I fell asleep last night, leaving my laptop to play music until 5am and then finally get turned off at 1pm after I had been on it for two hours right after I had woken up. I gave my head a little rest while waiting for Alex to reply, which didn't happen in the night until he had woken up and been at school for a while to get a reply at 8am. I'm not too bothered really, am just a little paranoid as I left my lighter very visible on the side for the night, I'm worried that my mum may have came in my room in the morning and seen it on the side. She would have came in for her laptop mouse, which she does most mornings however this morning did not, hopefully she did not see it but instead she may have done and decided to leave her mouse in my room and pretended she didn't see it or my laptop left on for the night. I woke at 11am, and then finally went in the shower at 1pm, as I was waiting for a suitable time to have a cigarette right before my shower. After my shower I got ready for going into town with my mum. We finally got into town around 4pm, about an hour was spent in New Look as mum was looking for a dress to wear to a party she will be going to tomorrow night, then to Holland & Barretts which I have only just noticed has a very large amount of vegetarian and vegan foods. After that I went to Noodle Nation to buy my 173, just plain noodles, udon type for take away and then to eat at my nans which we went to straight after. While at my nans I sat on the floor and looked through the photo albums, which I tend to always do. We then went home and later on got a visit from Luke, someone who I have grown up with since the age of 7, he is a very good friend of the family and only lives down the end of the road. He turned up asking if dad was in, and he was completely out of his face from alcohol. It was an amusing 30 minutes as he continuously fell on the floor and was making terrible drunken conversations with slurry words. We finally managed to get him out the house and made him make his way back home. I took some photos and videos and soon after got a knock at the door from a friend called Sean. Sean was inviting me out to go to the green to see some friends, his brother was there too which I have never met before as he had been kicked out the house a good few years ago, quite possibly for mistreating an animal. It was very uneventful at the green, and we left around an hour later because of this. On our way home we stopped at Luke's house, as I'm friends of the family. My little friend Laura, Luke's sister was passed out in her bed because she had drank too much, I will most definitely need to have words with her about her drinking. After that I went home and since then I have been up in my room, listening to music and chilling on my laptop online. It hasn't been a bad at all, just wish it was a little warmer and I had a little more social interaction while online, especially from the guy who I like as he still hasn't replied to my inbox. He has been out tonight I think though, as there was pictures of him out which were put on Facebook late tonight.
One song which never fails to get me thinking and a little upset is Missing You - 1st Lady. I can't imagine myself ever getting over Alex, and if he died any time soon, I would most definitely try to kill myself. Right now, my life wouldn't too good without Alex and I don't feel like I would be able to survive without him. I love Alex <3
31stMarch2012
I woke up 10 today, as I had set my alarm because I needed to get ready for town. I had my eyebrows done at 12.30 and then made my way into town to see Adam and Chris at 1, in town we made our way from food place to food place. I very much enjoyed spending time in town with the two of them, however after a while Chris started to get moody and miserable, so he decided to go home. Afterwards Adam and I made our way to Noodle Nation so I could get a take away and then the Rye to see his cousin who was watching football. We couldn't find his cousin, so instead walked to Adam's house and spent around an hour in his room talking about anything which popped into our heads. As he was going to his cousins, I had to go home which took a nice 30 minutes to walk. Since I've been at home, I have just been online per usual, and an early* night for me as I have an early morning, goodnight :)
29thMarch2012
I have spent most of today feeling far too ill, and with no real reason why that I know of, I feel like I may just getting an illness or something. My stomach was feeling that bad that I didn't go to my two hour practical at college and instead sat in the upstairs library on a computer for a solid 5 hours without leaving once. It started of nicely however, the guy I like was up there and made decent conversation with me first, must admit that it made me quite happy. I'm off for the Easter holidays now though, which means two weeks without seeing him if we don't meet up, which I am very sure won't happen as we've only be talking for the past week and that hasn't even been that much. I would quite love it if he did ask to meet up with me though, I like him way too much already. Other than college and getting course work done I haven't done much. On Thursdays my aunty takes me to college as my cousin goes there too, however he has passed his test in the past week so will now be taking me instead. I thought it would have been quite awkward, however it wasn't too much and was nice knowing he doesn't hate me that much to not let me in his car. I have had lambing checks tonight, which started at 10pm and ended at 11pm, it was Rachel and I doing it along with a few other people who we know. I spent a decent amount of time earlier with one lamb, it is orphaned for some reason so must be hand fed. All the other lambs in that pen are now being bucket fed, however this one doesn't get up and wouldn't drink from a bottle so instead it had to be tube fed. The thought of putting a tube down its throat is disgusting, however as I was holding the lamb, I felt it having no pain, just it being a little uncomfortable. The lamb was even nice enough to give me a parting gift, as you can see in the picture. Overall, my day has been okay, have been feeding too ill for most of it however I got to see him and speak to him on the last day of college for two weeks, this satisfied me :)
28thMarch2012
Today I saw Alex, and for the first time in a very long time, everything was perfectly fine and I didn't go into one of my moods where I go really quiet and be upset. I walked up to the bus stop to get him, and we had a nice walk back in the sun to my house and stayed in my room for a good few hours. At first we were hanging around the windowsill area, and then my bed which is our usual routine. It took a good while for us to get intimate, as he was a little un-easy however it happened of course, and I enjoyed every second of it. No matter how much I like someone else, I think there will always be room in my heart for Alex, I don't understand how I would eventually forget about him completely! As today went so well, I think I have a much better chance of us becoming closer again and possibly him asking to see me in the next month, along with the reason of me talking to him about how he never asks to meet up with me. Alex and me are REALLY good friends, and so similar, we're pretty much perfect for each other. Sadly however, nothing will ever happen between to get us into a relationship I'm very certain, it makes me extremely sad, but I can very much see that if we did get back together, it would most likely not work out and quite possibly damage my friendship. I do wish that he was my boyfriend, but that's not the right thing for him right now and we would both be too insecure in the relationship. The fact that someone kissed me on Friday was brought up, he didn't seem to mind too much but simply to the fact that he has heard a lot worse stories about me from the past few months, and we could even make jokes about it. Today Alex kissed several times, and I went down on him. I thoroughly love having my mouth around his penis, but in a loving way more than a sluttish way. I love his cock, and making him feel pleasure for it. I'm really not a girl who's in love with penis, it's just simply to the fact that it's him. I see girls sucking guys off as something very disgusting, unless they're in love with them and there's a special connection between the two of them, it's an intimate activity which should be done with someone you should trust. Alex is quite possibly the person who I trust the most, and I really appreciate how much of a good friend he is to me. I love Alex <3
27thMarch2012
Okay so starting on Friday night.. Lean got to mine around 7.30pm, which is when she said she would be, however of course she was not ready. I drank a bottle of Caribbean Twist whilst waiting for her to get her face caked up which took 30 minutes, resulting us leaving at 8pm. We had to go to Tesco first of all so that we could both get money out and she could buy me some cigarettes, which all went well apart from she forgot to get money out. In town we parked in Morrison's car park which was around a ten minute walk from where we were supposed to be, because Lean was in high heels. We got in right away and I felt comfortable with the amount I had already intoxicated myself with. We went straight to the bar really, which took a solid 10 - 15 minutes to get served. At first I panicked a little as I thought they would ask for I.D, but soon after I had no problem with that as everyone there was supposed to be over 16, thus them worrying about the age a little less. Throughout the night I bought 3 bulmers original and 2 vodkas and coke, however I would say a solid bottle of bulmers was drank by other people. While in the queue, I noticed the guy from college who I like, however wasn't drunk enough to say anything to him and then he disappeared off into the crowd so I couldn't appreciate his face while waiting. Sometime while drinking the first bottle, Lean and I went upstairs where it was a lot less crowded and sat on some sofas, then Seb sat at some just across from us with a friend. I stared Seb down for about 10 seconds before he noticed me and then we both got up to franticly hug each other as we hadn't seen each other for a year and 10 months, at a party for my 16th which was just after we left school for good. Lean, Seb and I then went to get more drinks, which again took very long and we stared to get talking with a boy called Logan who was in front of us waiting to be served. We politely asked if he'd get up the drinks, with us giving him the money of course and then he followed us to some downstairs sofas where we all talked and drank for a good while. We often walked around rather than sitting there, but kept ending back there. Lean's friend Kristi was there that night too, and for some reason she was calling Lean out, who also took Seb and told me she'd be back in a little bit, slightly hinting to me that I should stay there with Logan, so I did. We headed to the dance floor and moshed a little, however my arms are crazy and out of control when I'm sober, let alone drunken dancing which meant I kept hitting his nose a good ten times as he was too close behind! We were dancing quite closely and one thing lead to another, he came onto me and I didn't push away. I didn't want it to happen, however I'm not really bothered as he seemed like a quite nice guy rather than someone I'm going to hurt. I think we probably kissed around three times, and it was always me breaking away from him as really, I am not into him and he's not my type at all. There's no way that would have happened of I was sober and I feel a little sick at myself for letting anything happen, however not any damage has happened from this [Alex doesn't know quite yet]. He asked for my number so I gave it to him and I received a text the next morning, and since then we've talked every day. The texts just involve casual conversations about how our days have been and stuff like that. He's also asked if we could meet up again, I said I wouldn't mind however he should be aware that nothing will happen between the two of us, which he accepted. He could tell that I wasn't too interested I'm sure, however I did enjoy the company as I would have freaked out if I couldn't be latched onto someone! I stayed at wama for nearly up to an hour later than when it finished at 1am, as Adam wasn't going and I was loitering around wondering what to myself to get home. I decided with the walking home option, which took me a good hour and half. The walk was quite cold as I only had a dress, tights and a cardigan on, but I'm sure it could have been much worse. At the end of the night I also had a cigarettes stolen from me, which was a packet of 20 I had only just bought that night! It's safe to say I was pretty pissed off. I can tell it was stolen, or am quite certain of it as the packet of cigarettes had been taken along with a lighter, but not my purse or my phone, which also makes me want to think it was someone I know; either Seb or Logan. My guess is more towards Logan as Seb kept asking for another, when neither of us could get to the bag and he wouldn't have gotten to my bag after I had got it taken away.
My problem is that I would like to talk about Alex before it rather than him hear it from someone else, last night I wasn't too sure weather to tell him on the phone or wait until I see him. I feel there may be a good chance he'll hear from someone else if I don't tell him soon! I text him earlier asking if I could see him tomorrow, and his reply was that he's pretty certain he can and will check with his mother in the morning. I'm quite sure that I will be seeing him tomorrow, and I will most likely tell him about the Friday situation. I think Alex should be okay with this, as he has done the same at a club and he's heard a lot worse things about me with Chris from just before christmas. I hope Alex isn't too bothered by this!
When I got back on Friday night, I got online and added the boy from college who I like, even though he had never heard of me. I was still slightly intoxicated when I added him, and had been thinking about adding him and what my excuse could be while on my journey home. When I woke the next day in the afternoon, he had accepted my friend request and I private messaged him, in hope that out conversation would be a little longer and just seem nice between the two of us. We've talked quite a bit since Saturday, and hopefully we'll talk a lot more. He comes across as a very nice person and friendly, however he uses words shortened down rather than correct grammar which is a little difficult at times. What's even better than this is that we spoke today at college! One of his friends who he was with at the time walked over to a friend of mine to talk to him while I was with him, he either didn't recognise me, didn't look who it was or was too shy to say something as he didn't say hello until I said hi first. He has a deeper voice than I imagined, but it's still nice. I was quite nervous as I saw him walking towards me and when talking to him for even just a little I started shaking slightly. I am really so happy with myself that I have managed to talk to him, because usually I would have just not bothered to do anything with someone I have a crush on, and be really negative thinking they will never like me. I don't think he will ever like me, or anything will ever happen but it's nice to manage to get this far!
This is another thing which I was thinking of talking to Alex about, however because I don't think anything will happen with this guy and we've only just started talking I don't think it's worth bringing up in conversation. We'll see what happens I guess.
And now for today, I've just been to college and of course got to talk to the guy I like. A good 1 - 2 hours was spent outside, enjoying the sun which puts me in a much better mood for living. I have very much enjoyed my day, and am in hope that things will get much better for me soon <3
My problem is that I would like to talk about Alex before it rather than him hear it from someone else, last night I wasn't too sure weather to tell him on the phone or wait until I see him. I feel there may be a good chance he'll hear from someone else if I don't tell him soon! I text him earlier asking if I could see him tomorrow, and his reply was that he's pretty certain he can and will check with his mother in the morning. I'm quite sure that I will be seeing him tomorrow, and I will most likely tell him about the Friday situation. I think Alex should be okay with this, as he has done the same at a club and he's heard a lot worse things about me with Chris from just before christmas. I hope Alex isn't too bothered by this!
When I got back on Friday night, I got online and added the boy from college who I like, even though he had never heard of me. I was still slightly intoxicated when I added him, and had been thinking about adding him and what my excuse could be while on my journey home. When I woke the next day in the afternoon, he had accepted my friend request and I private messaged him, in hope that out conversation would be a little longer and just seem nice between the two of us. We've talked quite a bit since Saturday, and hopefully we'll talk a lot more. He comes across as a very nice person and friendly, however he uses words shortened down rather than correct grammar which is a little difficult at times. What's even better than this is that we spoke today at college! One of his friends who he was with at the time walked over to a friend of mine to talk to him while I was with him, he either didn't recognise me, didn't look who it was or was too shy to say something as he didn't say hello until I said hi first. He has a deeper voice than I imagined, but it's still nice. I was quite nervous as I saw him walking towards me and when talking to him for even just a little I started shaking slightly. I am really so happy with myself that I have managed to talk to him, because usually I would have just not bothered to do anything with someone I have a crush on, and be really negative thinking they will never like me. I don't think he will ever like me, or anything will ever happen but it's nice to manage to get this far!
This is another thing which I was thinking of talking to Alex about, however because I don't think anything will happen with this guy and we've only just started talking I don't think it's worth bringing up in conversation. We'll see what happens I guess.
And now for today, I've just been to college and of course got to talk to the guy I like. A good 1 - 2 hours was spent outside, enjoying the sun which puts me in a much better mood for living. I have very much enjoyed my day, and am in hope that things will get much better for me soon <3
26thMarch2012
Once again, I have left it far too late to talk about Friday night, however right now I'm a little panicky about talking to Alex about it. Today I have been in college, nothing too interesting happened however it's been nice and sunny and sent my first afternoon on the back field with some friends. I walked home from the bus stop with mum and Webster and then haven't done much since being home. Per usual I have just spent my night online and listening to music. My throat is very dry, so off to get a drink I go *glug*
25thMarch2012
Today I have just been in bed being lazy, however I have been for a shower today. As I had added the guy I liked Friday night, I messaged him the next day after he had accepted and apologised and gave him my reasoning, of course lying a little so it sounds a hell of a lot less weird and less stalker-ish. We have both been online for quite a bit of the day so have talked for a good few hours, my opinion makes me believe that he's really nice and friendly, however doesn't know grammar correctly. However I must remember that he's a year younger, and a year before now, actually it's only been this year that I have started talking socially acceptable. Just before the new year all my words use to start with capitals, So All Of My Sentences Would Look A Little Like This; this is something which I have been doing since I can remember really, even from my primary school I use to do it a little. Either way I have enjoyed talking to Iain, and am proud of myself for being able to actually talk to him rather than have him not even know of my existence, however I have a feeling facebook conversations every now and then will be as far as it will go. I was planning on talking about Friday night now, however it is far too late for that as it's already 1.30am and I have college 'today', [Monday]. Goodnight!
24thMarch2012
So last night was an eventful one, and it's left me feeling very hungover today. I haven't done anything today really other than talk to the guy I like! And talk to my Alex, which I love doing, however am very use to this so don't get as excited as I do with the new guy I like. I'm VERY sure I was much more excited to talk to Alex when we first got talking over a couple of years ago!
I enjoy talk to Alex so much, when we're both okay for each other that is. My mood swings have been crazy lately, and Alex just seemed disinterested in talking to me randomly through a conversation we had, so I kinda had a go at him, it resulted in us having a really lovely talk and I feel now that he'll be happy with sending me a message to see how I am rather than not bother to talk to me at all.
I said to Alex earlier 'And really Alex, you know you're my favourite', however he's continuing to tell me that he doesn't believe it. I find it ridiculous how he can even think it's not the truth in the slightest, however I've got to remember I hardly tell him how I feel about him any more and don't get all loved up with him as I use to. Instead I talk to other people about him in a nice way, which helps me feel calmer about the way I feel towards him. Alex is my favourite <3
I enjoy talk to Alex so much, when we're both okay for each other that is. My mood swings have been crazy lately, and Alex just seemed disinterested in talking to me randomly through a conversation we had, so I kinda had a go at him, it resulted in us having a really lovely talk and I feel now that he'll be happy with sending me a message to see how I am rather than not bother to talk to me at all.
I said to Alex earlier 'And really Alex, you know you're my favourite', however he's continuing to tell me that he doesn't believe it. I find it ridiculous how he can even think it's not the truth in the slightest, however I've got to remember I hardly tell him how I feel about him any more and don't get all loved up with him as I use to. Instead I talk to other people about him in a nice way, which helps me feel calmer about the way I feel towards him. Alex is my favourite <3
23rdMarch2012
Tonight I will be going to see Modestep, which is a dubstep UK artist. The event is on from around 8.30 until 1am the next day, I am planning to be drinking which will also be another factor making me a little tired. I wanted to wake up late today, in hope that I didn't have to spent too much time awake before I've started to get ready for the event, however I woke up at 10am and will start to get ready at around 4-5pm so really this plan has completely failed. I may however have a cat nap lately, but may struggle if it's not dark outside. Being awake this early also leaves me with nothing to do, and time seeming to take longer. I will be cleaning the floor in my room up today along with dusting the whole house as mum left me to do it. She was quite rude about it though, reminding me that I've asked her for a lift tonight and pretty much implying that if I do not dust, she won't give me a lift there. However my friend Lean has now offered me a lift, as she lives close to me and will be going there tonight too, this also means we both have someone to go there with, and we can have a nice talk in the car there. I'm feeling to start drinking at around 6-7pm as I don't want to be completely sober before going in as hopefully this will help with my nerves, however 6 hours of drinking is probably too much for me, depending on what I drink. I want to drink so much that I can be comfortable in what I'm wearing and comfortable with the people around me, but not so drunk that I through up everywhere and cannot stand up properly, this is a very fine line for me and I can't seem to tell when I should stop. I have now had a shower, shaved, moisturised, dried my hair, cut my fringe and now am about to do my face, get dressed and drink some. Lean will be giving just me a lift as Adam will be going to football training. I have high hopes for tonight, wish me luck :)
22ndMarch2012
Most of today has been spent at college, doing nothing particular to do with learning and instead enjoying the little bit of sun we had. Apparently it's suppose to get up to 21 degrees tomorrow, so will be looking forward to that being true. In our two hour practical of work experience we de-constructed the pig enclosures as they had been sent off for slaughter the day before, it was nice being out in the sun however the slight wind ruined the heat. When I got home I went on my laptop for a while, and from being out in the sun earlier today I was left feeling a little sleepy, so had a cat nap with Jasper. I woke around 6.30 as mum woke me saying we had to leave right that very moment to go see my little cousin Caitlin who was 7 today. I enjoyed my time up there, as she was very excited and it meant I could have a nice catch up with my cousin Shanice who is my age, we're very close however don't get to see each other as much as I would like. After that I have came home and just been in my room chilling on the laptop.
Alex and me have talked a little on Facebook chat tonight, however he's just about to leave as his internet will die. He hasn't seemed too interested in talking to me, however I'm happy he made even a little bit of effort as we got through. It was me that messaged me first, as he wasn't messaged me first in a good week or two. Something is bothering him with talking to me, but it's not helping as he's not talking to me about it! Quite annoying stuff I must admit. I love my stupid Little Wittle Alexx Wallex <3
Alex and me have talked a little on Facebook chat tonight, however he's just about to leave as his internet will die. He hasn't seemed too interested in talking to me, however I'm happy he made even a little bit of effort as we got through. It was me that messaged me first, as he wasn't messaged me first in a good week or two. Something is bothering him with talking to me, but it's not helping as he's not talking to me about it! Quite annoying stuff I must admit. I love my stupid Little Wittle Alexx Wallex <3
21stMarch2012
For the past couple of days I have been feeling really panicky for Friday, which is when I will be at a VE event seeing Modestep. It's a gig so there will be lots of people there, around 800 people I would say can fit into the venue. I am really nervous because right now I have no one who I can go inside with and no one I know who will be right by my side for the whole entire time. There will probably be many people there I dislike, even more people there I don't know and very few that I know and will be comforted in the slightest from being around them. Now thinking about it, it was quite a silly idea for me to go to this as I will be feeling extremely uncomfortable, however I am planning to drink my way through the whole night. I just wish I was more stable with managing to keep in my limit of being happy and enjoying it with a care to being smashed out of my face. I'm sure Friday will be fine though, get drunk enough to forget about it :)
Today I went for a driving test, I practiced 'turn in the road' for the first time today, it was much easier than I thought it would be and seems very easy to pick up! I enjoyed my driving lesson and will be having my next on on Wednesday. My driving instructor and my dad actually know each other which I learned today, they both use to work night shifts at Tesco which was over 10 years ago! After I got home from my hour drive, I sat outside with my Uncle, dad and Webster. It was the sunniest it has been this year and I very much enjoyed it. The sun and the summer seems to make everyone happy, most people tend to get out of their houses more and just appreciate life better than before. It's pretty sad how just a little bit of sun can make things seem so much better, but I am one of those people. I had been left a note from mum to hoover some of the house, and in return she would help me clean my fish tank. My fish tank hadn't been cleaned in around a month as I was scared of killing the baby fish, however it got cleaned tonight and everything went really well. It looks unbelievably clean now and I very much enjoy looking at all the fish in the tank.
Overall today has put me in a much more cheerful mood than the past few days, however I wouldn't say I'm happy. Things with all three of my friends who I am most closest to are still not completely okay, there will have to be some big changes made. I'll leave this on a final happy note; I love the sun <3
Today I went for a driving test, I practiced 'turn in the road' for the first time today, it was much easier than I thought it would be and seems very easy to pick up! I enjoyed my driving lesson and will be having my next on on Wednesday. My driving instructor and my dad actually know each other which I learned today, they both use to work night shifts at Tesco which was over 10 years ago! After I got home from my hour drive, I sat outside with my Uncle, dad and Webster. It was the sunniest it has been this year and I very much enjoyed it. The sun and the summer seems to make everyone happy, most people tend to get out of their houses more and just appreciate life better than before. It's pretty sad how just a little bit of sun can make things seem so much better, but I am one of those people. I had been left a note from mum to hoover some of the house, and in return she would help me clean my fish tank. My fish tank hadn't been cleaned in around a month as I was scared of killing the baby fish, however it got cleaned tonight and everything went really well. It looks unbelievably clean now and I very much enjoy looking at all the fish in the tank.
Overall today has put me in a much more cheerful mood than the past few days, however I wouldn't say I'm happy. Things with all three of my friends who I am most closest to are still not completely okay, there will have to be some big changes made. I'll leave this on a final happy note; I love the sun <3
20thMarch2012
There was no involvement of Alex, Chris or Lean today, just some little thoughts of all of them. I quite like a guy called Iain, we've never spoken before, he doesn't know who I am and there's a good chance he's never noticed me before. I wish people were easier to talk to, more confident to talk to others and just more open with each other. I think of America as a happy and open place, a lot of people seem to get along and there's a lot less judging of other people just because of how they look. I'm sure however that America isn't like that at all, and they have just as much problems over there as we do here, the world sucks in its own little way.
I had a visit from an old friend earlier called Jordan, I don't think we've ever been that close, just we grew up around each other in the same flats and all the kids use to come out for the summer and hang around. I moved out of the flats at seven, he is two years younger than me which makes it a little weirder. First of all he didn't tell me he was coming to visit me, secondly I never told him my house number [only my road name] and I'm not too sure how he found out, we haven't talked face to face for a good five years and we have only talked on facebook a couple of times with very short conversations in the past week. It was a bit of a shock seeing him at my front door I must be honest, however it wasn't bad at all spending time with someone. Even if Jordan is a little too into himself, he's still a nice kid and I can see myself getting on with him easily. I think I may be seeing a lot more of him, as he comes across as someone who would keep coming to call for me to see if I'm coming out, he also lives 5 minutes away from me [and my old house]. It's nice to get into contact with your childhood friends, that makes two in less than 6 months! I should be seeing the other one, Nick on Friday as I'm going to see Modestep in Wycombe and we'll be going together with his girlfriend and another one of his friends who I've met before.
I feeling quite sleepy now, I'll be making my way to bed. Goodnight :)
I had a visit from an old friend earlier called Jordan, I don't think we've ever been that close, just we grew up around each other in the same flats and all the kids use to come out for the summer and hang around. I moved out of the flats at seven, he is two years younger than me which makes it a little weirder. First of all he didn't tell me he was coming to visit me, secondly I never told him my house number [only my road name] and I'm not too sure how he found out, we haven't talked face to face for a good five years and we have only talked on facebook a couple of times with very short conversations in the past week. It was a bit of a shock seeing him at my front door I must be honest, however it wasn't bad at all spending time with someone. Even if Jordan is a little too into himself, he's still a nice kid and I can see myself getting on with him easily. I think I may be seeing a lot more of him, as he comes across as someone who would keep coming to call for me to see if I'm coming out, he also lives 5 minutes away from me [and my old house]. It's nice to get into contact with your childhood friends, that makes two in less than 6 months! I should be seeing the other one, Nick on Friday as I'm going to see Modestep in Wycombe and we'll be going together with his girlfriend and another one of his friends who I've met before.
I feeling quite sleepy now, I'll be making my way to bed. Goodnight :)
19thMarch2012
I have such a lack of energy lately, but not as in I feel tired and craving for sleep, but more so that I can't be bothered with doing anything. Just every day things which I have been dedicated to for many years such as showering, many days have passed where I haven't even bothered to get out of bed, and they're getting more and more regular. My days seem to be getting longer, and I end up wishing them away every day. This weekend has been terrible as I have done nothing, I wished it away for today however my Monday hasn't been any better than my past two days. I am not happy, I am not good and I don't think I'm even okay. I want all this hurt and pain to go away, but I don't feel that'll be any time soon. Simply helpless </3
18thMarch2012
Today it is my dog Websters 8th birthday! He is a male border collie who is very excitable and loves people, apart from children. I woke at 2 today, from my dad coming into my room and telling me dinner would be ready in fifteen minutes, this of course though was way too early for me to eat. In the mornings before college I don't eat anything as I would feel ill for quite a while, and the same applies here. I ate dinner at 4 O'clock which was mash potato, broccoli and yorkshire puddings, it was tasty however I think roast dinner as a whole is very overrated. Since then I have only been online really, getting my rage out for everyone to see. I had a shower at around 5pm as mum went out for a dog walk and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to have a cigarette in the bathroom, however it probably smelt a little too much in there afterwards. For mothers day all I got my mum was a card, I feel quite bad about it now and very much hopefully will be making it up to her very soon! I do love my mum so much, and do respect her even if it doesn't seem it at times. Webster got a bit of banana bread for his birthday, along with a bath which you can see in the pictures. Overall it's not been the best of days, I've been in really shit moods lately for no reason whatsoever. I hope Alex and me get talking properly soon! I think that may be why I haven't been in the best of moods.
17thMarch2012
I spent my day doing course work for breeding and genetics, which was about mitosis and very other boring subjects. That pretty much took all day from around 2 - 8, so better than I expected as I thought I would still be doing it tomorrow. Other than that I had a lovely warm bubble bath, and that's really as good as my day gets. I have only realised tonight that it's mothers day, I feel really bad for not getting my mum anything other than a card so far, really need to make it up to her however I have no money, sad times :(
16thMarch2012
I weighed under 10 stone on the scales for the first time in three years today! Which satisfies me very much as I've VERY slowly taken off near a stone in a year. It's horrible how I feel fat now, and I don't even want to remember how I must have used to look. Today I woke up at just after 12, I had a driving lesson at 3 - 4 and then I showered up and got ready for working for Chris' business. I started work at 7 and ended at 11, It was nice being able to spend time with Lean, get money, listen to great music and enjoy myself. Overall I've had a good day, and am feeling very tired after my 13 hours of sleep and then 14 hours of being awake, goodnight (:
15thMarch2012
At college today in work experience, I spent times with the lambs and managed to get peed on three times, I'd say it was disgustingly worth it. The lambs are very cute, here's a picture of me with them. After college I haven't done anything other than have a cat nap for 5 hours which lasted until 1.15am the next day. It is now 3.10 and I'm not feeling that tired, but I'm sure it won't take me too long to get to sleep, hopefully anyway. I did very much enjoy my cat nap, I love sleep. I prefer sleeping with Alex though, all cuddled up closely makes me extremely happy. I miss sleeping with him, and the next time I get to will probably be the 27th or 28th of March as my parents are going away for the weekend. I will most definitely try to get him to stay over sooner though, probably. My serious addiction to The Wombats hasn't gotten any better, they are such lyrical geniuses. When I woke at 1.15, I found baby fishes in the tank, 4 / 6 more [two are conjoined so I don't see either of them lasting too long]. I will now try to get back to sleep, goodnight :)
14thMarch2012
As I've had no college today, I had a nice sleep in until 12.40 when my cat Jasper woke me. I had woken up at least a couple of times just before that, as I remember her being right in my face and snuggling into her soft coat. I did my usual morning routine of rolling around in bed trying to get to sleep, failing and then going into the bathroom to put contacts in, brush my teeth and clean my face. Afterwards I went on my laptop for a while, had my last cigarette out of the only packet I had and then back onto the laptop. My mum left me a note to hoover the front room; because I always have my dog rolling around on the floor getting hairs everywhere and to clean my bedroom. Hoovering is quite possibly my most hated cleaning related activity, I had to get down on my hands and knees to get the hairs out, she better have appreciated it! After that I went back on my laptop for far too long and cleaned my bedroom floor slightly. As I have had my hair wavy / curly for the past couple of days, I tied it up differently and pulled funny faces for pictures; it was amusing me very much! After around 20 minutes of taking silly pictures, I went and had a shower, which was embarrassingly my first one in two days.
After that I had around an hour and a half to get ready until I was supposed to be in town seeing the girls for Leigh's birthday. As I knew we were trying to go get drinks afterwards I suited myself up to look nice, and hopefully less child like as I usually do. I got there 5 minutes early and went to see Zoe and Steph who were already there, straight after Leigh got there and then around 10 minutes later her boyfriend Connagh turned up. We made out way around to Noodle Nation from McDonnalds and got seated. Per usual I ordered '173 just plain noodles, udon', had the most sauce / oil I've ever had on them and they we're very yummy. Afterwards we made our way round the corner to a pub called The Falcon, we sat down and for just £5 I got 2 cupfuls of a tasty cocktail. I didn't get drunk or tipsy at all, however did feel the drink go to my head for all of 3 minutes. We stayed in the pub until about 10pm then Connagh kindly dropped us all home, we went to a Shell garage first however to get petrol and he got a packet of cigarettes for me. First of all Steph got dropped home, then Zoe and then me. I asked to be dropped on the corner so I could have a cigarette, then I did and then went through the front door. I said hi to Webster and mum then made myself a bagel nomelette [omelette], which was very nice.
13thMarch2012
Today wasn't too productive at college, however some coursework did get looked at and researched a little into. I woke up today with just three cigarettes left, which does in a way scare me greatly. I've had my first one of the day near the bus stop, somewhere not to obvious to the main road. And I will have my second one just before I go to sleep, which will be very soon after I have finished writing this. After college nan came over, as she does every Tuesday to have dinner, which was stew & dumplings today. I'm now going to sleep, and hopefully will get a long lie in as I don't have college tomorrow. I love my sleep :)
12thMarch2012
Today was an okay day, I finally replied to Lean which I will talk about tomorrow in detail. I watched a shocking video today of animal abuse, I truly am disgusted at what some people will do to animals. I think I will always put animals on a higher shelf to people. Would it be acceptable to treat someone with a major disability any different to a 'normal' person ? I hate some people.
11thMarch2012
I woke up at 1pm today, from Webster outside barking and being noisy. I tried to fall back asleep, however I wasn't too bothered about not as I didn't and got out of bed ten minutes later. I was in the bathroom for a good fifteen minutes straight after trying to sort out my face; I'm getting a little spotty at the moment, way too many cravings for chocolate lately. Once I had freshened up I made my way downstairs to say good afternoon to Webster and then went and sat with Ollie who was in the front room watching telly, we talked a little but not about anything in particular. He's staying at his girlfriends tonight, as she lives closer to where he works or can give him a lift there, I'm not too sure which one. After about an hour he said he was leaving to go picked up, so we said good bye. I'm sure I'll see him soon though as he's left his jumper in the room he was staying in, and it seemed pretty purposeful. I stayed in the front room when he was gone, with the music channels on and going through coursework which I should have not left to the last day. I have been doing the coursework for most of the day, but had a stop as some of my family came over, I talked and sat with my little cousin Caitlin for most of it. The course work is a presentation which I will be giving tomorrow morning with my friend Rachel, it's about the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and things such as selective breeding and the problems they face because of it along with evolution and extinction.
I was in a mood for drinking this weekend, however yesterday I felt like I ate too much for it to give an affect on me and today I have had my head in my course work. Next weekend however I would quite like to go bowling in town with three other people, I asked Chris if he was free today, however he was not and I don't think he'll be free next weekend either. I am very much in hope that Adam is free, and hopefully will be seeing a lot more of him, so he'll be invited if I'm still wanting to go next week along with hopefully Lean and Alex.
Lean text me tonight saying "What's going on lately? You just really seem to dislike me :S x". I haven't text her back yet, and am thinking I will probably reply to her tomorrow while I am on the coach going into town. The truth is she has been a bad friend to me lately, not on purpose as I know what she's like, however the fact still remains. I haven't told her I have a problem with her as of yet, and have very much been putting the confrontation of as it would just make things awkward, but I guess this is her forcing me to get it out rather than me just locking it in per usual. I feel slightly bad with it coming out tomorrow though, as it is her birthday in just two days.
I stayed online talking to Alex until 6 in the morning, it didn't matter too much though as I haven't had anything planned for my day. I know I shouldn't stay awake just because it gives me a chance to talk to Alex, but still I cannot help it. I would deprive myself of nearly everything just to be able to talk to him, spend time with him and know he's okay. I have always had a trouble with leaving Alex, whenever we meet up I make a really big thing out of leaving each other. Every time we are on the phone together or talking online somewhere I will hardly ever be the first to say goodbye, I really do appreciate the time that I get to speak to him. My addiction is far too much, good chance I'll never get over my addiction of him.
I was in a mood for drinking this weekend, however yesterday I felt like I ate too much for it to give an affect on me and today I have had my head in my course work. Next weekend however I would quite like to go bowling in town with three other people, I asked Chris if he was free today, however he was not and I don't think he'll be free next weekend either. I am very much in hope that Adam is free, and hopefully will be seeing a lot more of him, so he'll be invited if I'm still wanting to go next week along with hopefully Lean and Alex.
Lean text me tonight saying "What's going on lately? You just really seem to dislike me :S x". I haven't text her back yet, and am thinking I will probably reply to her tomorrow while I am on the coach going into town. The truth is she has been a bad friend to me lately, not on purpose as I know what she's like, however the fact still remains. I haven't told her I have a problem with her as of yet, and have very much been putting the confrontation of as it would just make things awkward, but I guess this is her forcing me to get it out rather than me just locking it in per usual. I feel slightly bad with it coming out tomorrow though, as it is her birthday in just two days.
I stayed online talking to Alex until 6 in the morning, it didn't matter too much though as I haven't had anything planned for my day. I know I shouldn't stay awake just because it gives me a chance to talk to Alex, but still I cannot help it. I would deprive myself of nearly everything just to be able to talk to him, spend time with him and know he's okay. I have always had a trouble with leaving Alex, whenever we meet up I make a really big thing out of leaving each other. Every time we are on the phone together or talking online somewhere I will hardly ever be the first to say goodbye, I really do appreciate the time that I get to speak to him. My addiction is far too much, good chance I'll never get over my addiction of him.
10thMarch2012
Today I woke up at around 10.30am, as mum woke me up so that I would be ready to go out later. I was online for a little bit and then got into the shower, which I was in for probably far too long. Once I was out I had to quickly get ready for leaving and getting my eyebrows done at 12.30 [lunch time], which went really well and nothing too special to say about it. In town I got Noodle Nation, mother bought cards, got my lip ring in and was sat in a coffee shop with mum and my nan. I saw an old friend today called Jared, who sent me a very sweet text back in the start of 2010 which I have kept "I love you very much amy <3 and I don't want you to ever forget it, because if you disappeared or something then I would have missed my chance to tell you :( So please don't ever leave my life. You actually mean the world to me <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3". Jared and I use to be quite close, as it shows with no sex appeal or crushes involved whatsoever. Since I have been home from town I haven't been up to much, my friend Ollie has been staying for a few days as he has no place at the moment, so he's been asleep for the past 5 hours now. I really need to learn to go to sleep much earlier! Goodnight :)
9thMarch2012
The first time I haven't done my blog before I've fallen asleep for the night :( Nothing too amazing has happened in the last few days, mainly just my casual laziness. Rachel and I put our names down for doing lambing checks at 10pm on the Thursday, which was very enjoyable. First of all we bottle fed lambs which had been most likely rejected by their mothers, milked a couple of sheep to ensure their milk doesn't get clogged up and then we filled up hay racks and left for the night which was around 11. We waited for her mother to pick us up for a good 30 minutes, which allowed us to have a long and decent conversation. One topic we got onto is that Rachel once had a girlfriend, which I had no idea about or that she swings that way, but I wasn't shocked at all. I also had a late phone call with Alex the other night as I had been drinking a little, I can't remember saying anything I shouldn't have so it's all good. We stayed up until 5am in the morning even though I had college that day and was meant to be up at 7. It's been a good but tiring few days :)
7thMarch2012
I am extremely suprised I have not forgotten about writing to my blog once this year! Today I've been into town and I've been drinking tonight, has been good and I will hopefully talk it about tomorrow. Goodnight :)
6thMarch2012
Nothing special or interesting happened at college today, which also goes the same with my day. It has been boring at times, however it hasn't been bad as I've got to spend it with with friends. Lately I have been spending my nights talking to a guy called Russell, I can imagine if he lived closer that we would really get along. Sadly for me though he lives all the way in Bath, which is just under two hours away from me. It has taken me around a month to mention Russell on here, as usually you don't connect with random people on the internet this well, however he is definitely worth mentioning. I hope we're friends for a long time :)
5thMarch2012
It could have been my two years and six months with Alex today, but I've only just noticed that so no thinking about it all day. He was a little rude to me last night, which I just brushed off and ignored, and he apologised for it today. He has made me paranoid tonight by saying 'im sorry for my rudeness last night, just yeah, dont really know what to tell you' , which to me doesn't sound good at all. I have text him asking about this as his internet went off straight after but 20 minutes later I've got no reply and sitting here wondering what he was talking about. An another note, I seem to becoming addicted to smoking once again, silly me =/
4thMarch2012
As I stayed up until 4 last night talking to two people on skype [which I am again right now], I woke up at 2.30pm. I had planned with my friend Adam the day before that we would meet up today, so straight away I phoned him as I assumed I would have been awake earlier. It took me an hour to get ready and then we agreed that he would come over my house and we would chill there, it was around 4.10pm when he came over. We sat in my front room talking with the music channels on for a long while, the conversations mostly consisted of talking about his ex girlfriend, Sasha who had only just broken up the day before. I do feel bad for him, because he really did love her even though she was a crazy bitch and no way deserved him! It's very safe to say that all of Adams close friends dislike her, and wish the worst for her. We decided on going to Chris' work until he finished at a community club bar. After that we walked back to his house which was a minute away and his mum dropped us to where his car was which had subs put into it. His business and secondary school friend [where Adam also goes to], Talha was with the car as it was his cousin who made it working. Us for got back into the car and made our way towards KFC so Chris could give lifts to some people and have room in his car, bringing back another person who Adam and I don't know. When they got there around an hour later they got food and we stayed there for a while longer. We then went to an empty car park to properly listen to Chris' speakers, which were pretty epic however did not impress me so much that I would rather be out listening to them rather somewhere in the warm. Chris then decided that was the end of the night and started taking everyone home, going in order of Talha, Freddie, Adam and then lastly me. As Adam got out the car I got out too to give him a hug, as I got back in I told Chris to look at the moon as it looked rather nice, he got stressed with me telling me in a loud voice to close the door, which I did as he was being a prick. Every time I see Chris lately he seems to get pissed off with me for no reason, it really makes me want to just forget about him as he doesn't seem to care much about our friendship much any more. I got home near 10pm, ate dinner and now am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. My parents are going away next month, I'm thinking of having a party and not bothering to invite Chris, Alex or Lean. None of them seem to treat me properly any more, or at all how they should. I know I'm not the perfect friend to any of them, and at times a very horrible one however I do love them, I hope they realise this and remember how close we once use to be.
3rdMarch2012
Was meant to be my first day starting work today, however I didn't have the right clothes. It's safe to say I was a little pissed off, however I'm happy now that I didn't as when I turned up the 20+ people who were there were all males and all Pakistanis! So instead I walked Webster and spent the rest of the day in my lovely bed. Few family members came over tonight, thus allowing me to spend quality time with my little cousin Caitlin who is 6 years old. In the night time I spent a few hours on skype to two lovely people, I thoroughly enjoyed it however they don't live close to me which sucks! Goodnighty now <3
2ndMarch2012
I feel like today has been terrible, I grated my finger on a grater and it bled quite a bit. But really my day hasn't been too bad at all, even though per usual it hasn't be too productive. I woke up at 11.11, which gave me enough time to shower and get ready for my driving lesson which started at 2 O'clock. In my two hour driving lesson we were just driving in general, rather than doing anything in specific such as roundabouts or hill starts. I enjoyed my driving lesson, per usual as my instructor is very nice. A while afterwards I walked Webster which lasted around 45 minutes, which was locally. Later on my parents went out to watch a film, and I stayed at home and watched Rugrats: The Movie, I wasn't fully concentrated on it and can imagine if was I would have enjoyed it much more. I was going to watch All Dogs Go To Heaven afterwards, however I went to have cheese on toast and while I was grating the cheese that was when I grated my finger instead. I cried and was in shock for a solid 20 minutes after, it's safe to say I won't be grating things for a long time and my confidence with grating things will be on a low. I didn't manage to get myself into the film as I was still upset over slicing my flesh off, but hopefully I will watch it sometime soon. Tonight Dad has a few friends over, however I hope they have left now so that I can have my night time cigarette! Goodnight <3
1stMarch2012
Nothing very interesting happened at college today, was pretty average filled with lots of laughter from my friends and me. I'm in quite a dazed mood right now, so anything I would write would be pretty lame. Even more lame than what I'm already saying. Once again, sorry for how late I have left to write this and the lack of effort gone into my blog.
Life was never made to be that easy, know how to live it right.
Life was never made to be that easy, know how to live it right.
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