I was feeling lonely again this morning. I have such an addictive feeling towards my ex. I just want to spend time with him again. It brought me ultimate happiness when I knew I would be seeing him. There is no one that I would prefer to spend time with (other than my dog Webster who sadly passed away in October).
I cannot see myself ever truly getting over my ex, the happiest moments of my life were spent with him. I want to relive those moments and never let it end.
Simply a diary of my life from the start of 2012 and following to the year 2013. Please like or dislike my blogs and feel very free to leave a comment (: I will apologise for how much I can ramble on about nothing important. I hope you enjoy my blogs and have a lovely day :D
17thFebruary2013
I'm feeling rather sad now, as tonight I have spent time with my ex and he has now left. Every time he leaves I feel a wave of despair wash over me, lasting for a few days to a couple of weeks. I do really enjoy spending time with him, but I seem to have a 'come down' after seeing him. The first thing I want to do after seeing him, is see him again. I don't know how to stop this feeling, and I can remember being like this ever since there was a hint of something wrong with out relationship. Perhaps it's because I don't know when the next time I see him will be, or because there's a slight thought in my head that I will either not see him for a long time, or never again. That's a ridiculous thing to think, but I don't know what causes these thoughts and emotions. I remember it being so bad at one point that I ended up crying every time he left, it was a serious problem. I use to suffer from depression, seeing him use to cheer me up majorly, and him leaving displeased me greatly. I think my depression may also be linked to the sadness that comes when he leaves, as I feel so safe while I'm with him. Late night thoughts have me feeling that I may still be so attached to him because he helped me through my depression, and the thought of not being the same with him may bring the depression back. This is a serious breakthrough in reasons for me being so deadly attached and I must talk to him about it the next time I see him.
We were planning to play Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2, but sadly that didn't happen as my father rudely took the telly. I suppose we could have taken the console upstairs and plugged it into my telly, however this required far more effort than I was willing to give. Instead we had a nice evening in my bedroom. We started off all happy just wandering around singing to a band we both get great enjoyment out of listening to, and then to lay on-top of my bed. The evening didn't start of with us being too distant, but just a little more than usual. Everything was as usual, but with none of the usual kisses. I appreciated our normal cuddles greatly, I have seriously missed those after a month of not seeing him.
The time spent together went as planned, with no lip kissing or anything more. I dealt with it reasonably well, until it seemed to me a little that he would like to kiss me. I feel that he did, just as I did, but as if he thought it would be best if he didn't. Now thinking back I disapprove of my lack of urges to kiss him, as there was at least one really close moment where it seemed as if we were about to. If we had kissed, I would have been happy about it, however right now after not kissing him, I know that no kisses was the 'right' way for it to be. I like the feeling of being really wanted, as I did today. I think holding out opposed to giving in and not resisting makes him much more interested in me, as we want what we can't have. I do try to have the higher ground as much as I can, but honestly I cannot resist him.
We were planning to play Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2, but sadly that didn't happen as my father rudely took the telly. I suppose we could have taken the console upstairs and plugged it into my telly, however this required far more effort than I was willing to give. Instead we had a nice evening in my bedroom. We started off all happy just wandering around singing to a band we both get great enjoyment out of listening to, and then to lay on-top of my bed. The evening didn't start of with us being too distant, but just a little more than usual. Everything was as usual, but with none of the usual kisses. I appreciated our normal cuddles greatly, I have seriously missed those after a month of not seeing him.
The time spent together went as planned, with no lip kissing or anything more. I dealt with it reasonably well, until it seemed to me a little that he would like to kiss me. I feel that he did, just as I did, but as if he thought it would be best if he didn't. Now thinking back I disapprove of my lack of urges to kiss him, as there was at least one really close moment where it seemed as if we were about to. If we had kissed, I would have been happy about it, however right now after not kissing him, I know that no kisses was the 'right' way for it to be. I like the feeling of being really wanted, as I did today. I think holding out opposed to giving in and not resisting makes him much more interested in me, as we want what we can't have. I do try to have the higher ground as much as I can, but honestly I cannot resist him.
16thFebruary2013
It really has been nice to have a day off from work, especially after my two weeks of heavy work, countless numbers of weekends working, and the stress that the load of coursework has brought.
Things have calmed down from yesterdays dramas with my father, however he is still being as much as a prick as he usually is to me. Mother was attempting a family meeting today to try and get things resolved, however I avoided that as dad had been drinking last night and he's always in a foul mood the following day. I was going to try and talk with the both of them, however I could already hear him downstairs shouting and complaining about me to mother.
I have finally been able to see my friend today after about a month of absence. We usually see each other at least twice a week as he lives a twenty second walk away from me, however this had not been the case as I have been so busy with coursework and work experience. It was really nice to see him again, as I do really enjoy spending time with him and he truly is one of my closest friends. We got up to date with each other, discussing his relationship, my relationship status, his possible employment, my work experience, and other random topics.
Things have calmed down from yesterdays dramas with my father, however he is still being as much as a prick as he usually is to me. Mother was attempting a family meeting today to try and get things resolved, however I avoided that as dad had been drinking last night and he's always in a foul mood the following day. I was going to try and talk with the both of them, however I could already hear him downstairs shouting and complaining about me to mother.
I have finally been able to see my friend today after about a month of absence. We usually see each other at least twice a week as he lives a twenty second walk away from me, however this had not been the case as I have been so busy with coursework and work experience. It was really nice to see him again, as I do really enjoy spending time with him and he truly is one of my closest friends. We got up to date with each other, discussing his relationship, my relationship status, his possible employment, my work experience, and other random topics.
15thFebruary2013
I have finally completed my two weeks work experience at Pets At Home, and I can safely say that I enjoyed it greatly. The majority of the work experience was good, and it gave me a better understanding of how a pet shop with regular animal delivery works, as well as a better knowledge on how businesses are run in the animal field of retail. I believe the reason for high levels of enjoyment was because of how well I got on with all of the staff, and how well I felt I fitted in. I am in high hope of getting a job there if any positions become available, as I have a deeper connection with one of the managers because of the situation with him and my best friend who also works there (they're sleeping together in secret). The early mornings starting at seven in the morning didn't suit me too well, but it meant that I was able to interact with the animals more, as that is when the cleaning of the enclosures and feeding happens. The animals aren't handled a lot at Pets At Home, and there is always tasks which needed to be completed meaning that I always had something to do, opposed to other work placements where there was nothing to do so I was sent to get the animals use to human interaction. I believe it would be beneficial to handle the animals more, as in my opinion the animals were more people-friendly at smaller pet shops. I managed to damage myself every day somehow, mainly from cuts, not necessarily from the animals, but from opening cardboard boxes too. I will somewhat miss working at Pets At Home, mainly due to the people who worked there.
This morning was the worst of the two weeks, as my dad is a very argumentative person anyway and is even worse in the mornings (which goes the same with me). It wasn't planned for him to take me to work, but because mum had woken up late it was down to him. I was ready by the front door and simply told him to be quick as it's time to leave, already by then I had obviously been such an inconvenience to his life that he started complaining about me and putting me down. I then got into the car waiting for him, for him to then say that the windows need to be defrosted and said it in a way that implied it was my fault. He was being horrible to me for no reason, and after a few more put downs I was gradually getting angrier. I went back in the house absolutely raging, mum calmed me down slightly and I got back into the car to try again. He then continuously complained at me some more even with me telling him to simply stop talking to me. I was so worked up at this point that I hit him and again went back inside, to then take my rage out on furniture. My face looked awful after the crying, which made me more upset and it didn't put out a good outline for the day following. In the end mother took me to work, for me to arrive ten minutes late, not at all giving a good impression for any possibility of being offered a job. My main problem was that I set out to make a really good impression on the managers there, just for it to then be completely screwed with because my dad was being unreasonable. I really do have a great passion of hate for my father. I don't feel like he cares about me in the slightest and he'd much rather have me out of his life completely.
This morning was the worst of the two weeks, as my dad is a very argumentative person anyway and is even worse in the mornings (which goes the same with me). It wasn't planned for him to take me to work, but because mum had woken up late it was down to him. I was ready by the front door and simply told him to be quick as it's time to leave, already by then I had obviously been such an inconvenience to his life that he started complaining about me and putting me down. I then got into the car waiting for him, for him to then say that the windows need to be defrosted and said it in a way that implied it was my fault. He was being horrible to me for no reason, and after a few more put downs I was gradually getting angrier. I went back in the house absolutely raging, mum calmed me down slightly and I got back into the car to try again. He then continuously complained at me some more even with me telling him to simply stop talking to me. I was so worked up at this point that I hit him and again went back inside, to then take my rage out on furniture. My face looked awful after the crying, which made me more upset and it didn't put out a good outline for the day following. In the end mother took me to work, for me to arrive ten minutes late, not at all giving a good impression for any possibility of being offered a job. My main problem was that I set out to make a really good impression on the managers there, just for it to then be completely screwed with because my dad was being unreasonable. I really do have a great passion of hate for my father. I don't feel like he cares about me in the slightest and he'd much rather have me out of his life completely.
14thFebruary2013
I am really into Gnarwolves at the moment, and I'm extremely excited for the 30th of April when I will be seeing them at a gig. I have only very recently heard of them, and gotten into them, but already they're one of my favourites. They're a gruff pop punk band from Brighton, and the three of them have been together since I assume 2010.
It's valentines day today and I'm not too bummed out over being single. It would be nice to have the day (and my life) filled with love and romance, but I'm certain I'll get my chance eventually. It makes me somewhat happy seeing other people happy in relationships too, as I love the great ideas that valentines day brings out.
My manager at work experience is very flirty, but in a caring way. I really do like him, as in personality wise. If I could find someone with his personality, around my age, and that I'm somewhat physically attracted to then I would be quite happy. I like confidence a lot, and I think that's my main attraction in him, along with being able to make me smile and laugh at any time he likes and even brightening up my seven O'clock mornings at work experience.
It's valentines day today and I'm not too bummed out over being single. It would be nice to have the day (and my life) filled with love and romance, but I'm certain I'll get my chance eventually. It makes me somewhat happy seeing other people happy in relationships too, as I love the great ideas that valentines day brings out.
My manager at work experience is very flirty, but in a caring way. I really do like him, as in personality wise. If I could find someone with his personality, around my age, and that I'm somewhat physically attracted to then I would be quite happy. I like confidence a lot, and I think that's my main attraction in him, along with being able to make me smile and laugh at any time he likes and even brightening up my seven O'clock mornings at work experience.
11thFebruary2013
Although I'm getting close to being a month behind with my blog posts, I will not accept defeat. Writing a daily blog post is inconvenient at times, but at other times it helps me greatly. I wouldn't be able to write a blog post at random when I feel I need to get things off my chest, I can imagine I would up eventually forgetting about it and instead start to go insane from all my emotions building up.
I've got a real soft spot for my ex ex at the moment, and by 'this moment' I mean the next hour or so. I've just successfully looked through four-hundred and fifty photos of him, and I could go through a hell of a lot more if I had the resources. It was one of those two week relationships that didn't really count, but I did really have fun when dating him. Although it was four years ago now, I would love to date him again, as he was the first person I was physically attracted to. My type preference has changed now, to the obvious blonde hair and blue eyes, but still his mysteriousness, scruffiness, darkness and whatever else he has is still damn attractive for me! I usually can't do facial hair in the slightest, but he seems to be the only one that give allowance to. I shouldn't even be talking about this topic, we don't talk at all and he's an absolute man whore (from what I've heard).
I've got a real soft spot for my ex ex at the moment, and by 'this moment' I mean the next hour or so. I've just successfully looked through four-hundred and fifty photos of him, and I could go through a hell of a lot more if I had the resources. It was one of those two week relationships that didn't really count, but I did really have fun when dating him. Although it was four years ago now, I would love to date him again, as he was the first person I was physically attracted to. My type preference has changed now, to the obvious blonde hair and blue eyes, but still his mysteriousness, scruffiness, darkness and whatever else he has is still damn attractive for me! I usually can't do facial hair in the slightest, but he seems to be the only one that give allowance to. I shouldn't even be talking about this topic, we don't talk at all and he's an absolute man whore (from what I've heard).
4thFebruary2013
I wasn't feeling too nervous for my work experience at Pets At Home today, as I'd already felt welcomed by the manager in charge of work experience and because my best friend works there too. Of course there was a little thought inside of me thinking that it would be an awful day of cleaning, and indeed I did end up cleaning. I completed a shift starting at nine O'clock until five O'clock today, which covers my eight hours minimum a day work experience nicely. I first was let into the building and got shown around the facility, including all fire exit points and was covered briefly on the fire procedures. I was also given an introduction to the staff members that were working the same shift, but I doubt there's any chance I'll even remember half of their names by the end of the week. I started my day off upstairs in the fish department, which looks down upon the rest of the shop floor. The staff member and I ensured all enclosures were safe and secure, that all animals were in good health (fish must be checked every thirty minutes due to a recent report on Watchdog). Fish were fed in the morning, and I believe they are redone at night. Fish tanks were cleaned, using the right equipment that's correct for each column of tanks. It was a reasonably good day, however it was rather relaxed and I feel like I should have been provided with more work to do.
3rdFebruary2013
I've been at work for most of today, and it's been reasonably busy. I seem to have noticed my work performance dropping as of late, I have vague memories of being able to get through three walls at work in four hours, but lately I seem to be rushing through everything and doing half a job. I think my managers expect too much of me, either that or I really need to step up in my work pace. I don't really think I do that badly though, as I don't spend a lot of time talking and loitering about like some people in the work place. It irritates me at times to think about how little some people do at work, and how much they get away with.
Although we had already concluded that we would not be seeing each other this evening, I still stayed in hope that we somehow would do. Sadly we have not seen each other this evening, and we will not be seeing each other this evening. I was in so much hope that I would have a text from him saying that he changes his mind and that he is perfectly free to see me this evening, but instead, nothing. I am feeling down that I wasn't able to see him, but it hasn't been that bad of an evening to be fair. It's getting to the point that I haven't seen him in so long (3 weeks), and we haven't spoken that much at all, that it's really getting to me and all of my focus seems to be on him. I hate my routine I have with him; see him, have huge urges to see him, wanting to see him, be fine with not seeing him for a few days, wanting to see him, have huge urges to see him, and then see him. If it's possible to get addictions to people, I am certain to have it over him.
This evening (other than obsessing over him) I have seem my family as they came over to my house for a little while; it was nice spending time with my family, especially my little cousin even if I did have coursework to do. The rest of the evening has been spent attempting to structure a hamster maze for my HND project: "the affect of gender, age, and housing on the performance of a Syrian hamster in a spatial maze". It's been hard work, made harder by how tired I am. It's not difficult work as such, just takes a lot to get your head around the measurements and such. My mother has been extremely helpful tonight, being really caring about my course and me. My dad's been helpful too, with measuring and cutting out the cardboard fittings.
Although we had already concluded that we would not be seeing each other this evening, I still stayed in hope that we somehow would do. Sadly we have not seen each other this evening, and we will not be seeing each other this evening. I was in so much hope that I would have a text from him saying that he changes his mind and that he is perfectly free to see me this evening, but instead, nothing. I am feeling down that I wasn't able to see him, but it hasn't been that bad of an evening to be fair. It's getting to the point that I haven't seen him in so long (3 weeks), and we haven't spoken that much at all, that it's really getting to me and all of my focus seems to be on him. I hate my routine I have with him; see him, have huge urges to see him, wanting to see him, be fine with not seeing him for a few days, wanting to see him, have huge urges to see him, and then see him. If it's possible to get addictions to people, I am certain to have it over him.
This evening (other than obsessing over him) I have seem my family as they came over to my house for a little while; it was nice spending time with my family, especially my little cousin even if I did have coursework to do. The rest of the evening has been spent attempting to structure a hamster maze for my HND project: "the affect of gender, age, and housing on the performance of a Syrian hamster in a spatial maze". It's been hard work, made harder by how tired I am. It's not difficult work as such, just takes a lot to get your head around the measurements and such. My mother has been extremely helpful tonight, being really caring about my course and me. My dad's been helpful too, with measuring and cutting out the cardboard fittings.
2ndFebruary2013
After the short relaxation period yesterday, I am once again feeling very stressed over the amount of work I have to do and the short amount of time I have to do it in. There's no easy solution, I'm in a situation where I need sleep, work, and have a social life, but sadly I'm only able to pick two. At the moment my levels are very low on all three, and it's not healthy for me at all. I've had a little more guidance on my husbandry coursework, with my lecturer telling me that I would have of course failed if I had submitted my coursework as it is now. I'm happy that I've had help with it, however I wish I wasn't such a failure with ALL of my coursework in the first place. I now understand my production coursework a little more now, although I know full well that I am going to struggle majorly with it as it's simply a topic that I am clueless about and will have to research into the basics. I've even had another piece of coursework back, which hasn't been failed! Simply on the basis that it was that bad that it couldn't even be accepted as coursework. The given back coursework was an academic poster for Anatomy and Physiology, but it wasn't in format as the college facilities didn't allow me to do so as they closed early without notice. This means though that I'm able to completely start fresh on my poster, and have a better advantage over everyone else in the class. The coursework wasn't even looked at, meaning that I can add in whatever I want, especially seems as I've had the work back and they can't even check that I haven't added anything more in. I'm happy about this, but not happy that I only have until Friday to complete it all when I've got work experience from eight in the morning until five in the afternoon every day this week. I'm not even too sure how I will be handing in the work, as I'm working in all the available time that I have to hand it in. This means that I only have around six hours each night to complete the work, which I suppose is twenty-four hours, but it takes me a long time to get into concentration mode. I am also going to be very knackered after long days at work experience, so this has not been planned well at all.
My plans for Sunday evening were to meet up with the ex, to get approval of the new piercing from him and to be satisfied with seeing him after a long while of not speaking as much. I'm pretty gutted that I won't be seeing him this weekend, as it will mean that I'm in damper spirits for this week. First of all it took him a couple of days to give me a reply, making me feel as if he was reluctant to meet up with me. He then said he would see me then, and then even asked about details for it, and then he suggested other days as Sunday evening wasn't very convenient for him. The two days he offered were Monday and Tuesday, for him to realise he can't do Monday, and just leave Tuesday. I'm not free at all this week as I've got work experience, which sucks greatly as I'm rather desperate to see him. At first my message was slightly giving off the impression that I simply couldn't be bothered with him, but I soon made it clear to him that I do want to see him, and that I'm not just leaving it like that because I can't be bothered. It aggravates me slightly that he probably can do Sunday evening, but it is his choice I suppose, and he knows full well what I am like with always leaving late. His last text was a little blunt, simply because it was something that I wouldn't be able to reply to, as if he's happy to have the conversation over even though I tried to make effort with us. I really must stop reading into things too much, I'm getting far too into all of this. He truly does brighten up my life.
My plans for Sunday evening were to meet up with the ex, to get approval of the new piercing from him and to be satisfied with seeing him after a long while of not speaking as much. I'm pretty gutted that I won't be seeing him this weekend, as it will mean that I'm in damper spirits for this week. First of all it took him a couple of days to give me a reply, making me feel as if he was reluctant to meet up with me. He then said he would see me then, and then even asked about details for it, and then he suggested other days as Sunday evening wasn't very convenient for him. The two days he offered were Monday and Tuesday, for him to realise he can't do Monday, and just leave Tuesday. I'm not free at all this week as I've got work experience, which sucks greatly as I'm rather desperate to see him. At first my message was slightly giving off the impression that I simply couldn't be bothered with him, but I soon made it clear to him that I do want to see him, and that I'm not just leaving it like that because I can't be bothered. It aggravates me slightly that he probably can do Sunday evening, but it is his choice I suppose, and he knows full well what I am like with always leaving late. His last text was a little blunt, simply because it was something that I wouldn't be able to reply to, as if he's happy to have the conversation over even though I tried to make effort with us. I really must stop reading into things too much, I'm getting far too into all of this. He truly does brighten up my life.
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