I'm trying to keep up with writing these blog posts daily again, it's been years since I did so. I'm writing them again because I believe they helped me get things off my chest. Most days I don't have much to talk about, but it will be good to get into a routine for when I do have something I need to talk about. I want a routine, I want to sort my life out, but I am just such a fickle person. For about a week I will really be into something, so much that I will think about it or do it constantly, and then after the week is over I won't go back to it again. Fickleness can be applied to almost every aspect of my life, it really is terrible. I try to have will power, but I am lacking. The main thing I want to change and make a permanent routine at the moment is my weight, in just two years I have put on 2 stone. To be fair, I did lose a stone in a short amount of time prior to that because I was going on holiday, but I'm not exactly happy with my weight now. I tend to lose weight just before going on holiday, but that's about it. I have a holiday coming up at the start of February to Hawaii with family, but so far I have not made any reductions in my weight. I have joined a gym, but I'll call it good if I even go once a week. I make far too many excuses and far too many promises to go another day. I have however got a little better at walking my dog Luna, but we shall have to see how long that lasts. My eating habits are disgraceful, I like to binge eat, usually in the mornings. I'm absolutely fine when out of the house, but before or after work I end up taking about 10 trips to the fridge. I try to tell myself not to eat anything through the day, but I am so weak. I work much better under pressure, so perhaps the fact that the holiday is only 2 months away will do me good. There's just too much tasty vegan junk food!
My day today consisted of sitting in bed watching telly and eating food in the morning, going to work in the afternoon, and then coming back home to watch telly in bed again and eat some more food. My life is a bit repetitive, and not in a healthy way, I need to find a bit of purpose and motivation.
Going back to what I said before.. I know I should really be talking to my family and friends about anything that is stressing me out, but it's been so long since I have done so that I'm not really sure how to go about it any more. I want to be open with people, but I feel like they will judge me or cloud my mind of what I really think or feel, I'm easily persuaded and influenced. For example, people in relationships will only really talk to their friends about the bad stuff in the relationship, and bypass the good. This makes the friends have a bias view because it's difficult to see how well a relationship is if you're only aware of the negativity. This was definitely the case with mine and Tom's relationship when we broke up a few months ago. I do honestly think his friends thoughts and views influenced his. It's a shame really, I know it's okay to talk to friends, but I tend to leave it for when I really need their help and am very desperate. I do however know that if and when I need their support, that they are all there for me, and they all know the exact same. I may not talk to my friends regularly, but I still think we have a strong bond, especially Leanne. I sometimes get frustrated with what Leanne thinks is wrong or right, her behaviours and actions, but she will always be my first point of call when I am in a struggle. It's important to know who your friends are.
The story so far..
Simply a diary of my life from the start of 2012 and following to the year 2013. Please like or dislike my blogs and feel very free to leave a comment (: I will apologise for how much I can ramble on about nothing important. I hope you enjoy my blogs and have a lovely day :D
21st November 2017
Today I am feeling a little under the weather. After just 6 hours and 50 minutes of sleep I had to head into work for a 8.30 - 6.15 shift. The lack of sleep was definitely my fault, I end up sitting on my iPad for far too long when about to head to bed. I get distracted by the most minor of things and can end up spending an hour reassuring into stuff that I really don't care about. I also blame the alcohol consumption for last nights poor quality of sleep. I spend my nights in a single bed with Luna. It's not the comfiest sleeping with a 27kg dog, but she does keep me warm and comforted, I just wish she would give up the habit of nudging me to help her under the duvet. She is very sweet looking when sleeping.
Today at work we had a new lady that I had to train. First off we started cleaning out the animals, I explained how to clean out the small animals and then cracked on with the bird enclosures. It took her a while to get everything done, but it's to be expected on her first day. She hasn't ever worked or studied animals, so there's a bit or work to be done. I didn't really get a chance to talk to her properly because most of the day was spent with her reading through outdated paperwork. I must admit that I was rather jealous because I would have loved the chance to sit out the back away from customers. The majority of customers are pleasant, it's probably only around once a week that I have to deal with someone lacking a few brain signals. I'd take animal customers than clothing customers any day!
I sold a couple of Guinea Pigs today, the lady had recently lost her one so she thought she'd surprise her daughter once she came home from school. It was a fairly easy sale as she was already clued up about the Guineas of course. My favourite animals to sell are either hamsters or fish. I like selling hamsters because after owning many of my own I am very clued up about them and can answer almost any questions I am asked about them. I also like selling fish because they are easy, the only things to check with the customer is whether they have a heater, filter, clear water, use the correct treatment and if they are going straight home. I've recently acquired some tropical fish, but I'll mention that on another day.
Nothing much happened at work really, just deliveries, deliveries and more deliveries. Having something to do did make the working day pass quickly though, so I appreciate that. Tuesdays are when both of my nans come round for dinner, we all had a chicken curry, mine however was Quorn chicken pieces, it is without a doubt my favourite dinner. It was nice to see my nan after the break in yesterday, she seems a lot less anxious today and more settled. She will be staying around my aunty Fiona's again tonight as the police need to come round to do some forensics, see if they can find anything worthwhile. I really do hope they find the bastards, but again I am doubtful.
Today at work we had a new lady that I had to train. First off we started cleaning out the animals, I explained how to clean out the small animals and then cracked on with the bird enclosures. It took her a while to get everything done, but it's to be expected on her first day. She hasn't ever worked or studied animals, so there's a bit or work to be done. I didn't really get a chance to talk to her properly because most of the day was spent with her reading through outdated paperwork. I must admit that I was rather jealous because I would have loved the chance to sit out the back away from customers. The majority of customers are pleasant, it's probably only around once a week that I have to deal with someone lacking a few brain signals. I'd take animal customers than clothing customers any day!
I sold a couple of Guinea Pigs today, the lady had recently lost her one so she thought she'd surprise her daughter once she came home from school. It was a fairly easy sale as she was already clued up about the Guineas of course. My favourite animals to sell are either hamsters or fish. I like selling hamsters because after owning many of my own I am very clued up about them and can answer almost any questions I am asked about them. I also like selling fish because they are easy, the only things to check with the customer is whether they have a heater, filter, clear water, use the correct treatment and if they are going straight home. I've recently acquired some tropical fish, but I'll mention that on another day.
Nothing much happened at work really, just deliveries, deliveries and more deliveries. Having something to do did make the working day pass quickly though, so I appreciate that. Tuesdays are when both of my nans come round for dinner, we all had a chicken curry, mine however was Quorn chicken pieces, it is without a doubt my favourite dinner. It was nice to see my nan after the break in yesterday, she seems a lot less anxious today and more settled. She will be staying around my aunty Fiona's again tonight as the police need to come round to do some forensics, see if they can find anything worthwhile. I really do hope they find the bastards, but again I am doubtful.
20th November 2017
Sundays and Mondays are my day off. This morning from around 9.30 - 2.15 I spent my morning with Tom around my house before he had to fuck off for work. It was a fairly pleasant morning, we walked Luna to the mead which is a field by my house which takes around 20 minutes to do a lap. I found a tennis ball while walking though the grassy area, something which Luna does not tend to play with while outside of the house, yet today she was very interested in it and even brought it back to us a few times to kick again. Once back home we got passionate, and after cooked up some spring rolls and some samosas. Tom doesn't like to eat much, instead he says that he is not hungry, but I try not to think too much of it. Just before he left we watched an episode of Lost, we are finally on the last season after probably watching it for a whole year. We both very much enjoyed Lost at first, but now it's just getting a bit silly, but because we're so far into it we're a bit too stubborn to just ditch it. After Tom left I watched some programmes and played around a little, but we shan't say much about that. I have been drinking since 5 O'clock today, I've planned to have 5 cans of Strongbow and that's what I have stuck too, mainly because I'm a light weight and I have work again in the morning. Tonight has been sadly eventful, my dad recieved a call from my aunty Fiona saying that my nan had been broken into. As we live only a 5 minute walk away we decided to head straight over to be with my nan and aunty at my nans home. The house wasn't terribly trashed, all the cupboard doors were open, letters had been pulled from the draws and placed onto the sofa and there was dirt all over the floor. They had broken in by the front room window which opens onto the garden area, the window however did not seem to be broken in the slightest. We're all uncertain how this person or group got in, but they managed somehow. The only things which seem to be missing at the moment are a laptop and a few pound coins, which quite frankly is very lucky. I am very happy that my Nan was not in the house at the time of the break in otherwise this could have all been so much worse. When visiting, my nan was of course shaken up. She is staying round my aunty Fiona's for the night, and I am unsure on when she shall return to her home. Robbing someone is such an evil thing to do, I somewhat understand 'finders keepers' (to a limit), and robbing a shop for food, but robbing someone to sell stuff on is just unnecessary. I don't know what trauma this has caused my nan so far, but I know it is not worth the price of a laptop. The police were called round and apparently didn't do much, however I can't comment too much as I was not there when they visited. I'm very doubtful of them ever finding the person who did this, and unfortunately I'm almost certain they will get away with it. The only thing will be what plays through their mind, but I'm sure their thought processes are short and not well planned through. Fuck anyone who takes something from someone else for their own personal gain.
19th November 2017
It has been quite a few years since any of my postings, but I feel an update is in need. I enjoy reflecting on my past, it allows me to see what I have overcome and what I am still struggling with. Carrying on from my post over 3 years ago.. Alex and me said goodbye, and I have only contacted him a few times by text when it gets really hard or on birthdays / occasions. It has now been 11 months since we last spoke, on his birthday. Rob broke things off with me because I kept my relationsip with Alex going on for far too long. Months after, I sent him a letter to apologise for how I treated him, he is now in a long loving relationship and I am glad for him.
So my life now.. I currently have one part time job at Jollyes which is 24.75 hours a week on minimum wage. I still smoke and I still drink regularly. My rent costs me £200 a month which leaves me with about £400 a month for spending. I am with a lovely man called Tom, whom I have been with for a year and 4 months, since the 11th of July 2016. We of course have had our issues, but I do believe we have the power to pull through almost anything. We met at my first job, Matalan. I met him when he was just 16 years old and I was 19, keep in mind I am 23 now. We were really good friends at work, we would always make each other laugh by messing up each other's departments. It was depression that bonded us, we both went through it and went on medication because of it. We have very similar taste in music and we get along wonderfully. I probably do depend on him more than I should do, but at least I have made improvements from the last relationship. We are strong, I know it.
Currently I live with my parents. In my home I live with Rou the chinchilla, Milo and Spyro the ferrets, Luna the dog, some pond fish and from a couple of days ago, some tropical fish. I sleep with Luna most nights, she is much better behaved than Webster ever was. I feel he knew when I needed him much more than she knows, although perhaps I just need less support than I did years ago. I love all of my companions very much so.
Perhaps I shall keep up with these blog posts, perhaps I shall not. Talk to you soon, maybe.
So my life now.. I currently have one part time job at Jollyes which is 24.75 hours a week on minimum wage. I still smoke and I still drink regularly. My rent costs me £200 a month which leaves me with about £400 a month for spending. I am with a lovely man called Tom, whom I have been with for a year and 4 months, since the 11th of July 2016. We of course have had our issues, but I do believe we have the power to pull through almost anything. We met at my first job, Matalan. I met him when he was just 16 years old and I was 19, keep in mind I am 23 now. We were really good friends at work, we would always make each other laugh by messing up each other's departments. It was depression that bonded us, we both went through it and went on medication because of it. We have very similar taste in music and we get along wonderfully. I probably do depend on him more than I should do, but at least I have made improvements from the last relationship. We are strong, I know it.
Currently I live with my parents. In my home I live with Rou the chinchilla, Milo and Spyro the ferrets, Luna the dog, some pond fish and from a couple of days ago, some tropical fish. I sleep with Luna most nights, she is much better behaved than Webster ever was. I feel he knew when I needed him much more than she knows, although perhaps I just need less support than I did years ago. I love all of my companions very much so.
Perhaps I shall keep up with these blog posts, perhaps I shall not. Talk to you soon, maybe.
5th September 2014
I'm glad that I didn't notice what date it was before the day was over, the 5th of September holds a very memorable day for me, as it was the date which my ex boyfriend and me got together.
I haven't done many blog posts since discovering my depression. I started therapy around the start of the year and now I have finished! I'm in no way over my depression, however I have achieved an incredible amount and my therapist did absolute wonders. The main trigger for my depressions that my ex boyfriend and I had something going on with each other, however many times I was rejected from him and this made me greatly upset and often a bit crazy. Honestly for a long time I wanted him and nothing else, and currently am still very similar to that. I've always had thoughts of saying goodbye after the break up (3 years ago), however I could never be able to get myself to actually go though with it, but finally I reached the courage. My therapist suggested that I give him two options, to either make what we have into a relationship, or say goodbye. I've always been hopeful for him to change his mind and want to date me again, but in recent weeks this has gotten less intense. He said goodbye to me, which I was expecting, however it was still greatly distressing. I feel afraid to like anyone else.
2nd November 2013
I hurt myself on the outside so that the hurt on the inside will fade for a while.
23rd October 2013
Yesterday, I was asked whether I had taken my meds. I was asked this in a joking way, by a person that I had practically just met, who expected no more of a reply than a smile or a laugh. I haven't taken my medication for a little while now, and it is really obvious how that's affected me. This is the worst I have been feeling with this round of depression than I have done before. Yesterday was a year on from the day that I said goodbye to my beautiful boy Webster, that affected me greatly. I did not deal well with the death of my dog, my best friend and the one that I love at all. I can't help but feel that if he was still with me today, that I would not be in this situation that I am in now. He would always know when I was upset, and he would come and comfort me. I need comforting now, I need comforting from him, but I can no longer get that. Webster slept in my bed room for a few nights before he was sent to the vets. I was so excited for him to come back home, as I had plans to sleep with him every night for the rest of our lives. He was truly what held me together. Everything has gone downhill since he hasn't been around. I miss him, I love him, and I will always love him.
9th September 2013
Everyone has a different idea of being depressed, and here is mine; it feels as if I'm in a wide ocean, never being able to reach the shore. Deep waves of despair push over me and pull me under, but never quite enough to pull me deep enough down to drown and get this depression and life over with. Any time I manage to resurface, another wave comes across and drowns me into the water that I greatly struggle to survive from, but again never enough for me to have my life at an end.
I do not feel as if I am at a big risk of suicide, however the risk is there.
28th August 2013
I think today would be a good idea to start my daily blog posts again. It has been an extremely difficult day for me today, as for the first time I have opened up to three separate people about my depression.
I had a doctors appointment today, it was to pick up the pill. Things have been really tough for me lately, and my happiness is at an all time low. I took the very daunting decision to seek help from the nurse, however she referred me to a doctor that I saw around two hours later than my first appointment. I got really nervous when trying to tell her about my depression, so much that I cried in front of her. On my walk home I phoned Alex, but he didn't pick up. I phoned him again a little while later as I know I won't be able to survive without his support. He picked up and agreed to meet up with me after my appointment, even though less than a week previously he had told me that he wanted a little space from me for a while. I broke down as soon as the call was dropped, I knew I would have to tell Alex today and I knew that something was seriously wrong with me. My second doctors appointment had results, and it showed that I did have anxiety and depression issues. I managed to hold things together enough to have a proper conversation with the doctor and tell her what's going on. She prescribed me anti-depressants, and has contacted a councillor for me. I will be visiting the doctors again in two weeks time, so that the doctor can see how I am feeling. The doctor asked me to think about what lead to my depression, but I seriously have no clue. I went to see Alex straight after my second appointment. Things were so hard for me, especially after his seeming of lack of care towards me and interest in how I was feeling. I sat with him in his telly room for over an hour in silence; he was watching telly and I was sat thinking. I knew I had to tell him today, and I managed to go through with it. He asked me if I had anything to say to him, and of course I did, before this however, I broke down in tears. After a little while he asked if I would like a hug, which I slowly accepted. I told him that I was diagnosed with depression today and he repeated 'depression' in a shocked and worried way. We hugged tightly and talked a little about what the doctors did for me, how long have I been aware, and what's making me sad. I don't care if he's not the greatest at making me smile or happy when I'm depressed, he showed me that he cares and that is the most that I can receive. I'm glad that Alex now knows about my mental health issue, as it proves how I feel I can talk to him about anything. I have had a phone call with Rob tonight, I did not tell him anything and I do not see this relationship with him going any further. It would not be fair to put my pressure onto him if I do not think he can help me with this. I don't want to put pressure onto Alex either, but it's really nice to know that someone has a basic idea of what you're going through. I don't care what anyone says, Alex is a good friend to me and we love each other dearly!
I have self harmed today, it was before my first doctors appointment. I did it because if I did it once more I would know that there was definitely something wrong with me, and It made me feel as if my time with the doctor was well needed.
16th August 2013
I just need someone to understand, understand all of the pressure that is currently put on me. I don't believe that is possible, but I need someone, I need help. My laughter is no longer true, my smiles are no longer strong. I'm pretending to be happy, and there's noway out. My situation is far too much for me, I cannot handle it now. I feel stuck in limbo, not getting better, and not getting worse. Suicide plays on my mind every day, but I cannot go through with it, I've promised too many people that I wouldn't try again, but it feels like the only option out of here.
31st July 2013
I'm not putting any ideas forward about my death happening any time soon, but I would just like to state what I would like clearly. I would like to be buried where my uncle and cousin were buried; in Wooburn Green. I did not know either of them, and I do not feel like they were known well while they were alive, as my cousin died a few months after birth, and my uncle decided to end his life as a teen as he didn't want to spend the rest of his life taking pills which meant he would stay alive. I want to be buried there because I feel I also am not know, I don't know myself, and other people sure don't either. The songs to be played at my funeral are 'Kid Cudi - The Prayer', 'Lebo M - He Lives In You' and 'Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me'. I stand strong with these songs, and this has been decided a long time ago. I don't wish for everybody to stand in front of everyone at my funeral and talk about me (although they are welcome to if they have the strength to), but I would be more than welcoming if they would like to write me a letter and bury it with me. I don't know if my death will be intentional or not, but I would like my close friends and family to know that I love them dearly, and that I forgive them for any hurt that they may have given me. Any animals that I may have must be kept with my mother, as she is a good mother to me and I know that she will take very good care for them. I just hope you're happy that I lived.
4thJuly2013
I really have no idea what to do with myself any more, the only thing that comes to mind is to drink myself to death. Everything is really pushing me to the edge at the moment, and I'm not able to cope with it. Everything is working against me, and there's nowhere to turn for help. All the help I've asked for, refuses me. I am all alone, and there is nothing I can do. This place isn't doing anything to help me any more, but I can't get away from it.
15thMay2013
The moment when you realise you've started thinking about suicide on a regular basis again is not a nice one. I don't know whether it's because I'm genuinely down at the moment, or whether it's because I've been unwell with a cold and have been very knackered as of late. I think it is a good thing that I'm aware of my regular thoughts now, and that I am coming on here to express my thoughts and feelings, but of course it would be even better if those thoughts and feelings weren't there. I should currently be really happy as it's my birthday tomorrow, but all happy thoughts have now left my body for the day. I'm in hope that I will be joyful tomorrow, and I'm sure I will be.
3rdMarch2013
I have got so behind with my blog posts that I feel like giving up hope with it. I really do enjoy doing my daily blog, but I hate the emptiness of some weeks. I think the lack of dedication is due to having Internet on my phone now and not using my laptop as much. Just like everything else in my life, it has all builded up so much that I'm going to have to forget about some of the days. I really do hate this, but I feel like I really should keep up doing my blog posts despite the massive gaps. I am proud that I managed to keep it up to a reasonable standard for a year, and thats more than I can say about most things.
Today I have been at work from 2 - 6, it hasn't been too bad at all. It's all been very rushed as we currently have a sale on, but surprisingly we managed. I really do enjoy taking a leading role, that I have previously avoided as I've been afraid that people will ignore me and my efforts will go to waste. Management is a new discovery in my interests, but sadly I can't imagine it will go much further than me feeling like I can try to organise people in a work place because I'm rather useless and actually don't get listened to all that much.
Today I have been at work from 2 - 6, it hasn't been too bad at all. It's all been very rushed as we currently have a sale on, but surprisingly we managed. I really do enjoy taking a leading role, that I have previously avoided as I've been afraid that people will ignore me and my efforts will go to waste. Management is a new discovery in my interests, but sadly I can't imagine it will go much further than me feeling like I can try to organise people in a work place because I'm rather useless and actually don't get listened to all that much.
18thFebruary2013
I was feeling lonely again this morning. I have such an addictive feeling towards my ex. I just want to spend time with him again. It brought me ultimate happiness when I knew I would be seeing him. There is no one that I would prefer to spend time with (other than my dog Webster who sadly passed away in October).
I cannot see myself ever truly getting over my ex, the happiest moments of my life were spent with him. I want to relive those moments and never let it end.
I cannot see myself ever truly getting over my ex, the happiest moments of my life were spent with him. I want to relive those moments and never let it end.
17thFebruary2013
I'm feeling rather sad now, as tonight I have spent time with my ex and he has now left. Every time he leaves I feel a wave of despair wash over me, lasting for a few days to a couple of weeks. I do really enjoy spending time with him, but I seem to have a 'come down' after seeing him. The first thing I want to do after seeing him, is see him again. I don't know how to stop this feeling, and I can remember being like this ever since there was a hint of something wrong with out relationship. Perhaps it's because I don't know when the next time I see him will be, or because there's a slight thought in my head that I will either not see him for a long time, or never again. That's a ridiculous thing to think, but I don't know what causes these thoughts and emotions. I remember it being so bad at one point that I ended up crying every time he left, it was a serious problem. I use to suffer from depression, seeing him use to cheer me up majorly, and him leaving displeased me greatly. I think my depression may also be linked to the sadness that comes when he leaves, as I feel so safe while I'm with him. Late night thoughts have me feeling that I may still be so attached to him because he helped me through my depression, and the thought of not being the same with him may bring the depression back. This is a serious breakthrough in reasons for me being so deadly attached and I must talk to him about it the next time I see him.
We were planning to play Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2, but sadly that didn't happen as my father rudely took the telly. I suppose we could have taken the console upstairs and plugged it into my telly, however this required far more effort than I was willing to give. Instead we had a nice evening in my bedroom. We started off all happy just wandering around singing to a band we both get great enjoyment out of listening to, and then to lay on-top of my bed. The evening didn't start of with us being too distant, but just a little more than usual. Everything was as usual, but with none of the usual kisses. I appreciated our normal cuddles greatly, I have seriously missed those after a month of not seeing him.
The time spent together went as planned, with no lip kissing or anything more. I dealt with it reasonably well, until it seemed to me a little that he would like to kiss me. I feel that he did, just as I did, but as if he thought it would be best if he didn't. Now thinking back I disapprove of my lack of urges to kiss him, as there was at least one really close moment where it seemed as if we were about to. If we had kissed, I would have been happy about it, however right now after not kissing him, I know that no kisses was the 'right' way for it to be. I like the feeling of being really wanted, as I did today. I think holding out opposed to giving in and not resisting makes him much more interested in me, as we want what we can't have. I do try to have the higher ground as much as I can, but honestly I cannot resist him.
We were planning to play Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2, but sadly that didn't happen as my father rudely took the telly. I suppose we could have taken the console upstairs and plugged it into my telly, however this required far more effort than I was willing to give. Instead we had a nice evening in my bedroom. We started off all happy just wandering around singing to a band we both get great enjoyment out of listening to, and then to lay on-top of my bed. The evening didn't start of with us being too distant, but just a little more than usual. Everything was as usual, but with none of the usual kisses. I appreciated our normal cuddles greatly, I have seriously missed those after a month of not seeing him.
The time spent together went as planned, with no lip kissing or anything more. I dealt with it reasonably well, until it seemed to me a little that he would like to kiss me. I feel that he did, just as I did, but as if he thought it would be best if he didn't. Now thinking back I disapprove of my lack of urges to kiss him, as there was at least one really close moment where it seemed as if we were about to. If we had kissed, I would have been happy about it, however right now after not kissing him, I know that no kisses was the 'right' way for it to be. I like the feeling of being really wanted, as I did today. I think holding out opposed to giving in and not resisting makes him much more interested in me, as we want what we can't have. I do try to have the higher ground as much as I can, but honestly I cannot resist him.
16thFebruary2013
It really has been nice to have a day off from work, especially after my two weeks of heavy work, countless numbers of weekends working, and the stress that the load of coursework has brought.
Things have calmed down from yesterdays dramas with my father, however he is still being as much as a prick as he usually is to me. Mother was attempting a family meeting today to try and get things resolved, however I avoided that as dad had been drinking last night and he's always in a foul mood the following day. I was going to try and talk with the both of them, however I could already hear him downstairs shouting and complaining about me to mother.
I have finally been able to see my friend today after about a month of absence. We usually see each other at least twice a week as he lives a twenty second walk away from me, however this had not been the case as I have been so busy with coursework and work experience. It was really nice to see him again, as I do really enjoy spending time with him and he truly is one of my closest friends. We got up to date with each other, discussing his relationship, my relationship status, his possible employment, my work experience, and other random topics.
Things have calmed down from yesterdays dramas with my father, however he is still being as much as a prick as he usually is to me. Mother was attempting a family meeting today to try and get things resolved, however I avoided that as dad had been drinking last night and he's always in a foul mood the following day. I was going to try and talk with the both of them, however I could already hear him downstairs shouting and complaining about me to mother.
I have finally been able to see my friend today after about a month of absence. We usually see each other at least twice a week as he lives a twenty second walk away from me, however this had not been the case as I have been so busy with coursework and work experience. It was really nice to see him again, as I do really enjoy spending time with him and he truly is one of my closest friends. We got up to date with each other, discussing his relationship, my relationship status, his possible employment, my work experience, and other random topics.
15thFebruary2013
I have finally completed my two weeks work experience at Pets At Home, and I can safely say that I enjoyed it greatly. The majority of the work experience was good, and it gave me a better understanding of how a pet shop with regular animal delivery works, as well as a better knowledge on how businesses are run in the animal field of retail. I believe the reason for high levels of enjoyment was because of how well I got on with all of the staff, and how well I felt I fitted in. I am in high hope of getting a job there if any positions become available, as I have a deeper connection with one of the managers because of the situation with him and my best friend who also works there (they're sleeping together in secret). The early mornings starting at seven in the morning didn't suit me too well, but it meant that I was able to interact with the animals more, as that is when the cleaning of the enclosures and feeding happens. The animals aren't handled a lot at Pets At Home, and there is always tasks which needed to be completed meaning that I always had something to do, opposed to other work placements where there was nothing to do so I was sent to get the animals use to human interaction. I believe it would be beneficial to handle the animals more, as in my opinion the animals were more people-friendly at smaller pet shops. I managed to damage myself every day somehow, mainly from cuts, not necessarily from the animals, but from opening cardboard boxes too. I will somewhat miss working at Pets At Home, mainly due to the people who worked there.
This morning was the worst of the two weeks, as my dad is a very argumentative person anyway and is even worse in the mornings (which goes the same with me). It wasn't planned for him to take me to work, but because mum had woken up late it was down to him. I was ready by the front door and simply told him to be quick as it's time to leave, already by then I had obviously been such an inconvenience to his life that he started complaining about me and putting me down. I then got into the car waiting for him, for him to then say that the windows need to be defrosted and said it in a way that implied it was my fault. He was being horrible to me for no reason, and after a few more put downs I was gradually getting angrier. I went back in the house absolutely raging, mum calmed me down slightly and I got back into the car to try again. He then continuously complained at me some more even with me telling him to simply stop talking to me. I was so worked up at this point that I hit him and again went back inside, to then take my rage out on furniture. My face looked awful after the crying, which made me more upset and it didn't put out a good outline for the day following. In the end mother took me to work, for me to arrive ten minutes late, not at all giving a good impression for any possibility of being offered a job. My main problem was that I set out to make a really good impression on the managers there, just for it to then be completely screwed with because my dad was being unreasonable. I really do have a great passion of hate for my father. I don't feel like he cares about me in the slightest and he'd much rather have me out of his life completely.
This morning was the worst of the two weeks, as my dad is a very argumentative person anyway and is even worse in the mornings (which goes the same with me). It wasn't planned for him to take me to work, but because mum had woken up late it was down to him. I was ready by the front door and simply told him to be quick as it's time to leave, already by then I had obviously been such an inconvenience to his life that he started complaining about me and putting me down. I then got into the car waiting for him, for him to then say that the windows need to be defrosted and said it in a way that implied it was my fault. He was being horrible to me for no reason, and after a few more put downs I was gradually getting angrier. I went back in the house absolutely raging, mum calmed me down slightly and I got back into the car to try again. He then continuously complained at me some more even with me telling him to simply stop talking to me. I was so worked up at this point that I hit him and again went back inside, to then take my rage out on furniture. My face looked awful after the crying, which made me more upset and it didn't put out a good outline for the day following. In the end mother took me to work, for me to arrive ten minutes late, not at all giving a good impression for any possibility of being offered a job. My main problem was that I set out to make a really good impression on the managers there, just for it to then be completely screwed with because my dad was being unreasonable. I really do have a great passion of hate for my father. I don't feel like he cares about me in the slightest and he'd much rather have me out of his life completely.
14thFebruary2013
I am really into Gnarwolves at the moment, and I'm extremely excited for the 30th of April when I will be seeing them at a gig. I have only very recently heard of them, and gotten into them, but already they're one of my favourites. They're a gruff pop punk band from Brighton, and the three of them have been together since I assume 2010.
It's valentines day today and I'm not too bummed out over being single. It would be nice to have the day (and my life) filled with love and romance, but I'm certain I'll get my chance eventually. It makes me somewhat happy seeing other people happy in relationships too, as I love the great ideas that valentines day brings out.
My manager at work experience is very flirty, but in a caring way. I really do like him, as in personality wise. If I could find someone with his personality, around my age, and that I'm somewhat physically attracted to then I would be quite happy. I like confidence a lot, and I think that's my main attraction in him, along with being able to make me smile and laugh at any time he likes and even brightening up my seven O'clock mornings at work experience.
It's valentines day today and I'm not too bummed out over being single. It would be nice to have the day (and my life) filled with love and romance, but I'm certain I'll get my chance eventually. It makes me somewhat happy seeing other people happy in relationships too, as I love the great ideas that valentines day brings out.
My manager at work experience is very flirty, but in a caring way. I really do like him, as in personality wise. If I could find someone with his personality, around my age, and that I'm somewhat physically attracted to then I would be quite happy. I like confidence a lot, and I think that's my main attraction in him, along with being able to make me smile and laugh at any time he likes and even brightening up my seven O'clock mornings at work experience.
11thFebruary2013
Although I'm getting close to being a month behind with my blog posts, I will not accept defeat. Writing a daily blog post is inconvenient at times, but at other times it helps me greatly. I wouldn't be able to write a blog post at random when I feel I need to get things off my chest, I can imagine I would up eventually forgetting about it and instead start to go insane from all my emotions building up.
I've got a real soft spot for my ex ex at the moment, and by 'this moment' I mean the next hour or so. I've just successfully looked through four-hundred and fifty photos of him, and I could go through a hell of a lot more if I had the resources. It was one of those two week relationships that didn't really count, but I did really have fun when dating him. Although it was four years ago now, I would love to date him again, as he was the first person I was physically attracted to. My type preference has changed now, to the obvious blonde hair and blue eyes, but still his mysteriousness, scruffiness, darkness and whatever else he has is still damn attractive for me! I usually can't do facial hair in the slightest, but he seems to be the only one that give allowance to. I shouldn't even be talking about this topic, we don't talk at all and he's an absolute man whore (from what I've heard).
I've got a real soft spot for my ex ex at the moment, and by 'this moment' I mean the next hour or so. I've just successfully looked through four-hundred and fifty photos of him, and I could go through a hell of a lot more if I had the resources. It was one of those two week relationships that didn't really count, but I did really have fun when dating him. Although it was four years ago now, I would love to date him again, as he was the first person I was physically attracted to. My type preference has changed now, to the obvious blonde hair and blue eyes, but still his mysteriousness, scruffiness, darkness and whatever else he has is still damn attractive for me! I usually can't do facial hair in the slightest, but he seems to be the only one that give allowance to. I shouldn't even be talking about this topic, we don't talk at all and he's an absolute man whore (from what I've heard).
4thFebruary2013
I wasn't feeling too nervous for my work experience at Pets At Home today, as I'd already felt welcomed by the manager in charge of work experience and because my best friend works there too. Of course there was a little thought inside of me thinking that it would be an awful day of cleaning, and indeed I did end up cleaning. I completed a shift starting at nine O'clock until five O'clock today, which covers my eight hours minimum a day work experience nicely. I first was let into the building and got shown around the facility, including all fire exit points and was covered briefly on the fire procedures. I was also given an introduction to the staff members that were working the same shift, but I doubt there's any chance I'll even remember half of their names by the end of the week. I started my day off upstairs in the fish department, which looks down upon the rest of the shop floor. The staff member and I ensured all enclosures were safe and secure, that all animals were in good health (fish must be checked every thirty minutes due to a recent report on Watchdog). Fish were fed in the morning, and I believe they are redone at night. Fish tanks were cleaned, using the right equipment that's correct for each column of tanks. It was a reasonably good day, however it was rather relaxed and I feel like I should have been provided with more work to do.
3rdFebruary2013
I've been at work for most of today, and it's been reasonably busy. I seem to have noticed my work performance dropping as of late, I have vague memories of being able to get through three walls at work in four hours, but lately I seem to be rushing through everything and doing half a job. I think my managers expect too much of me, either that or I really need to step up in my work pace. I don't really think I do that badly though, as I don't spend a lot of time talking and loitering about like some people in the work place. It irritates me at times to think about how little some people do at work, and how much they get away with.
Although we had already concluded that we would not be seeing each other this evening, I still stayed in hope that we somehow would do. Sadly we have not seen each other this evening, and we will not be seeing each other this evening. I was in so much hope that I would have a text from him saying that he changes his mind and that he is perfectly free to see me this evening, but instead, nothing. I am feeling down that I wasn't able to see him, but it hasn't been that bad of an evening to be fair. It's getting to the point that I haven't seen him in so long (3 weeks), and we haven't spoken that much at all, that it's really getting to me and all of my focus seems to be on him. I hate my routine I have with him; see him, have huge urges to see him, wanting to see him, be fine with not seeing him for a few days, wanting to see him, have huge urges to see him, and then see him. If it's possible to get addictions to people, I am certain to have it over him.
This evening (other than obsessing over him) I have seem my family as they came over to my house for a little while; it was nice spending time with my family, especially my little cousin even if I did have coursework to do. The rest of the evening has been spent attempting to structure a hamster maze for my HND project: "the affect of gender, age, and housing on the performance of a Syrian hamster in a spatial maze". It's been hard work, made harder by how tired I am. It's not difficult work as such, just takes a lot to get your head around the measurements and such. My mother has been extremely helpful tonight, being really caring about my course and me. My dad's been helpful too, with measuring and cutting out the cardboard fittings.
Although we had already concluded that we would not be seeing each other this evening, I still stayed in hope that we somehow would do. Sadly we have not seen each other this evening, and we will not be seeing each other this evening. I was in so much hope that I would have a text from him saying that he changes his mind and that he is perfectly free to see me this evening, but instead, nothing. I am feeling down that I wasn't able to see him, but it hasn't been that bad of an evening to be fair. It's getting to the point that I haven't seen him in so long (3 weeks), and we haven't spoken that much at all, that it's really getting to me and all of my focus seems to be on him. I hate my routine I have with him; see him, have huge urges to see him, wanting to see him, be fine with not seeing him for a few days, wanting to see him, have huge urges to see him, and then see him. If it's possible to get addictions to people, I am certain to have it over him.
This evening (other than obsessing over him) I have seem my family as they came over to my house for a little while; it was nice spending time with my family, especially my little cousin even if I did have coursework to do. The rest of the evening has been spent attempting to structure a hamster maze for my HND project: "the affect of gender, age, and housing on the performance of a Syrian hamster in a spatial maze". It's been hard work, made harder by how tired I am. It's not difficult work as such, just takes a lot to get your head around the measurements and such. My mother has been extremely helpful tonight, being really caring about my course and me. My dad's been helpful too, with measuring and cutting out the cardboard fittings.
2ndFebruary2013
After the short relaxation period yesterday, I am once again feeling very stressed over the amount of work I have to do and the short amount of time I have to do it in. There's no easy solution, I'm in a situation where I need sleep, work, and have a social life, but sadly I'm only able to pick two. At the moment my levels are very low on all three, and it's not healthy for me at all. I've had a little more guidance on my husbandry coursework, with my lecturer telling me that I would have of course failed if I had submitted my coursework as it is now. I'm happy that I've had help with it, however I wish I wasn't such a failure with ALL of my coursework in the first place. I now understand my production coursework a little more now, although I know full well that I am going to struggle majorly with it as it's simply a topic that I am clueless about and will have to research into the basics. I've even had another piece of coursework back, which hasn't been failed! Simply on the basis that it was that bad that it couldn't even be accepted as coursework. The given back coursework was an academic poster for Anatomy and Physiology, but it wasn't in format as the college facilities didn't allow me to do so as they closed early without notice. This means though that I'm able to completely start fresh on my poster, and have a better advantage over everyone else in the class. The coursework wasn't even looked at, meaning that I can add in whatever I want, especially seems as I've had the work back and they can't even check that I haven't added anything more in. I'm happy about this, but not happy that I only have until Friday to complete it all when I've got work experience from eight in the morning until five in the afternoon every day this week. I'm not even too sure how I will be handing in the work, as I'm working in all the available time that I have to hand it in. This means that I only have around six hours each night to complete the work, which I suppose is twenty-four hours, but it takes me a long time to get into concentration mode. I am also going to be very knackered after long days at work experience, so this has not been planned well at all.
My plans for Sunday evening were to meet up with the ex, to get approval of the new piercing from him and to be satisfied with seeing him after a long while of not speaking as much. I'm pretty gutted that I won't be seeing him this weekend, as it will mean that I'm in damper spirits for this week. First of all it took him a couple of days to give me a reply, making me feel as if he was reluctant to meet up with me. He then said he would see me then, and then even asked about details for it, and then he suggested other days as Sunday evening wasn't very convenient for him. The two days he offered were Monday and Tuesday, for him to realise he can't do Monday, and just leave Tuesday. I'm not free at all this week as I've got work experience, which sucks greatly as I'm rather desperate to see him. At first my message was slightly giving off the impression that I simply couldn't be bothered with him, but I soon made it clear to him that I do want to see him, and that I'm not just leaving it like that because I can't be bothered. It aggravates me slightly that he probably can do Sunday evening, but it is his choice I suppose, and he knows full well what I am like with always leaving late. His last text was a little blunt, simply because it was something that I wouldn't be able to reply to, as if he's happy to have the conversation over even though I tried to make effort with us. I really must stop reading into things too much, I'm getting far too into all of this. He truly does brighten up my life.
My plans for Sunday evening were to meet up with the ex, to get approval of the new piercing from him and to be satisfied with seeing him after a long while of not speaking as much. I'm pretty gutted that I won't be seeing him this weekend, as it will mean that I'm in damper spirits for this week. First of all it took him a couple of days to give me a reply, making me feel as if he was reluctant to meet up with me. He then said he would see me then, and then even asked about details for it, and then he suggested other days as Sunday evening wasn't very convenient for him. The two days he offered were Monday and Tuesday, for him to realise he can't do Monday, and just leave Tuesday. I'm not free at all this week as I've got work experience, which sucks greatly as I'm rather desperate to see him. At first my message was slightly giving off the impression that I simply couldn't be bothered with him, but I soon made it clear to him that I do want to see him, and that I'm not just leaving it like that because I can't be bothered. It aggravates me slightly that he probably can do Sunday evening, but it is his choice I suppose, and he knows full well what I am like with always leaving late. His last text was a little blunt, simply because it was something that I wouldn't be able to reply to, as if he's happy to have the conversation over even though I tried to make effort with us. I really must stop reading into things too much, I'm getting far too into all of this. He truly does brighten up my life.
31stJanuary2013
I asked my ex in the very early hours if the morning if he would life to meet up with me in a few days, so far I've had no ignolagment. My current thoughts are that he must be very hesitant to meet up with me, which is understandable as we're trying to stop the intimacy. My reason for wanting to meet up with him is to show him my new piercing and see how he feels about it, really I just want an approval. For some reason I'm reluctant to post it anywhere he may see as I like to tell him face to face about major changes in the piercings range. I was the same with my first and second lip piercing, and I want to assume that he will be much more approving of my industrial piercing. I of course miss him too, but this is not something I can willingly say to him, perhaps if he says it first I will do. My actions still revolve around him and his opinions towards the action. I really should set myself lose from him, but I'm rather clueless how to do that.
Friends were approving of my piercing at college today, so that made me feel much better with people's opinion on it. College hasn't been that much of a bad day at all, and I strangely seemed to enjoy it much more than I usually do on a Thursday. I've been proud with myself for remembering last weeks lesson topics on two occasions today, which is something that doesn't tend to happen at all. I've got a long way to go to remembering everything we've taught, but today has made me dowel positively about it. I found my love for maths once again, as our nutrition module has included a minor amount of maths. I find maths really enjoyable, but sadly I'm just not that good at it, coming out with a C at GCSE level.
I can now finally relax a little as the class has been given an extension on our two pieces of coursework that was supposed to be in for this Friday (tomorrow). The coursework would have been seriously implemented? if we had not got an extension, and I feel we can now be at rest because of this.
Friends were approving of my piercing at college today, so that made me feel much better with people's opinion on it. College hasn't been that much of a bad day at all, and I strangely seemed to enjoy it much more than I usually do on a Thursday. I've been proud with myself for remembering last weeks lesson topics on two occasions today, which is something that doesn't tend to happen at all. I've got a long way to go to remembering everything we've taught, but today has made me dowel positively about it. I found my love for maths once again, as our nutrition module has included a minor amount of maths. I find maths really enjoyable, but sadly I'm just not that good at it, coming out with a C at GCSE level.
I can now finally relax a little as the class has been given an extension on our two pieces of coursework that was supposed to be in for this Friday (tomorrow). The coursework would have been seriously implemented? if we had not got an extension, and I feel we can now be at rest because of this.
30thJanuary2013
I really need to get back on track with my blog, I'm getting so behind and it's all down to coursework taking over my life. When this blog is finally posted, it means that I have at least caught up to this date, but most likely still behind. It seems as if I have an endless amount of things that need doing, and they're all just building up, it's getting me awfully stressed.
I finally finished my 2000 word coursework on animal testing today, after three days of working on it. I'm greatly interested in the subject of animal testing, but for all the wrong reasons. While completing the coursework I've been getting rather emotional because of the topic, and hormones definitely have not been helping. The topic that mainly got me angry and upset was research that was being done on animals; monkeys being used for Parkinson's disease, mice being used for cancer research, and rats being used for stem cell research.
Sacrificing an animal's life in aid of a human's life is not at all acceptable to me, I find it absolutely disgusting and all people who agree with animal research should be disgusted with themselves. I only find animal testing to be acceptable when it benefits the animals themselves. Worsening the life of one to make a life of another better isn't understandable. It's a selfish thing for me to say, but I honestly couldn't care less about people with problems where the problems are trying to be solved through animal research. I refuse to donate money to charities such as cancer research as they're not 'heroes' at all, they're disgraceful and I hope everyone involved burns to death. The life of one animal is far more important in my eyes than one million humans. It does not make sense to not use humans for research that is for HUMANS. I would happily watch any human that has done a wrong to be put in the place of an animal at an animal testing laboratory. Even if someone got sent to prison for something minor like stealing a chocolate bar, why not replace them for the animal that has done no wrong in it's life. I would not have a problem with seeing children purposely bred to be used for research, if it is acceptable to be done with animals, why exclude humans.
The topic has got me angry once again. Why not cut out the middle man and save all the animals from suffering when there is no need to do so. Everyone needs to stop being so selfish, so foolish and instead look the fuck around.
Enough of that now, onto the subject of the ex. After our talk over two weeks ago (damn that has gone quickly) everything has been rather strange and 'off' with us, which I suppose is understandable. It went a week until today that we hadn't spoken to each other, which I honestly hadn't thought about all that much until the past couple of days. Not speaking to him for a few days is weird enough for me, and a week is far too long as it greatly impacts my mood in a negative way. I wanted to talk to him, and I had the chance to, I just didn't feel like I should. I definitely wanted to speak to him before this, but only until the last couple of days had I felt like I really wanted to, and I didn't feel as if he would want me speaking to him. As it was him that set the standard of us to giving ourselves distance, I feel as if he has the upper hand in the situation and is telling me to back the fuck off, but in a nice way. I hold out talking to him because I'm in hope that he'll want to start up the conversation with me, and then I will know that he cares at least a little. I'm being silly again, I know he cares for me greatly, but it just panics me greatly when we haven't talked for a little while and things are not right between us. I say 'not right' between us, but this is how things are supposedly going to be from now on. Wow, this makes me sad. I had such high hopes for us.. I really need to let the fuck go.
I finally finished my 2000 word coursework on animal testing today, after three days of working on it. I'm greatly interested in the subject of animal testing, but for all the wrong reasons. While completing the coursework I've been getting rather emotional because of the topic, and hormones definitely have not been helping. The topic that mainly got me angry and upset was research that was being done on animals; monkeys being used for Parkinson's disease, mice being used for cancer research, and rats being used for stem cell research.
(A paragraph from my coursework) "Research was carried out to
restore locomotion after permanent paralysis of the hind limbs due to damaged
spinal cords. A machine was created to provide support with gravity but not
aid in forward direction for rats to walk in a safe environment. The rats would
first gain ability to perform one or two steps, then gradually sprint over
ground and climb steps. Through applying electrical stimulation into the spinal
cord it enabled the brain to establish new connexions in the spinal cord to
send instructions to walk". It all seems fine and dandy in my coursework, but really they DISABLED a rat, and the FORCED it to walk.
Sacrificing an animal's life in aid of a human's life is not at all acceptable to me, I find it absolutely disgusting and all people who agree with animal research should be disgusted with themselves. I only find animal testing to be acceptable when it benefits the animals themselves. Worsening the life of one to make a life of another better isn't understandable. It's a selfish thing for me to say, but I honestly couldn't care less about people with problems where the problems are trying to be solved through animal research. I refuse to donate money to charities such as cancer research as they're not 'heroes' at all, they're disgraceful and I hope everyone involved burns to death. The life of one animal is far more important in my eyes than one million humans. It does not make sense to not use humans for research that is for HUMANS. I would happily watch any human that has done a wrong to be put in the place of an animal at an animal testing laboratory. Even if someone got sent to prison for something minor like stealing a chocolate bar, why not replace them for the animal that has done no wrong in it's life. I would not have a problem with seeing children purposely bred to be used for research, if it is acceptable to be done with animals, why exclude humans.
The topic has got me angry once again. Why not cut out the middle man and save all the animals from suffering when there is no need to do so. Everyone needs to stop being so selfish, so foolish and instead look the fuck around.
Enough of that now, onto the subject of the ex. After our talk over two weeks ago (damn that has gone quickly) everything has been rather strange and 'off' with us, which I suppose is understandable. It went a week until today that we hadn't spoken to each other, which I honestly hadn't thought about all that much until the past couple of days. Not speaking to him for a few days is weird enough for me, and a week is far too long as it greatly impacts my mood in a negative way. I wanted to talk to him, and I had the chance to, I just didn't feel like I should. I definitely wanted to speak to him before this, but only until the last couple of days had I felt like I really wanted to, and I didn't feel as if he would want me speaking to him. As it was him that set the standard of us to giving ourselves distance, I feel as if he has the upper hand in the situation and is telling me to back the fuck off, but in a nice way. I hold out talking to him because I'm in hope that he'll want to start up the conversation with me, and then I will know that he cares at least a little. I'm being silly again, I know he cares for me greatly, but it just panics me greatly when we haven't talked for a little while and things are not right between us. I say 'not right' between us, but this is how things are supposedly going to be from now on. Wow, this makes me sad. I had such high hopes for us.. I really need to let the fuck go.
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