered up. It was tasty, however not as good as it has been as I was hungover. I cleaned a little more when I got back, and texted Alex that I would love cuddles with him right now. He text back 'really?' and then soon made himself over as he could actually come to see me because he had finished work an hour early. It was an amazing surprise, and I loved so much that he would make the effort to come see me on such short notice, it was his idea and he has only seen me the day before! He had to leave at 6 though, so I walked him up to the garages and let him find himself home, texting me as he arrived home to make sure he was safe. That night was very lonely and long, I felt a little helpless but cuddled up to Webster and Jasper for the night. I have already updated you of Monday and afterwards, so you can read that somewhere else.

Today I woke up at 11.30, after falling asleep last night at 12 and then being woken by Alex sending me a text at 3, which made me very happy at that ridiculous time in the morning. I replied to him, got 3.33 with him, turned my phone on silent and went back to sleep with our babies. I was extremely tired when waking up today, and just wandered around the house for a while and on my laptop, then mum came home just after 12. I had lunch with mother and then soon made my way back to bed once she had left again. I went to sleep at 3.15, and woke two hours later from my dad coming home from work. Per usual  have spent my day doing unproductive things, which revolve around my bed and the internet. It's 12 now, and I'm feeling very sleepy, so sleep soon I'm sure.

I really need to start changing the way I write my blogs, to make them more appropriate and more appealing for everyone, not like I have any visitors anyway but just encase, and for my little self respect that I have left =/

1stMay2012

Why am I such a tired and lazy person?! Once again I won't be writing about my weekend and won't be writing too much because I have left this too late to write about. Right now I have fast hiccups, they're doing my head in. I've figured out that my laptop will need to be sent off again, as the people who fixed it were slightly careless and managed to make it so my fan does not work, causing my laptop to overhead and turn itself off.  This does actually make me quite pissed off, but it's one of those things which I want fixed sooner rather than later. I did actually go into college today, after being chased up by my mother this morning. Rachel text me this morning telling me she wouldn't be in college as she's ill, I feel like this is a little bit of karma for leaving her in college by herself yesterday. I didn't particularly do much in college today, and got pathetic amounts of work done because it really is too difficult, and I'm struggling to understand. I did learn about using animals in wars though, how they use to train animals to do certain things to their advantage. 1 - Dogs were trained to run over to tanks and lay underneath them, they would then be attached to explosives which would be set off by a button once they were in the correct place, this would kill all of those inside of the tank, and the dog too. The dog had a happy ending though, as in the actual war the dogs were sent to go lay under the tank, which it did, but the side of the war that it got trained with as it recognises those tanks, and wouldn't go underneath the others as this is not what it was trained to do. African Pouched Rats are one of the larger breeds which are easier trained, they will find mines in the ground and then be rewarded with a treat. Lastly dolphins and seals are used to pick up mines from the sea bed, put mines on the sea bed and put magnetised mines onto the enemy ships, will sink the boat and the animals are let free and made sure they're cleared out of the way before it is set off. Since I've been home, I have just been extremely tired and in bed, now goodnighty. P.S. Hiccups have been going for a good 30 minutes now, still not stopped :(

30thApril2012

Well this blog was left far to late to write anything decent about my past few days, I apologise. Right now I'm in a very shit mood, as things with Chris and me aren't good at all. I'm really mad so have asked to have a phone call with Alex again tonight, hopefully that'll make me less on edge and more happy and loved up, which he seems to be able to do very easily! I was supposed to go to college today, however I had Jasper and Webster [cat and dog] in my bed last night and they woke me at 4 this morning, so I texted Rachel saying that I wouldn't be in. I went back to sleep and slept until 11, with Jasper rubbing her head against my face to wake me up, she was hungry. I fed them both and then got on my laptop downstairs. I worked on and finished some course work today, and my CV too, so hopefully I will be out handing them to places soon. It was nice seeing my mum again, I do love her very much so and I got a nice glass globe thing with Paris things in it, hopefully there'll be a picture of it up here soon. I'm going up to have my bed time routine now and then ring Alex, goodnight <3

29thApril2012

I'm cheating a little here, by posting two blogs one after the other, and what makes it worse is that I haven't and won't be giving detail in either. My Monday blog will have to be something special, with extreme amounts of detail and photos. I may give time tomorrow to go through some other blogs too and add photos to them, which I couldn't do before as I was using my nans laptop.
I am actually reasonably scared of the dark, but thankfully not too much and it depends on the situation. Right now I'm not appreciating it at all, as I'm at home by myself with the animals. And now nighty time for me, as the heating's on very high, I'm right next to the radiator and it's making me very warm and sleepy =|

28thApril2012

Hopefully tonight will be mental, but of course not too much with lots of things getting broke and people being crazy. Unfortunately I've got to be getting ready for a party at mine tonight, but I will talk about my lovely night spent will Alex soon :)

27thApril2012

I'm blogging this at 6.30 in the afternoon as Alex will get here and I don't particularly want him finding out about this blog, I can't imagine that would go well! Today I've been left all alone, I had a driving lesson at 1 - 2, which went very well and I learnt emergency stopping. Before that though I woke at 11, cleaned Rou's cage and half cleaned the fish tank, then finished it when I got back. And after that I've just been cleaning my room and getting ready for Alex coming over and staying the night, hopefully we'll both have a really good night :)

26thApril2012

My fourth and last day of college for the week, it was quite a bit of effort, but I have enjoyed being there for four days in a row slightly, I feel like my time has been spent more valuably and I have had a lot of progress on my work and work effort levels. I actually managed to wake up all by myself this morning, without my mum having to chase me up to get out of bed, which she has had to do for the past three days. My cousin drove me to college today, which wasn't bad at all, however it is a little silent at times, but not a awkward silence where I felt like I shouldn't say anything. My first hour at college was management, which is a separate course to animal management, however is included in it in a way. My next four hours were spent doing coursework, which seems quite strange as it doesn't seem like four hours now thinking back to it, I got another piece of coursework done while there today, and most of another however that will have to be finished on Monday and handed in then. My last two hours of lessons were work experience practicals, where for the first hour I was feeding amphibians, and the second I was carrying large food bags, I did a fair amount of work in that lesson! All my day have been very productive, I'm proud of myself! My cousin took me home too and since I've been here, I have just been sitting in my room, on MY laptop as it's back from the shop now! Was very excited and it even has everything still on here, so the memory hasn't been wiped.
Last night before I went to sleep, Alex and me had a phone call, but sadly I was still extremely upset about what happened the night before and I was very knackered, so was very silent. I will be having another call in a few minutes, it's now 1am now [next day], so will be writing this first before I have probably a long conversation with him. Hopefully this will go well <3