I had a doctors appointment today, it was to pick up the pill. Things have been really tough for me lately, and my happiness is at an all time low. I took the very daunting decision to seek help from the nurse, however she referred me to a doctor that I saw around two hours later than my first appointment. I got really nervous when trying to tell her about my depression, so much that I cried in front of her. On my walk home I phoned Alex, but he didn't pick up. I phoned him again a little while later as I know I won't be able to survive without his support. He picked up and agreed to meet up with me after my appointment, even though less than a week previously he had told me that he wanted a little space from me for a while. I broke down as soon as the call was dropped, I knew I would have to tell Alex today and I knew that something was seriously wrong with me. My second doctors appointment had results, and it showed that I did have anxiety and depression issues. I managed to hold things together enough to have a proper conversation with the doctor and tell her what's going on. She prescribed me anti-depressants, and has contacted a councillor for me. I will be visiting the doctors again in two weeks time, so that the doctor can see how I am feeling. The doctor asked me to think about what lead to my depression, but I seriously have no clue. I went to see Alex straight after my second appointment. Things were so hard for me, especially after his seeming of lack of care towards me and interest in how I was feeling. I sat with him in his telly room for over an hour in silence; he was watching telly and I was sat thinking. I knew I had to tell him today, and I managed to go through with it. He asked me if I had anything to say to him, and of course I did, before this however, I broke down in tears. After a little while he asked if I would like a hug, which I slowly accepted. I told him that I was diagnosed with depression today and he repeated 'depression' in a shocked and worried way. We hugged tightly and talked a little about what the doctors did for me, how long have I been aware, and what's making me sad. I don't care if he's not the greatest at making me smile or happy when I'm depressed, he showed me that he cares and that is the most that I can receive. I'm glad that Alex now knows about my mental health issue, as it proves how I feel I can talk to him about anything. I have had a phone call with Rob tonight, I did not tell him anything and I do not see this relationship with him going any further. It would not be fair to put my pressure onto him if I do not think he can help me with this. I don't want to put pressure onto Alex either, but it's really nice to know that someone has a basic idea of what you're going through. I don't care what anyone says, Alex is a good friend to me and we love each other dearly!
I have self harmed today, it was before my first doctors appointment. I did it because if I did it once more I would know that there was definitely something wrong with me, and It made me feel as if my time with the doctor was well needed.